How does staying in state = on a leash? I was 2 hours away, hardly ever came home, and definitely had the college experience. I even spent a year at UMD but didn't live at home - same deal.

It's not the distance, it's the attitude of the parent/child. I loved knowing my parents weren't that far away, but they certainly weren't a part of my day-to-day (or even weekly/monthly) life.

Three out of the four sibs in my family married someone they met in college and, at least initially, lived closer to their college than to their hometown. One who was out-of-state has since moved back to CA. I probably never will, though we have a DC who might end up there.

I joke with my Mom that her desire for our upward mobility led to our outward mobility and that maybe she should have thought ahead on that one! But I appreciated my parents' willingness to pay for OOS schools even though we lived in a state with a great public university system. That's probably a luxury they couldn't afford today, though I see my brother taking the same approach. We will too, but given HHI and only one kid, it's not a struggle for us. And, living in DC, we don't have the great state school option anyway.

Anonymous wrote:I think all those posters that say parents need to chill are HS students. HS students usually want to get as far away as possible -- California, Paris, London -- but when they get there and realize that home is once a year if that, they rethink it. Airplane ride is limiting to 3 times a year, and you never kw how much the fares will go up. So if the parent is paying, many say, stay in state. There are many advantages to that. You have plenty of time in grad school or later to move as far away as you want.

Your experience does not match mine in the slightest. I have personally never met an adult who has expressed the sentiment "I wish I had stayed closer to home for college," even among the dozens of friends who moved back to their home state after college.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If $1000 really sways the decision-making or your kid has health issues, then sure, limit their choices. Otherwise, let them decide for themselves. Geez.

In this country, there are far more families for whom $1000 is enough to sway decision making than than there are families for whom it isn't. If you're in the latter category, then let your kid go as far as they want, but please refrain from judging other families who may have different circumstances.

I always love these posts from the pretty-damned-well-off accusing the very-well-off from not understanding people from different circumstances. This thread started with a bunch of parents weighing in who said it was ok to condition where your kids went to college because the parents were the ones paying for college. That's silly reasoning because if you can afford to finance your child's education, you can budget for occasional travel costs, which are minor compared to tuition. This suggests that the concern over travel costs is really masking an uneasiness with the kid moving away.

It is certainly true that a huge percentage of the country could not afford to pay these travel costs. However, those folks are also not paying for their children's college tuition. Those children are financing it themselves, or have scholarships, or are not attending college.

I think all those posters that say parents need to chill are HS students. HS students usually want to get as far away as possible -- California, Paris, London -- but when they get there and realize that home is once a year if that, they rethink it. Airplane ride is limiting to 3 times a year, and you never kw how much the fares will go up. So if the parent is paying, many say, stay in state. There are many advantages to that. You have plenty of time in grad school or later to move as far away as you want.

Anonymous wrote:You can justify it however you like, but parochial is parochial. If it is about money, then there are other ways to keep costs in line. If it is about not wanting DC to get too independent, then you should talk to a therapist, pastor, etc.

Spot on

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rich people problems. I lived at home and went to State.

And in your kids college search are you expecting them/requiring them to do the same?

I will highly encourage them to do the same. Not because I'm overly attached to them, but because it's a complete waste of money to go away to college when we have fantastic schools in our own backyard. Contrary to popular belief, employers don't care where your degree comes from.

My DH lived and home and went to an average state college. He knows he missed out on a LOT of the college experience, mainly because he's very introverted and didn't push himself to get involved on campus. He strongly believes our kids should go away for school and even if they want a local school, they will be living in a dorm.

Anonymous wrote:pp, I am sorry for your horrible experience.

In an attempt to change tack, I could relate to this comment:

My parents told me I needed to go at least two hours away

My parents told us we were not to come home before Thanksgiving.
For the same reasons - to adjust.

+1 I was 3 hours away and my sister was 8 hours away. I didn't come home any more frequently than my sister, except for one Mother's Day when I surprised my mom by driving home. My parents never showed up unexpectedly but visited maybe once a school year.

The parent who feels they "need to get to their kid at a moment's notice" needs to chill and loosen the strings a bit (not talking here about students with significant medical issues that need to be managed - clearly that's a different category).

For my kids, I won't set specific geographic boundaries but they will have a $$ budget, and that will need to take transportation into account. Nice for some people that spending several thousands more on airfare is no big deal but I can think of a lot more things I'd rather spend that on, maybe put it toward a study-abroad year. We'll have saved enough to cover everything in-state (DH and I both attended our state colleges and have good careers) if they want to go someplace more expensive, they'll need merit aid. I don't want them going into debt for undergrad.

pp, I am sorry for your horrible experience.

In an attempt to change tack, I could relate to this comment:

My parents told me I needed to go at least two hours away

My parents told us we were not to come home before Thanksgiving.
For the same reasons - to adjust.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rich people problems. I lived at home and went to State.

And in your kids college search are you expecting them/requiring them to do the same?

What if she were? Why would that be such bad thing?

The vast majority of American teenagers go to college within a few hundred miles of their home. And they are no less likely to grow up and become independent than teens who go 2000 miles away.

It's neither bad or good necessarily. Just asking what the PP was requiring of her kids since that's what the thread is about, not about what expectations were for us when we went to college.

Anonymous wrote:It's a good way to keep a leash on your kid when you feel like you're losing control. If you need to get to your kid at a moment's notice, there are plenty of ways to get there but the likelihood of that happening is slim. I was 1000 miles from home and needed my mom when I was raped. I called her from the hospital at 5am and she was in my dorm room with me before lunch. It Would've taken the same amount of time to drive from the 5-6 hour distance the OP mentioned and it's probably better she wasn't driving given the circumstances. Most people won't need their parents that quickly in college. They can handle being sick on their own. If you can afford it, let your child make their own choice to go wherever they want.

Sorry to hear about what happened in college, pp. I hope all is well for you. xoxo

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rich people problems. I lived at home and went to State.

And in your kids college search are you expecting them/requiring them to do the same?

What if she were? Why would that be such bad thing?

The vast majority of American teenagers go to college within a few hundred miles of their home. And they are no less likely to grow up and become independent than teens who go 2000 miles away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rich people problems. I lived at home and went to State.

And in your kids college search are you expecting them/requiring them to do the same?

I will highly encourage them to do the same. Not because I'm overly attached to them, but because it's a complete waste of money to go away to college when we have fantastic schools in our own backyard. Contrary to popular belief, employers don't care where your degree comes from.

Ha ha, you clearly haven't been through the college process recently. I have "average" for the area kids with fully paid-up 529 plans. So, for us, we were thrilled when they both got into top 50 private colleges (but probably would have been rejected from Va Tech). And I'm not sorry that they didn't want to go to JMU or GMU (not saying there's anything wrong with those schools, just not where my kids wanted to go). So may be a waste of money for you; not a waste of money for us. People are different, you know?

I'm always amazed at the ignorance of these blanket statements. As if because it's true for you, it's true for everyone?

It's a good way to keep a leash on your kid when you feel like you're losing control. If you need to get to your kid at a moment's notice, there are plenty of ways to get there but the likelihood of that happening is slim. I was 1000 miles from home and needed my mom when I was raped. I called her from the hospital at 5am and she was in my dorm room with me before lunch. It Would've taken the same amount of time to drive from the 5-6 hour distance the OP mentioned and it's probably better she wasn't driving given the circumstances. Most people won't need their parents that quickly in college. They can handle being sick on their own. If you can afford it, let your child make their own choice to go wherever they want.

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Rich people problems. I lived at home and went to State.


And in your kids college search are you expecting them/requiring them to do the same?

I will highly encourage them to do the same. Not because I'm overly attached to them, but because it's a complete waste of money to go away to college when we have fantastic schools in our own backyard. Contrary to popular belief, employers don't care where your degree comes from.

Part of going to college is the experience of getting away from your backyard. When you go to other people's backyards, you find out they are different and you learn to adjust and understand those differences. The ability to understand and seek to understand others can be valuable to many employers.