Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married four years and we have sex at most once a month. He has always had low drive/ED. I had to push him to get viagra. that made a difference. My sex drive was average for the most part but since having a baby its dropped. And the truth is that he isn't good in bed. We have never had a passionate dymanic. I have had a LOT more experience than DH so I know what I want etc. I have tried to talk to him about what I need etc. But he lacks confidence and experience. I think if I had someone on the side it would help with the marriage. I am not going to get a divorce over this because of kids.

Truthfully, this is a sad story. You may have to give him an ultimatum before he changes.

Ultimatums don't work. The spouse may change for a bit but at the end of the day they have a low sex drive and will revert back to their old ways sooner rather than later. You can't change someone. Either cheat OE get used to living without a lot of sex.

Ultimatums DO work but only if you really mean it. Because then it's not really you giving an ultimatum so much as you just being honest for once.
I say this from personal experience, having reached such a low point of sexless marriage that I was no longer willing to live a forced celibate life. I eventually told my wife exactly this: we either fix our marriage or we end it. (I did not bring up option 3 which is to stay married and I have sex elsewhere ... I would have certainly raised this option depending on how the conversation was going). This was not brinkmanship, not an ultimatum. This was the honest truth, brutal as it may seem. Years later, we remain married and have a pretty decent sexlife.

So ask yourself: will I be happy remaining married and faithful to somebody who consistently ignores my completely reasonable sexual needs?
I decided that I could not, and this was a pretty important revelation, one that I needed to share my spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an unmarried man, this thread is depressing. I'm sorry but this marriage thing is bullsh!t

You think reading about it is depressing? Try livin it. As a dw, the lack of sex is depressing. Agreed. Monogamy is kind of bs.

Anonymous wrote:Married four years and we have sex at most once a month. He has always had low drive/ED. I had to push him to get viagra. that made a difference. My sex drive was average for the most part but since having a baby its dropped. And the truth is that he isn't good in bed. We have never had a passionate dymanic. I have had a LOT more experience than DH so I know what I want etc. I have tried to talk to him about what I need etc. But he lacks confidence and experience. I think if I had someone on the side it would help with the marriage. I am not going to get a divorce over this because of kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I could also write a few paragraphs on my sex life and frustrations. But sometimes I wonder if I'm over complicating things? Perhaps your wife just isn't that into sex? My husband makes a lot of excuses and tells me things I do wrong but deep down I think he simply isn't that sexual. He doesn't understand my need and never will. I feel lonely.

Possibly. But I tend to think my wife has desire - it's just more responsive in nature. I need to figure out how make her respond.

Even with responsive desire, it's entirely likely that her appetite for sex is lower than mine, and you run into the question of what sorts of compromise are ideal/possible in these situations. Do you set the frequency at whatever the lower desire spouse happens to want? Seems unfair, but it's pretty tough to tell someone they should have sex when they don't want to. Sounds awfully rapey.

Like I said, work in progress. My wife is a wonderful person, and in most other respects our relationship is pretty great. So I'm not ending the marriage or cheating over this issue. That leaves me with a lot of time to work on improving our sex life as much as it can be improved.

As a woman it is frustrating because my husband dictates when we have sex. I've learned I cannot come onto him or talk to him about wanting to have sex. That only leads to a major fight. My plan is to ignore our sex life going forward.

Anonymous wrote:My DH knows that I value personal hygiene. In spite of that, he has been too lazy to shower for the last 11 days, so we haven't had sex over that time frame either. I can deal if he hasn't showered in a couple days, but by day 4, I'm too grossed out to get intimate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about porn? Morally I have never had a problem with porn or strip clubs, etc. However, I think that porn and the media has made men especially turned off by their wives and girlfriends. They believe there is an endless supply of young beautiful women with perfect bodies who want nothing more than to pleasure the men, no demands or needs of their own.

I was disappointed to learn that some men would prefer to be with one of the models in a porn magazine or would find it easier to masturbate to born than to pay for a cup of coffee or dinner to take the time to get to know how a real woman feels and reacts sexually.

I tend to think that porn and masturbation are mostly distinct from what a person is getting out of sex with their spouse. There is some overlap, and some people have a problem, but mostly one is not a substitute for the other.

That said, the underlined portion of your comment gave me pause. Is there some rule that men should have to do the pursuing? Or is that just a function of the pre-Internet "marketplace" where the amount of male desire for sex exceeded the amount of female desire for sex? And, if so, did the Internet (and the ready availability of porn) change that dynamic? In other words, if a woman wants to show a man that she's a more rewarding experience than porn, shouldn't she be paying for coffee and dinner?

Porn adds another option or competes for time, energy, resources that could improve the sex life of the married couple.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about porn? Morally I have never had a problem with porn or strip clubs, etc. However, I think that porn and the media has made men especially turned off by their wives and girlfriends. They believe there is an endless supply of young beautiful women with perfect bodies who want nothing more than to pleasure the men, no demands or needs of their own.

I was disappointed to learn that some men would prefer to be with one of the models in a porn magazine or would find it easier to masturbate to born than to pay for a cup of coffee or dinner to take the time to get to know how a real woman feels and reacts sexually.

I tend to think that porn and masturbation are mostly distinct from what a person is getting out of sex with their spouse. There is some overlap, and some people have a problem, but mostly one is not a substitute for the other.

That said, the underlined portion of your comment gave me pause. Is there some rule that men should have to do the pursuing? Or is that just a function of the pre-Internet "marketplace" where the amount of male desire for sex exceeded the amount of female desire for sex? And, if so, did the Internet (and the ready availability of porn) change that dynamic? In other words, if a woman wants to show a man that she's a more rewarding experience than porn, shouldn't she be paying for coffee and dinner?

Anonymous wrote:What about porn? Morally I have never had a problem with porn or strip clubs, etc. However, I think that porn and the media has made men especially turned off by their wives and girlfriends. They believe there is an endless supply of young beautiful women with perfect bodies who want nothing more than to pleasure the men, no demands or needs of their own.

I was disappointed to learn that some men would prefer to be with one of the models in a porn magazine or would find it easier to masturbate to born than to pay for a cup of coffee or dinner to take the time to get to know how a real woman feels and reacts sexually.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married four years and we have sex at most once a month. He has always had low drive/ED. I had to push him to get viagra. that made a difference. My sex drive was average for the most part but since having a baby its dropped. And the truth is that he isn't good in bed. We have never had a passionate dymanic. I have had a LOT more experience than DH so I know what I want etc. I have tried to talk to him about what I need etc. But he lacks confidence and experience. I think if I had someone on the side it would help with the marriage. I am not going to get a divorce over this because of kids.

Truthfully, this is a sad story. You may have to give him an ultimatum before he changes.

Ultimatums don't work. The spouse may change for a bit but at the end of the day they have a low sex drive and will revert back to their old ways sooner rather than later. You can't change someone. Either cheat OE get used to living without a lot of sex.

Ultimatums DO work but only if you really mean it. Because then it's not really you giving an ultimatum so much as you just being honest for once.
I say this from personal experience, having reached such a low point of sexless marriage that I was no longer willing to live a forced celibate life. I eventually told my wife exactly this: we either fix our marriage or we end it. (I did not bring up option 3 which is to stay married and I have sex elsewhere ... I would have certainly raised this option depending on how the conversation was going). This was not brinkmanship, not an ultimatum. This was the honest truth, brutal as it may seem. Years later, we remain married and have a pretty decent sexlife.

So ask yourself: will I be happy remaining married and faithful to somebody who consistently ignores my completely reasonable sexual needs?
I decided that I could not, and this was a pretty important revelation, one that I needed to share my spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married four years and we have sex at most once a month. He has always had low drive/ED. I had to push him to get viagra. that made a difference. My sex drive was average for the most part but since having a baby its dropped. And the truth is that he isn't good in bed. We have never had a passionate dymanic. I have had a LOT more experience than DH so I know what I want etc. I have tried to talk to him about what I need etc. But he lacks confidence and experience. I think if I had someone on the side it would help with the marriage. I am not going to get a divorce over this because of kids.

Truthfully, this is a sad story. You may have to give him an ultimatum before he changes.

Ultimatums don't work. The spouse may change for a bit but at the end of the day they have a low sex drive and will revert back to their old ways sooner rather than later. You can't change someone. Either cheat OE get used to living without a lot of sex.

Ultimatums DO work but only if you really mean it. Because then it's not really you giving an ultimatum so much as you just being honest for once.
I say this from personal experience, having reached such a low point of sexless marriage that I was no longer willing to live a forced celibate life. I eventually told my wife exactly this: we either fix our marriage or we end it. (I did not bring up option 3 which is to stay married and I have sex elsewhere ... I would have certainly raised this option depending on how the conversation was going). This was not brinkmanship, not an ultimatum. This was the honest truth, brutal as it may seem. Years later, we remain married and have a pretty decent sexlife.

So ask yourself: will I be happy remaining married and faithful to somebody who consistently ignores my completely reasonable sexual needs?
I decided that I could not, and this was a pretty important revelation, one that I needed to share my spouse.

Anonymous wrote:As an unmarried man, this thread is depressing. I'm sorry but this marriage thing is bullsh!t

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married four years and we have sex at most once a month. He has always had low drive/ED. I had to push him to get viagra. that made a difference. My sex drive was average for the most part but since having a baby its dropped. And the truth is that he isn't good in bed. We have never had a passionate dymanic. I have had a LOT more experience than DH so I know what I want etc. I have tried to talk to him about what I need etc. But he lacks confidence and experience. I think if I had someone on the side it would help with the marriage. I am not going to get a divorce over this because of kids.

Truthfully, this is a sad story. You may have to give him an ultimatum before he changes.

Ultimatums don't work. The spouse may change for a bit but at the end of the day they have a low sex drive and will revert back to their old ways sooner rather than later. You can't change someone. Either cheat OE get used to living without a lot of sex.