Anonymous wrote:

OP - The length of the abuse your fiance experienced continued for way too long for other family members not to have known and became too much a part of life as he new it to be. Think about it that his entire construct of what a father(step dad) and son's relationship is was based on abuse for over a decade. You mentioned he said it was over 20 eyars ago - which means he is in his late 30s and probably there is again good reasons that he has never had a permanent relationship. He may very well love and trust you as no other in mentioning the abuse for the first time - BUT AGAIN, it came out in a moment of stress - not entirely in a moment of open and normal communication with someone you were going to marry. He needs professional help to be able to look at the past , the present relationship with his family before moving on to any kind of future with you or anyone. I know you do not want to hear this, but are you really sure the best move is to keep the June wedding date against all the very real possible unknowns in the future. There are tough questions you and your fiance would need to be able to answer: How will you both explain and will DH agree that no child be left alone in the care of his parents? Will you be able to trust him as a DH alone with your child? etc. etc. Again he was the victim, but you will become the victim, too, if both of you do not explore this situation iwith professional help.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the response OP. I would add that you simply cannot get married yet until you both go to counseling together. Your finance has not dealt with this. Its also likely that his younger brother has been abused. A counselor will help you all talk about boudnaries. I know it seems like kids are far off but before you get married you must establish tha t your future kids will never ever be alone with his parents. At a minimum he should talk to his younger brother. That may be very eye openng and cathartic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in the same situation with my DH, except one of his abusers (his dad) is dead and the other is a cousin whom we rarely see. The abuse went on for years. My biggest issue is with his mom, and I have found it difficult to have an open and healthy relationship with her because of my resentment over her failure to protect her son. This thread is of great interest to me. I understand in my head that she was not responsible, but in my heart, I cannot imagine not noticing what was happening to my children and I suppose I do hold her somewhat responsible for not protecting him.

If you stay in this relationship, just know that this issue will be a recurring presence in your life. You will always have to consider which family members you'll let your children be alone with, or worry about holidays etc. If you can't deal with that, get out now, for both of your sakes.

OP here, when did your husband tell you about the abuse?
My fiance' was abused by his father as well, technically his stepfather, but he pretty much adopted him, his bio dad died when he was 4 and stepdad has been in his life since he was 6, so he raised him. My fiance' always went on about what a great dad he was, and now knowing what I know. I don't understand how he can think that.
Like you I'm upset with his mother as well, the abuse went on for years, and I just don't believe she didn't know anything. I suppose she could have been fooled, I don't have kids yet, but you think you would notice something like that going on in your own home. Just thinking about how she fawns over this man now makes me sick.

Which is funny because I used to love that they were still " so in love" after 30 years together.
How do you cope? How do you handle having to be around your DH's side of the family?

PP here. It's tough, I won't lie to you. DH told me less than a month in to our relationship about the abuse. He'd been in therapy for years and was and is very open about it. He wanted me to know before we got too in too deep. He was worried for a long time that I'd think he would abuse our children, but he is so wonderful with them and so protective.

I'm glad his dad is dead. As to your situation, I can't imagine having to interact with him at holidays. My DH has a somewhat rosy memory of better times with his dad, but his dad was also an alcoholic and physically and emotionally abusive. It is only because of years of therapy that my husband has emerged as the successful, compassionate, smart, and kind man that I know. If you fiance hasn't been in therapy, I'd be very cautious about setting a wedding date. I would also insist that he go to couples counseling with you--we have spent some time there and it's invaluable.

Like I said, the situation is very, very difficult. I don't regret marrying my husband after all these years, but we don't live anywhere near his family and never will. I just don't trust them.

OP here. Thank you for your honest response. , sorry I took so long to respond, I was getting very frustrated with the nastiness of some replies. I know no 2 situations are a like, but it helps to know it's possible to have a functional relationship. My fiance is not where your husband is yet,.
Has your husband ever told hid mother about the abuse?
We talked for for a long time this weekend and it turns out I'm the first person he's actually told about the abuse. According to him his mother doesn't know what happened between him and his dad. Personally, I have a hard time believing that as the abuse was longterm from the time he was 7 until essential he went to college, but I didn't argue with him.I know he's very close to his mother and a protective older brother, so I think he is afraid of upsetting the family , and of not being believed. He kept repeating it's been almost 20 years,as if to say what's the point?
I didn't discuss future children and boundaries- yet, getting him to open up that much was difficult enough. I did apologize to him again about getting angry with him, and told him I was planning to talking to a counselor myself to help me sort this out in my head. He seemed okay with me talking to a therapist about this, but wasn't interested in coming with me. Not sure where he stands on that, he didn't say he wouldn't go ever, just not this time.
That's where I am on this.

I'm having a hard time understanding how an older teenaged male would allow someone to touch them like that.
OP, I know you love this guy now, and it's unfortunate he had a messed up childhood, but he's not the one you want to marry. Do not to it. Do you think he's going to suddenly be willing to " upset" his family when y'all have kids so they can be protected?
He won't.
I agree with the PP that he is too damaged and broken and it's not your job to fix him. Your job is to find a suitable life partner, and this guy isn't it. You are young, and as the saying goes there are plenty of fish in the see.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in the same situation with my DH, except one of his abusers (his dad) is dead and the other is a cousin whom we rarely see. The abuse went on for years. My biggest issue is with his mom, and I have found it difficult to have an open and healthy relationship with her because of my resentment over her failure to protect her son. This thread is of great interest to me. I understand in my head that she was not responsible, but in my heart, I cannot imagine not noticing what was happening to my children and I suppose I do hold her somewhat responsible for not protecting him.

If you stay in this relationship, just know that this issue will be a recurring presence in your life. You will always have to consider which family members you'll let your children be alone with, or worry about holidays etc. If you can't deal with that, get out now, for both of your sakes.

OP here, when did your husband tell you about the abuse?
My fiance' was abused by his father as well, technically his stepfather, but he pretty much adopted him, his bio dad died when he was 4 and stepdad has been in his life since he was 6, so he raised him. My fiance' always went on about what a great dad he was, and now knowing what I know. I don't understand how he can think that.
Like you I'm upset with his mother as well, the abuse went on for years, and I just don't believe she didn't know anything. I suppose she could have been fooled, I don't have kids yet, but you think you would notice something like that going on in your own home. Just thinking about how she fawns over this man now makes me sick.

Which is funny because I used to love that they were still " so in love" after 30 years together.
How do you cope? How do you handle having to be around your DH's side of the family?

PP here. It's tough, I won't lie to you. DH told me less than a month in to our relationship about the abuse. He'd been in therapy for years and was and is very open about it. He wanted me to know before we got too in too deep. He was worried for a long time that I'd think he would abuse our children, but he is so wonderful with them and so protective.

I'm glad his dad is dead. As to your situation, I can't imagine having to interact with him at holidays. My DH has a somewhat rosy memory of better times with his dad, but his dad was also an alcoholic and physically and emotionally abusive. It is only because of years of therapy that my husband has emerged as the successful, compassionate, smart, and kind man that I know. If you fiance hasn't been in therapy, I'd be very cautious about setting a wedding date. I would also insist that he go to couples counseling with you--we have spent some time there and it's invaluable.

Like I said, the situation is very, very difficult. I don't regret marrying my husband after all these years, but we don't live anywhere near his family and never will. I just don't trust them.

OP here. Thank you for your honest response. , sorry I took so long to respond, I was getting very frustrated with the nastiness of some replies. I know no 2 situations are a like, but it helps to know it's possible to have a functional relationship. My fiance is not where your husband is yet,.
Has your husband ever told hid mother about the abuse?
We talked for for a long time this weekend and it turns out I'm the first person he's actually told about the abuse. According to him his mother doesn't know what happened between him and his dad. Personally, I have a hard time believing that as the abuse was longterm from the time he was 7 until essential he went to college, but I didn't argue with him.I know he's very close to his mother and a protective older brother, so I think he is afraid of upsetting the family , and of not being believed. He kept repeating it's been almost 20 years,as if to say what's the point?
I didn't discuss future children and boundaries- yet, getting him to open up that much was difficult enough. I did apologize to him again about getting angry with him, and told him I was planning to talking to a counselor myself to help me sort this out in my head. He seemed okay with me talking to a therapist about this, but wasn't interested in coming with me. Not sure where he stands on that, he didn't say he wouldn't go ever, just not this time.
That's where I am on this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in the same situation with my DH, except one of his abusers (his dad) is dead and the other is a cousin whom we rarely see. The abuse went on for years. My biggest issue is with his mom, and I have found it difficult to have an open and healthy relationship with her because of my resentment over her failure to protect her son. This thread is of great interest to me. I understand in my head that she was not responsible, but in my heart, I cannot imagine not noticing what was happening to my children and I suppose I do hold her somewhat responsible for not protecting him.

If you stay in this relationship, just know that this issue will be a recurring presence in your life. You will always have to consider which family members you'll let your children be alone with, or worry about holidays etc. If you can't deal with that, get out now, for both of your sakes.

OP here, when did your husband tell you about the abuse?
My fiance' was abused by his father as well, technically his stepfather, but he pretty much adopted him, his bio dad died when he was 4 and stepdad has been in his life since he was 6, so he raised him. My fiance' always went on about what a great dad he was, and now knowing what I know. I don't understand how he can think that.
Like you I'm upset with his mother as well, the abuse went on for years, and I just don't believe she didn't know anything. I suppose she could have been fooled, I don't have kids yet, but you think you would notice something like that going on in your own home. Just thinking about how she fawns over this man now makes me sick.

Which is funny because I used to love that they were still " so in love" after 30 years together.
How do you cope? How do you handle having to be around your DH's side of the family?

PP here. It's tough, I won't lie to you. DH told me less than a month in to our relationship about the abuse. He'd been in therapy for years and was and is very open about it. He wanted me to know before we got too in too deep. He was worried for a long time that I'd think he would abuse our children, but he is so wonderful with them and so protective.

I'm glad his dad is dead. As to your situation, I can't imagine having to interact with him at holidays. My DH has a somewhat rosy memory of better times with his dad, but his dad was also an alcoholic and physically and emotionally abusive. It is only because of years of therapy that my husband has emerged as the successful, compassionate, smart, and kind man that I know. If you fiance hasn't been in therapy, I'd be very cautious about setting a wedding date. I would also insist that he go to couples counseling with you--we have spent some time there and it's invaluable.

Like I said, the situation is very, very difficult. I don't regret marrying my husband after all these years, but we don't live anywhere near his family and never will. I just don't trust them.

Anonymous wrote:Get out of this relationship. The sexual abuser will be in your life. When you have a kid, he/she will be around the abuser. Your husband and his entire family will be okay with this. Your kid will probably be abused. Just leave now. Please.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, how old was the abuser when it happened?

What does that have to do with anything?

Anonymous wrote:You have a,right to feel betrayed in finding out a person you liked and trusted is an abuser.

The fact that he didn't tell you until you were engaged is a red flag.. The fact that he doesn't want to talk to you or a couples counselor is a red flag. IDK if you two have concretely discussed having children but that needs to happen in light of this.

I'd tell him it's either counseling or break of the engagement. It's a lot easier to break an engagement than to get a divorce

Anonymous wrote:I'm completely jumping your gun, but god forbid your kid gets sexually abused, is your then-husband going to force them to have an ongoing relationship with their abuser?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes angry, mainly angry at the situation, for my fiance and sad too.
But also angry, because I thought his family was something that they aren't.
It's not about me in the sense that I wasn't the person abused, but this isn't just some random ONS or boyfriend, this is the guy I plan on spending the rest of my life with, his family becomes my family.
How does that work when there are those kind of people in his family?
I can figure out if I want to continue with him or not thank you very much.
I was hoping to find some advice from people who have actually dealt with this, and figure anonymous was the best way to start out.

There are "those kinds of people" in more families than apparently you're aware. If one out of 4 kids is sexually abused in childhood, it shouldn't be a huge shock that many of those people are in families with abuses and have to negotiate relationships and boundaries with said abuser.

My experience with this is that I maintain a relationship with my older brother who abused me. If my DH had been angry with ME when I told him about my brother, I would have dumped him on the spot. Seriously. This is not about YOU and you seriously need to examine your anger. It sounds like you had some idealistic expectations about this new family, and you are angry that they are not picture perfect idealized versions of that you had imagined. That's your shit to get over. Do not put that on your fiancé.

I had decades to confront and adapt my feelings toward my brother and set and adapt boundaries with him as situations changed and we both changed. If my DH had come in and expected me to share his anger and outrage, it would have been pretty inconsiderate. That said, I understood that it was difficult for him to resolve his hurt in my behalf with my choice to keep him in my family. I simply set very simple expectation for my DH: I didn't expect him to love or like my brother, but I did expect him to be cordial and polite and refrain from causing drama at family occasions because of his latent dislike of my brother. He has been able to do that, which I appreciate. And we talk privately about how comfortable we are with our son having a relationship with him. Right now, we agree that he can have contact with our child at joint family occasions, but will never stay alone at his house and he is not invited to sleep at ours.

Personally, you sound really immature to me and I hope you will read up on the issue of childhood sexual abuse and how you can support him better. And keep apologizing. You really messed up here.