Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DC has been coming home every day talking about "the bad" kid in class - what that kid did each day that was disruptive, how many "chance" that kid got, and how much DC doesn't like school because of "the bad" kid. (The disruptive behavior ranges from attacking other kids to screaming to smashing things etc.)

So, I'm very sympathetic that it seems like this kid clearly needs behavioral intervention support (or whatever is the best fit for the needs) and hasn't received it (yet?) (kindergarten). I'm hoping the teacher/school/parents are on this & suspect that's the case -- but

1) what is the best way to talk to my DC about it - I've been trying "XX isn't *bad*, XX is trying to learn how to behave when angry/emotional/etc or learn how to follow the rules" -- (DC and sibling both responded "no XX is just bad!" what works best here?

2) don't want DC to be an disruptive environment or be upset daily by this type of behavior vs. feeling in a safe, secure, respectful environment (to use Arne Duncan's vernacular). I think it's probably not probably as disruptive as DC is conveying but it's clear there's an issue (and other parents have raised it too). I was thinking of raising it by raising question 1 with teacher as a way of broaching it, but also don't have parent/teacher conferences/easy opportunity to discuss it until November.

I typically would tell my kids at that age that they need to focus on not reporting the negative things about other people. I then add that would they want their friends to go home to their families and say that they heard that you: had a meltdown when you didn't get your way, were overtired and talked back to your mother on Saturday, pushed your brother when he grabbed your toy, etc.

I really disagree. I agree with not reporting bad behavior (tattling) to others unnecessarily, but if my kid wants to tell me, the parent, what's going on at school? I want to hear what she wants to tell me. I'm not about stopping her from talking with me about her concerns. We don't gossip outside the family, but very open communication within.

Anonymous wrote:We comprehend fine. Your point is your child was using the word "bad" and we're all wondering where he got it.

Anonymous wrote:OP, here. Thanks for the advice and thoughts.

But basic reading comprehension... in post, note, I did not use the word bad, (in fact was steering my kids away from the word) my children did, I tried to focus on saying the other child was adjusting to a new school.

The child in question is actually *attacking* other children - which has made the message 'just worry about yourself' harder to say just worry about yourself if you and your friends feel like potential *targets*), one of the teachers in the class is spending nearly all their time with just the one child, and child has been sent home from school in the middle of the day a couple times already - so it is a fairly disruptive situation. And clearly a kid that seems like he needs extra behavioral psychological help. It's not like in my other child's class where there are a couple kids who lose some behavior points etc.

That's inane. My 5yo said that about another kid in K too and it was never something I had said about a kid. 5 year olds know the concept of bad behavior. And they express it in basic terms like that.

Anonymous wrote:That's the most insane thing I've ever heard. What kind of school would do that to a kindergartener? The child needs help not harsh discipline. I would file a complaint with the district or state. There is a written policy against suspension for children 3rd grade and under in most states and I can't imagine that we're only a few weeks into the school year and that there is any justification for this.
OP, in hearing this I'm thinking the problem is your school. Yes the child has issues but that's not the proper way to handle this and is making things worse for the child and for the child's classmates.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Seriously. all of the parents in the school were talking about it, the kid did get suspended (from kindergarten!), and my DC has gotten gold stars for behavior. Lots of parents would be unsettled if their child was feeling unsafe/threatened and/or a child with discipline problems was taking all the attention in a class. DCUM is ridiculous.

This is actually DCPS policy (which should be change). I think OP was responding to others basically saying her child was making up the concerns - not justifying the practice. +1 DCUM is ridiculous

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Seriously. all of the parents in the school were talking about it, the kid did get suspended (from kindergarten!), and my DC has gotten gold stars for behavior. Lots of parents would be unsettled if their child was feeling unsafe/threatened and/or a child with discipline problems was taking all the attention in a class. DCUM is ridiculous.

I agree. DCUM always sides with the "bad kid" until it's their child that's affected. Most people commenting have no idea what it's like to worry about their child's physical safety.

That's the most insane thing I've ever heard. What kind of school would do that to a kindergartener? The child needs help not harsh discipline. I would file a complaint with the district or state. There is a written policy against suspension for children 3rd grade and under in most states and I can't imagine that we're only a few weeks into the school year and that there is any justification for this.
OP, in hearing this I'm thinking the problem is your school. Yes the child has issues but that's not the proper way to handle this and is making things worse for the child and for the child's classmates.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Seriously. all of the parents in the school were talking about it, the kid did get suspended (from kindergarten!), and my DC has gotten gold stars for behavior. Lots of parents would be unsettled if their child was feeling unsafe/threatened and/or a child with discipline problems was taking all the attention in a class. DCUM is ridiculous.

OP here. Seriously. all of the parents in the school were talking about it, the kid did get suspended (from kindergarten!), and my DC has gotten gold stars for behavior. Lots of parents would be unsettled if their child was feeling unsafe/threatened and/or a child with discipline problems was taking all the attention in a class. DCUM is ridiculous.

Anonymous wrote:Google "Charles" by Shirley Jackson Then read it.

THIS!!!

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my kid, "You worry about YOURSELF" stop worrying about what others are doing, you can't control your surroundings and if you need a perfect environment to do well you are never going to get that.

Do your work, worry about yourself and stop paying attention to the other kids.

"But the kid is loud"
Worry about yourself.
"But the kid breaks things"
Worry about yourself
"but the kids eats his bugger"
Worry about yourself
"But he burps his alphabet"
Okay, that one is cool, ask for lessons on the playground.

Amen.
I would say the same to his mom who comes here all worried about this. MYOB.

As a parent and a former teacher I would not assume it's 100% true. often kids talk about the bad kids and the ones who fail tests to deflect from their own issues. Sure the kid is probably acting up, but it may not be nearly as extreme as your kid says and your kid may be as challenging for all you know.

I say something like "We all have strengths and challenges. Sounds like this is a challenge for him. We care most about your behavior. I hope you are kind and patient with this child. I also hope you are making good choices."

If I hear every day and I find out my kid is no saint I say something like "You need to worry about you. The teacher and that child's parents are the ones to focus on his challenges."

Google "Charles" by Shirley Jackson Then read it.

OP here. Interested to see that thread had continued. I haven't heard much from DC about the kid being disruptive - so I think/hope that the child has settled in and the teacher/aide are managing it well. I hope that's the case. Both of my DCs were mainly receptive to empathy thing & really got that they shouldn't *pick on* the child b/c they would not like anyone to pick on them or tease them or call them names etc - particularly when they are upset. FYI - I think the root of the *bad* word seems to come from things like superheros and movies where there is a *bad* character.

I appreciate the postings from the parents where the children are struggling with behavior - it is really hard with kindergarteners & get it's hard to figure out how to support social-emotional development (much more than the ABCs!). My DC has also been dealing with how to handle feeling when kids make fun (feels 'picked on' very quickly where my other DC doesn't mind/likes mild teasing as playful) or the friendships floating in & out.

Anonymous wrote:OP, here. thanks for the advice. Trying to instill empathy. DC did come home saying that the aforementioned kid had been pretending to be sick because kid didn't want to go to school (in a way that DC is understanding that the kid is having a hard time).

OP, new poster here. Please update us. It's been a while since the original post, so let us know here what happens and how the school resolves this.

Have you talked directly to the teacher yet? I didn't see it in your various posts but might have missed it. The teacher will not ever talk about a child to someone who is not that child's parent or guardian, but if your child feels unsafe and distracted, you need to let the teacher know that clearly. Even if your child is somewhat exaggerating the kid's actual behaviors (as kids this age do), if your child sincerely feels unsafe -- he feels unsafe, period, and the teacher needs to know that. And you noted early on that other parents have commented that their kids also have issues with this one child's disruptiveness. That means that something is going on beyond just some kids who are overreacting to another child's kindergarten adjustment troubles.

I have a much older child. I can tell you, OP, that "Just focus on yourself, just worry about you and not other people" works some of the time at this age, but not every time, and especially not always with the youngest students for whom everything is new and distracting. They don't yet know how to focus just on themselves; they are going to focus on this one child if he is getting all this attention, smashing things, screaming. Practicing role-play with them to teach "Remove yourself, walk away, say 'You cannot touch me'" IS useful, and you absolutely should teach that over and over, but be aware -- they are likely to forget that training in the heat of the moment when the kid is right there in their classroom screaming or smashing. That's why I would teach that lesson, and discourage any idea of "bad" in this kid, but at the same time as the parent I would tell the teacher immediately that my child was reporting distraction and disruption. And I would go back to the teacher, then beyond the teacher, if nothing changes.

I just want to offer support because I know it's so hard. This sounds like what we went through with my son for a few years in pre K and K. It's absolutely heartbreaking. I don't have any magic advice. Things got better for us when he was older, but I think it was a combination of him maturing and wonderful teachers. We also pulled out of school at the same age as you. *hugs*

Other than smashing things, you are describing my kindergartener, who I am pulling out of her parochial school this week.

I have to say I am floored in a good way by all the responses requesting empathy. Maybe it sounds silly, but thank you.

I also understand the OP's legitimate concern. It's not fair/right that a class should be held hostage by one disruptive kid.

But here's my side of the story, for what it's worth. My kid does not have a history of physical aggression, yelling, etc. beyond normal kid stuff. My child can behave in a totally normal fashion outside of the classroom about 90% of the time. All of our friends and family are surprised/shocked that the adjustment has been such a huge disaster. Our family has been through an international move this summer and then my spouse's job changed and is requiring a lot of travel away from home so that's not helping. We knew about the move, obviously, but it's still a big transition.

We thought we found a good kindergarten fit but almost from the beginning the teacher has pointed out every transgression. Believe me, I completely GET that physical aggression is not all right, but she has made a point of telling me that another parent complained that my child called the other child "stupid." Again, not ok, but they are 5 and this was two weeks into the year. Every day, I have a conversation with my child about listening to the teacher, using kind words, keeping hands to self. There are consequences at home for any physical aggression. At two weeks we were told that our child was behind peers academically and child could not do the schoolwork (even though they had the records from the previous school AND conducted an assessment prior to accepting us). At our first parent/teacher meeting with the school the teacher mentioned that the other kids were trying to "help" my kid with child's work when child wasn't completing it correctly and that for some reason my child was upset by that. The teacher seemed totally oblivious to the fact that other kids helping was most likely them pointing out that my kid was doing it wrong. No judgement - it's just the age, but apparently my kid is the "bad" kid because child doesn't like being picked on. And child is getting picked on - when I ask, why did you say you would punch someone, the answer was, they were laughing at me, told me I talked like a baby.

My spouse and I both have mothers that were teachers for 35+ years. There wasn't a lot of poor you when we were growing up and we don't really believe in poor you either. But I do think my kid's teacher fixated on my kid and labeled them the "bad kid."

I am sorry to hijack your thread - I am not trying to downplay what your child is experiencing. I just wanted to offer the perspective of a parent of the bad kid. We are fortunate that we can pull our kid out of school and have childcare at home while we figure out what to do next.

The one thing you can do is request that your child not be seated near him. Other than that, the teacher is having a much harder time with the bad kid than your child is. Welcome to public school. This is what makes it so great.