Op here on day 6 - haven't gotten out of bed yet... Day 5 ok bc I insisted we head to the city and the in laws changed their absurd plans (fil was working in am and then at 3 and wanted to see us in the narrow window between 11-2).

Mil is a very angry, negative person. I realized I avoid her a lot. I don't even look right at her bc she is always frowning - and often frowning at me. It's very disconcerting. I've been avoiding looking at her for years... She's negative about everything and everyone, but seems to have a focus on me...

Tiny example - we were on the high back back from the city (mil says it takes her only 15-20 minutes to get home, but it's never taken less than 60-90 minutes, in my limited experience), so we're instantly snarled in horrific 4-lane wide traffic with the overhead sign blinking that it will be 40 minutes to the next exit. I said something like "wow. This traffic is awful today"

Mil snaps with "your Georgetown street has such bad traffic, I've been stuck there so many times. And that Pennsylvania Avenue. It's awful. DC is awful. It has such bad traffic."

Um, what?

It's amazing how much better things can be when you stop granting people the ability to get to you! (I had to do that with my own parents)

* sorry for bag grammar and spelling - all from my iPhone while lying in bed...

Anonymous wrote:How was today, OP?

Thanks for asking!
Day 4 was improved. SIL returned to her home city and both parental in laws worked all day.
A friend of mine happened to be visiting (from abroad) to the next town over and we met up - dh liked the husband, my kids liked the kids, all was good.

I was much more detached today, and not take anything personally - it's taken me 11 years to learn this trick - and I have dcum support to thank for it... I just observed them and then gently asked my DH about the dynamics... He actually opened up (SHOCKING) and discussed negative aspects of his family - ESP his mom and sister. Wow. He then said he enjoyed my analysis of them - I just asked questions instead of being judge-y : I asked why he thinks his mom never smiles, and if she's upset about something instead of my usual snarky comments...

Although I did get annoyed when I realized they are also working tomorrow - this sharply curtailing our plans to go to the nearest big city. Super annoying. Either carry on with your jobs and let us do our own thing or take off and come along, but don't take off half the day in the middle and then run the worlds longest guilt trip when our plans don't fit into your 3.5 hour window!

How was today, OP?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why are your kids constantly hungry? Do they not eat a proper breakfast? Are they obese or something and that's why your in laws don't want them to snack between meals? Why does your kid keep soiling himself?

I am sympathetc but suspect you aren't telling us everything.

Op here - they are hungry at the "wrong" times because we're in a different time zone than DC. They're super skinny, actually, and I'm not a big fan of snacking, but thanks to my dcum sisters, I have altered my ways for this trip and have got myself snacked up. My poor little 4 year old has a virus or it's something he ate - sorry to bring it up without the background! He seems to have gotten sick here (I personally think it's my MILa cooking), but nonetheless, he has diarrhea and I think being in a house where he's not totally familiar with the bathrooms, he's had a few (four to be exact) accidents on his way to the bathroom. Serenity now.

DH has a man cold. He also reverts to weird behavior around his family.

I have been more observant this trip and there is a lot of dysfunction- tons of passive-aggressive arguing, lots of tension all the time, negativity... No one smiles - MIL has a terrible frown all the time. It's hard to make her smile ever. My SIL is also here - and staying an extra day - and is verrry difficult - very unhappy and always picking fights. For instance - this gem:
Sil - to me - you sneeze way too much (bitchy tone of voice)
Me - maybe it's dust?
Sil - I don't think it's dust, my mother has the house expertly cleaned every week.
Me - ok.

Anyways, day 3 has been a bit better - our nuclear family got away for a kid outing. Totally nice to do that.

She's 34.

I'd pretend to be an anthropologist on this trip. Observe the family behaviors neutrally as if you were going to write a paper on their strange habits and customs later!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why are your kids constantly hungry? Do they not eat a proper breakfast? Are they obese or something and that's why your in laws don't want them to snack between meals? Why does your kid keep soiling himself?

I am sympathetc but suspect you aren't telling us everything.

Op here - they are hungry at the "wrong" times because we're in a different time zone than DC. They're super skinny, actually, and I'm not a big fan of snacking, but thanks to my dcum sisters, I have altered my ways for this trip and have got myself snacked up. My poor little 4 year old has a virus or it's something he ate - sorry to bring it up without the background! He seems to have gotten sick here (I personally think it's my MILa cooking), but nonetheless, he has diarrhea and I think being in a house where he's not totally familiar with the bathrooms, he's had a few (four to be exact) accidents on his way to the bathroom. Serenity now.

DH has a man cold. He also reverts to weird behavior around his family.

I have been more observant this trip and there is a lot of dysfunction- tons of passive-aggressive arguing, lots of tension all the time, negativity... No one smiles - MIL has a terrible frown all the time. It's hard to make her smile ever. My SIL is also here - and staying an extra day - and is verrry difficult - very unhappy and always picking fights. For instance - this gem:
Sil - to me - you sneeze way too much (bitchy tone of voice)
Me - maybe it's dust?
Sil - I don't think it's dust, my mother has the house expertly cleaned every week.
Me - ok.

Anyways, day 3 has been a bit better - our nuclear family got away for a kid outing. Totally nice to do that.

She's 34.

So the next time SIL tries that conversation again, try this:
SIL : You sneeze way too much.
You: Hmmm, okay.
Then walk out of the room.

Seriously, stop engaging.

Anonymous wrote:OP why are your kids constantly hungry? Do they not eat a proper breakfast? Are they obese or something and that's why your in laws don't want them to snack between meals? Why does your kid keep soiling himself?

I am sympathetc but suspect you aren't telling us everything.

Op here - they are hungry at the "wrong" times because we're in a different time zone than DC. They're super skinny, actually, and I'm not a big fan of snacking, but thanks to my dcum sisters, I have altered my ways for this trip and have got myself snacked up. My poor little 4 year old has a virus or it's something he ate - sorry to bring it up without the background! He seems to have gotten sick here (I personally think it's my MILa cooking), but nonetheless, he has diarrhea and I think being in a house where he's not totally familiar with the bathrooms, he's had a few (four to be exact) accidents on his way to the bathroom. Serenity now.

DH has a man cold. He also reverts to weird behavior around his family.

I have been more observant this trip and there is a lot of dysfunction- tons of passive-aggressive arguing, lots of tension all the time, negativity... No one smiles - MIL has a terrible frown all the time. It's hard to make her smile ever. My SIL is also here - and staying an extra day - and is verrry difficult - very unhappy and always picking fights. For instance - this gem:
Sil - to me - you sneeze way too much (bitchy tone of voice)
Me - maybe it's dust?
Sil - I don't think it's dust, my mother has the house expertly cleaned every week.
Me - ok.

Anyways, day 3 has been a bit better - our nuclear family got away for a kid outing. Totally nice to do that.

She's 34.

OP why are your kids constantly hungry? Do they not eat a proper breakfast? Are they obese or something and that's why your in laws don't want them to snack between meals? Why does your kid keep soiling himself?

I am sympathetc but suspect you aren't telling us everything.

All this could be avoided if you stayed in a hotel.

I was wondering where your husband is when the kids are hungry. You're the one packing the snacks, feeding them, getting into discussions around feeding times with inlaws. Where is DH during these moments?

ope I'm concerned about how your husband wants to make you into the scapegoat with his parents it seems like he has a hard time placating these negative people who will never be happy and so he uses you as the bad guy going in to yell at you in the shower for having the gall to ask what time is dinner it seems just ridiculous. I know you said you tried therapy and he thought it was a waste of time but I am very concerned on your behalf about the way he treats you around his family.

also this your in laws have any desire to interact with your kids it sounds like the whole point of them visiting is because they want to spend time with the kids but don't actually want to interact with them

Anonymous wrote:Op again - also, 4 yr old had diarrhea in his underwear. Again. This is really not a vacation.

That's too much information.

Anonymous wrote:I'd scour the internet to find activities to do to get out of the house: movie theaters, hiking, some historical place,a bookstore, an ice skating rink...something that will get you out of the house. It doesn't have to be exciting. But make it something to go to with the kids.

Talk with your husband NOW about expectations around talking to the kids about their behavior. "Last time I was really frustrated when both you and your mother were criticizing the kids' behavior that was typical and appropriate. If you feel that there's a problem, talk with me privately and we'll come up with a plan. But you're not going to yell at them in front of everyone because your mom is stressed out.

Does he really talk with her every.single.day???
Don't forget to pack some wine.

What man talks to his mother every day?

OP being polite and calm is great but also remember you have the right to be direct! Draw some lines, woman! When they start criticizing you say "please do not criticize my parenting. It is inappropriate." Repeat, repeat, repeat. Selfish, critical people respond to strength. They do not respond to the normal social rules you live by.

Remember you have the right to do what you think is right.

For the future I suggest you read "The Dance of Anger." The main point of the book is that by getting drawn in to the fight you are empowering th dynamic. Instead, you need to step out of it and decide for yourself what you will do, and not try to change the other person. It is not about winning the fight, but rather doing what you want to do.

So for instance, MIL proposes a plan that means skipping lunch until 3. You calmly inform her of your modification to get lunch on time, and follow through. No further discussion. If she actually engages with you to reach a compromise great! If not, you just calmly stick to your plan.

Example:
MIL - "let's go to the mall." (It is 11am.)
You - "sure. We will grab lunch there at 12."
MIL - "but mall food is unhealthy/let's have lunch here when we get back at 3/etc."
You - "we will get lunch at the mall at around noon." (No explaining or justifying!)
MIL - "why can't your kids learn to wait/just give them a snack/you need to feed them a better diet/etc" (she is escalating, trying to get what she wants)
You - "we will get lunch at noon." (Do not engage!)
MIL - "but blah blah criticism"
You - "see you in 20 minutes to go to the mall. We will have lunch at noon there." (Walk away)