Anonymous wrote:I think the issue gets turned around, so that the public school parents still at the school assume your choice implies that they either 1) care less about the education of their own children or 2) are poorer and lack the ability to achieve more for their kids.

I don't think they care about the kids, I think they care about what your choice implies about their own parenting.

--Mom of public school kids, FWIW.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm frustrated and annoyed when our friends choose private. And, as individuals many of them do have well thought out reasons: they want a school that matches their religious/cultural tradition or they have a child with special needs. However, taken collectively all those choices mean that even in our relatively well off city, the schools are majority low-income kids. And they are nice capable kids, but there isn't a block of wealthy and middle class parents pressuring the schools to do better and pressuring our city to spend more money-instead as a middle class parent (by education if not by wealth) I've encountered the "if you don't like it, get out" mentality from school officials.

I wouldn't stop being your friend-I value having a diverse group of friends, and I wouldn't have any friends if I dropped people every time they do something I don't approve of, but, yeah, I'm disappointed.

This person summed up my feelings as well. I would just add that I often am frustrated because it seems that the person is not making what I consider a truly informed choice. I absolutely accept that there are individual cases where the unique circumstances of the child mean a particular private is the best choice, but in my experience, having had these conversations with a number of people over the years, the decision is not based on real knowledge/experience with the school. People are relying on stuff they heard from someone 5 years ago, when none of the staff, students, or situations that existed are still in place. They look at average test scores, which tell you nothing about what you kid, who might be at or above grade level, will experience. It's not perfect--nothing is--but it's truly not bad now, and I think it can be even better if you come along for the ride with us. I get frustrated because when I give specific examples of the positive experiences we have had, and people just nod and say "yeah, well--we are doing private" it's hard not to feel as though you think I'm lying to you. No one likes to be called a liar.

None of this need necessarily apply to OP--I don't know their situation. It's just my general feeling from doing this for a while.

And that's exactly how I feel about you as a private school parent. You can truly not appreciate how different school can be unless you have experience with both.

My child attended an Alexandria city elementary - a good one - and then we moved to private. The difference is overwhelming. I can explain it to neighbors but most just don't truly get it. And yes, I admit now, I do judge the parents who tell me the public school is good because really it's just awful. It's not just that one school even it's the whole city system and curriculum that's so incredibly bad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm frustrated and annoyed when our friends choose private. And, as individuals many of them do have well thought out reasons: they want a school that matches their religious/cultural tradition or they have a child with special needs. However, taken collectively all those choices mean that even in our relatively well off city, the schools are majority low-income kids. And they are nice capable kids, but there isn't a block of wealthy and middle class parents pressuring the schools to do better and pressuring our city to spend more money-instead as a middle class parent (by education if not by wealth) I've encountered the "if you don't like it, get out" mentality from school officials.

I wouldn't stop being your friend-I value having a diverse group of friends, and I wouldn't have any friends if I dropped people every time they do something I don't approve of, but, yeah, I'm disappointed.

This person summed up my feelings as well. I would just add that I often am frustrated because it seems that the person is not making what I consider a truly informed choice. I absolutely accept that there are individual cases where the unique circumstances of the child mean a particular private is the best choice, but in my experience, having had these conversations with a number of people over the years, the decision is not based on real knowledge/experience with the school. People are relying on stuff they heard from someone 5 years ago, when none of the staff, students, or situations that existed are still in place. They look at average test scores, which tell you nothing about what you kid, who might be at or above grade level, will experience. It's not perfect--nothing is--but it's truly not bad now, and I think it can be even better if you come along for the ride with us. I get frustrated because when I give specific examples of the positive experiences we have had, and people just nod and say "yeah, well--we are doing private" it's hard not to feel as though you think I'm lying to you. No one likes to be called a liar.

None of this need necessarily apply to OP--I don't know their situation. It's just my general feeling from doing this for a while.

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP and I can't believe it but I'm back.

So people read it as an insult to their own parenting if I put my kid in private? Would I offend people if I moved to a neighborhood different than the one they chose or bought a different car? It seems like unless people are unsure of their own decisions they should not be offended. If they really think their school is better they should pity me for throwing away my money on something so ill informed right? I don't hear pity though, I hear hostility.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimately, if you choose a private school, especially after attending the local public one, you ARE making a statement that the public school is not good enough for your child. There are many reason why you might make that decision (wanting a religious influence, wanting smaller classes, wanting a different group of peers, wanting different academic opportunities), but that IS what your move to private is saying.

It's not unexpected that someone who has decided the public school IS good enough for their kids would feel a little insulted by your choice. Good friends would not say that and would want things to work out for you whatever that may be. You are making a value judgment too OP and you said your standards are higher than theirs.... what is good enough for them is not good enough for you. If you want to ditch public, than don't be so surprised that supporters of your local public feel *a little* rejected. You ARE rejecting their school and their standards.

Tough tushies. Everyone does what they think is best for their kids. I don't judge my friends for having their kids in public, private, religious, secular or even homeschooling environments. I want them to do what's best for them. Their choices do not insult me and my choices.

Did those friends' kids actually attend your kids' school and then decide they wanted something "different" that happens to cost $30K more than the public school? That's the difference. I don't judge or begrudge my friends who live in other areas for the cost/benefit analysis they have made. It becomes a bit personal though, if a friend in my kids' school says she wants better for her kid. Not going to hate on someone for making that choice (I might make the same choice if I was richer).... but it IS a statement that my public is not good enough for that person's kid.

I think the same thing happens in the reverse at privates.... there is pressure to stay with the private and people thinking of leaving for public don't dare mention it.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't un-friend you if we had a lot of history and a group of common friends. But I wouldn't friend you if I was meeting you for the first time. I also probably wouldn't work to strengthen our friendship or the friendship of our kids. It wouldn't be as much a judgmental thing as it would be - time wasted. You'll be busy with people and experiences that at the new school. I need to focus as much energy as possible on making our children's experience at their school the best it can be.

Anonymous wrote:This person summed up my feelings as well. I would just add that I often am frustrated because it seems that the person is not making what I consider a truly informed choice. I absolutely accept that there are individual cases where the unique circumstances of the child mean a particular private is the best choice, but in my experience, having had these conversations with a number of people over the years, the decision is not based on real knowledge/experience with the school. People are relying on stuff they heard from someone 5 years ago, when none of the staff, students, or situations that existed are still in place. They look at average test scores, which tell you nothing about what you kid, who might be at or above grade level, will experience. It's not perfect--nothing is--but it's truly not bad now, and I think it can be even better if you come along for the ride with us. I get frustrated because when I give specific examples of the positive experiences we have had, and people just nod and say "yeah, well--we are doing private" it's hard not to feel as though you think I'm lying to you. No one likes to be called a liar.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have found that the best thing to do is simply say "we really like the school", and repeat as necessary when all the questions keep coming.
How could you pay that much?
" we really like the school"
Do you think it's better education than public?
"We really like the school"
Well I heard there is a big drug and behavior problem there
"We really like the school"

I have made the mistake of trying to answer questions to explain and it makes things worse.

This is great advice. I made the same mistake.

Anonymous wrote:I have found that the best thing to do is simply say "we really like the school", and repeat as necessary when all the questions keep coming.
How could you pay that much?
" we really like the school"
Do you think it's better education than public?
"We really like the school"
Well I heard there is a big drug and behavior problem there
"We really like the school"

I have made the mistake of trying to answer questions to explain and it makes things worse.