Anonymous
Post 05/18/2015 14:39     Subject: Re:Should I tell?

The OP sounds really insecure. I don't think this is about her SIL's boyfriend. I think that his situation has opened up some of her own wounds.

One minute she says that the in-laws are racist. Then she says that they are not mean, however. Then she says that her racist in-laws are still family and she wants to continue a relationship with them.

The OP seems to be very embarrassed by her racist, blue collar in-laws, yet she married down (according to her) and so consequently has to defend her marriage to her DH in order to justify to others why she knowingly married into such a racist family.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2015 14:29     Subject: Should I tell?
Anonymous wrote:This one poster like to engage very deeply with other posters. I'm sure we've read you "stories" before, OP.


OP here: You can believe what you want. I don't have anything to gain by convincing you that I am real.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2015 13:51     Subject: Should I tell?
Not sure I'd say anything, while your in-laws may have views against race, OP seems to have harsh views on educations and types of job.

Her short "plump" sister might not appreciate the help.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2015 13:46     Subject: Re:Should I tell?
Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure if he asks you why they act they way they do, and you say, 'Take a guess.' That will suffice. Your presence is throwing off his radar.

THIS X 100000! He is not stupid, he's a person of color in America, he knows what's up and is just priming you for info.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2015 13:40     Subject: Should I tell?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op don't say anything. It's not your place. I do think it's sad you married into this type of family and that you allow them around your children. Honestly I would have zero to do with them as I can see myself cursing them out over their stupidity. I'm sure they smile in your face all while calling you the N word behind your back.


OP here: I think you've gone a bit far here. I am pretty confident that DH's family does not use the N-word. They are racially ignorant and definitely behind the times, but not hateful. I am not sad I married into the family because DH is worth it. The easy thing to do for my ego would be to take an unyielding stand and split the family up, but family is all we have in this world. I am not going to cut off the parents who raised the man I love and break both their hearts and his in the process unless I really have to. If they do not learn to bite their tongue before my children are old enough to understand, then they will be getting their walking papers. For now, I am willing to work with them, as annoying as that is.


So what's there to tell?
You've stated yourself that despite knowing how "frosty" the parents can be its not something you're ready to run away screaming from because your DH is worth it.
So don't say anything.
Whether the daughter's love interest knows up front or finds out after the fact about how "frosty" the parents can be I'm sure he'll make the same decision if he truly cares about her and wants to be with her.
What you think if you tell him he may run away screaming and send you Thank You cards for allowing him to avoid uncomfortable Thanksgivings?
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2015 13:40     Subject: Should I tell?
This one poster like to engage very deeply with other posters. I'm sure we've read you "stories" before, OP.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2015 13:39     Subject: Should I tell?
Anonymous wrote:I don't believe the OP is real.


same.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2015 13:32     Subject: Should I tell?
Anonymous wrote:Op don't say anything. It's not your place. I do think it's sad you married into this type of family and that you allow them around your children. Honestly I would have zero to do with them as I can see myself cursing them out over their stupidity. I'm sure they smile in your face all while calling you the N word behind your back.


OP here: I think you've gone a bit far here. I am pretty confident that DH's family does not use the N-word. They are racially ignorant and definitely behind the times, but not hateful. I am not sad I married into the family because DH is worth it. The easy thing to do for my ego would be to take an unyielding stand and split the family up, but family is all we have in this world. I am not going to cut off the parents who raised the man I love and break both their hearts and his in the process unless I really have to. If they do not learn to bite their tongue before my children are old enough to understand, then they will be getting their walking papers. For now, I am willing to work with them, as annoying as that is.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2015 10:23     Subject: Should I tell?
Op don't say anything. It's not your place. I do think it's sad you married into this type of family and that you allow them around your children. Honestly I would have zero to do with them as I can see myself cursing them out over their stupidity. I'm sure they smile in your face all while calling you the N word behind your back.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2015 10:08     Subject: Should I tell?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say jack.
He ain't family yet.


OP here: Good point. But wouldn't you want to be told what you were getting yourself into?


Yup. And if I were you, I'd be worried about the guilt I'd carry once he does become family.

It can't hurt to broach the subject. Ask a few questions. You said he's looking for support. It would be incredibly unkind at this point not to respond to him. You can share your experience and insight. He can make his own decisions. It's not a betrayal to your ILs. But to keep silent would be a betrayal of your own values. You seem like good people. Reach out. You'll sleep better.


Oh please...He needs to know what he's getting into as far as the daughter - she's the one he loves and wants to spend his life with.
Once that knot is tied and all courtesy obligations are null and void.
If they're wanna act all frosty he can choose to not visit them and he can choose to not interact with them.
He can even choose to open his mouth and say "F%k you too."
He's not "getting into" anything - he still has an array of choices.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2015 10:01     Subject: Should I tell?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say jack.
He ain't family yet.


OP here: Good point. But wouldn't you want to be told what you were getting yourself into?


If he has to ask then he already knows. You knew.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2015 09:45     Subject: Should I tell?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say jack.
He ain't family yet.


OP here: Good point. But wouldn't you want to be told what you were getting yourself into?


Yup. And if I were you, I'd be worried about the guilt I'd carry once he does become family.

It can't hurt to broach the subject. Ask a few questions. You said he's looking for support. It would be incredibly unkind at this point not to respond to him. You can share your experience and insight. He can make his own decisions. It's not a betrayal to your ILs. But to keep silent would be a betrayal of your own values. You seem like good people. Reach out. You'll sleep better.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2015 09:42     Subject: Should I tell?
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say jack.
He ain't family yet.


OP here: Good point. But wouldn't you want to be told what you were getting yourself into?
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2015 09:38     Subject: Should I tell?
I wouldn't say jack.
He ain't family yet.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2015 09:35     Subject: Should I tell?
Anonymous wrote:I don't believe the OP is real.


OP here: That's fine. You're welcome to believe what you want.