Anonymous
Post 04/08/2015 12:02     Subject: They want us to pay for their travel
Free tickets or nothing. Put your foot down, or this won't end until they're dead.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2015 11:49     Subject: They want us to pay for their travel
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am thinking this is more about him moving away than anything else.


???

Are they the kind of ILs who think you should do all the traveling because DH moved away?

Time to end that line of thinking. Sometimes adult children move. That's life! Time to adapt to that reality and start traveling or adapt to not seeing your grandkids so often.


I sympathise. I also had the ILs who had a problem with DH moving away. Fortunately, it was still within driving distance -- for us anyway...other than our wedding, they never drove to see us, even when our babies were born (still kind of bitter about that). It's like he was the only person in 200 years to leave his hometown and they have no idea how to have a relationship with someone who doesn't live down the street. Fortunately, in our case, DH didn't care about upsetting his parents so mom's guilt trips didn't work (both MIL and FIL have since passed away)
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2015 11:49     Subject: They want us to pay for their travel
Anonymous wrote:I'm finding out that baptisms are a very big thing in DH's family. They're big to me too, but not as the social event that my IL's see them as. DC is getting baptized this summer and MIL and FIL are insisting on coming, except they want us to pay their travel expenses! (They live halfway across the country). We're not poor, but we do have very expensive childcare, and this will deplete our vacation fund plus some, which means no vacation this year and possibly next year. They also want us to throw a big party for DC. DH has told me there's no other way and he won't put his foot down with mom and dad. I've offered to fly them here on award tickets, but they "don't fly that airline, dear." I just wanted a sacrament performed and now it's costing us $1500+ at the very LEAST (we don't have room in our house for them so we'd have to put them up in a hotel as well). Am I in the wrong here?


Tell DH "We are not a charity, dear"
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2015 11:45     Subject: They want us to pay for their travel
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am thinking this is more about him moving away than anything else.


???

Are they the kind of ILs who think you should do all the traveling because DH moved away?

Time to end that line of thinking. Sometimes adult children move. That's life! Time to adapt to that reality and start traveling or adapt to not seeing your grandkids so often.


Yes, they are. His brother and sister are still local to them.


Who are all these people the ILs want to invite to a baptism party if the ILs are all out-of-town? My parents came into town for our kids' baptisms and we just went out for lunch with them after the service.

Totally agree with the others that you have a marriage issue and need to be firm about setting precedents on this. ILs get tickets with your points (which is very generous!!) or they pay. Lay out a clear plan with DH about how often you will visit his home town. In my family, I"m the one far from home and we've settled on one trip in the summer every year plus alternate xmas's. My parents come 1-2x per year (it was more when the kids were really little). I also try to make it to other special events like family weddings as much as possible, even if it means just me going, not the whole family.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2015 11:42     Subject: They want us to pay for their travel
Anonymous wrote:The bigger issue here is you DH and his inability to be reasonable about this. If he would actually pay for the tickets rather than use the free ones, he is a jerk, too.

I am afraid for you, OP. It seems like this is just the tip of a very big iceberg.

In all seriousness, it might be worth letting DH pay for the tickets to avoid a huge blow-up. But if he does that, I would insist on marriage counseling so that this could be addressed NOW.


I have to agree. It sounds like his relationship with his parents is going to have a very negative impact on your relationship with him.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2015 11:37     Subject: They want us to pay for their travel
The bigger issue here is you DH and his inability to be reasonable about this. If he would actually pay for the tickets rather than use the free ones, he is a jerk, too.

I am afraid for you, OP. It seems like this is just the tip of a very big iceberg.

In all seriousness, it might be worth letting DH pay for the tickets to avoid a huge blow-up. But if he does that, I would insist on marriage counseling so that this could be addressed NOW.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2015 11:36     Subject: They want us to pay for their travel
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How old are they OP? My In-laws are 76 and 80, and they have become shockingly incapable over the last decade during which I have known them. I can imagine them saying they didn't think they could figure out how to get to a new gate. However, they don't simultaneously ask me to pay for their tickets!


Mid-sixties.


What is with all these near helpless fifty and sixty somethings that we've been hearing about in these threads lately? I used to live in a neighborhood where 70, 80 + year old people were still mowing their own lawns and some were still cleaning their own gutters. Many were still working. I'll be right around 60 myself when my youngest graduates from college - boy I hope and pray that I am not **that** old.



One would think in the final decade or two of life the best course of action would be to establish positive memories of yourself as the wise, considerate grandparent rather then as the demanding jerk who would happily drain the wallets of their children.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2015 11:36     Subject: Re:They want us to pay for their travel
Okay, enough people have harped on the issue of the recalcitrant parents and the lack of marital negotiation.

So, if your husband is dead set on this and insists that he needs to do this, then you need to say that if you two are going to commit to this, then he needs to find a way to replenish the savings that are being used to pay for this. If he gets coffee in the morning on the way to work, he has to cut that out. If he buys lunch, he'll need to start brown-bagging. Lose cable, cut back on the cell plan, etc. He'll have to give something up to save that money and pay it back. Look for ways to save a little more. Even if it is just $100-150 per month, after a year, you'll have paid the savings back and have your vacation fund back.

Make him understand that if he wants to use the nuclear option of insisting that family funds be used in a way you don't agree with, that he'll have to make sacrifices to pay it back.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2015 11:35     Subject: They want us to pay for their travel
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am thinking this is more about him moving away than anything else.


???

Are they the kind of ILs who think you should do all the traveling because DH moved away?

Time to end that line of thinking. Sometimes adult children move. That's life! Time to adapt to that reality and start traveling or adapt to not seeing your grandkids so often.


Yes, they are. His brother and sister are still local to them.


Ah. Well, I like the PPs' argument about you and DH not making a big financial purchase without the other. In that line of thinking, figure out how often to budget for a trip to where the ILs live. Tell them that you can afford to visit 1-2 times per year, and that they're welcome to come visit you as well. Do not offer to pay for their travel. Put the ball in their court and be confident (both of you) in your feeling that it is reasonable to ask them to visit too. Don't start catering to the whole "you moved away so only you have to come visit" line of thinking.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2015 11:31     Subject: They want us to pay for their travel
The rule is that you both have veto power over large purchases, plane tickets included. This financial aspect of your marriage is absolutely a hill to die on, as a PP said, because it directly impacts your financial health.

If you frame it in that way, your husband might not shut you out instantly.

At a later date, you will also need to talk to him about boundaries and priorities. His nuclear family is the priority, not his parents. He doesn't have to acquiese to every demand.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2015 11:27     Subject: They want us to pay for their travel
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm finding out that baptisms are a very big thing in DH's family. They're big to me too, but not as the social event that my IL's see them as. DC is getting baptized this summer and MIL and FIL are insisting on coming, except they want us to pay their travel expenses! (They live halfway across the country). We're not poor, but we do have very expensive childcare, and this will deplete our vacation fund plus some, which means no vacation this year and possibly next year. They also want us to throw a big party for DC. DH has told me there's no other way and he won't put his foot down with mom and dad. I've offered to fly them here on award tickets, but they "don't fly that airline, dear." I just wanted a sacrament performed and now it's costing us $1500+ at the very LEAST (we don't have room in our house for them so we'd have to put them up in a hotel as well). Am I in the wrong here?


absofuckinglutely not.

this sounds like the dh in the other thread...if he won't put his foot down and say NO then you do it.


Oh, I did. But I can say no all I want, and he'll still buy the tickets. They live in a small town with barely any air service and it's expensive. I cringe just thinking of the cost.


OP, I hear you. But you are just barely a parent. You are looking at years of dealing with these people and it is to your DC's benefit to have a wonderful and special relationship with them. Tell them you can afford half (come on, you know you can). But I will warn you these issues will continue. You can be "that" DIL or be the bigger person for your child.


This above comment irks me. Just because she "can" doesn't mean she "should"! She also probably "can" afford to pay their car payments, or their mortgage, if she sacrifices other things. The point is that her in-laws are acting entitled to her money and they aren't.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2015 11:27     Subject: They want us to pay for their travel
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am thinking this is more about him moving away than anything else.


???

Are they the kind of ILs who think you should do all the traveling because DH moved away?

Time to end that line of thinking. Sometimes adult children move. That's life! Time to adapt to that reality and start traveling or adapt to not seeing your grandkids so often.


Yes, they are. His brother and sister are still local to them.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2015 11:26     Subject: They want us to pay for their travel
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm finding out that baptisms are a very big thing in DH's family. They're big to me too, but not as the social event that my IL's see them as. DC is getting baptized this summer and MIL and FIL are insisting on coming, except they want us to pay their travel expenses! (They live halfway across the country). We're not poor, but we do have very expensive childcare, and this will deplete our vacation fund plus some, which means no vacation this year and possibly next year. They also want us to throw a big party for DC. DH has told me there's no other way and he won't put his foot down with mom and dad. I've offered to fly them here on award tickets, but they "don't fly that airline, dear." I just wanted a sacrament performed and now it's costing us $1500+ at the very LEAST (we don't have room in our house for them so we'd have to put them up in a hotel as well). Am I in the wrong here?


absofuckinglutely not.

this sounds like the dh in the other thread...if he won't put his foot down and say NO then you do it.


Oh, I did. But I can say no all I want, and he'll still buy the tickets. They live in a small town with barely any air service and it's expensive. I cringe just thinking of the cost.


This above comment irks me. Just because she "can" doesn't mean she "should"! She also probably "can" afford to pay their car payments, or their mortgage, if she sacrifices other things. The point is that her in-laws are acting entitled to her money and they aren't.

OP, I hear you. But you are just barely a parent. You are looking at years of dealing with these people and it is to your DC's benefit to have a wonderful and special relationship with them. Tell them you can afford half (come on, you know you can). But I will warn you these issues will continue. You can be "that" DIL or be the bigger person for your child.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2015 11:25     Subject: They want us to pay for their travel
Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am thinking this is more about him moving away than anything else.


Moving away? I must have missed something.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2015 11:24     Subject: They want us to pay for their travel
Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am thinking this is more about him moving away than anything else.


???

Are they the kind of ILs who think you should do all the traveling because DH moved away?

Time to end that line of thinking. Sometimes adult children move. That's life! Time to adapt to that reality and start traveling or adapt to not seeing your grandkids so often.