Anonymous
Post 07/23/2015 15:29     Subject: Re:Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me
OP, your post broke my heart. I cannot even imagine what a broken person your DH must be to say something like that to you.

You deserve to be loved and cherished. If your DH cannot provide that to you, and will not make the effort to improve, I hope that you are able to find happiness on your own.
Anonymous
Post 07/23/2015 13:07     Subject: Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I say this to my husband all the time. No big deal. You're over thinking it.


I also say this to DH all the time. I also say that we probably would not still be married if it weren't for the kids. I actually feel like this quite often when I am mad or having a bad day.

DH knows I love him. Even when we were dating, I would say we should break up occasionally.


I can't imagine ever saying anything like that to my husband. What is he supposed to do, how is he supposed to react or feel when you say such a sh*tty thing to him? Just because he "laughs" it off doesn't mean he thinks it's funny or o.k. Maybe it just makes him work all that harder towards finally being done with your tired azz.



It's like when people tell their spouses how fat or ugly or worthless they are. It's not that they're verbally abusive or a shitty person, it's that they're just *so brave* to be able to tell the truth all the time.


PP here that you are criticizing. DH knows that I think that he is handsome and highly intelligent. He is also an amazing father. I do not think he is a good husband. He has acknowledged that he puts no effort into our marriage because he is stretched thin between work and the kids. It is what it is.

I don't verbally abuse DH. I get fed up, boil for a few days, weeks or months and then explode. DH will only change for a few hours or days after he realizes I am super mad. If I'm just normal upset, he could care less. Yes, we have issues. I know this. He knows this. I have suggested counseling. Then he thinks he is smart enough to be the counselor, acknowledges his flaws, suggests date nights, romantic getaway, buys me something expensive, marriage improves for a short while and then repeat.
Anonymous
Post 07/23/2015 07:54     Subject: Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I say this to my husband all the time. No big deal. You're over thinking it.


I also say this to DH all the time. I also say that we probably would not still be married if it weren't for the kids. I actually feel like this quite often when I am mad or having a bad day.

DH knows I love him. Even when we were dating, I would say we should break up occasionally.


I can't imagine ever saying anything like that to my husband. What is he supposed to do, how is he supposed to react or feel when you say such a sh*tty thing to him? Just because he "laughs" it off doesn't mean he thinks it's funny or o.k. Maybe it just makes him work all that harder towards finally being done with your tired azz.



It's like when people tell their spouses how fat or ugly or worthless they are. It's not that they're verbally abusive or a shitty person, it's that they're just *so brave* to be able to tell the truth all the time.
Anonymous
Post 07/23/2015 07:38     Subject: Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me
Did he tell you this in a fit of rage....Like were you two arguing over something at the time? Not to give him a pass or anything, but in love...Sometimes we say hurtful things to our S/O's...Because we are so hurt inside ourselves.

Or did he just tell you truthfully directly? If so, then I would be extremely hurt and dismayed by this revelation on his part. You both will need to do some serious talking and you need to feel assured that he has no feelings toward this other girlfriend he once had. If you are not convinced that he is over her, your marriage may be in trouble.
Anonymous
Post 07/23/2015 07:15     Subject: Re:Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your kind, honest and thoughtful responses. He looked the OW up on Facebook in front of me. Her profile picture showed her seemingly happy with her husband of many decades. He broke down crying in front of me when he saw her photo. He said "he looks like a nice guy"

It's pretty shitty, you know? He's a workaholic and morbidly obese....and although I know he is faithful, I can't help but wonder if his food and weight issues as well as lack of interest in parenting and family life is really regret over marrying me. We are culturally Catholic (although hes an Atheist these days)...he has a huge, unhealthy guilt complex. I got pregnant on our wedding night. And he's telling me now that he felt he made the wrong choice a week after the wedding.

I have a college degree in teaching\education. I went back to work a few years ago but quit after one year in the classroom because I hated it. Hes so dependent on me for everything that I'm not sure he would function all that well on his own. Hes diabetic with COPD.

So really neither of us are in a position to leave but damn, I feel like I've wasted time. But I am still crazy in love with him.




Did he really have a "choice?" You mention that the OW has been married for "many decades." You all have been married for 2.5 decades...was she already long gone and off the market by the time you all were married? Maybe he never got over losing her. Of course, none of that - NONE of it - justifies this breakdown he's having in front of you. You all are good candidates for couples and individual therapy. He obviously has his issues that he needs to overcome and you both have to work on your marriage.

The fact that you can stay crazy in love with this morbidly obese, emotionally weak, exceptionally dependent person says a lot about your level of commitment. Hang in there. But, ultimately, do what you need to do for YOU.
Anonymous
Post 07/23/2015 07:06     Subject: Re:Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me
OP here. Thank you for your kind, honest and thoughtful responses. He looked the OW up on Facebook in front of me. Her profile picture showed her seemingly happy with her husband of many decades. He broke down crying in front of me when he saw her photo. He said "he looks like a nice guy"

It's pretty shitty, you know? He's a workaholic and morbidly obese....and although I know he is faithful, I can't help but wonder if his food and weight issues as well as lack of interest in parenting and family life is really regret over marrying me. We are culturally Catholic (although hes an Atheist these days)...he has a huge, unhealthy guilt complex. I got pregnant on our wedding night. And he's telling me now that he felt he made the wrong choice a week after the wedding.

I have a college degree in teaching\education. I went back to work a few years ago but quit after one year in the classroom because I hated it. Hes so dependent on me for everything that I'm not sure he would function all that well on his own. Hes diabetic with COPD.

So really neither of us are in a position to leave but damn, I feel like I've wasted time. But I am still crazy in love with him.


Anonymous
Post 07/22/2015 20:21     Subject: Re:Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me
I cannot even fathom the cruelty in telling your long time spouse you made a mistake marrying them. Seriously, that is the worst thing you could say. If DW told me that, I would divorce, and I am one of those people who wouldn't divorce unless there was some serious abuse going on.

I would rather my DW tell me she has been cheating on me.

If my DW really felt that way, she should just divorce me and keep her thoughts to herself.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2015 18:10     Subject: Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I say this to my husband all the time. No big deal. You're over thinking it.


I also say this to DH all the time. I also say that we probably would not still be married if it weren't for the kids. I actually feel like this quite often when I am mad or having a bad day.

DH knows I love him. Even when we were dating, I would say we should break up occasionally.


I can't imagine ever saying anything like that to my husband. What is he supposed to do, how is he supposed to react or feel when you say such a sh*tty thing to him? Just because he "laughs" it off doesn't mean he thinks it's funny or o.k. Maybe it just makes him work all that harder towards finally being done with your tired azz.

Anonymous
Post 07/22/2015 17:36     Subject: Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I say this to my husband all the time. No big deal. You're over thinking it.


I also say this to DH all the time. I also say that we probably would not still be married if it weren't for the kids. I actually feel like this quite often when I am mad or having a bad day.

DH knows I love him. Even when we were dating, I would say we should break up occasionally.


I honestly don't understand why you think this is okay. Do you not realize how hurtful it is?


PP here. Because it is how I feel! Our relationship took a nose dive when our second child was born. DH and I had no relationship for two years and became parenting roommates. I have grown and my expectations are lower now. I accept our marriage for the kids. We both love our kids dearly.

I have been with DH for 15 years. Sometimes I really hate him. Other times I like him like a friend. Once in a while, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Usually it is middle ground. I used to think we were unique with our marital issues but after witnessing other families go through worse, I realize these ups and downs are quite normal and what marriage is all about.

It sounds like you can't handle the truth!


There's no glory in sharing every negative thought you have. And likewise, there's no glory in sitting around listening to it. I'm sure my dh has days where he's fed up with me, and I him. But I couldn't imagine sticking around if he told me he hated me or regretted marrying me or that we should split up. Sharing those thoughts are poisonous to a marriage. Do you think it doesn't hurt your dh when you say that?


DH just got home and gave me a hug and kiss and told me he loved me. Today is a good day. We have very good communication. I am very poised when I am out but I have zero filter with DH.


Well, how lucky for your DH and *you* have determined that today is a "good day" and have decided that you will not tell him that you hate him. Lucky boy!
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2015 17:33     Subject: Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I say this to my husband all the time. No big deal. You're over thinking it.


I also say this to DH all the time. I also say that we probably would not still be married if it weren't for the kids. I actually feel like this quite often when I am mad or having a bad day.

DH knows I love him. Even when we were dating, I would say we should break up occasionally.


I honestly don't understand why you think this is okay. Do you not realize how hurtful it is?


PP here. Because it is how I feel! Our relationship took a nose dive when our second child was born. DH and I had no relationship for two years and became parenting roommates. I have grown and my expectations are lower now. I accept our marriage for the kids. We both love our kids dearly.

I have been with DH for 15 years. Sometimes I really hate him. Other times I like him like a friend. Once in a while, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Usually it is middle ground. I used to think we were unique with our marital issues but after witnessing other families go through worse, I realize these ups and downs are quite normal and what marriage is all about.

It sounds like you can't handle the truth!


There's no glory in sharing every negative thought you have. And likewise, there's no glory in sitting around listening to it. I'm sure my dh has days where he's fed up with me, and I him. But I couldn't imagine sticking around if he told me he hated me or regretted marrying me or that we should split up. Sharing those thoughts are poisonous to a marriage. Do you think it doesn't hurt your dh when you say that?


DH just got home and gave me a hug and kiss and told me he loved me. Today is a good day. We have very good communication. I am very poised when I am out but I have zero filter with DH.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2015 17:21     Subject: Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I say this to my husband all the time. No big deal. You're over thinking it.


I also say this to DH all the time. I also say that we probably would not still be married if it weren't for the kids. I actually feel like this quite often when I am mad or having a bad day.

DH knows I love him. Even when we were dating, I would say we should break up occasionally.


I honestly don't understand why you think this is okay. Do you not realize how hurtful it is?


PP here. Because it is how I feel! Our relationship took a nose dive when our second child was born. DH and I had no relationship for two years and became parenting roommates. I have grown and my expectations are lower now. I accept our marriage for the kids. We both love our kids dearly.

I have been with DH for 15 years. Sometimes I really hate him. Other times I like him like a friend. Once in a while, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Usually it is middle ground. I used to think we were unique with our marital issues but after witnessing other families go through worse, I realize these ups and downs are quite normal and what marriage is all about.

It sounds like you can't handle the truth!


There's no glory in sharing every negative thought you have. And likewise, there's no glory in sitting around listening to it. I'm sure my dh has days where he's fed up with me, and I him. But I couldn't imagine sticking around if he told me he hated me or regretted marrying me or that we should split up. Sharing those thoughts are poisonous to a marriage. Do you think it doesn't hurt your dh when you say that?
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2015 17:18     Subject: Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me
Anonymous wrote:There is no such thing as the one who got away. That person is not there for a reason. And always looks better than the partner you are disagreeing with about finances and how to raise kids.


+1. When I hear people use that to describe someone in their past, I know they are looking through rose-colored glasses.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2015 17:12     Subject: Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I say this to my husband all the time. No big deal. You're over thinking it.


I also say this to DH all the time. I also say that we probably would not still be married if it weren't for the kids. I actually feel like this quite often when I am mad or having a bad day.

DH knows I love him. Even when we were dating, I would say we should break up occasionally.


I honestly don't understand why you think this is okay. Do you not realize how hurtful it is?


PP here. Because it is how I feel! Our relationship took a nose dive when our second child was born. DH and I had no relationship for two years and became parenting roommates. I have grown and my expectations are lower now. I accept our marriage for the kids. We both love our kids dearly.

I have been with DH for 15 years. Sometimes I really hate him. Other times I like him like a friend. Once in a while, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Usually it is middle ground. I used to think we were unique with our marital issues but after witnessing other families go through worse, I realize these ups and downs are quite normal and what marriage is all about.

It sounds like you can't handle the truth!


NP. I accept that this is the "truth" of your marriage, but I can not imagine being in a marriage where I routinely say these kinds of things to my spouse. I know the comments of anonymous posters is not going to change your mind, but you do need to know that there are many of us out here that consider the kind of words you are hurling at your spouse to be verbal abuse.


np here. amen to that! Jerk PP is a great example of what Insightful PP said about this being externalizing behavior, where someone who is unhappy with themselves projects it into the imagined failings of the ones close to them. Do marriages have ups and downs, of course, but to express it like this is just harsh. Esp when I bet PP doesn't likewise express the positives.


Or I sometimes feel like I made a mistake by marrying my husband. DH is handsome and very successful. With his money and good looks, he would do great in the dating market. DH chased me when I was in my 20's. He wined and dined me and got me to marry him. We were the golden couple. Everyone used to say what a perfect couple we were. I am not really sure if I really ever loved DH. Yes, DH was hot. Yes, DH was smart. Yes, we had crazy good sex. I fell for his effort and charisma but I am not sure if I ever actually loved him. That became abundantly obvious when he stopped trying. DH always says that he has always loved me more and still does. That will probably always be true.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2015 17:06     Subject: Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I say this to my husband all the time. No big deal. You're over thinking it.


I also say this to DH all the time. I also say that we probably would not still be married if it weren't for the kids. I actually feel like this quite often when I am mad or having a bad day.

DH knows I love him. Even when we were dating, I would say we should break up occasionally.


I honestly don't understand why you think this is okay. Do you not realize how hurtful it is?


PP here. Because it is how I feel! Our relationship took a nose dive when our second child was born. DH and I had no relationship for two years and became parenting roommates. I have grown and my expectations are lower now. I accept our marriage for the kids. We both love our kids dearly.

I have been with DH for 15 years. Sometimes I really hate him. Other times I like him like a friend. Once in a while, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Usually it is middle ground. I used to think we were unique with our marital issues but after witnessing other families go through worse, I realize these ups and downs are quite normal and what marriage is all about.

It sounds like you can't handle the truth!


NP. I accept that this is the "truth" of your marriage, but I can not imagine being in a marriage where I routinely say these kinds of things to my spouse. I know the comments of anonymous posters is not going to change your mind, but you do need to know that there are many of us out here that consider the kind of words you are hurling at your spouse to be verbal abuse.


np here. amen to that! Jerk PP is a great example of what Insightful PP said about this being externalizing behavior, where someone who is unhappy with themselves projects it into the imagined failings of the ones close to them. Do marriages have ups and downs, of course, but to express it like this is just harsh. Esp when I bet PP doesn't likewise express the positives.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2015 16:58     Subject: Husband of 25 years tells me he thinks he made a mistake by marrying me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I say this to my husband all the time. No big deal. You're over thinking it.


I also say this to DH all the time. I also say that we probably would not still be married if it weren't for the kids. I actually feel like this quite often when I am mad or having a bad day.

DH knows I love him. Even when we were dating, I would say we should break up occasionally.


I honestly don't understand why you think this is okay. Do you not realize how hurtful it is?


PP here. Because it is how I feel! Our relationship took a nose dive when our second child was born. DH and I had no relationship for two years and became parenting roommates. I have grown and my expectations are lower now. I accept our marriage for the kids. We both love our kids dearly.

I have been with DH for 15 years. Sometimes I really hate him. Other times I like him like a friend. Once in a while, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Usually it is middle ground. I used to think we were unique with our marital issues but after witnessing other families go through worse, I realize these ups and downs are quite normal and what marriage is all about.

It sounds like you can't handle the truth!


NP. I accept that this is the "truth" of your marriage, but I can not imagine being in a marriage where I routinely say these kinds of things to my spouse. I know the comments of anonymous posters is not going to change your mind, but you do need to know that there are many of us out here that consider the kind of words you are hurling at your spouse to be verbal abuse.