Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, you make quite an assumption about why the friend doesn't like me. She doesn't like me because I bailed as DD during my sister's bachelorette party when strippers became involved. Yes, I paid for two cabs so everyone got home safely. Her friend just thinks I'm a loser for not wanting to participate. She and my sister have always been the party types, and I am...not.

You assume a lot, OP. You assume this woman doesn't like you, and you assume you know the reason why (strippers.) You assume you know the reason for your sister's choice- but do you? Did you ask her? You also assume your sister doesn't approve of your life and parenting. Try letting down the defensive shield for a minute and actually talking to these people. Ask your sister about her choice, ask her about her friend. Don't assume you know people's motives-- more often than not you will be dead wrong, and still miserable.

She told my sister that and my sister told me. That's not an assumption.

Also, my sister doesn't know I know I'm not the guardian. Our mom told me.

Moms are such assholes sometimes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister and her husband havechosen her best friend instead of me as the guardian for her two children. I'm devastated. I love both kids to death, and her best friend is not a fan of me, and I know if anything happens to my sister and her husband, I will most likely not see my niece and nephew again.

The worst part is, her decision is totally based on my parenting ability. I've struggled for my child's entire life, first with really bad PPD and now with general work-life balance. It's so hard to hear that someone thinks you're too poor of a parent to care for their children.

Has anyone been in this situation? Any sage advice for me?

OP, reread your post. Your sister made a good choice, based on the stability of you vs. her friend. I know you feel hurt, but your sister is putting the needs of her children above the wants of her sister. Try to lick your wounds and get over it.

The chances of this actually coming to pass are (thankfully) very slim.

+1 Also, she's giving you a break. If you struggle now, how would it be with two more kids? It's a kindness. You shouldn't be devastated.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe people are missing my two issues.

1. She's said I'm an unfit mother to my own child, by implying I can't raise hers.

2. She's picked someone who will ensure I never see my niece and nephew, simply because she thinks I'm a killjoy.

By the way, I said PPD. That's over and done with, and my child is two years old.

No, people are not missing your issues. They are saying that you are projecting your feelings of insecurity and depression onto others. You are taking a very negative perspective on the given circumstances. Most of the people here think you need to get therapy to treat your depression so that you can see things realistically rather than pessimistically.

1. Your sister did not say you are unfit to raise your other child. She has not implied that you cannot raise her children. If anything she has implied that you have your hands full with one child and a full-time work schedule such that you already have work-life balance issues. She does not think that adding two additional children into your life will be good for any of you. If you change the perspective to the one that she is as much concerned for you as her children and doesn't want to burden you or put her children into a situation that makes your life unbearably difficult them you can give yourself a more positive perspective. She does not want her children to be a burden to you and wants them to go to a household that has more time for them.

2. You have no idea whether the friend will definitely keep you from seeing your niece and nephew, you only know that she doesn't like you because you and she are not compatible friends. She may be a person who values family over all else and will make sure that you see the kids even though she doesn't like you. But once again, you have taken the circumstance that the friend doesn't like you and projected the very negative shadow that she will keep you from your kids. As I said earlier, since you cannot change the friend, you can change the friend's perspective on you. Work on fixing what is in your control which is the perception that you do not have the work-life balance to handle more than is on your plate. If you fix your work-life balance and have more time for family, especially your own child, it will give the perception that you have the time and energy to handle more than is currently on your plate. Right now, even you admit that you are having problems handling what is already on your plate, let alone anything more.

Anonymous wrote:PP, you make quite an assumption about why the friend doesn't like me. She doesn't like me because I bailed as DD during my sister's bachelorette party when strippers became involved. Yes, I paid for two cabs so everyone got home safely. Her friend just thinks I'm a loser for not wanting to participate. She and my sister have always been the party types, and I am...not.

Did you call the cabs yourself? The way you wrote this it sounds like you tried to end the party.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, you make quite an assumption about why the friend doesn't like me. She doesn't like me because I bailed as DD during my sister's bachelorette party when strippers became involved. Yes, I paid for two cabs so everyone got home safely. Her friend just thinks I'm a loser for not wanting to participate. She and my sister have always been the party types, and I am...not.

You assume a lot, OP. You assume this woman doesn't like you, and you assume you know the reason why (strippers.) You assume you know the reason for your sister's choice- but do you? Did you ask her? You also assume your sister doesn't approve of your life and parenting. Try letting down the defensive shield for a minute and actually talking to these people. Ask your sister about her choice, ask her about her friend. Don't assume you know people's motives-- more often than not you will be dead wrong, and still miserable.

She told my sister that and my sister told me. That's not an assumption.

Also, my sister doesn't know I know I'm not the guardian. Our mom told me.

Do you think this person would keep your niece and nephew from your mother?

Anonymous wrote:Maybe people are missing my two issues.

1. She's said I'm an unfit mother to my own child, by implying I can't raise hers.

2. She's picked someone who will ensure I never see my niece and nephew, simply because she thinks I'm a killjoy.

By the way, I said PPD. That's over and done with, and my child is two years old.

YOU are missing the ONLY issue... Look in the mirror. YOU are the only issue here.

Get therapy for your low self esteem. #1 and #2 are figments of your imagination.

FWIW, we didn't choose my sister either but chose old friends instead. My sister would have been a good mom but she was married to a self-indulgent drunk at the time.

OP, this is news that is disheartening and understandably makes you sad but your sister is making her choice based on what she wants for her children. It's normal to feel sad but you've turned this into a judgment about you. For you, it's no longer about her kids, it's about you, you, you. Can you see how someone might be reluctant to choose someone who sees everything as being focused on her?

Anonymous wrote:Maybe people are missing my two issues.

1. She's said I'm an unfit mother to my own child, by implying I can't raise hers.

2. She's picked someone who will ensure I never see my niece and nephew, simply because she thinks I'm a killjoy.

By the way, I said PPD. That's over and done with, and my child is two years old.

1. That is not what she said. It's how you are interpreting her wishes. Has she tried to declare you unfit to raise your child? Has she tried to keep you from seeing your niece and nephew because you are a terrible person? Of course not. Frankly, you sound super sensitive and very rigid, so maybe she thinks she has more in common, values and personality-wise, with her fun-loving friend. This is not an indictment of you.

2. You are imagining that the friend would never let you see your niece and nephew again if your sister died. You are accusing her of being the kind of person who literally would keep grieving children away from their biological relatives because she doesn't think they are fun. This is a terribly unfair and judgmental thing to say about another person and really makes me wonder about your grasp on reality.

You sound like you have a LOT of emotional baggage that it's time to let go of. If this is bothering you so much, please talk to your sister about her decision and how she came to make it. I agree with the PP who wonders where the adults are in your family with all this she-said, she-said nonsense from you, your sister and even your mother!

(And I would be pissed at my sister, too, if she stalked out of my bachelorette party because there were strippers. Sometimes you just need to put your own needs and judgments aside for a few hours to celebrate with your own goddamned sister. It doesn't matter if you called cabs or not, I'm sure you put a huge damper on the evening. And I don't like strippers, either.)

I really don't know why people agonize over this.

1. It is very unlikely to happen.
2. There are many factors that go into how a child/children would be placed. Parent wishes are taken into account, but, ultimately a lot of factors go into this decision and if children are older (the most likely scenario) their own wishes will be taken into account.

OP, your sister does not think you are an unfit parent. Get over this. Why did your mom even tell you this? I guess she is the pot-stirrer in the family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure picking a guardian who will keep her children from their family is a good call.

Anyway, it doesn't help with my extremely low self-esteem. It makes me think my child is better off with someone else.

Take these feelings to therapy, not to your sister.

I haven't told my sister those feelings, only DCUM right now. If I'm not suitable for family, why would I be suitable to take care of my own child? Serious question.

The fact that you would leap right to that assumption about yourself is a sign that you really should work with a therapist.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe people are missing my two issues.

1. She's said I'm an unfit mother to my own child, by implying I can't raise hers.

2. She's picked someone who will ensure I never see my niece and nephew, simply because she thinks I'm a killjoy.

By the way, I said PPD. That's over and done with, and my child is two years old.

#1 is not the case at all (I'm pp who said we chose my husband's sister over my brother because their lifestyle/values are more similar).

You sound a little nutty, OP. Seriously.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe people are missing my two issues.

1. She's said I'm an unfit mother to my own child, by implying I can't raise hers.

2. She's picked someone who will ensure I never see my niece and nephew, simply because she thinks I'm a killjoy.

By the way, I said PPD. That's over and done with, and my child is two years old.

1. OP, ignore your sister's mean comment. Raise your child and let her raise hers.

2. Who really cares what her BFF thinks? We are adults and not in middle school.

3. This is excellent news. PPD can happen to anyone and last for years; it is not a personal flaw or failing. Focus on your future and your kid's. Not what might be or what could have been.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe people are missing my two issues.

1. She's said I'm an unfit mother to my own child, by implying I can't raise hers.

2. She's picked someone who will ensure I never see my niece and nephew, simply because she thinks I'm a killjoy.

By the way, I said PPD. That's over and done with, and my child is two years old.

#1 doesn't make sense. #2 is something you can work on.

I mean, lots of men didn't propose to me. I don't think they are saying I am a terrible wife for my husband.