Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friend is married to a guy whose first wife shut him down completely after their second child was born. She is having her own low libido issues due to an anti-depressant and feels like she can't turn him down except when she has her period. I think turning him down twice, even three times in a row in one week is not unreasonable.

When I was on antidepressants, I made a baseline rule that I would give DH oral once a week and have intercourse with him once a week. It felt like a chore for me and I didn't enjoy it. After all those years of duty sex, if he dies first, I swear I will never have sex with another guy again. If I feel the need, I'll just use a vibrator.

My DW has been on them for the past 15 or so years. For probably the past 10 or so, I can count on mynfingers the number of times she has wanted to have sex and enjoyed it. We went for years of once per month and sometimes once in 3 months - awful. We went in recent years more often - weekly or even or more "accomodating my needs" in alternative ways -- but only b/c I think she realized I was so angry and resentful it made our bickering even worse outside of the bedroom. While part of me appreciates the effort, I often feel just as bad after sex as without it. I have a strong need, and her utter lack of interest is soul stealing -- and very different from the woman I married -- And I believe part of the problem is her own emotional ambivance about me -- if that is part of the cause of the depression it would explain why it never got better. Only a saint of a man can be patient forever - I'm afraid eventually after so much rejection the romantic love is dead except for fantasies of the woman I thought she would be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friend is married to a guy whose first wife shut him down completely after their second child was born. She is having her own low libido issues due to an anti-depressant and feels like she can't turn him down except when she has her period. I think turning him down twice, even three times in a row in one week is not unreasonable.

Two and three times per week of shut down? That's pretty shitty. Seems like you only encourage that so you don't feel like the only bad guy. "See? My friend does it too!!!1"

Actually, I've always had the higher libido in my relationship. My partner is fine with things cooling off a bit. I'm the one who is dismayed that I'm less interested.

I thought that antidepressants had lowered my sex drive. However, I am now divorced (still on all the same medications) and have a much, much higher sex drive. In all fairness to both sexes, having little kids around really will zap your energy and make it hard to feel sexy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have to turn him down. When I started Zoloft four months ago my normally-high libido disappeared in a poof. It was four weeks before we added Wellbutrin and another 3-4 before my libido returned. During all of that time, DH knew my default was going to be "not tonight" so we agreed that I would make the moves until I felt better. We didn't have a lot of sex during that time, but what we had I enjoyed and he never had to feel rejected or turned down. And now my libido is back and he's the one who can't keep up! No, your friend shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for having sex right now or anything...this is a short term situation, if he can't cope with it that says a lot about him.

The "wait until she makes a move" plan is a recipe for a death spiral. Even if she has good intentions, it ignores the fact that - for many women - the guy showing desire for her in the form of a strong initiation is the very thing that gets her in the mood for sex.

But for the low libido wife it is the constant desire for her that she can't stand.

So freaking jealous of women whose men want them constantly.

So freaking jealous of men whose women don't constantly avoid or reject sex.

You and I should meet.

Anonymous wrote:No woman should have to atone for the low sex drive, or any other faults, of her partner's ex.

Yes people in general should be sure to keep intimacy in their relationship, but the 1st marriage has nothing to do with it.

Well, it does to some extent. Because she knew the guy's needs going into the marriage -- knew he was less capable of enduring this sort of rejection than the average guy. That creates some responsibilities above and beyond what you sign up for as the average person getting married. It's not "atoning". It's loving your spouse as you find them. If you're not prepared to do that, then step out of the way and let them find happiness with someone else rather than marrying them.

No woman should have to atone for the low sex drive, or any other faults, of her partner's ex.

Yes people in general should be sure to keep intimacy in their relationship, but the 1st marriage has nothing to do with it.

If he was traumatized by the first wife giving up on intimacy, he is going to be mental about being rejected. Advise your friend to make it happen. Once it's gone, it's a lot harder to get back. She could go to the gym, change her diet, read mommy porn and masturbate. The diet and exercise change may help enough that she can drop the antidepressant.

No one should give up on imtimacy. Do everything possible to improve it.

Anonymous wrote:Friend is married to a guy whose first wife shut him down completely after their second child was born. She is having her own low libido issues due to an anti-depressant and feels like she can't turn him down except when she has her period. I think turning him down twice, even three times in a row in one week is not unreasonable.

When I was on antidepressants, I made a baseline rule that I would give DH oral once a week and have intercourse with him once a week. It felt like a chore for me and I didn't enjoy it. After all those years of duty sex, if he dies first, I swear I will never have sex with another guy again. If I feel the need, I'll just use a vibrator.

dw and I ^^

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If I'm horny at 5pm, I'm going to be horny at 8pm too. Obviously.
.

Obviously? Three hours is plenty of time for my wife to go from horny to not-a-chance. Any damn thing can put her out of the mood.

Fair enough. I know that for myself, once I'm horny I will be until we have sex, which I suppose is a great advantage.

NP here.
Lucky you. And your spouse.

DW are often touchy and affectionate during the day, when our young children are in the way. After the madness of dinner and bedtime, those feelings are usually gone for her. She usually tries to be present for me and to get back in the mood, but it doesn't always happen.