Another vote for him being gay.

Regardless of the cause, obviously this isn't sustainable in a marriage. Don't let your DH convince you this is normal or par for the course - it's not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of women want sex, but they also want men to work to have sex with them. That's why husbands can get confused about sex being a mutual desire.

How should men work to have sex with their wives?

Well, they shouldn't - really. Or, at least, it should just be give and take with both pursuing, both being pursued, both being decent, kind, and loving with each other, and both looking forward to getting their rocks off with one another.

*But* what we see recommended over and over and as some kind of common wisdom in the cultural generally is that men are more interested in sex than women. That men have to pursue women but not vice versa. That it's not unexpected for a wife to be disinterested in sex with her husband. And that to cause her to be interested and want to have sex with him, the husband should go above and beyond what his wife does to get him to have sex with her. Chores and date nights are the cliche examples of this.

This sort of advice is at odds with the other notion sometimes advanced - that women are just as sexual as men.

Anonymous wrote:Lots of women want sex, but they also want men to work to have sex with them. That's why husbands can get confused about sex being a mutual desire.

How should men work to have sex with their wives?

Lots of women want sex, but they also want men to work to have sex with them. That's why husbands can get confused about sex being a mutual desire.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Most women would be very happy with this....why do you think it's bad?


I have a MUCH lower sex drive than DH and we struggle with "how much is enough?" I wouldn't be happy with zero sex and romance and affection for 20 years. I don't think most women would be happy with zero sex and affection.

You say that now but in a few years you after reading one of those post about how long has it been and you will realize it's been over a year and you don't care. Most women would love this. It's not like your desire will increase over time.

No, most women would not love this. Women with low drive or medical issues might, but despite the anecdotes you might hear on this forum, that is not even close to how most women operate.

Anonymous wrote:
Most women would be very happy with this....why do you think it's bad?


I have a MUCH lower sex drive than DH and we struggle with "how much is enough?" I wouldn't be happy with zero sex and romance and affection for 20 years. I don't think most women would be happy with zero sex and affection.

You say that now but in a few years you after reading one of those post about how long has it been and you will realize it's been over a year and you don't care. Most women would love this. It's not like your desire will increase over time.

He is immature (therefore not wanting to resolve issues like a grown man), and feels trapped: sick child, no job, small kids. A combination that leads to bizarre behavior and strange talks

Anonymous wrote:He’s just not that into you. It’s really sad. When the kids are grown he’s going to leave. You should seek counseling now.

+1. He'll leave as soon as they're out of the house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I disagree with everyone saying he is gay. If that were true that would only explain the lack of sex, but not everything else. To me he sounds like he is depressed. Lack of motivation, hopelessness, no sex drive, no affection, general apathy, things that you used to take pleasure in don't make you happy anymore...all of those are symptoms of depression. I think you said he was unemployed and looking for a job? That can be very stressful and to some men doubly so because of the biological pressure to be the "provider" for his family. See if he would be open to going to a therapist on his own.

+1 - he sounds depressed. Maybe there are other issues but the way he's handling his issues is definitely coming out oas depression. Basically, life is all work, no fun.

I'm guessing that's also related to his unemployment, which can be really tough. I'd seek counseling for yourself if he won't go. What you are describing cannot go on for either of you. He might be mad about it, but the alternatives are worse.

+2, agree with both of you. OP should seek counseling for herself and hopefully can convince her husband to seek individual counseling as well.

Anonymous wrote:OP I disagree with everyone saying he is gay. If that were true that would only explain the lack of sex, but not everything else. To me he sounds like he is depressed. Lack of motivation, hopelessness, no sex drive, no affection, general apathy, things that you used to take pleasure in don't make you happy anymore...all of those are symptoms of depression. I think you said he was unemployed and looking for a job? That can be very stressful and to some men doubly so because of the biological pressure to be the "provider" for his family. See if he would be open to going to a therapist on his own.

+1 - he sounds depressed. Maybe there are other issues but the way he's handling his issues is definitely coming out oas depression. Basically, life is all work, no fun.

I'm guessing that's also related to his unemployment, which can be really tough. I'd seek counseling for yourself if he won't go. What you are describing cannot go on for either of you. He might be mad about it, but the alternatives are worse.

OP I disagree with everyone saying he is gay. If that were true that would only explain the lack of sex, but not everything else. To me he sounds like he is depressed. Lack of motivation, hopelessness, no sex drive, no affection, general apathy, things that you used to take pleasure in don't make you happy anymore...all of those are symptoms of depression. I think you said he was unemployed and looking for a job? That can be very stressful and to some men doubly so because of the biological pressure to be the "provider" for his family. See if he would be open to going to a therapist on his own.

I also thought maybe he is gay.

Like others, I'd suspect gay, having an affair or going through some sort of mental or physical illness. I'm sorry, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Most women would be very happy with this....why do you think it's bad?

I have a MUCH lower sex drive than DH and we struggle with "how much is enough?" I wouldn't be happy with zero sex and romance and affection for 20 years. I don't think most women would be happy with zero sex and affection.