I am in my late 40s. When I was dating in my 20s, I split checks with every guy that I was casually dating. The only man I allowed to pay for me was the man I ended up marrying. He is still picking up the check.

Men please elaborate!! Why do you want to pick up the check?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so confused.

So gender roles are cool when it comes to men paying during dating, but not cool when you're married and your husband doesn't want to take care of the baby or vacuum?

Ladies, you set your own precedent.

My DH paid for all our dates, now earns almost 7 figures and still helps take care of the kids and always vacuums. I married DH because I thought he would be a great dad and he is. He is a very hands on father. I did not always stay home but we recently decided that it would be best if I stayed home full time to focus on the kids. When he comes home, DH gives the kids a bath and does the dishes most nights. He did that when I worked and still does even though I am no longer working.

What do you bring to the marriage? Anything close to 50%?

Anonymous wrote:I'm so confused.

So gender roles are cool when it comes to men paying during dating, but not cool when you're married and your husband doesn't want to take care of the baby or vacuum?

Ladies, you set your own precedent.

My DH paid for all our dates, now earns almost 7 figures and still helps take care of the kids and always vacuums. I married DH because I thought he would be a great dad and he is. He is a very hands on father. I did not always stay home but we recently decided that it would be best if I stayed home full time to focus on the kids. When he comes home, DH gives the kids a bath and does the dishes most nights. He did that when I worked and still does even though I am no longer working.

I agree with the PP who said that expecting the guy to pay merely reinforces traditional gender roles.

It may be fine for the guy to pay for the first couple of dates but thereafter there is no reason a woman can't just say she is going to pick up the check and then one can just alternate.

What exactly is the obligation for a guy to pick up the check repeatedly other than the traditional role of men versus women? I am actually surprised at the number of posters who seem to be fine with reinforcing that aspect of the traditional role of the respective genders.

It's 2015. How long do you want to cling to gender norms, and reinforce with the guy that not only do gender norms still exist, you yourself abide by them?

For us it was the first three dates and then we worked out something like the hosting person paid. We lived 30 minutes from each other without traffic so if I drove out his way he paid for dates and he drove my way I paid for most of our meals.

I do agree with the PP that said not to split the check once you are an established couple. It just reminds me too much of the scene from the Joy Luck Club where the husband splits the grocery bill and he doesn't pay for her Tampons but he splits the cost of the icecream that his wife Lena didn't even like to eat. I watched the movie with my mom when I was in high school or college (over 20 years ago) and it made that big of an impression.

If he pays, then just make sure he gets to eat at your house every now and then.

When DW and I started dating, I was making 100K with pretty much no bills except for basics (rent, electricity, internet, etc). DW was making 35K and had student loans on top of everything else.

I paid for pretty much all dates. Often she would do a "lets grab a drink first" or "lets grab dessert after" and she would pay. Sometimes she'd pay for less expensive restaurants. But the truth was I was in a better position to pay for things and we enjoyed going to nice places. When we got serious, we had open conversations about it because she felt bad she couldn't contribute the same way I did.

When we moved in together, we worked out new systems for paying for things as our incomes were still very different.

Now that we are married we've worked out a system since our income levels are still quite different (and likely always will be).

I don't think there is a set time. It's about each partner being respectful for their partner's feelings and where they are coming from. Some women are more comfortable with guys picking up the tab all the time than others.

My DH pays for everything, unless it is his birthday, then I pay. It's been this way since we started dating. I would not have allowed it to continue if I wasn't serious about him.

It's been two years and my boyfriend still pays for everything.

ok. Here's another question:
If you're a pay for it kind of guy and a woman insists on splitting, how does that strike you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here...during the "courtship" process, I pay for all of the dates. Once dating, I'd say it's about 80/20--I pay for most of the dates and she'll chip in with a few special treats. The lines are also blurred once you've been dating for a while because of groceries/expenses/etc. I may foot the bill for a Whole Foods trip, but then she may pick up Chipotle or Happy Hour.

Should I continue to offer to split? Is that appreciated? Do I assume he'll pay- that would just make me feel like an ass.

I'm this PP...

After dinner, why don't you say something like "Let me treat us to some ice cream" or "Let's go to XYZ bar and get some drinks, my treat"? That's kind of a middle ground...less awkward than having to repeatedly ask about splitting the check (which can be weird, because it makes dinner seem more like a business transaction), and still would allow you to "contribute" to the dating dynamic.

Anonymous wrote:If I ask them out I pay and vice versa.

When do you ever ask?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Seriously, do you think men pay BECAUSE they want sex?

Of course, duh.

I don't, as a matter of course, buy for my buddies. Because I don't want to have sex with them.

(We do, however, buy rounds of drinks for one another - because that way, you're committed to drinking until everyone has bought an even number of rounds.)