Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the brief text was his way of reaching out. Panic attacks are very scary and very serious.

Do you know if he told his dad? Is dad supportive at all?

Maybe a trip up there for a quick meal, I know it's a long drive but just a dinner might be just the thing. You can outline for him some things he can do (counseling center, RA, whatever you can come up with) and come up with a plan together on how to move forward.
You could give him notice now and then some time to think about what he wants to do. You want him to take some ownership and responsibility in helping himself, while helping as his mom. It's a fine line!
I feel for you OP!

Don't do this,,the very definition of helicoptering.

I agree. 2 weeks is not enough time to swoop in and fix his problems. At 2 weeks, you can be the lifeline on the phone to help him talk it out and brainstorm ideas, but it's way too early. He has to learn to adjust and start to solve problems on his own. I would think the earliest that you want to go and "save him" is around mid-terms? Maybe Halloween? But 2 weeks? Definitely way too soon to be saving the day. He hasn't really been given a chance to try and fix things on his own, and you're already there to prevent him from learning and building that life experience that college is meant to help impart.

Anonymous wrote:I was miserable my first few weeks of college. My roommates and I were not a great match. I spent most of the first 2 weeks sleeping in another dorm with some HS friends. I lost weight b/c I didn't want to eat in the cafeteria alone. It was pretty terrible.

Then I realized that this was my life and I had to adjust. I started participating in dorm activities. A friend encouraged me to join a club sports team. Suddenly I had new friends.
In fact my best friend to this day is someone I met in college at the beginning of freshman year.

He needs to get involved in some sort of activity and make friends. Encourage him to get involved. I know it can be tough if he is having panic attacks and is maybe even depressed but he'll find his clique if he tries.

If he was BMOC maybe a fraternity or club sports team might be where he finds his new crew.

Good luck to him

I agree. When I was a freshman, the RA and I just didn't really connect. He and several of the guys on my dorm floor were sports jock types and they understood each other. At the time, I really wasn't very receptive to an adult like a counselor because that just felt more like a parent which is what I was trying to get away from.

I found a club, well, actually the club essentially found me when the current president saw me one evening when I was looking for a diversion and roped me in. That guy and several of the friends that I met in this club became some of my best friends. 4 of them are still my best friends almost 30 years later. The club president who roped me in? He was a senior and he became a bit of the mentor that this young freshman needed and I learned a lot from him about how to adjust to college. In my junior and senior year, I was also president of the same club and I do know that I roped in some freshman, and I also helped some of them with the transition to college. It's a time-honored rite of passage that is a cycle.

While you can encourage your son to go to a counselor, also suggest that he look for clubs that interest him and try to see if he can find others including maybe some upperclassmen who might be able to help him transition to college.

OP, you sound really reasonable to me as well. I don't like that others have dismissed your worries. Sometimes depression does kick in in college when the kids are away for the first time. And, it is often harder for boys since they tend to mature later. He may really miss home and is too afraid to tell you.

Stay close and let him know he can text/call any hour of the day. Good luck!

OP did any of his friends from HS go to this same college? Sometimes having a meal or doing something with kids from their HS helps ease them into their new school. As classes get underway hopefully he will start meeting new people. Also, encourage him to hit the gym when he is feeling stressed. It's a good way to expend energy and also a great place to meet people. If it's JMU, it can be an overwhelming place socially for some kids, especially at the beginning. If it's UVA, it can be pretty overwhelming to be around so many type a's if he was used to being king of the hill at his HS.

It takes time. You need to normalize this for him. College is a big transition for everyone. Encourage him to use the resources at hand and also to find his people through clubs, etc. Has he had a panic attack before, is he sure that's what happened? Treat it as a health issue like any other, not an indication of some huge mismatch.

Your tone is going to determine a lot here about his response. Remember the days on the playground when he'd fall and look to you to see whether it hurt? That's happening again. That's why he called to tell you about the panic attack. He's trying to figure out how worried to be. Have faith in the tools you've already given him to get through adversity and he will have faith in them also.

Hi, you sound like an awesome mom! I have children so I understand it's hard to watch them struggle but I think you are doing all you can. He will learn and grow so much through it all. I think you gave him great advice to speak to the RA and counselor. Change can be hard so I think it will just take time to adjust and learn new coping mechanisms. It's important that he reach out to others...get involved and meet new people. I pray that things will get easier for him and he will start making friends and building healthy happy relationships. In Jesus name amen!

Anonymous wrote:
Swooping in to save the day is helicoptering. it suggests that you don't believe your son or daughter can handle the situation independently. Being homesick or stressed two weeks into college is totally normal.

Yes. I was pretty unhappy my first couple of months of college. I talked to my RA, I talked to friends, I learned how to cope. If I had needed my parents, they would have come. But what I needed was to learn how to fix things on my own.

I do not know if your son's school talked to you about this at parent orientation. It is totally natural for there to be adjustment issues within the first month. Most colleges expect it. They also say that you should NOT step in like you would at home. They want the kids to learn to start using the resources available to them on campus to resolve these issues. Many will tell you NOT to rush up there and NOT to allow him to come home immediately. Urge him to use the resources the school provides. That being said, your DS is going through something that is natural.

My advice is to tell him to focus on school work for now. He should be hanging out all day and all night in the library getting ahead so that grades don't suffer. It gives him something to do and somewhere to go that is away from the dorms. It also is a legitimate place to be alone. He will be amazed at how many people are there and after a while he will be friends with all of them. If there are study groups in his classes that's also a good way to find new friends. A part time job on campus is also a good idea. The gym, the coffee shop, the student commons are all good spots for an easy job that gets you face recognition will a lot of people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good advice re: RA and counseling center. I don't think he should 'consider' it. I think you should strongly encourage him to go.

How far away is he?

He is about two hours away by car. Almost too easy to race over. Yes, I will try to push him a little harder toward counseling.

Would it be wrong to visit him and have a meal off campus?

Definitely go to vusit but only if he wants you too. He may say "you dont have to come, its ok" but you should be able to tell if he really wants you to come.
Tough love may not be the way to go here, panic attacks are not the same as regular old homesickness.
Let him know that its ok to have a gough transition and to actually not be ready to be away.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Well I will go against the grain and not suggest counseling yet.

Having a panic attack isn't really horrible. It happens.

It's been 2 weeks. And I can understand for someone who is used to being popular and had not had the experience of being the one to introduce himself, or make an effort that all of a sudden realizing that yeah, you are going to have to work at socializing can be rough. I think it's ok if he feels sad and even depressed for a short time. It's something he has to work through. If it goes on longer than a month, then yes, look at counseling.

Social issues aside, you may also want to consider if he might just really be homesick and miss the familiarity of home and you taking care of him and it's hard for him to express that to you.

Um, no it doesn't. If this was truly a panic attack, it doesn't just happen. And it is horrible. The person experiencing can feel like they are literally dying. What's not a big deal is going to see a counselor on campus. It certainly can't hurt, so why wouldn't you?

I don't think you driving up there will help. You will have a nice meal or whatever and he'll feel good to be with his mom and then you'll leave and he'll feel the loss of you and feel crappy again. Just let him push through it. I had a rough transition to college and it took a good 3 weeks to warm up. I basically didn't eat anything for three weeks because I was so homesick. Eventually, I made friends and got into a groove. He'll find some like-minded people. It will just take a bit of time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good advice re: RA and counseling center. I don't think he should 'consider' it. I think you should strongly encourage him to go.

How far away is he?

He is about two hours away by car. Almost too easy to race over. Yes, I will try to push him a little harder toward counseling.

Would it be wrong to visit him and have a meal off campus?

Definitely go to vusit but only if he wants you too. He may say "you dont have to come, its ok" but you should be able to tell if he really wants you to come.
Tough love may not be the way to go here, panic attacks are not the same as regular old homesickness.
Let him know that its ok to have a gough transition and to actually not be ready to be away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - if DC is only two hours away, I'd just drive down and spend a day with him. NO counseling yet. Just take him out to lunch, coffee and talk. Sometimes, you just need to calibrate their perspectives... Don't try to over fix it.

Going there is "overfishing". No wonder kids have trouble adjusting to college these days, never allowed to have a bad day without mom or dad jumping it to "calibrate." Getting through some difficulties by oneself is how kids grow up, even if it is hard to see.

OP's kid is not having a bad day. He is having a serious of bad days. My sense is that if child's struggle is not getting any better, it's time to help him. You need to know when to jump in and help. there's a fine line between letting kids grow up and neglecting your parental duty.

Your poor kids. College kids are adult. Time to let go.

Your poor kids...

Not helping, pps.

OP, I agree with the posters who said that the kids who were popular in HS usually have it rougher the first few weeks. I was on the fringes in HS, and thought I'd died and gone to heaven in college. That being said, I didn't find my core group until probably a few weeks in. And by late September, it was great. Give it time. Did he say what triggered the attack? Was it being lonely? Worried he wouldn't ever find friends? Thinking he made a mistake in colleges? Or just missing his popular status? I think that makes a difference in what you advise. F/e: if he was doubting his ability to stick it out, I would suggest counseling. If he's concerned about making friends, I don't think he needs to go to counseling, I would just try to be encouraging and let him know it will get better, IF he puts himself out there (frat, clubs, sports).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ or unloved kids.

Really, you are a piece of work.

You don't say...

Anonymous wrote:^ or unloved kids.

Really, you are a piece of work.