Anonymous wrote:Are any of you marrieds "out" as poly? Do your kids know? Or do people think your BF/GF is just a friend?

We are out-ish. We are completely out in our circle of friends, and to 2 sets of parents (Husband's and Boyfriend's). Telling my parents will likely mean the end of our relationship, and I haven't been able to pull the trigger just yet. Our one child is still a baby, but we don't want her to have to keep our "secret". I will probably come out to my parents in the next year or two. I have never been comfortable with the idea of pretending my boyfriend is just a friend. I feel like it'd be completely disrespectful to our relationship, and his status as a member of our family.

Are any of you marrieds "out" as poly? Do your kids know? Or do people think your BF/GF is just a friend?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for the long-time marrieds who are poly. Do your relationships with other people tend to be long-term, flings, or somewhere in between? Is swinging considered to be part of the poly umbrella?

Any good books or other resources you'd recommend for folks considering exploring a poly lifestyle?

This is a huge debate in the poly community and for some "swing" is a slur.

For us, we have had 2 long term female relationships (FMF). Neither of us can hook up with randoms. We both need a connection. We go out on dates together (and separate), we hang out on the sofa together and watch movies. it is almost more like a polygamist marriage without living together and where the women have sex with each other as well.

We have all attended swing clubs together, but this is just because this is the ONLY place we can be open with our relationship without fear of seeing someone we know or causing a riot.

Sorry I have no books, but I have heard that The Ethical Slut is a good one. Haven't read it myself. Everyone defines it differently. The thing about open marriages, is YOU and your PARTNER have to define what you will tolerate yourselves. Whatever stupid umbrella is falls under is fine, but whatever you do you have to lay out the rules as clear as day. Go into it slowly and if one person does not feel right, you both must stop immediately, no questions asked and you have to refrain from showing disappointment. I had to put the squash on one woman, and my DH was disappointed, but he knows the rules. We move forward together. NOBODY gets dragged along unless they are 100% on board. IT makes it very hard to find a partner when you are deciding for two.

We are a bit unique in that we are a triad. Many poly people pair off...DH finds a GF and DW finds a BF, we share a GF.

This sounds like my ideal in many ways. It's great to hear that it can actually be done!

Thanks so much for all the recommendations of various reading materials, and for sharing your own experiences! I have a lot of reading, and thinking, and talking with DH to do.

Anonymous wrote:Question for the long-time marrieds who are poly. Do your relationships with other people tend to be long-term, flings, or somewhere in between? Is swinging considered to be part of the poly umbrella?

Any good books or other resources you'd recommend for folks considering exploring a poly lifestyle?

This is a huge debate in the poly community and for some "swing" is a slur.

For us, we have had 2 long term female relationships (FMF). Neither of us can hook up with randoms. We both need a connection. We go out on dates together (and separate), we hang out on the sofa together and watch movies. it is almost more like a polygamist marriage without living together and where the women have sex with each other as well.

We have all attended swing clubs together, but this is just because this is the ONLY place we can be open with our relationship without fear of seeing someone we know or causing a riot.

Sorry I have no books, but I have heard that The Ethical Slut is a good one. Haven't read it myself. Everyone defines it differently. The thing about open marriages, is YOU and your PARTNER have to define what you will tolerate yourselves. Whatever stupid umbrella is falls under is fine, but whatever you do you have to lay out the rules as clear as day. Go into it slowly and if one person does not feel right, you both must stop immediately, no questions asked and you have to refrain from showing disappointment. I had to put the squash on one woman, and my DH was disappointed, but he knows the rules. We move forward together. NOBODY gets dragged along unless they are 100% on board. IT makes it very hard to find a partner when you are deciding for two.

We are a bit unique in that we are a triad. Many poly people pair off...DH finds a GF and DW finds a BF, we share a GF.

Anonymous wrote:Question for the long-time marrieds who are poly. Do your relationships with other people tend to be long-term, flings, or somewhere in between? Is swinging considered to be part of the poly umbrella?

Any good books or other resources you'd recommend for folks considering exploring a poly lifestyle?

I consider swinging to be under the same non-monogamy umbrella as polyamory, but different in that its goals tend not to focus on emotional relationships, though they can of course develop. My relationships tend to be long term. I have a husband of 7 years and long term boyfriend of 5. My husband tends to have shorter term relationships, and my boyfriend is more like me. As far as books I would reccomend "More Than Two," and "Opening Up". I've also found the polyamory subreddit to be a decent resource.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for the long-time marrieds who are poly. Do your relationships with other people tend to be long-term, flings, or somewhere in between? Is swinging considered to be part of the poly umbrella?

Any good books or other resources you'd recommend for folks considering exploring a poly lifestyle?

Swinging is a totally different thing because the relationships are purely sexual and tend to be very short term if not ONSs. Also, couples tend to "play" together in the same room. Poly relationships involve an emotional component. My relationships are mostly long term but they do not always work out that way. Everyone recommends The Ethical Slut but I thought it was boring. Sex at Dawn is a big one but that is more about the science and sociology of it. I am sure there are other books but those are the ones I have read.

Just wanted to add that you will see "poly people" acting like swingers and vice versa . The terms are used loosely lately and "open marriage" is another one which is somewhere in between.

Anonymous wrote:Question for the long-time marrieds who are poly. Do your relationships with other people tend to be long-term, flings, or somewhere in between? Is swinging considered to be part of the poly umbrella?

Any good books or other resources you'd recommend for folks considering exploring a poly lifestyle?

Swinging is a totally different thing because the relationships are purely sexual and tend to be very short term if not ONSs. Also, couples tend to "play" together in the same room. Poly relationships involve an emotional component. My relationships are mostly long term but they do not always work out that way. Everyone recommends The Ethical Slut but I thought it was boring. Sex at Dawn is a big one but that is more about the science and sociology of it. I am sure there are other books but those are the ones I have read.

Question for the long-time marrieds who are poly. Do your relationships with other people tend to be long-term, flings, or somewhere in between? Is swinging considered to be part of the poly umbrella?

Any good books or other resources you'd recommend for folks considering exploring a poly lifestyle?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, before you start dating other people, you need to give your spouse the opportunity to veto or divorce.

+1

If it's not in the open and agreed upon, you're not poly, you're just cheating.

That is no the discussion here. The OP did not ask about cheating. She asked about poly which is in the open.

OP here. Just in case it's unclear, I would never cheat. Would only pursue a relationship with someone else if my DH was 100% on board.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, before you start dating other people, you need to give your spouse the opportunity to veto or divorce.

+1

If it's not in the open and agreed upon, you're not poly, you're just cheating.

That is no the discussion here. The OP did not ask about cheating. She asked about poly which is in the open.

Anonymous wrote:Polyamory is disgusting and so are the people who participate in this craziness.

I bet most of you are borderline personalities.

I'm not poly, but I think they sound the most sane. It is people like you who are nuts. The poly people seem pretty laid back. You not so much? Your ugliness oozes out through the computer. Impressive in a way.

And no way in HELL would someone with BPD be able to juggle a poly relationship. Do you know what BPD people are even like to be around??

Anonymous wrote:OP, before you start dating other people, you need to give your spouse the opportunity to veto or divorce.

+1

If it's not in the open and agreed upon, you're not poly, you're just cheating.

Anonymous wrote:Polyamory is disgusting and so are the people who participate in this craziness.

I bet most of you are borderline personalities.

Someone is green with envy because poly people get to have their cake and eat it too

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are poly. It works for us, and has for nearly 10 years. No we are not on the cusp on divorce, and we still have a wonderful physical relationship with each other. I'm always surprised, although I know I shouldn't be, at some of the intensely negative reactions to this subject. Why does it offend people so much? How does it affect you, and who do you think is being hurt here?

For some reason is scares them to the core that other people can be happy and healthy doing something different. Possibly doing something even more natural than monogamy. Maybe their spouse has cheated on them and they know deep down that their spouse is unhappy in the traditional arrangement and that hurts. Considering that half of all relationships have one or both partners sneaking around, this is not so far from the truth.

Maybe their world is narrow and lack the ability to see that most people live in the grey and very few in the black and white.