Basically, your DH wants to give up nothing, and wants you to give up a lot?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a breadwinner making 100Kish in this area, what makes it possible is my DH SAH so there are no childcare expenses. He hasn't made great financial decisions either, but the decision to raise his kid for the benefit of the family was not a hard one. Your husband sounds very oddly rigid and insecure and I don't envy you the spot you're in with him. I like the idea of a 6 month ultimatum. He has a kid now and has to change something. His earning potential, his attutide towards work...

The childcare expense is a big factor why I am second guessing my lean to stay in the area. It really is expensive. I knew this before I was pregnant, but it is just so much more real now that I write that check every week. If I take the job here, I computed that after the big expenses, I'd have about 700 usd a month to use for savings/emergency/clothing/vacation/leisure, etc. And this is with us RENTING. Say nothing of not being able to start a college savings plan. And if anybody is curious, we already have no cable, we have a very modest lifestyle, use the public library, etc.

i dont disagree regarding how expensive childcare is but i also don't think sacrificing cable and using the public library saves you much. depends on your definition of a 'very modest lifestyle' but there must be other things you could do so that you could have more $$ leftover each month.

OP, this is a tough one, but I strongly urge you to figure out a way to move with your DH together. Pre-kids, I've done the LDM, and it's hard no matter what. In my case, though, it was to pursue my dream (one I had long before meeting DH). And we chose to stay apart while DH continued to look, because my entry-level dream job paid a lot less than DH's more senior private sector job It wasn't easy, but we made it work for a while. We're now in the same place (I ended up having to compromise when I got pregnant and move back to where he was for reasons not worth getting into...let's just say it's very unique to my situation and not a cautionary tale worth sharing), and, honestly, life is much easier and better for us. I don't regret the decision I made at the time, but it did impact our relationship. And it obviously depends a lot on your kid and family dynamics, but I seriously would not have wanted to care for an infant alone.

It is risky to move without a job, but your DH's reasons just don't make sense. Is his current job particularly awesome such that he doesn't want to leave it unless he has something equally fulfilling? That's the only reason I could kind of see it, but even then it doesn't really make much sense with an infant to me. Obviously everyone has lines, and some people are successfully able to raise small children from two different cities, but the reasoning you've described just seems off. Is he also on board (truly) is leaving DC? Because if he's not, that at least sounds like a more rational explanation for his reluctance to move with his wife and small child for what would almost certainly be a higher quality of life.

I'm not sure if you are the one who posted that his degree is political science, but would it help him to start looking into alternative careers that utilize this skill set? Maybe state/local government? I left a very coveted government position, and for a while I was really sad to leave that career...but I've resolved myself to my private sector job and getting very active in my local government...it's a very different set of policy challenges, but actually more interesting than I might have initially assumed. There are multiple ways to cultivate interests.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well his question to me is what will happen to him if he follows me without a job, is unable to get a job, and we don't work out? Maybe writing on the wall, but I still like to think we're just being practical...

This literally made my eyes go wide when I read it.

I can't imagine thinking like this. This is your husband and the father of your child. He's making decisions based on the idea that it might not work out???

You are the breadwinner and the priority is keeping the family together. He moves for your job and he looks for another job full-time.

His ego is your stumbling block. Period. Everyone has an ego, but he needs to figure out how to get over his and make the decision that is best for your family.

Why does this make your eyes go wide?

This is the advice everyone on here is giving to SAHMs all the time! They say it's stupid to give up everything and depend entirely on your spouse when the spouse could ditch you at any time...

It seems like something we all should consider.

- a SAHM who depends on spouse but didn't quite intend to end up this way.

Great point. I think it felt different to me because he's not talking about removing himself from the work force but relocating and finding another job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well his question to me is what will happen to him if he follows me without a job, is unable to get a job, and we don't work out? Maybe writing on the wall, but I still like to think we're just being practical...

This literally made my eyes go wide when I read it.

I can't imagine thinking like this. This is your husband and the father of your child. He's making decisions based on the idea that it might not work out???

You are the breadwinner and the priority is keeping the family together. He moves for your job and he looks for another job full-time.

His ego is your stumbling block. Period. Everyone has an ego, but he needs to figure out how to get over his and make the decision that is best for your family.

Why does this make your eyes go wide?

This is the advice everyone on here is giving to SAHMs all the time! They say it's stupid to give up everything and depend entirely on your spouse when the spouse could ditch you at any time...

It seems like something we all should consider.

- a SAHM who depends on spouse but didn't quite intend to end up this way.

This is what her DH is saying TO OP'S FACE. It was a red flag to me too. Have those thoughts and worries, plan for bad things to happen--thats what you're talking about. But her DH keeping the divorce idea alive between them AFTER they are married with a kid is an active, if unwitting, attempt to undermine the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:I am a breadwinner making 100Kish in this area, what makes it possible is my DH SAH so there are no childcare expenses. He hasn't made great financial decisions either, but the decision to raise his kid for the benefit of the family was not a hard one. Your husband sounds very oddly rigid and insecure and I don't envy you the spot you're in with him. I like the idea of a 6 month ultimatum. He has a kid now and has to change something. His earning potential, his attutide towards work...

The childcare expense is a big factor why I am second guessing my lean to stay in the area. It really is expensive. I knew this before I was pregnant, but it is just so much more real now that I write that check every week. If I take the job here, I computed that after the big expenses, I'd have about 700 usd a month to use for savings/emergency/clothing/vacation/leisure, etc. And this is with us RENTING. Say nothing of not being able to start a college savings plan. And if anybody is curious, we already have no cable, we have a very modest lifestyle, use the public library, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People raise kids in this area on $100K.

Be honest about his job prospects in Arkansas. My husband's job is very DC-centric, and there aren't a lot of jobs in his field outside of DC or other major cities. If you move to an area where there really aren't jobs for your husband, you're either going to divorce or he's going to be miserable. What, realistically, can he do in the city to which you want to move?

Unless he gets over himself, recognizes that she is the breadwinner, makes his entire family his priority and not just himself, and maybe rethinks his career and possibly changes direction.

That is an option.

+1. but i also agree with the PP's point that people raise kids in this area on 100k. in fact, they do it on less. i can attest to that as my DH makes 75K and i am currently unemployed and a SAHM (though I did work up until a few months ago). we just have to be really smart about spending but it is doable...we are not living paycheck to paycheck either. we rent a 2br apt in nova, have 2 cars, and have a very pleasant life. there are plenty of ways you can cut back your expenses to make it work on less than 100k. not that you should have to, OP, if that's not what you want and if you want to advance in your career. but it is definitely possible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well his question to me is what will happen to him if he follows me without a job, is unable to get a job, and we don't work out? Maybe writing on the wall, but I still like to think we're just being practical...

This literally made my eyes go wide when I read it.

I can't imagine thinking like this. This is your husband and the father of your child. He's making decisions based on the idea that it might not work out???

You are the breadwinner and the priority is keeping the family together. He moves for your job and he looks for another job full-time.

His ego is your stumbling block. Period. Everyone has an ego, but he needs to figure out how to get over his and make the decision that is best for your family.

Why does this make your eyes go wide?

This is the advice everyone on here is giving to SAHMs all the time! They say it's stupid to give up everything and depend entirely on your spouse when the spouse could ditch you at any time...

It seems like something we all should consider.

- a SAHM who depends on spouse but didn't quite intend to end up this way.

Anonymous wrote:This is kind of OT but he should look into income-based loan repayment, especially if he's in public service.. sounds like he is.

Unfortunately, he took on majority private loans...

Anonymous wrote:People raise kids in this area on $100K.

Be honest about his job prospects in Arkansas. My husband's job is very DC-centric, and there aren't a lot of jobs in his field outside of DC or other major cities. If you move to an area where there really aren't jobs for your husband, you're either going to divorce or he's going to be miserable. What, realistically, can he do in the city to which you want to move?

Unless he gets over himself, recognizes that she is the breadwinner, makes his entire family his priority and not just himself, and maybe rethinks his career and possibly changes direction.

That is an option.

I am a breadwinner making 100Kish in this area, what makes it possible is my DH SAH so there are no childcare expenses. He hasn't made great financial decisions either, but the decision to raise his kid for the benefit of the family was not a hard one. Your husband sounds very oddly rigid and insecure and I don't envy you the spot you're in with him. I like the idea of a 6 month ultimatum. He has a kid now and has to change something. His earning potential, his attutide towards work...

OP. We have looked into so many places, even before I was pregnant--AR is my best offer. He's applied widely, including Walmart admin. It really is tough.

I am leaning more towards staying just to keep the family together, hopefully also let him gain more experience and be more translocatable. I am worried financially and for my own career opportunities.

Anonymous wrote:People raise kids in this area on $100K.

Be honest about his job prospects in Arkansas. My husband's job is very DC-centric, and there aren't a lot of jobs in his field outside of DC or other major cities. If you move to an area where there really aren't jobs for your husband, you're either going to divorce or he's going to be miserable. What, realistically, can he do in the city to which you want to move?

So she should take a dead-end job (which she said it is) and limit her income even though this will forever affect the quality of life for her family (and potentially impact whether she has a second child) so that he can continue in his chosen field where he earns very little? Reverse the genders and I honestly wonder if people would be giving that advice.

People raise kids in this area on $100K.

Be honest about his job prospects in Arkansas. My husband's job is very DC-centric, and there aren't a lot of jobs in his field outside of DC or other major cities. If you move to an area where there really aren't jobs for your husband, you're either going to divorce or he's going to be miserable. What, realistically, can he do in the city to which you want to move?

This is kind of OT but he should look into income-based loan repayment, especially if he's in public service.. sounds like he is.