Anonymous
Post 09/23/2015 17:19     Subject: Inviting the whole class except the bully?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I plan to invite my first grader's whole class. I think it's too young to exclude others. Best friends aren't cemented for a couple years.


That's not true. My DD's best friends were Kaya, Ella and Ines beginning in kindergarten. DD is in 7th grade now, and although all four girls are at different middle schools, they're still friends. I have ALWAYS just had DD give me a list of kids she wanted to invite. We don't do any of that whole class shit, or all girls shit. That's total bullshit. If I'm paying, then you invite the people you WANT to spend time with. It's only at school that you're forced to spend time with people you don't like when you're a kid. Birthday parties ARE all about you.


That's great for you that your child found her three best friends on day one. Some kids take a little longer to find their social niche.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2015 17:19     Subject: Inviting the whole class except the bully?

Show mercy. Do not do what is easy.

I'm listening to the Pope as I write this . . .
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2015 17:09     Subject: Inviting the whole class except the bully?
Anonymous wrote:I plan to invite my first grader's whole class. I think it's too young to exclude others. Best friends aren't cemented for a couple years.


That's not true. My DD's best friends were Kaya, Ella and Ines beginning in kindergarten. DD is in 7th grade now, and although all four girls are at different middle schools, they're still friends. I have ALWAYS just had DD give me a list of kids she wanted to invite. We don't do any of that whole class shit, or all girls shit. That's total bullshit. If I'm paying, then you invite the people you WANT to spend time with. It's only at school that you're forced to spend time with people you don't like when you're a kid. Birthday parties ARE all about you.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2015 17:04     Subject: Re:Inviting the whole class except the bully?
OP here with a follow up. I talked to my son after school and told him we couldn't just exclude the other child, but that I was going to ask him parents to stay so that the other kid couldn't make trouble at the party. My son got really upset and started sobbing that he'd rather not have a party than have this child there, so we agreed we're going to cut it down to a smaller group. We're having a tough time figuring out who's going to be in that smaller group without it being too exclusionary to that other kid, but we'll figure it out. I'm glad I gave him the choice, though, rather than simply moving ahead with the plan to invite everyone.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2015 16:32     Subject: Inviting the whole class except the bully?
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it is nice of you to worry about this at all. It is a tough situation.

In first grade, my DD was bullied and treated very badly by another child - active exclusion, teasing, name-calling and rock-throwing. She was the only target of this particular girl. So yes, PPs, first graders can be bullies.

In those circumstances, does the bullied kid really have to invite the mean kid to her party and be a good host? Does she have to include someone who is unkind and disrespectful to her on a regular basis? Does she really have to not invite the other kids because it would hurt the bully's feelings? What about the bullied kid's feelings?

We did not invite the other girl to DD's bday party because the other child was mean to DD all. the. time.


Totally agree! I think the parents suggesting that the bully be invited have never had to deal with their child being bullied or know the lasting affects this has on a child. Not sorry to say this. No bullies at our birthday parties. Yes, I would most definitely invite the entire class if my kids wanted, and exclude the bully. There are absolutely no repercussions for bullying behavior if they get away with it at school AND get invited to all the other social events.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2015 16:30     Subject: Inviting the whole class except the bully?
Anonymous wrote:I plan to invite my first grader's whole class. I think it's too young to exclude others. Best friends aren't cemented for a couple years.


My son knew exactly whom he wanted at his last birthday when he turned 7.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2015 14:45     Subject: Inviting the whole class except the bully?
I plan to invite my first grader's whole class. I think it's too young to exclude others. Best friends aren't cemented for a couple years.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2015 14:40     Subject: Inviting the whole class except the bully?
Op I am sure you have relatives friends from k no pre k and other people you can invite. Why invite the entire class?
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2015 14:14     Subject: Inviting the whole class except the bully?
Don't invite the entire class. Ask your child who his CLOSEST friends are and invite only those children through email or phone invitation.

I personally wouldn't invite a bully to my house, but I also doubt that the parents would RSVP yes.

But you also can't invite everyone BUT the bully. It's really not a nice thing to do.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2015 14:08     Subject: Inviting the whole class except the bully?
OP, I think it is nice of you to worry about this at all. It is a tough situation.

In first grade, my DD was bullied and treated very badly by another child - active exclusion, teasing, name-calling and rock-throwing. She was the only target of this particular girl. So yes, PPs, first graders can be bullies.

In those circumstances, does the bullied kid really have to invite the mean kid to her party and be a good host? Does she have to include someone who is unkind and disrespectful to her on a regular basis? Does she really have to not invite the other kids because it would hurt the bully's feelings? What about the bullied kid's feelings?

We did not invite the other girl to DD's bday party because the other child was mean to DD all. the. time.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2015 13:32     Subject: Inviting the whole class except the bully?
Anonymous wrote:6 is young enough for behaviour to change, but one way it isn't going to change is by being ostracized. Invite the bully, but ask his parents to stay.


Sometimes the parents don't care that their kid is making another child's life miserable. I wouldn't invite the bully. Learn proper social skill and then the kid will get invited.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2015 13:32     Subject: Inviting the whole class except the bully?
Don't invite the bully. To hell with him.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2015 13:24     Subject: Inviting the whole class except the bully?
As the mom of a kid who was bullied the point of depression and threatened suicide I would have absolutely no problem excluding the bully.

We did invite said bully once. Sure, he came to our house and played nice, ate cake etc. Then turned into even more of a problem the next day. Never again.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2015 13:11     Subject: Re:Inviting the whole class except the bully?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is great to disinclude kids just because you need to limit the party to just a few good friends so that others don't feel excluded. That encourages clique behavior which can really be detrimental to the class social dynamics.

I don't think there is a good solution. You just have to pick the solution that has the least drawbacks for you: invite the bully/possible consequences if he comes, don't invite the bully/look like the bad guy, have bully get more upset with your child, etc.

I was in a similar situation in PK. There was one mean kid, who didn't specifically bully my kid but was generally unpleasant to everyone. My kid begged me not to invite him, but I decided to invite him and just make sure they were separated as much as possible. Well, that kid didn't even rsvp or bother to come.

So I'd probably invite the bully and write a polite but direct note on the invitation saying that you are aware of the conflict that your kids have and that if he is able to attend, you would like to brainstorm with the parents about ways to minimize party conflict.

Even without the note, I'm guessing the bully will not want to come to your child's party anyway. But that note will probably prevent the bully from coming unless he has really amazing parents who genuinely do want help make peace between the kids. And then I think good might come from that invitation. From what you said, that doesn't sound like the case at all. But think about it, what parent really wants to bother to buy a gift/drive their kid to a party when their kid and birthday boy hate each other. I think the chances that the bully will come is minimal.


Wow, that's one creative solution! I just imagined receiving such an 'invite': "Come celebrate with us, and, BTW, your kid's an asshole".

OP, I firmly stand in the no-bully crowd, however, I'd only invite 8-9 kids from the class and add more close friends from K, preK, etc.


OP here, the parents are aware of the issue, so I don't think it would be a shock if I emailed them to say that their child is more than welcome to join us and I hope it'll lead to a better friendship between them, but that I think given the history it would be helpful if they stayed for the party.

Complicating factor here is that the bully is from last year's K class, so adding in K friends instead of inviting the whole first grade class actually makes the exclusion issue worse, not better because they all still see each other and are friends.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2015 13:09     Subject: Inviting the whole class except the bully?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Let's say you had a party planned for your child and intended to invite the entire class. Then one of your child's classmates started bullying him, to the point that the school has intervened. Do you still have to invite your child's bully to the party since you're inviting the rest of the class? Or do you get a pass on this rule?

I hate to completely change up a party my child has been looking forward to and make him invite only a small number of kids instead, but I can't imagine forcing him to have his bully present at the party given how much anxiety this kid causes him.


I would invite everyone except the bully. He'll learn very quickly that his behavior will get him ostracized.


Nothing like teaching a bully not to behave in nasty, exclusionary ways by excluding him, right pp?



Here's a tip: Model good behavior, for you own kid and for others.

Besides, I don't think you can actually call a 6 yo a "bully" anyway.


Yes, six year olds can be bullies. They are young and can, hopefully, change their behaviors. But yes, absolutely young children can exhibit bullying behavior. We had a bully in our second grade class. As a kindergartener, we heard that at another school she had hacked off another girl's hair with scissors. In first grade, she would shove, pinch, kick, cry on purpose to disrupt classroom time, tell people she hated them/they were stupid and show her underwear to others.

I think modelling kindness is great. However, the first thing you need to do as a parent is to protect your kid. The other kid's feelings do not trump the safety of your child. This sounds like very harmful behavior that this poor child is bearing the brunt of. I was the one who suggested inviting the bully but with safeguards, talking to the other parents beforehand, paying extra attention to the interactions between two those kids specifically at the party, having extra supervision. That said, i wouldn't blame the OP at all if she didn't invite this little boy but invited the rest of the class.