Anonymous wrote:The Midwest comment makes me laugh--a good friend has in-laws in the Midwest and they are AWFUL. Fox News on 24/7 and racist rants at dinner. Terrible, terrible cooking (think Jello and green bean salads). A total refusal to do or try anything new.

My in-laws are from New England. They are warm, hospitable people. Their personalities drive me nuts in many ways, but we get along fine. The occasional issue with my FIL, who can be loud and inconsiderate, and my in-laws are constitutionally incapable of planning anything in advance, which can be really frustrating and annoying, but again, they are nice, welcoming people.

Not sure what "The Midwest" has to do with this. People are people -- left, right, generous, cheap, etc., regardless of where they live.

Anonymous wrote:We get along fine. They irritate me sometimes, but then so do my parents and I love them dearly.

+1 -- They raised my husband, a wonderful man; they love and cherish my children. Sheesh -- how ungrateful would it be not to cut them some slack every once in a while?!

FWIW, I've been married almost 25 years and our oldest is a recent college grad. He and his girlfriend have been together for two years and have recently made the choice to attend the same medical school. They're not engaged, but it wouldn't surprise me if they got married after med school. As I've gotten closer to the idea of being a MIL myself, I've been more appreciative of my in-laws' kindness and less picky about the things that bug me. I'm hoping the karma will come around . . .

I get along well enough with both. They have their moments of bring irritata ring but they are both gOod people

yes, I get along w/ and adore my ILs, despite and because of their many quirks...my own parents' quirks annoy me no end but my ILs' quirks I just find endearing and funny.

i also really admire my ILs because they are genuinely kind, interested, fun, open-minded and loving people. im much faster to find fault w my own parents than my in-laws and I know I'm really lucky to have the ILs I do

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love and respect my IL's and I get along with them just fine. BUT, I could never live with them as they would test my patience beyond the limits.

I believe one of the prime reasons people don't get along or like their IL's is they can't handle the differences and dynamics and feel the need to change them.

I tend to think the the masses want it their way, if that is what you are saying. I don't think any wife goes into a new family thinking they will all change for her; but I do think that ILs tend to believe that the new wife should "adapt" (not really) to them, as there are more of them. Sort of a bully mentality, which is inevitably troublesome.

I do think that MILs are reasonably expected to behave older and wiser: including patience, warmth, welcomeness, assistance, support (in action, not words) and positive attitude. DILs are not like the old days; they are now more their own person, with their own lives, and less apt to "go along just to get along". People do not tend to marry local, or even regional these days. MILs need to support that, and allow margins for error, instead of thinking that MIL-hood is a dictatorship. A real family just not a dictatorship, even if MILs marriage is or was. Rigid MILs are not going to make any friends with a young, accomplished, educated, spunky DIL.

I completely agree with this!

I try to see the good in mine but they regularly drive me nuts. My MIL is uptight, close-minded and judgmental. Not a great combo if you ask me. For some very weird reason she is hyper critical of children and holds them up to unreasonable expectations. Just the other day she was looking to commiserate with me about a 6 year old in our family who left a soda can in her bathroom over Easter. She told me this in the most incredulous, judgmental tone, and was completely looking for me to join in and say how terrible this was. Easter was weeks ago and she is still talking about this! She complained for over a year about the time a cousin's three year old dropped a piece of cake on one of her newly upholstered chairs.

I try to see the good in her, but its hard to love someone who acts this way.

Anonymous wrote:I love and respect my IL's and I get along with them just fine. BUT, I could never live with them as they would test my patience beyond the limits.

I believe one of the prime reasons people don't get along or like their IL's is they can't handle the differences and dynamics and feel the need to change them.

I tend to think the the masses want it their way, if that is what you are saying. I don't think any wife goes into a new family thinking they will all change for her; but I do think that ILs tend to believe that the new wife should "adapt" (not really) to them, as there are more of them. Sort of a bully mentality, which is inevitably troublesome.

I do think that MILs are reasonably expected to behave older and wiser: including patience, warmth, welcomeness, assistance, support (in action, not words) and positive attitude. DILs are not like the old days; they are now more their own person, with their own lives, and less apt to "go along just to get along". People do not tend to marry local, or even regional these days. MILs need to support that, and allow margins for error, instead of thinking that MIL-hood is a dictatorship. A real family just not a dictatorship, even if MILs marriage is or was. Rigid MILs are not going to make any friends with a young, accomplished, educated, spunky DIL.

I love and respect my IL's and I get along with them just fine. BUT, I could never live with them as they would test my patience beyond the limits.

I believe one of the prime reasons people don't get along or like their IL's is they can't handle the differences and dynamics and feel the need to change them.

MIL jokes have been around since Roman times (yes, just read it on wikipedia). Sometimes I wonder if the -IL relationship is doomed from the beginning because of all the sitcoms, movies, jokes, horrible stories, etc. You grow up hearing how bad the in-laws are. I read a story that 60% of women are stressed over the MIL relationship. Some of that has to be due to society saying it's stressful and MILs are evil.

Personally, I didn't have issues with the x-in-laws. It was their child I had issues with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree, everyone has their sh*t. But owning it is most of the battle. My ILs sit around like they have all had lobotomies, and no one is supposed to air anything, except if you are a peripheral visitor; in which case, they will flat out ask you personal questions. Ridiculous.

If my ILs owned their oppressive baggage, and knew how to laugh once in a while (note: not at others' expense - not that I should have to point that out), and be warm and inclusive......well, then I would know that I married into another family entirely. My ILs are just painful to be around. They are far too introspective, yet don't own their sh*t. Explain that one.

No, I'll pass, thank you.

OMG - I could have WRITTEN THIS save for the introspection piece, I think they have no idea how dysfunctional they all are - including BIL. The oppressive nature of the 18 elephants in the room none of us are allowed to acknowledge yet which literally drive every single discussion makes me need a xanax 100 miles away. If we lived any closer I'd have blown up a long time ago. Have any of you dealt with this successfully? I'm a really "heart on my sleeve, honesty if the best policy" so it is particularly painful for me to nod and not explode. Maybe I should start my own thread for advice.

PP here. You are not alone. I am presuming that anyone with such baggage as my ILs must be introspective, so I stand corrected in that regard. Could it be that anyone is so clueless as to not see their glaring issues? They barely talk to each other, except the women are tight, unless you are a SIL (I'm the only one; BILs refuse to marry, no wonder). It is not me, as outsiders (see above) notice it immediately. It is clannish and quite awful. What would be the opposite of warm and fuzzy?

Not trying to derail OPs thread, so my apologies if I seem to be. Just trying to elaborate on why some people do not get along with their ILs, in hopes that people who do might chime in and assist. But I, too, am not sure - it may deserve its own thread.

Anonymous wrote:I agree, everyone has their sh*t. But owning it is most of the battle. My ILs sit around like they have all had lobotomies, and no one is supposed to air anything, except if you are a peripheral visitor; in which case, they will flat out ask you personal questions. Ridiculous.

If my ILs owned their oppressive baggage, and knew how to laugh once in a while (note: not at others' expense - not that I should have to point that out), and be warm and inclusive......well, then I would know that I married into another family entirely. My ILs are just painful to be around. They are far too introspective, yet don't own their sh*t. Explain that one.

No, I'll pass, thank you.

OMG - I could have WRITTEN THIS save for the introspection piece, I think they have no idea how dysfunctional they all are - including BIL. The oppressive nature of the 18 elephants in the room none of us are allowed to acknowledge yet which literally drive every single discussion makes me need a xanax 100 miles away. If we lived any closer I'd have blown up a long time ago. Have any of you dealt with this successfully? I'm a really "heart on my sleeve, honesty if the best policy" so it is particularly painful for me to nod and not explode. Maybe I should start my own thread for advice.

I get along with them well enough, but my Mom and DH literally adore each other. I almost have to leave the room some times.

I do. And that could be because they live in another country.

My SIL adores her ILs - and that is because they are dead.

I love mine because they live 11 hr flight away and don't come to visit often. FIL I love slightly more because he is sane and thoughtful.

I agree, everyone has their sh*t. But owning it is most of the battle. My ILs sit around like they have all had lobotomies, and no one is supposed to air anything, except if you are a peripheral visitor; in which case, they will flat out ask you personal questions. Ridiculous.

If my ILs owned their oppressive baggage, and knew how to laugh once in a while (note: not at others' expense - not that I should have to point that out), and be warm and inclusive......well, then I would know that I married into another family entirely. My ILs are just painful to be around. They are far too introspective, yet don't own their sh*t. Explain that one.

No, I'll pass, thank you.