Anonymous
Post 06/18/2015 16:31     Subject: Demanding Mother!!
Wow, OP sure your Mom and my Mom weren't separated at birth? I am going through many of the same struggles, except my parents are nearing the end of their live and the behavior is becoming even more intensified, if you can imagine that. Best wishes to you. This advice has been great.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2015 19:34     Subject: Demanding Mother!!


OP,

Learn some self-respect and do not respond to texts which clearly are sent to get a rise out of you! Or emails, or phone messages, or in-person conversations etc. If it's extraordinarily aggressive, you ignore. Don't answer at all, because she's extremely rude and you are being the responsible adult in refusing to escalate by pointing out to her that she's rude.

If the subject is brought up again afterwards, say calmly that you don't respond well to selfish demands when your priority is to your nuclear family. Just come out and say that. Then all will be clear. She will accuse you of not being a good daughter, and you will smile and change the subject. Because it's 100% true, and it's ALL her fault.


Anonymous
Post 06/15/2015 19:06     Subject: Demanding Mother!!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Be stupid and cheerful. Just because she sends you a ticket for a guilt trip doesn't mean you have to go along for the ride.

Her: "I can't believe you're not coming for Father's Day!"

You: "I know, right? Bummer the move is that week. We'll see you in July!"

Her: "Not coming says it all"

You:"Yep, says we've got alot of packing to do! See you in July!"

Don't take the guilt trip!


Exactly. The the goal is that you're never going to change your mother but at least you can preserve some of your own sanity.
This won't work. NP here but have the same mother as OP - exactly the same issues, including the constant complaining about other family members, siblings' inlaws, etc. This type of person will NOT go for the "stupid and cheerful" responses. I get in big trouble when i try this technique. The explaining/defending/justifying routine does not work either. NOTHING works. This is another person's disorder, you cannot change another person. Unfortunately when you can no longer put up with it, the relationship is likely to die. I am not at that point yet with my mom but the relationship has been "ill" for quite some time.
I realize my post is not particularly helpful, but i really just wanted to express empathy and sympathy. OP you are not alone and i am sorry i know it completely sucks to have this kind of mother. I hope and pray i don't turn into this myself someday.


You are right. It won't work if your goal is to change your mom's behavior. It will work if you want to change your own behavior.