Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of the comments. Some definitely hit close to home, mostly regarding DH being a doormat to SIL. He's been one his entire life. I'm going to take the advice of many PP's and step back a bit from handling the details of this visit and leave it to DH. Basically, DH won't ever have my back here, so I'm lucky they are, indeed, out of towners and not any closer.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

OP here. Thanks for all of the comments. Some definitely hit close to home, mostly regarding DH being a doormat to SIL. He's been one his entire life. I'm going to take the advice of many PP's and step back a bit from handling the details of this visit and leave it to DH. Basically, DH won't ever have my back here, so I'm lucky they are, indeed, out of towners and not any closer.

Your husband is not willing to give up his younger-child position in the family, which is too bad. Siblings have to be peers or else the respect is not equal - and the preferences of the younger/or weaker gets trampled. Age - who's older, who's younger, and frankly personalities, is irrelevant once adult siblings are financially self-sustaining adults. All are deserving of equal respect. However, it's a difficult behavior pattern to break. It usually takes years, and a battle of wills before things settle down. The sooner one gets started, the sooner one insists on equal consideration, the better.

Okay - the visit is happening whether you like it or not so let us help you manage this.

Do you work or are you at home during te day?
What do they do all day while they visit?
What kinds of things do you have scheduled already that cannot be changed?
What kind of prep work is needed before they come and how burdonsome is that for you?

Give some details and we can come up with some phrases that will allow you to say how you feel without sounding terrible yet still being honest. SIL just needs to hear and hopefully understand your side. Depending on the challenges you mention, maybe you can even use her micromanaging skills to help you!

Anonymous wrote:Another woman who married a doormat for a husband, then is perturbed because he's a doormat to his SIL (usually it's the MIL who trumps the wife).

Ladies, don't marry doormats that you can push around and then complain when your female in-laws push him around better than you can. They have had more practice.

Do you suggest there is a particular screening mechanism for this? Or should the DILs have crystal balls to look into?

You have a husband problem. She should not be visiting, period. He should have your back. It is your house too.

I'm still amazed that people's family (liked or not) would stay in a hotel for a visit. That is just no done on my side or DH's. My side especially could not afford hotels for every visit. They could come maybe once a year if that were true. And that's not the point anyway.

You sound terrible OP - exactly like your SIL trying to control everything, which is exactly why you two don't get along.

Anonymous wrote:I get how you feel, but it is ypur DH's house too. But, given that he is the one to want her to stay, can he deal with all the crap...he should be cleaning the house, the sheets, buying groceries, making meals etc. make him a list if you feel like he does not know what to do. Make a schedule of what needs to be done ( for ypur job and child) and stick with it. Make it clear that ypu are unable to cater to ypur SIL this visit.

This. DH does everything. If you would be cooking dinner anyway, fine, include SIL ... but if not, het can do it. He can clean, cook, get her settled, etc. You do what you need to do for yourself, your job, and your kid. If SIL doesn't like it, too bad, maybe she'll stay away next time. If she's fine with it, then it's win-win, because you don't have to do anything.

Another woman who married a doormat for a husband, then is perturbed because he's a doormat to his SIL (usually it's the MIL who trumps the wife).

Ladies, don't marry doormats that you can push around and then complain when your female in-laws push him around better than you can. They have had more practice.