Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a good person. I would at least grill him for answers - was he planning to go through with it? Why did he lead you on? Was he really going to continue with the relationship? You also need closure.

I agree OP sounds like a great person, but I disagree she should grill him. Just move on. He will plead to get her back, tell her what she wants to hear, she may be tempted to believe it because she is understandably in a stage where there is a shot clock on finding a partner to have kids with.

OP, I wrote to you in the explicit column (hopefully one of the thoughtful responses) and said he may be bi but definitely is going to have gay sex. Just get out now. I like the suggestion "its not you, it me." He will suspect why you made the break and he will be relieved that you won't share his secret.

If you exchange in some back and forth, you will end up with him for longer than necessary out of loneliness (many of us have been in and out of relationships with exes because of loneliness). Don't waste time. Cleaner the break, the faster your heart will be in the right place to move on and be available to find a man.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're exclusive, but haven't had sex? You've just crossed into the territory of unbelievable. Good luck, op.

No need to beat on the OP. But I wonder if this guy is from a conservative Catholic Italian family where same sex attraction would throw him out of their orbit. OP, in a way I feel sorry for him if he bas had to live a double life because of his orientation. Though I know that doesn't do you any good. Maybe he wants to get caught?

His family is Italian and very religious...I do not think that they will accept this...I think that he is bi. He wants to get married, have kids and a family...I think that he can't "let go" of the bi part and has been hiding it for a long time....

Did he not get the memo? It's 2015, he can be gay and get married, have kids and a family...

You go to Church a lot, just pray the gay away. Don't most religious people say "it's all Gods plan"? Maybe God wants you to marry a gay guy, why fight it?

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a good person. I would at least grill him for answers - was he planning to go through with it? Why did he lead you on? Was he really going to continue with the relationship? You also need closure.

At best, you would get this years down the road.

1) You need to look yourself in the eyes and ask yourself if you'd like to have a family? Yes, then get out of there.

2) You don't need to give him an explanation. You can say, there are structural problems with our relationship, I don't think we have the kind of future I would like to see for my family. Find your own place, move out.

3) Go to a therapist to help you pick up the pieces and move on.

4) Move on.


Be glad you caught this now and not later.

Daughter of a bisexual / gay man who has been married 4 times, and finally came out on the 4th to take lovers. He was beaten badly as a child by his parents for expressing an 'unhealthyl' interest in men. This stuff goes deep, get the hell out unless you love this man enough for it to be a major part of your life.

OP, you sound like a good person. I would at least grill him for answers - was he planning to go through with it? Why did he lead you on? Was he really going to continue with the relationship? You also need closure.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are in your mid 30s. If you want a family and kids, you need to run from him now. Don't waste any more time. It is very unnatural and raises a lot of red flags - noone in their 30s would wait to have sex for eight months if they are in an exclusive relationship. He is using you as a cover for his religious family. I am very sorry you are going through this, but please get out of it as soon as you can.

Thank you...as I sit here crying...this is horrible....to fall in love with someone, and then feel so betrayed that they have another life happening...and just the thought of the lies, cheating...whether it has happened or not...he has been conversing with another man...and there is intention to cheat based on the texting... I'm just heartbroken....

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are in your mid 30s. If you want a family and kids, you need to run from him now. Don't waste any more time. It is very unnatural and raises a lot of red flags - noone in their 30s would wait to have sex for eight months if they are in an exclusive relationship. He is using you as a cover for his religious family. I am very sorry you are going through this, but please get out of it as soon as you can.

+2

Run, OP. Now. You can't be his therapist.

I have good gay friends who were once "straight," married, and had kids. Eventually, they came out and everyone is now living much better lives. But that fantasy of attaining the hetero-normative "ideal family" is very strong in some gay men from conservative backgrounds. You will just end up being collateral damage.

Sick , he's a liar and a mentally ill

OP, you are in your mid 30s. If you want a family and kids, you need to run from him now. Don't waste any more time. It is very unnatural and raises a lot of red flags - noone in their 30s would wait to have sex for eight months if they are in an exclusive relationship. He is using you as a cover for his religious family. I am very sorry you are going through this, but please get out of it as soon as you can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're exclusive, but haven't had sex? You've just crossed into the territory of unbelievable. Good luck, op.

No need to beat on the OP. But I wonder if this guy is from a conservative Catholic Italian family where same sex attraction would throw him out of their orbit. OP, in a way I feel sorry for him if he bas had to live a double life because of his orientation. Though I know that doesn't do you any good. Maybe he wants to get caught?

His family is Italian and very religious...I do not think that they will accept this...I think that he is bi. He wants to get married, have kids and a family...I think that he can't "let go" of the bi part and has been hiding it for a long time....

Sorry, honey, but no. If he has not had sex with you after 8 months and he is looking for men, and he is from a conservative Christian background, all of the pieces are now in place. He is gay. Not bi and you need to run.

+100. Nothing "bi" about him. He is gay. Sorry OP but you are his beard. He is lying and cheating. Move on. You deserve better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're exclusive, but haven't had sex? You've just crossed into the territory of unbelievable. Good luck, op.

No need to beat on the OP. But I wonder if this guy is from a conservative Catholic Italian family where same sex attraction would throw him out of their orbit. OP, in a way I feel sorry for him if he bas had to live a double life because of his orientation. Though I know that doesn't do you any good. Maybe he wants to get caught?

His family is Italian and very religious...I do not think that they will accept this...I think that he is bi. He wants to get married, have kids and a family...I think that he can't "let go" of the bi part and has been hiding it for a long time....

Sorry, honey, but no. If he has not had sex with you after 8 months and he is looking for men, and he is from a conservative Christian background, all of the pieces are now in place. He is gay. Not bi and you need to run.

Anonymous wrote:What is the point of bringing it up if you just assume that he will lie.

This. If you are clear you don't want to be in a relationship with a bi guy (best possible outcome here), then bail. "it's not you, it's me". Don't let it be difficult.

I wouldn't be surprised at all that he's on the DL since he's from a "strict Italian family". He might like women too. I agree that you should get tested for your own peace of mind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're exclusive, but haven't had sex? You've just crossed into the territory of unbelievable. Good luck, op.

No need to beat on the OP. But I wonder if this guy is from a conservative Catholic Italian family where same sex attraction would throw him out of their orbit. OP, in a way I feel sorry for him if he bas had to live a double life because of his orientation. Though I know that doesn't do you any good. Maybe he wants to get caught?

His family is Italian and very religious...I do not think that they will accept this...I think that he is bi. He wants to get married, have kids and a family...I think that he can't "let go" of the bi part and has been hiding it for a long time....

Anonymous wrote:You're exclusive, but haven't had sex? You've just crossed into the territory of unbelievable. Good luck, op.

Yes, we go to church together every week...and have been getting to know each other. We have a great time together, fool around a lot, but never intercourse. 2 months ago we started talking about sex...and wanted to wait until it felt right. Well, we got to that point...and he started making excuses...then the constant texting started, then nights we always did things together started to be filled with other plans. Ironically this past week, he has been with me everyday...and has started talking about sex with me again....the quick change in behavior prompted me to look at his phone. He had changed his phone access code, but left it unlocked when he took the dog outside for a quick walk...and then I saw everything.... *sigh*

Anonymous wrote:You're exclusive, but haven't had sex? You've just crossed into the territory of unbelievable. Good luck, op.

No need to beat on the OP. But I wonder if this guy is from a conservative Catholic Italian family where same sex attraction would throw him out of their orbit. OP, in a way I feel sorry for him if he bas had to live a double life because of his orientation. Though I know that doesn't do you any good. Maybe he wants to get caught?