Anonymous wrote:I must be a weirdo because I wouldn't have had a problem with this. Then I reread the OP thinking maybe it said she and DH were rolling around in bed... and realized I still wouldn't have cared if that had happened.

But then, MIL is super loving and sweet-hugs and kisses me every morning and night when we are visiting.

You could've made a nice memory, but you blew it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

People who don't respect boundaries are just sometimes clueless and not sensitive to social cues. Those people don't mean you any harm, in the sense that they're not trying to control you or invalidate you or have their way at your expense. They just have different boundaries, or can't read that yours are different. It's up to you to communicate what's comfortable for you.

On the other hand, there are those who try to manipulate, push, and control others this way. That's a more tricky situation. Listen to your gut.

OP here. I truly appreciated the larger post these snippets came from!

My MIL probably falls somewhere between the "clueless and not sensitive to social cues" and "manipulative/controlling/pushy" personality types you've described above. (Trust me, there are a LOT more examples of "Boundaries!" than just the ones I've already posted.)

The hard part, for me, is not becoming so defensive that I automatically perceive all her behavior as manipulative/controlling, but also not becoming so passive/resigned that I accept all of her boundary-ignoring behavior. I want to be able to take one moment, one visit at a time, but that is hard after so many years of feeling ignored/disrespected/manipulated.

Another thing I have to guard against is letting my husband/SIL/SIL's wife's anecdotes and reactions color my own. When my SIL and her wife tell me about some of the issues/struggles they have over the years, it's hard not to feel indignant/angry/sad/defensive on their behalf. But I do think I let it affect my relationship with MIL. I would like to be able to focus on my own experiences with her without "piling on" my empathy for what other family members experience.

Anyway, it could be worse, and I also believe it can be better. But sometimes, I just need to vent a little, and I don't see what the big deal is about me not liking her on my bed, especially after her not knocking!

Anonymous wrote:

People who don't respect boundaries are just sometimes clueless and not sensitive to social cues. Those people don't mean you any harm, in the sense that they're not trying to control you or invalidate you or have their way at your expense. They just have different boundaries, or can't read that yours are different. It's up to you to communicate what's comfortable for you.

On the other hand, there are those who try to manipulate, push, and control others this way. That's a more tricky situation. Listen to your gut.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL walked into our CLOSED bedroom door while simultaneously knocking, and caught me naked. When he tried to defend himself, I simply said, "A knock is a request for permission to enter--NOT an announcement of your arrival."

You managed to quickly cover up, come out with this lengthy, marmy gem, while also clutching your pearls? Multitasking at it's best!

Anonymous wrote:I must be a weirdo because I wouldn't have had a problem with this. Then I reread the OP thinking maybe it said she and DH were rolling around in bed... and realized I still wouldn't have cared if that had happened.

But then, MIL is super loving and sweet-hugs and kisses me every morning and night when we are visiting.

You could've made a nice memory, but you blew it

Anonymous wrote:My FIL walked into our CLOSED bedroom door while simultaneously knocking, and caught me naked. When he tried to defend himself, I simply said, "A knock is a request for permission to enter--NOT an announcement of your arrival."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or you could try making her feel included in common areas instead of hiding out in the bedroom with her granddaughter and then getting all put out when she wants to join in. jerk.

signed, a DIL

OP here. I wasn't "hiding out." After serving a great breakfast, I took a shower while they played, then when the other adults showered and dressed, we made the bed and had playtime.

They've been here for more than a week. I've cooked, we've done activities, we've chatted, we've gotten a sitter and then taken them out to dinner...

How about give us 20 minutes alone, knock, and get off my BED?!

Yeah, your MIL was out of line. There's no reason for her to go in the master bedroom, and it's really ok to have a few minutes alone with your kid.

Did you say anything? The only thing I can think of would be an instant response as soon as she started to go through the door saying, "We'll be down in a minute!" But that's hindsight. I would be so shocked if my MIL did this, I wouldn't really know what to do.

OP here. In re: some previous posts, I wasn't feeding a baby...I don't know how that got inferred. I was playing on a made bed with a toddler, and the door was only open a very small crack. We had been "social" and inclusive the whole visit...we had already all spent a LOT of time together. I had just showered/dressed, and was playing with DD while the other adults showered and dressed.

Anyway, to the point above. I didn't say anything. I simply got up quickly and said, "Let's go play downstairs." It really wasn't that big a deal (the actual "incident"), but I just needed a harmless little outlet for my momentary frustration (this thread).

The bigger issue with her is just boundaries in general. Of any kind. She just doesn't respect them. Examples:
1) She calls and texts numerous times every time we make up the drive to see them to ask where we are/how we're doing/what time we'll arrive. (It's not a long trip, but long enough that it's annoying to get multiple calls.) We've asked her not to do that because it's not exactly safe, and the at-the-time baby needed the car sleep, and it's just annoying, etc. She refuses to stop making those calls. We just ignore them now. We call or text to let them know when we leave, and give a general expected arrival time. If we hit traffic or something, we give an update. It's just enough, already. But the phone is still ringing/buzzing...

2) When I was breastfeeding, she always wanted to be in the room, even though I was not comfortable with that. She'd peek in. She'd ask to come in. I'd always say no. She'd say "but [name-of-friend's daughter] doesn't mind." Well, I do. It's a boundary. I'll see you in 20 minutes. It's not a big deal.

3) When we visit/they visit, she and my FIL really do expect to spend every minute together. Holidays=everyone sits in a circle in one room ALL DAY, and it is considered rude to have even a magazine or look at your phone/iPad. "We should be chatting." As a result, the conversation is really repetitive, and it's just stifling. No one else but her and my FIL want the dynamic to be that way, but my husband and his sister just give into it, so my SIL's wife and I have to give into it, too. If someone leaves to even go to the bathroom, they are accused of "disappearing." So there are no social boundaries, as it were.

I know that, taken individually, all these things are small/petty. But they add up. She doesn't respect boundaries. I feel like she doesn't listen to me or respect me. I feel like she doesn't see me as an individual in my own right, but rather as someone who should conform to her standards/rules/way of thinking. So anyway, we have a generally good relationship, and I do actually like her, but sometimes I just need to vent into the void a little bit.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure how old your toddler is, but would you be ok with DH taking her up for a visit without you? What about saying you're going to visit x tourist place or y playground during the visit because DD will need to burn off some energy?

Or have DH ask them down and say very clearly in advance that you have some plans during that time that you need to follow (or you and DD, so you get some time with your kid and DH can handle his parents alone)?

I think you've got to start being a little creative about breaking up the dynamic. I definitely see how your MIL's actions were particularly annoying when you're never given space at all. Find a positive way to take it!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that that is a bit intrusive. But Jeez. It comes from love. That really isn't bad as much as it may be uncomfortable.

Are you kidding me? Gross. The granddaughter was probably conceived in that bed. There should be some sacred, personal space.

And she didn't even knock? RUDE. My in-laws don't behave this way, thankfully.

Um, so?! My son was probably conceived bent over the bathroom counter in my old condo- was no one supposed to be able to go pee in there?! It wasn't like she crawled under the covers and took a snooze while you were changing clothes. Yes, I think knocking and waiting is always good but I think you have to be a troll to be serious about this level of excitement over this.

Un effing clench (and I hate that overused phrase!)

My mom has sat on my bed in my bedroom, she's someone's MIL after all, and the world did not stop. But I'm sure YOUR mom is somehow exempt from these rants?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that that is a bit intrusive. But Jeez. It comes from love. That really isn't bad as much as it may be uncomfortable.

Are you kidding me? Gross. The granddaughter was probably conceived in that bed. There should be some sacred, personal space.

And she didn't even knock? RUDE. My in-laws don't behave this way, thankfully.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or you could try making her feel included in common areas instead of hiding out in the bedroom with her granddaughter and then getting all put out when she wants to join in. jerk.

signed, a DIL

OP here. I wasn't "hiding out." After serving a great breakfast, I took a shower while they played, then when the other adults showered and dressed, we made the bed and had playtime.

They've been here for more than a week. I've cooked, we've done activities, we've chatted, we've gotten a sitter and then taken them out to dinner...

How about give us 20 minutes alone, knock, and get off my BED?!

Yeah, your MIL was out of line. There's no reason for her to go in the master bedroom, and it's really ok to have a few minutes alone with your kid.

Did you say anything? The only thing I can think of would be an instant response as soon as she started to go through the door saying, "We'll be down in a minute!" But that's hindsight. I would be so shocked if my MIL did this, I wouldn't really know what to do.

OP here. In re: some previous posts, I wasn't feeding a baby...I don't know how that got inferred. I was playing on a made bed with a toddler, and the door was only open a very small crack. We had been "social" and inclusive the whole visit...we had already all spent a LOT of time together. I had just showered/dressed, and was playing with DD while the other adults showered and dressed.

Anyway, to the point above. I didn't say anything. I simply got up quickly and said, "Let's go play downstairs." It really wasn't that big a deal (the actual "incident"), but I just needed a harmless little outlet for my momentary frustration (this thread).

The bigger issue with her is just boundaries in general. Of any kind. She just doesn't respect them. Examples:
1) She calls and texts numerous times every time we make up the drive to see them to ask where we are/how we're doing/what time we'll arrive. (It's not a long trip, but long enough that it's annoying to get multiple calls.) We've asked her not to do that because it's not exactly safe, and the at-the-time baby needed the car sleep, and it's just annoying, etc. She refuses to stop making those calls. We just ignore them now. We call or text to let them know when we leave, and give a general expected arrival time. If we hit traffic or something, we give an update. It's just enough, already. But the phone is still ringing/buzzing...

2) When I was breastfeeding, she always wanted to be in the room, even though I was not comfortable with that. She'd peek in. She'd ask to come in. I'd always say no. She'd say "but [name-of-friend's daughter] doesn't mind." Well, I do. It's a boundary. I'll see you in 20 minutes. It's not a big deal.

3) When we visit/they visit, she and my FIL really do expect to spend every minute together. Holidays=everyone sits in a circle in one room ALL DAY, and it is considered rude to have even a magazine or look at your phone/iPad. "We should be chatting." As a result, the conversation is really repetitive, and it's just stifling. No one else but her and my FIL want the dynamic to be that way, but my husband and his sister just give into it, so my SIL's wife and I have to give into it, too. If someone leaves to even go to the bathroom, they are accused of "disappearing." So there are no social boundaries, as it were.

I know that, taken individually, all these things are small/petty. But they add up. She doesn't respect boundaries. I feel like she doesn't listen to me or respect me. I feel like she doesn't see me as an individual in my own right, but rather as someone who should conform to her standards/rules/way of thinking. So anyway, we have a generally good relationship, and I do actually like her, but sometimes I just need to vent into the void a little bit.