Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just to clarify, my MIL isn't toxic. She just has her own beliefs and agenda (as we all do). She doesn't belittle or ridicule my husband, our children or myself. She clearly loves us all very much and just has issues with dealing new ways (instead of her old, cultural ways). Her own mother was very controlling, and this dysfunctional relationship still has its lingering repurcussions. MIL will claim she doesn't feel loved if we don't welcome her with open arms, but she never, ever insults us. Life is complicated. This agreement allows me to minimize the impact to my nanny (I'll probably give her Friday's off), and my work week. I'll work on telling her to stop rearranging stuff.

I can't help but to find it bizarre that OP's overriding concern (restated again and again) seems to focus squarely on the nanny and how she will handle the MIL's extended visit. I get it. A good nanny is hard to find. And you don't want to risk losing her. But it seems like your mother-in-law's extended visits impact your family and your routine well beyond the nanny.

OP here. Just to clarify, my MIL isn't toxic. She just has her own beliefs and agenda (as we all do). She doesn't belittle or ridicule my husband, our children or myself. She clearly loves us all very much and just has issues with dealing new ways (instead of her old, cultural ways). Her own mother was very controlling, and this dysfunctional relationship still has its lingering repurcussions. MIL will claim she doesn't feel loved if we don't welcome her with open arms, but she never, ever insults us. Life is complicated. This agreement allows me to minimize the impact to my nanny (I'll probably give her Friday's off), and my work week. I'll work on telling her to stop rearranging stuff.

Anonymous wrote:Let her visit. You go somewhere else.

If only...

+1. This is a great idea.

I will never understand why women put up with this. I feel completely drained after dealing with my husband's family for just a few hours - the incessant criticism, sarcasm, backbiting, etc. literally suck me dry. I could never put up with the situation the OP is describing. She needs to call a halt to this NOW or it will never end and she will grow to hate her MIL - and her husband.

OP, your husband is taking the easy way out, in part because he is cowed by cultural expectations but more importantly because you are willing to put up with this arrangement. Toxic people are toxic people, wherever they live. Your husband needs to man up (I really hate that term, but it fits here) and draw a line in the sand with his mother. If he can't do it, then you need to.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Well she's definitely coming the entire time but I worked with SIL on the conditions. SIL will take her during the weekdays (M-Th) and we will get her during the weekend (Th-S). MIL will officially stay at our house for Thanksgiving. My mother can come at Christmas and MIL will stay at SIL's. We will pitch in to rent her a car at SIL (though she never drives).

I think you can survive this as there is a "break" for you and nanny. I'm actuall more worried about losing your nanny than you.

Anonymous wrote:That still sounds horrible op. This is only going to get worse since she wants to move in and replace the nanny. Do you correct her when she is out of line? Your husband is an asset for making you deal with his problem. I would pack a bag for him and send both off to a hotel.

I meant your husband is an ass. He certainly isn't an asset. Damn autocorrect.

Let her visit. You go somewhere else.

If only...

That still sounds horrible op. This is only going to get worse since she wants to move in and replace the nanny. Do you correct her when she is out of line? Your husband is an asset for making you deal with his problem. I would pack a bag for him and send both off to a hotel.

OP again. Well she's definitely coming the entire time but I worked with SIL on the conditions. SIL will take her during the weekdays (M-Th) and we will get her during the weekend (Th-S). MIL will officially stay at our house for Thanksgiving. My mother can come at Christmas and MIL will stay at SIL's. We will pitch in to rent her a car at SIL (though she never drives).

We just finished a 12 day visit from ILs and my nerves are shot. Absolutely fried. I need to cry but can't. I'm just numb.

Are you Asian, by chance?

I am Asian.

Asians have different expectations.

However inappropriate it may be, you need to do what you need to do. If your MIL comes Thanksgiving to Christmas, you will lose it and probably alienate your MIL for life.

Best case scenario, piss her off a little bit but not so much to cut off for life. Skipping this season is fine.

Just ignore your husband. He will not stick up for you, although he really should. Just handle it yourself.

Just propose what you think you can handle-- 1 week or whatever. If she gets so mad she won't come. Be it. You can be super nice later and extend olive branch. You will have gotten what you needed by that point-- for her to not come.