Anonymous wrote:If my mom did this to me, she would not be invited to my wedding. Period.

I would be happy to pay for it and find a way to put on a brave face, but momma would have to content herself with looking at photos on facebook. No way I would allow someone at my wedding who had promised to help out and then gone back on their word, I dont care who you are.

WOW!
She is not refusing to help, she does not have it!!
Grow up!
I would be disappointed, but damnnnmn, you want her to raid her retirement?
What a piece work !

Kudos to your BIL and niece's fiance for both being pragmatic in both accepting and dealing with the problem before it became enough to financially ruin this family.

OP--also kudos to you for learning to listen and offer commiseration but no advice. Frankly, your niece is obviously too immature to be getting married. It isn't her fault, apparently her mother has raised her to be immature, entitled and have little respect for boundaries.

If while listening and commiserating with your sister, you feel that you must have some answer, gently encourage your sister to stop and reconsider her financial situation and to actually plan what can be afforded over the next few years. Retirement needs to be the first of these to be funded, because her daughter has clearly shown that she is selfish and cannot be trusted to help her parents out when they get older and retire. So, the family needs to plan for the parents retirement so that they will not need any financial assistance from this daughter. She might want to review basic family finances with her daughter so that her daughter understands what the financial constraints are, e.g. they have X income, they have Y payments to make to pay off previously accumulated debt and Z payments to make for saving for retirement and college. Then if she wants to discuss what they can actually afford, she can discuss how much money that they have to contribute towards the wedding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my mom did this to me, she would not be invited to my wedding. Period.

I would be happy to pay for it and find a way to put on a brave face, but momma would have to content herself with looking at photos on facebook. No way I would allow someone at my wedding who had promised to help out and then gone back on their word, I dont care who you are.

If you tried that stunt on me, I would hope that you and your fiance could afford to send you to college, because you and your entitled self would have both the wedding and the college career that you could afford on your own.

Sounds like the daughter is already finished with college, so...

Anonymous wrote:If my mom did this to me, she would not be invited to my wedding. Period.

I would be happy to pay for it and find a way to put on a brave face, but momma would have to content herself with looking at photos on facebook. No way I would allow someone at my wedding who had promised to help out and then gone back on their word, I dont care who you are.

If you tried that stunt on me, I would hope that you and your fiance could afford to send you to college, because you and your entitled self would have both the wedding and the college career that you could afford on your own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my mom did this to me, she would not be invited to my wedding. Period.

I would be happy to pay for it and find a way to put on a brave face, but momma would have to content herself with looking at photos on facebook. No way I would allow someone at my wedding who had promised to help out and then gone back on their word, I dont care who you are.

Wow, you are a frightfully immature and vindictive bitch. Anyone can see that clearly the mom, however flawed, had good intentions in promising financial support. She has good intentions and piss-poor financial management. But she didn't "go back on her word" because she was being cruel or purposeful - she didn't realize how dire her financial situation was. Now, she's been really irresponsible in not communicating better with her husband and not being more on top of her finances, but her lack of financial savvy is certainly not a reason to banish her from her child's wedding. Any adult child who would be so vindictive certainly deserves no support, but more importantly deserves no respect. That's just indecent and petty and shallow.

The only people who are coming out decently here are the dad and the fiance. Sad.

Cool. And can you use that excuse to the crediotrs when they come knocking?

"Um, sorry.. I know I'm a good person, but- I didnt realize I couldnt afford this house!! Sorrrrryyyyyy!! Is it okay now that you knew I had good intentions?!"

Please. This is the real world. If you are that age and cannot have any kind of realistic grip on your finances and continue to go around promising your children a rose garden when all you can afford is a patch of dirt then you deserve to be uninvited.

Anonymous wrote:If my mom did this to me, she would not be invited to my wedding. Period.

I would be happy to pay for it and find a way to put on a brave face, but momma would have to content herself with looking at photos on facebook. No way I would allow someone at my wedding who had promised to help out and then gone back on their word, I dont care who you are.

Wow, you are a frightfully immature and vindictive bitch. Anyone can see that clearly the mom, however flawed, had good intentions in promising financial support. She has good intentions and piss-poor financial management. But she didn't "go back on her word" because she was being cruel or purposeful - she didn't realize how dire her financial situation was. Now, she's been really irresponsible in not communicating better with her husband and not being more on top of her finances, but her lack of financial savvy is certainly not a reason to banish her from her child's wedding. Any adult child who would be so vindictive certainly deserves no support, but more importantly deserves no respect. That's just indecent and petty and shallow.

The only people who are coming out decently here are the dad and the fiance. Sad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they need to come up with a set amount. I got 20k, as did all my siblings. Only paid for a fraction of my wedding, but was equal for all siblings.

Not everyone has 20k to give to each of their kids.

Duh. That's why it says "set amount". But 20k-25k does seem to be a middle class standard around the majority of my friends too.

If my mom did this to me, she would not be invited to my wedding. Period.

I would be happy to pay for it and find a way to put on a brave face, but momma would have to content herself with looking at photos on facebook. No way I would allow someone at my wedding who had promised to help out and then gone back on their word, I dont care who you are.

On Friends, Chandler ended up paying for the wedding.

Anonymous wrote:A few thoughts-

can the wedding be done at that same B&B but on a budget? (fewer guests, candle centerpieces instead of flowers, a buffet brunch or "cake and punch" reception instead of a full meal with booze)

when parents said they would pay for the wedding, i think they should honor that with regard to the reception (but ensure that guest list is small and the affair is as close to within their budget as possible). however, the couple can foot the bill for dress, makeup/hair, transportation, ceremony costs, etc...

if they are using outside vendors, i wouldn't think the contract has a minimum food & bev charge.

+1

See if you can get away with keeping the venue, given that they've already paid 50%.

Anonymous wrote:I think they need to come up with a set amount. I got 20k, as did all my siblings. Only paid for a fraction of my wedding, but was equal for all siblings.

Not everyone has 20k to give to each of their kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister needs to contact the B&B and read the fine print of the contract. She should pay whatever needs to be paid to cancel the event, but depending on how far in the future the event is, it may just be a matter of forfeiting the deposit.

And then I think you need to stay out of it, unless your niece comes to you directly to complain. In that case, you should say that you understand that she is upset and angry, and that your sister should not have made a promise she couldn't keep. However, the best thing she can do is let that go and work on planning a wedding that she can afford. Offer to help, if you can--researching new venues, offering whatever DIY skills you have, etc.

Yes, do this.

The more you get sucked in, the more *you* will be expected to pay!

It's beyond shameful that your sister pulled this fast one on her own daughter. I got married at 23, and would have been shocked to hear that my parents could not afford to pay their agreed portion of my wedding, despite their promises. It's such a breach of trust.

Your niece did nothing wrong here. Plenty of people marry responsibly at that age. If the invitations haven't been sent out yet, perhaps the best thing to do would be to postpone the wedding for a bit, until the animosity dies down. The moral of the story is that she can't trust her mother (sad).

huh?
What is sad is the horrible financial management skills of this family. People should count on other people to pay for their weddings. If your parents can afford to pay for it and offer - that is a tremendous gift. If they cannot, oh well.

If the venue rebooks, then I wonder if they are legally allowed to keep the full deposit. That'll be state law. Someone needs to read the contract, not just take what the B&B says over the phone. Also, someone needs to call the consumer protection agency for the state and ask about the deposit if the venue rebooks.

Also, if the wedding is well over a year away, can anyone start putting money away to cover it, rather than taking out a loan? More like lay-a-way instead of charge card.

Holy Cow. There are so many things wrong with this whole scenario it's hard to know where to begin.

Your sister made a poor promise -- very open ended and she did this without talking with her husband.

Your niece has champagne tastes and she thinks she has carte blanche. It's better she and her fiance learn this now prior to getting married.

Personally I would suggest family counseling for the niece, your sister and her husband. There's a whole lot of bad behavior/bad patterns of judgement taking place from all sides and they need some help to work their way through the situation. You aren't qualified to negotiate this mess.

This happened to my brother. When he got engaged, his excited future in-laws promised to pay for whatever wedding their daughter wanted, and so they planned something relatively modest, and then two months before the event, his future in-laws said they couldn't afford to pay for anything except for their daughter's dress. My parents ended up paying for most of the wedding, and my brother and SIL paid some as well. Everyone felt badly for my SIL who was embarassed at her parents flakiness (and for my parents who had to fork over a lot of cash unexpectedly), but that's life. Some people just don't keep promises and don't manage money well.