Anonymous wrote:Thanks, all- some of these posts have made me laugh and lifted my mood. To clarify, it won't be an adults only dinner- my older kid (11) will go, too. My little ones are pretty good in restaurants, but they are 3, so there's a limit to how much we can expect! I'm going to look into a babysitter, but at this point leaning towards just staying home with them. We head home early the next morning, so leaving them with a sitter might add complications I'm not up for dealing with. My FIL is a really good guy, I think he's just a little burnt out on the kids (he's been helping a ton with them lately).

I understand why you would be hurt. I also understand why your in-laws feel the way they do. Frankly, my 3 yo twins are great a restaurants and we do take them out, but part of them being great is that my wife and I keep very, very busy watching them, interacting with them, and keeping them out of trouble. I know that my parents and my MIL love the dickens out of them, but they don't have the stamina for all-out 2 weeks 7x24 double trouble 3 year olds. Plus, since we all live pretty far away (my parents live in Florida and my MIL lives in the Pacific NW), they don't get to see us, their children, as often as they like. When we visit with our in-laws, we both try very hard, to make time in the visit for the parents to get some one-on-one time with us. So, when visiting my MIL, I'll take the kids out to lunch and the park or playground for several hours, letting my MIL and wife go out for a nice quiet, lunch somewhere that isn't child-friendly. My wife will do something similar when we visit my parents.

I would suggest that to make things feel better, maybe the day before, suggest that you all go out for brunch (all kids included) at a family-friendly venue to celebrate Grandpa's birthday and have a cake and sing and blow out candles. Talk to your husband and ask him to take the lead on supervising the kids giving you more of a chance to chat with your in-laws in adult conversation and to share in his birthday celebration. Then the last night, be gracious and allow them to go out for a fancy dinner while you stay home. You can either take the kids out to eat or your or your husband can go out and pick up some nice dinner for you and the kids to eat at home, play a little and get the kids to bed early enough that they will not be too tired for the travel back home day.

Good luck.

8:34 pretty much nailed it.

I do think all the "family first" people must have younger parents/ILs. My parents were great when we were growing up, but over the years they have lost their tolerance for normal kid behavior.

A two-week visit would be a nonstarter with them. In OP's place, I'd have been most bummed that this came up now. If we'd know in advance that my FIL was going to burn out, I'd have suggested that I leave a day earlier with the littles so DH and the older kid could have a full day of bonding -- play golf, go to a movie, have a steak. But we're driving distance from our parents, so it wouldn't be a big deal to depart separately.

I think that's a pretty shitty thing of your FIL to do. I would go along with it. And when you are home, distressed, you and DH are doing OK, I'd talk to my DH about expectations for the future. Nicely.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is rude. Most children today aren't taught manners and, OP, yours must be hellions for your FIL to specifically request that they not attend his birthday dinner. You need to learn from this and start teaching your children good manners and how to behave in public places.

Also, why can't you hire a babysitter?

Step off. You are a horrible person with zero manners, and worse, zero empathy.

This wouldn't bother me at all. At some point I realized that MIL and FIL might enjoy some time alone with their son. I'm fond of them, but I'm not their daughter, after all. I enjoy my time alone with my husband and children, so suddenly realize that they might feel the same way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have volunteered to stay at home so I did not have to go. My husband would be the one saying absolutely not everyone is attending the dinner.

Same here.

OP, be honest with yourself. Have your kids made scenes before in public that your FIL has witnessed or heard about? If so, there's nothing wrong with him wanting a nice dinner if your kids aren't able to behave.

Well, considering we all just came back from dinner out and the kids were well behaved, I really don't think this is the issue. It's that he wants to go somewhere that's not great for young kids. What's up with people assuming my kids are hellions?

OP, people here are also assuming that FIL is an "asshole" and that your husband doesn't have your back and...all kinds of crap. It's no surprise that someone's going to come on and rip your kids as well as your in-laws. Wait for them to rip you next, though all you did was vent some very understandable hurt feelings and you did it in a nice way. But that's DCUM. This forum in particular draws a lot of knee-jerk nitwits who exist just to slam any in-law, theirs or anyone else's.

You have said several times, in several different ways in your post and other follow-ups here, that your in-laws are nice and they help with the kids etc. I'd focus on that, and forget everything else. You also noted that you have to leave the next day and the kids may not do well when you're traveling if they're left with a babysitter that last night. While it's not exactly tactful for FIL to have asked what he did, please let the fact that your in-laws are helpful and are good to you trump the idea that FIL might have been less than perfectly polite. He likely wants some adult time with his son without the younger kids around, drawing some of son's focus. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to go to a restaurant that's not suitable for kids -- once in two weeks.

The idea that the kids were well behaved during one meal out I(in a more child-appropriate restaurant?) does not mean they'll be the same at the restaurant he has in mind. You know how kids this age can be perfect one day and restless and yakky and demanding the next day, even in identical circumstances. It doesn't make them hellions and it doesn't reflect badly on your parenting. It just means they're three.

And you're at the in-laws' place. It's easy for people on here to say "just find a babysitter" but do your in-laws even know know any babysitters in their area or have friends who have kids of an age that they'd want to babysit? Babysitters might have been off their radar for many years now. If they find some babysitter who's a stranger to both them and you, would you really enjoy the dinner if you spent the evening wondering if your kids were doing OK with a stranger, if they were going to be over-wound the next day during travel, etc.?

Big picture: You and your in-laws get along fine. Don't let one little thing upset that. It's not part of any pattern or a slap at you or even a slap at your kids, since you seem fine with the in-laws otherwise. By the time this dinner comes along you and your young kids will have been there for two weeks. That's a lot for some grandparents to take -- even if kids are well behaved. Giving FIL some adult time with your husband and older child can be your gift to him, if you can give it without resentment. I would be too frazzled by the hunt for a sitter etc. to enjoy the meal anyway.

Sorry, OP. Kids can change the dynamic even if well-behaved. Maybe he wants a leisurely meal, adult conversation, hang around for some drinks afterwards.

Any possible way to get food catered to the home?


I'd do exactly what you did, agree to accommodate others but feel sad.

I'm sorry, but he doesn't seem "lovely" to me. Whatever though. I'd do as another PP suggested and give them the gift of father/son time. Have fun with the kiddoes, maybe make a cake for FIL when they're out to dinner.

I would definitely take the kids out for a meal or other fun activity that both you and they would get some enjoyment out of. I'd feel bad about the situation too, but would also understand the reasoning. Try for a sitter or else go out with the kids to a place they would enjoy at this stage in their little lives.

Anonymous wrote:Use Care.com - You still have time to interview a few people before the big day! Love the Cake together at the end of the night idea so the kids are included.

The kids will likely be in bed by the time everyone gets back. Or at least my kids went to bed pretty early when they were that age. Maybe do presents before they go to dinner and have birthday cupcakes that everyone can enjoy on their own schedule.

Anonymous wrote:Hugs op. Sorry about your parents. You have been very kind to your fil. What a sweet person you are.

+1

Use Care.com - You still have time to interview a few people before the big day! Love the Cake together at the end of the night idea so the kids are included.

Stay home, order in, get the kids to bed on their regular schedule.

I would be insulted too, but wouldn't be in the mood to hire a sitter and spend time with FIL after that.

Thanks, PP- that's pretty much the plan! I'm just going to make the best of it.