I just wanted to chime in and say I am very sorry you are going through this. Some of the responses on this thread are shocking, just truly mean.

I only have a young DD but I will do my best to teach her tolerance and acceptance of everyone. I will admit easier said than done, but we all need to try.

I do not understand why the lip balm was such a big issue. I hope someone discussed the teachers overreaction with her and she apologized. Kids pick their noses and butts in class....I think smelling lip balm would be the last thing to freak out over.

Hugs OP!

Does he/she try to get to know them? When he/she sees them eating alone at lunch, having no one to talk to at recess, do they shrug their shoulders and ignore or do they try to include them in a game or play? Do they speak kindly to them in group activities?

OP,
Parents at home do not know how their child behaves when they are not present. I was a teacher. I understand your concerns about your child and I sympathize, but most kids are worried about their own need for friends. They are worried about who they are going to play with. That is just a fact. Seldom do kids at recess plot out who is going to play with them--it is pretty much spontaneous. Do you want the teacher to pick out a child to help your son? She could do that--but will that make him accepted? Or, will it make him a burden? I guess I'm having a hard time picturing the child eating alone at lunch because most schools don't have that kind of space.
I would hope that the teacher would try to include your son in groups and activities and to be treated politely. You also mentioned that others talk over him. That is not acceptable--but does he listen to others? Is it possible that he is not considerate of them? I understand that he has needs--but other kids do, as well.

Also, on the lip balm thing--you said he spread it all over his own paper--was it a paper to be turned in? As a teacher, I would find that unacceptable.

As the parent of a NT kid who is a bit of a follower (and who has some friends who have mean girl tendencies), I worry about this. She's about the kindest, most understanding kid in the world (no, I'm not biased!) but I think she could be susceptible to groupthink. It's not that others are leading her astray - she's responsible for her own behavior. I for one would be mortified if she excluded anyone, and would want it brought to my attention. We teach her to be kind and understanding, but at some point, you have to trust that she's doing the right thing.

That said, she has several kids in her class who have some serious issues, and she avoids them. As kids get older, and physical differences are accentuated, I'm not going to tell her that she has to play with boys who can stop roughhousing, or won't stop when she tells them to. Making her responsible for her own safety and body means she gets to decide not to be around people who don't treat her right. It's tough for kids to draw these fine distinctions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you for real, PP? If you are so sensitive that the smell of someone's Chapstick from across a room is debilitating, I can't imagine how you can function in life.

Very for real, sadly. I have to avoid most scents. Its very difficult with bad migraines. I cannot be around things like hand sanitizers and we keep our house as scent free as possible. There are lots of people sensitive to scents, but they are hard to avoid. My point being OP wants everyone to be sensitive to her child, but she refuses to consider anyone else's needs. My children hates scents as they are not used to them. If I accidentally buy something with a scent they are the first to comment. I would not take the risk of being near that child if I know he'd pull it out all the time and I'd be near him or he'd say, hey smell it and doesn't have the understanding of no when I decline and move away.

Man, you'd hate burrito night in my house.

Anonymous wrote:There is no indication in the OP's post that anyone in the classroom had any sensitivity to scents. The lipbalm hating PP is inventing this scenario in which OP and her child are being inconsiderate to her scent-sensitive doppelgänger, but that is not what actually happened.

This thread is really depressing me as the oarent of a child with SN. Apart from a few thoughtful posts it is full of people saying "why should I teach my child to be kind to children who are different from them? Why don't you just make your child act more normal?" I hope at least a few people who read the OP's post instead had conversations with their children about being kind and inclusive towards people who act of look different from what they are used to.

+1.

Anonymous wrote:Are you for real, PP? If you are so sensitive that the smell of someone's Chapstick from across a room is debilitating, I can't imagine how you can function in life.

Thankfully I don't have a problem with scents but have a family member who is like this. Horrible headaches into migraines around lots of artificial scents.

There is no indication in the OP's post that anyone in the classroom had any sensitivity to scents. The lipbalm hating PP is inventing this scenario in which OP and her child are being inconsiderate to her scent-sensitive doppelgänger, but that is not what actually happened.

This thread is really depressing me as the oarent of a child with SN. Apart from a few thoughtful posts it is full of people saying "why should I teach my child to be kind to children who are different from them? Why don't you just make your child act more normal?" I hope at least a few people who read the OP's post instead had conversations with their children about being kind and inclusive towards people who act of look different from what they are used to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you for real, PP? If you are so sensitive that the smell of someone's Chapstick from across a room is debilitating, I can't imagine how you can function in life.

Oh the irony

What irony? While strong scents can trigger migraines, most people misuse the term and mislabel common headaches as migraines. Smelling Chapstick isn't going to give you a migraine.
Not PP, btw.

Anonymous wrote:Are you for real, PP? If you are so sensitive that the smell of someone's Chapstick from across a room is debilitating, I can't imagine how you can function in life.

Oh the irony

Anonymous wrote:Are you for real, PP? If you are so sensitive that the smell of someone's Chapstick from across a room is debilitating, I can't imagine how you can function in life.

Very for real, sadly. I have to avoid most scents. Its very difficult with bad migraines. I cannot be around things like hand sanitizers and we keep our house as scent free as possible. There are lots of people sensitive to scents, but they are hard to avoid. My point being OP wants everyone to be sensitive to her child, but she refuses to consider anyone else's needs. My children hates scents as they are not used to them. If I accidentally buy something with a scent they are the first to comment. I would not take the risk of being near that child if I know he'd pull it out all the time and I'd be near him or he'd say, hey smell it and doesn't have the understanding of no when I decline and move away.

Are you for real, PP? If you are so sensitive that the smell of someone's Chapstick from across a room is debilitating, I can't imagine how you can function in life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At my kids' ES, kids often volunteer during lunch to work with PEP and SCB. So it's actually part of the culture, which is lovely. My daughter tried, but she was beaten to it!

OP here. PP, this is the kind of school and the kind of students I would like my SN child to be around. May I ask - what school this is? I honestly would consider even moving to a district like this in the future. I have other children and would want them to be in this kind of school too.

As for the PP who said her daughter prefers smart, well behaved children and would likely not go out of her way to show friendliness toward SN kids, I'm happy that your daughter is neurotypical to enjoy such friendships. However, I would ask how you would want your daughter to be treated if she were born with CP, DS, ASD, any special needs that clearly distinguishes her from classmates. If she sat alone on a bench while 80 children her age played at recess daily, would you want others to go up to her and encourage her to join them? Or would you prefer she sat alone daily?

That's not reasonable to place that kind of responsibility on young kids to expect them to friend others and have them feel included. That is the teacher's job. Its great you are advocating for your daughter and if you do it at school it may help many kids but just to expect young kids to do it without guidance and support is unreaslistic.

It is teh parents job to provide that guidance and support (i.e. YOU). that is why the op posted.

Thank you, pp. I am not asking for anything more than teaching children tolerance. One kind child can make the difference in another childs life.

It is unfair to put that kind of need of your child on another child. Yes, it can be helpful, but perhaps you should consider what your child is doing and get them additional support, especially OT and social skills classes. Or, place him at a special needs school that can better cater and deal with these issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Its to teach tolerance of differences.

There is a difference between tolerance and being BFF.

I'm one of those people who cannot stand the smell of some of those lip balms. Has it occurred to you that it might be offensive to the others? Have you talked to your son about adjusting his own behavior? I understand that social skills may be difficult for him (I have a DD who has/had difficulty with social skills and was bullied, so I am not unsympathetic) but you cannot expect everyone to adjust to him. Tolerance? Yes. Are they really mean to him? Or, is it his perception?

Does he listen to others? You talk about others talking over him. Was the lip balm distracting him and others? Do you want others to be nice to him because they feel sorry for him--or do you want them to like him? Sounds to me like you think this is a one way street.

+1, I get bad migraines. If I see a kid using something scented, including hand sanitizer, we walk the other way. Scents are a huge trigger for me.

At my sons school, lip balms are used by many children, particularly during winter months. My sons lips bleed if he does not use them. The school permits all students to use them. If another student is offended to the point of getting debilitating migraines, they move the students desks or seating so they are not near each other. They will notprohibit lip balms to stop the child with sensory issues from smelling his own lip balm.

So, basically you want your child's needs to be met but don't care about how it impacts others. You can get no smell products for lip balms and wash hands with a very low or no scent soap vs. use a sanitizer. You complain your child gets treated differently but there may be a reason why. Don't get angry if we would not befriend your child and I encourage mine to stay away as I couldn't be around him. It isn't as simple as moving a seat as the smell is in the room. Funny, how your kids needs are so important but another isn't. I would not welcome you or your child to play with my child, play dates, or anywhere my home or car if you don't get I have an issue with scents and it isn't as simple as taking a medication and they can last several days. Maybe part of the issue with your child is your demands and attitude. One would hope you'd be more sensitive to others special needs and not just your families.

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Have you spoken with the teacher? Maybe, I missed this part. Also, all children feel left out from time to time--even so called "normal" kids. Is it possible that it is not as bad as you think? You mentioned his AAP teacher--is he in center or community school?

He is in a community public school. The teachers seem reluctant to call the other kids parents. One teacher has stood up for him a few times. The other teacher absolutely does not. She does not want him in her class, that much is clear.

Anonymous wrote:

Sounds to me you jumped the gun a bit in your assumptions. No one is mandating a utopian culture or else. This is a request for additional tolerance for children with challenges. The less tolerant our children are, the worse it is for
Society as a whole

Maybe, but, as I said, DD was bullied unmercifully in fourth grade. However, you cannot make others like your child. You have to work with your child to be nice to others. We worked with the counselor and she chose the teachers who could better work with my DD and she also was careful which other kids were in the class. That helped.
The fourth grade teacher was a lovely person--but the bullying did not happen in front of her. Teasing, etc, occurred on playground, hallways, etc.

As far as the lip balm, it sounds to me like the kid was abusing its use. He may need to smell nice things--but it is distracting if it has a fragrance --and, he was probably playing with it. The mom totally defended its use. She should talk to him about limiting it. He was probably playing with the lip balm instead of doing his work.

I am the OP. Where did I say my son was not nice to other students??