How do you have a social life if weekends are really all about family? I'm so curious. I'd be missing our nights out/ entertaining etc terribly

Anonymous wrote:Too many stay at home moms on this thread. We only give your toddler a bath every few days. She smells fine.

We both work FT. My kids take a bath almost nightly. The only time we skip it is if we've been out too late, and they are too tired. When your kids are in ES, in summer camp, trust me, they will stink to high heaven at the end of the day.

Too many stay at home moms on this thread. We only give your toddler a bath every few days. She smells fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 4 young kids and am in upper management.

I compartmentalize. When I go to work (at 7am)- I am fully engaged. I work at the office. I don't communicate with home during the day. I've tried to work at home a few times and failed miserably. I've become uber efficient. I've cut out most small talk and hypothesizing that can consume hours in a day. I am super productive at work.
And I leave by 6- no ifs ands or buts.

I use my train ride home to decompress and switch my frame of mind. I try to get all the negativity and overhanging issues out of my head.

When I get home- I am completely in family mode. I do dinner, baths, homework, bedtime, and am completely "present" with my kids. Then I try to make some time for my husband (our relationship often gets the short stick). Then only if necessary, I logon and work for another hour before bed- but always try to get to bed by 10:30.

My weekends are completely for family. I don't let work invade it. I may logon Sunday night to get a jumpstart on the week.

After you figure out how to compartmentalize and be as efficient as you can, then decide if your job is still a problem and switch jobs. I just find so many people complain how busy, stressed they are when they only have 1 child. I know it's just because they are inefficient. For instance, I get my groceries, Target, and another errand done from 8:30-10pm one night/week. I know several moms who can stretch this out to an 8 hour outing.

Kudos to you, but I could never spend such little time with my kids.

Such little time with his/her kids??? From dinner until bed time and all weekend? That's pretty normal, sanctimommy.

It sounds exhausting... I don't see 10 minutes of "me time" for exercise, salon, friends, etc.

I call bullshit to many of the high-level executives on this forum pulling in huge salaries that have such important jobs, and they are so uber-efficient and present at work that are sitting here ripping each other's lives apart on an anonymous forum. I think most of you think you're way more important than you are, and you hide in your offices and fart around online just like everyone else, while your nannies raise your kids.

I'm not one of the high-level posters, but I think it's so sad that you can't believe something is possible just because you can't see yourself doing it. If it makes you feel better about yourself, I suppose...

I kind of get PPs point though, being able to eff around on DCUM by definition means you aren't busy doing important work, no? I know I am bored mindless in a position that has to stay open for budget reasons despite having almost no work to do anymore and that's why I have time to fart around on here. If you are 100% nose to the grind as you claim or doing something of such high critical importance you aren't logged on to DCUM, that doesn't makes sense.

FWIW, even though an hour a night is the norm, its really not all the much time with your kids during the week, its just our reality and its better if we just own it.

+100
Why can't we just admit the truth?

Wow this thread is really mean.

I have an amazing job I worked hard to get. I run my own business. There isn't a way to *downshift* or whatever for a few years without making it hard to keep things running in the future.

There are ways to make things better, although no magic trick. The most important are
1. It takes a village, DH, family, whatever. If they help and take good care of the kids, I accept it and try my best not to complain when things aren't done to my standards.
2. Outsource everything that isn't direct interaction with your kids or husband. Your kids don't care who doesn't the laundry. Everything. Don't pick out your clothes, your furniture, anything. It's not that big of a deal. Outsource dinner prep and cleanup if you need it. If you are losing your sanity, forget the costs and just do it for a while to get back together.
3. Focus on the things you are best at as a parent. I hate taking the kids outside, so the nanny does more of that and I do a lot of book reading, which I love and the kids love. I have more energy for doing parenting tasks I like. I give the kids baths mostly because I prefer that to DH. I do the pretend games, he does the long walks. Etc.

No magic bullet, but remember there are 24 hours a day. Figure out how to use your limited energy on the most important things (both work and family) that you can. That's the best you can hope for.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP with 4 kids. I was trying to help OP with tips of how to balance work, kids and stress. It is possible to do it, but as others posted it leaves little time for me or spouse- for now. I get to retire very early. Its all about tradeoffs.

NP, and not to sound morbid, but all we have is the present. As people age, illnesses become more common, people die way before they thought they would. I know too many people who looked forward to early retirement, scaling back, etc., and then they sacrificed so much by way of self-care along the way that they couldn't take advantage of what they hoped to.

It is all about tradeoffs, though, that's true. Our family's priorities are our relationships and our health. That high stress just isn't worth it.

Meditation has helped me enormously. The ability to take control of my mind and steer it into a more positive direction has saved me from times where I'd just collapse in a puddle of stress and anxiety. Guided meditation is the easiest way to start.

Anonymous wrote:Share your secrets, please, because I am drowning. I delegate and outsource as much as possible, but I am literally DROWNING. My life has gotten so out of control that I can't remember basic things and I never see my children. A few nights ago I had a dream that I was having a heart attack and dying. I can't take the stress anymore of being pulled in a million different directions.

You have to bring your children into the process. They can help in a hundred different ways----even by just not making more mess for you to deal with. My children have been taught to put on their own pajamas by themselves. At the start of the summer, I taught my 5yo to shower independently. He taught his sister (3yo), allowing me to get dinner started while they're getting ready for bed. They set the table, using a stepping stool in the kitchen to grab dishes. They are in charge of tidying up the living room. All toys get put away and the sofas cleared off, while I'm prepping lunches for camp. They help me load the dishwasher, and have always known to put dirty clothes near the washing machine.

I'm a single mom. I couldn't function without them pitching in on those everyday chores. They also know that, just as they have their homework, mommy has hers. So, they know that I have to focus on work stuff in the evenings, on occasion.

We pull together as a family.

I do this because of its practical benefits, but also view this as, well, how I want the children to approach family life. My children are not guests in my home, they are functioning family members. We all work to keep things a pace.

Find ways to build in self-care wherever possible. I pluck my eyebrows while the kids settle in for story time!! Ha!! It's not always glamorous, OP----far from it. Do what you can to prioritize your needs. Make "you" a part of everyday life. Don't sacrifice yourself for other tasks. You are your best resource. Lock down bedtime so you get enough sleep. Cook the foods that you crave; you can't survive on leftover nuggets.

Take care, OP. Sending you hugs.

I'm the PP with 4 kids. I was trying to help OP with tips of how to balance work, kids and stress. It is possible to do it, but as others posted it leaves little time for me or spouse- for now. I get to retire very early. Its all about tradeoffs.

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any answers for the OP on dealing with the stress except to downshift. Life is indeed too short and the OP has likely pissed away a substantial amount of it climbing the corporate/law firm/government ladder. I advocate to anyone who will listen that once they land a high-paying job in their late-20s/early-30s, they should bank as much money as possible. Don't buy the BMW, enormous house with the large mortgage, expensive vacations, etc... There is nothing wrong with buying a Honda, the small(er) home, modest vacation, etc.... The money you save will eventually save your life (or what's left of it).

Too many people who have spent 20+ years striving to reach a very high compensation level can't imagine living without it. It would be somehow shameful - i.e. admitting defeat - if you admitted that you can't hack it anymore. Newsflash - it's isn't defeat. It's actually declaring victory. Let yourself accept the fact that you "won" the game and that you have nothing left to prove.

Great advice. Kids grow up really fast, don't miss your window to spend quality time with them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 4 young kids and am in upper management.

I compartmentalize. When I go to work (at 7am)- I am fully engaged. I work at the office. I don't communicate with home during the day. I've tried to work at home a few times and failed miserably. I've become uber efficient. I've cut out most small talk and hypothesizing that can consume hours in a day. I am super productive at work.
And I leave by 6- no ifs ands or buts.

I use my train ride home to decompress and switch my frame of mind. I try to get all the negativity and overhanging issues out of my head.

When I get home- I am completely in family mode. I do dinner, baths, homework, bedtime, and am completely "present" with my kids. Then I try to make some time for my husband (our relationship often gets the short stick). Then only if necessary, I logon and work for another hour before bed- but always try to get to bed by 10:30.

My weekends are completely for family. I don't let work invade it. I may logon Sunday night to get a jumpstart on the week.

After you figure out how to compartmentalize and be as efficient as you can, then decide if your job is still a problem and switch jobs. I just find so many people complain how busy, stressed they are when they only have 1 child. I know it's just because they are inefficient. For instance, I get my groceries, Target, and another errand done from 8:30-10pm one night/week. I know several moms who can stretch this out to an 8 hour outing.

Kudos to you, but I could never spend such little time with my kids.

Such little time with his/her kids??? From dinner until bed time and all weekend? That's pretty normal, sanctimommy.

It sounds exhausting... I don't see 10 minutes of "me time" for exercise, salon, friends, etc.

I call bullshit to many of the high-level executives on this forum pulling in huge salaries that have such important jobs, and they are so uber-efficient and present at work that are sitting here ripping each other's lives apart on an anonymous forum. I think most of you think you're way more important than you are, and you hide in your offices and fart around online just like everyone else, while your nannies raise your kids.

I'm not one of the high-level posters, but I think it's so sad that you can't believe something is possible just because you can't see yourself doing it. If it makes you feel better about yourself, I suppose...

I kind of get PPs point though, being able to eff around on DCUM by definition means you aren't busy doing important work, no? I know I am bored mindless in a position that has to stay open for budget reasons despite having almost no work to do anymore and that's why I have time to fart around on here. If you are 100% nose to the grind as you claim or doing something of such high critical importance you aren't logged on to DCUM, that doesn't makes sense.

FWIW, even though an hour a night is the norm, its really not all the much time with your kids during the week, its just our reality and its better if we just own it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 4 young kids and am in upper management.

I compartmentalize. When I go to work (at 7am)- I am fully engaged. I work at the office. I don't communicate with home during the day. I've tried to work at home a few times and failed miserably. I've become uber efficient. I've cut out most small talk and hypothesizing that can consume hours in a day. I am super productive at work.
And I leave by 6- no ifs ands or buts.

I use my train ride home to decompress and switch my frame of mind. I try to get all the negativity and overhanging issues out of my head.

When I get home- I am completely in family mode. I do dinner, baths, homework, bedtime, and am completely "present" with my kids. Then I try to make some time for my husband (our relationship often gets the short stick). Then only if necessary, I logon and work for another hour before bed- but always try to get to bed by 10:30.

My weekends are completely for family. I don't let work invade it. I may logon Sunday night to get a jumpstart on the week.

After you figure out how to compartmentalize and be as efficient as you can, then decide if your job is still a problem and switch jobs. I just find so many people complain how busy, stressed they are when they only have 1 child. I know it's just because they are inefficient. For instance, I get my groceries, Target, and another errand done from 8:30-10pm one night/week. I know several moms who can stretch this out to an 8 hour outing.

Kudos to you, but I could never spend such little time with my kids.

Such little time with his/her kids??? From dinner until bed time and all weekend? That's pretty normal, sanctimommy.

It sounds exhausting... I don't see 10 minutes of "me time" for exercise, salon, friends, etc.

I call bullshit to many of the high-level executives on this forum pulling in huge salaries that have such important jobs, and they are so uber-efficient and present at work that are sitting here ripping each other's lives apart on an anonymous forum. I think most of you think you're way more important than you are, and you hide in your offices and fart around online just like everyone else, while your nannies raise your kids.

I'm not one of the high-level posters, but I think it's so sad that you can't believe something is possible just because you can't see yourself doing it. If it makes you feel better about yourself, I suppose...

OP, your schedule is very long during the day and I'm wondering if you leave later and come home earlier and then login after your children are in bed then you'd feel less overwhelmed. Sounds like you have a lot of help (nanny, outsourcing), so maybe tweaking your schedule could allow for some breathing room. What a about teleworking one day a week - or two - to alleviate the pressure of commuting (and just getting ready for work).

I have three kids under four and a demanding job that is occasionally high stress. I am clear about my schedule at work. I'm in at 8 and out by 4:30 everyday, logging back into finish up work after the kids are in bed, usually from 9 - 10:30 PM.

I certainly compartmentalize but I also expect that my spouse will help out at home. Spouse gets home around the same time I do and we divide and conquer from 5:30 to 8 PM (kids' bedtime). Spouse makes meals while I do baths (or visa versa), we both are engaged in after dinner playtime,

We don't outsource a ton. We do laundry through out the week, the weekends we vacuum and clean the bathrooms, and do occasional deep cleaning (steaming the floors, cleaning out the fridge), but it's not more than a couple of hours of our time, Our house isn't perfect, but it's tidy and relatively clean.

It's not easy, but we're not drowning. Yes, I'm tired. But that's the name of the game, I think. But give yourself a break as much as you can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 4 young kids and am in upper management.

I compartmentalize. When I go to work (at 7am)- I am fully engaged. I work at the office. I don't communicate with home during the day. I've tried to work at home a few times and failed miserably. I've become uber efficient. I've cut out most small talk and hypothesizing that can consume hours in a day. I am super productive at work.
And I leave by 6- no ifs ands or buts.

I use my train ride home to decompress and switch my frame of mind. I try to get all the negativity and overhanging issues out of my head.

When I get home- I am completely in family mode. I do dinner, baths, homework, bedtime, and am completely "present" with my kids. Then I try to make some time for my husband (our relationship often gets the short stick). Then only if necessary, I logon and work for another hour before bed- but always try to get to bed by 10:30.

My weekends are completely for family. I don't let work invade it. I may logon Sunday night to get a jumpstart on the week.

After you figure out how to compartmentalize and be as efficient as you can, then decide if your job is still a problem and switch jobs. I just find so many people complain how busy, stressed they are when they only have 1 child. I know it's just because they are inefficient. For instance, I get my groceries, Target, and another errand done from 8:30-10pm one night/week. I know several moms who can stretch this out to an 8 hour outing.

Kudos to you, but I could never spend such little time with my kids.

Such little time with his/her kids??? From dinner until bed time and all weekend? That's pretty normal, sanctimommy.

It sounds exhausting... I don't see 10 minutes of "me time" for exercise, salon, friends, etc.

I call bullshit to many of the high-level executives on this forum pulling in huge salaries that have such important jobs, and they are so uber-efficient and present at work that are sitting here ripping each other's lives apart on an anonymous forum. I think most of you think you're way more important than you are, and you hide in your offices and fart around online just like everyone else, while your nannies raise your kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 4 young kids and am in upper management.

I compartmentalize. When I go to work (at 7am)- I am fully engaged. I work at the office. I don't communicate with home during the day. I've tried to work at home a few times and failed miserably. I've become uber efficient. I've cut out most small talk and hypothesizing that can consume hours in a day. I am super productive at work.
And I leave by 6- no ifs ands or buts.

I use my train ride home to decompress and switch my frame of mind. I try to get all the negativity and overhanging issues out of my head.

When I get home- I am completely in family mode. I do dinner, baths, homework, bedtime, and am completely "present" with my kids. Then I try to make some time for my husband (our relationship often gets the short stick). Then only if necessary, I logon and work for another hour before bed- but always try to get to bed by 10:30.

My weekends are completely for family. I don't let work invade it. I may logon Sunday night to get a jumpstart on the week.

After you figure out how to compartmentalize and be as efficient as you can, then decide if your job is still a problem and switch jobs. I just find so many people complain how busy, stressed they are when they only have 1 child. I know it's just because they are inefficient. For instance, I get my groceries, Target, and another errand done from 8:30-10pm one night/week. I know several moms who can stretch this out to an 8 hour outing.

Kudos to you, but I could never spend such little time with my kids.

Such little time with his/her kids??? From dinner until bed time and all weekend? That's pretty normal, sanctimommy.

It sounds exhausting... I don't see 10 minutes of "me time" for exercise, salon, friends, etc.