Anonymous
03/26/2015 10:00
Subject: Re:Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My mother always told me when I hurt her feelings. She was so important to me, as a child, that I became afraid to do anything that might hurt her.
By the time I was a teenager, I developed near-fatal anorexia as the only way to control my own life and emotions. (Shrinks told me it all centered around fear of hurting my mother and fear of growing up because of it).
Just my experience and I would NEVER do the same to my kids. Ever.
Wow - in what contexts did she say it. I mean, certainly it wasn't limited to "wow, when you told me my face looks ugly, larla, it hurts my feelings." but maybe more like "when you didn't give me a hug it hurts my feelings..." I really don't see anything wrong with the first, but not the second. So I am curious about what made it so difficult in your case.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this, and big hugs to you. Bravo to recovering from your disease.
PP here. My mother would always make it about her -- not that what I was doing or had said was right or wrong but what her emotional reaction to it was. She told me that she cried when I wanted to stay with my grandmother and not her when I was two. She constantly told me that I embarrassed her or hurt her.
Thank you for your supportive comments. However my issues with food will never be normal although I am very grateful to be alive.
Anonymous
03/26/2015 10:00
Subject: Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No. He is not responsible for my feelings. I will focus on his behavior, and tell him when things are not okay or not acceptable, but I'm not going to make a child responsible for an adult's feelings.
This.
Huh. That's interesting. I will say that when there is an insult - like "this dinner is yucky." I say, Larla, it hurts my feelings when you say mean things about the food I make. You don't have to eat it, but please be nice. ' Literally within a day the negative comments about the food stopped. I think my 4 year old is old enough to know why things aren't acceptable. You're not supposed to be rude because you don't want to hurt other people's feelings, right? Otherwise it's just an arbitrary set of rules.
Larla, you're being rude and ungrateful. I spent a lot of time and effort to put this food on the table. Tomorrow you're responsible for making dinner for the family.
And let her go to bed hungry.
You don't ask to "please don't hurt feelings" - she is supposed to respect her parents and act like it.
Anonymous
03/26/2015 09:57
Subject: Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No. He is not responsible for my feelings. I will focus on his behavior, and tell him when things are not okay or not acceptable, but I'm not going to make a child responsible for an adult's feelings.
This.
Huh. That's interesting. I will say that when there is an insult - like "this dinner is yucky." I say, Larla, it hurts my feelings when you say mean things about the food I make. You don't have to eat it, but please be nice. ' Literally within a day the negative comments about the food stopped. I think my 4 year old is old enough to know why things aren't acceptable. You're not supposed to be rude because you don't want to hurt other people's feelings, right? Otherwise it's just an arbitrary set of rules.
Also wanted to add - it would never occur to me to say "you hurt my feelings" when DD says "you're not my friend" or whatever. I just respond "that's okay, I'm still your mom!" Probably because DD and I have an otherwise very secure and strong relationship I didn't think that telling her to not make rude comments about the food was problematic at all. We also talk about how things we say to others could hurt their feelings, by making comments about their appearance or whatever, but not in an attacking way.
Anonymous
03/26/2015 09:56
Subject: Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?
OP - I pointed out hurt feelings, I'd say, more starting when they were in middle school. Now in college and beyond, I insist that my feelings be equally important to theirs.
Anonymous
03/26/2015 09:51
Subject: Re:Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?
Anonymous wrote:My mother always told me when I hurt her feelings. She was so important to me, as a child, that I became afraid to do anything that might hurt her.
By the time I was a teenager, I developed near-fatal anorexia as the only way to control my own life and emotions. (Shrinks told me it all centered around fear of hurting my mother and fear of growing up because of it).
Just my experience and I would NEVER do the same to my kids. Ever.
Wow - in what contexts did she say it. I mean, certainly it wasn't limited to "wow, when you told me my face looks ugly, larla, it hurts my feelings." but maybe more like "when you didn't give me a hug it hurts my feelings..." I really don't see anything wrong with the first, but not the second. So I am curious about what made it so difficult in your case.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this, and big hugs to you. Bravo to recovering from your disease.
Anonymous
03/26/2015 09:50
Subject: Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My kids don't hurt my feelings. They just blab the dumbest shit when they're mad, how can you even take it seriously?
Well, your child will be the one without social graces or friends when they get older, because you never took seriously your responsibility to teach them how to properly manage their feelings. By all means, just let them lash out with "dumb shit." Disrespect starts at home and extends from there.
No I correct them by saying "you're not allowed to talk to people like that." But in my head my own feelings are never hurt. I think it's pretty pathetic if a 3 year old can hurt your feelings.
Do you explain to them WHY they are not allowed to talk like that?
You over-reactors are imaging conversations in which mom breaks down into tears and throws a fit in reaction to something a child said, and then wanders around all day in a mopey mood letting it affect them to their core. What drama queens. Of course this is not what people are suggesting here. You can say, "your words hurt my feelings and that is not a kind way to speak to people." This is DISCIPLINE. This is TEACHING. This is MODELING an appropriate way to handle yourself when your feelings are hurt. To call this abusive or damaging is complete and utter nonsense by people who are not exercising common sense. Good grief.
To be clear, I have never said I think it's abusive or mean to tell a kid they hurt your feelings. It's not- it just makes you look weak. If my kid says something like I WISH I HAD ANOTHER MOM!, it doesn't hurt my feelings. First of all she's bullshitting and second of all, I'm the adult. If I say "that hurts my feewings," I've now brought myself down to a 5 year old's level. She didn't hurt my feelings.
I absolutely reinforce being kind to others and speaking appropriately and not acting like a jerk and my kids are actually very well mannered and don't tend to act like jerks. When they do, they're called out in it, but never in a context that lets them think they have power over me. Actually as far as they should be concerned, I don't have feelings. I'm all-knowing and just and objective.
Wow. Okay. Our children should never think we have feelings. Yep, that seems healthy.
I've got to check out of this thread now b/c there is no way to have a discussion with people who think that showing your children your own humanity is "weak."
I agree with the PP. Children need to know that their parents are there for them 100% in all circumstances and that we are strong. I would no more tell my three-year-old that he hurt my feelings than I would tell him that I was terrified and wanted to cry when I took him to the ER to get stitches.
I want my kids to know that they can depend on me.
I'm pretty sure my child knows he can depend on me, and he trusts me precisely because I do show him that I too am human and have feelings and make mistakes. I think that giving them the idea that you are all powerful and omnipotent is a mistake but hey badass, have at it. I guess I am weak.
Anonymous
03/26/2015 09:48
Subject: Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My kids don't hurt my feelings. They just blab the dumbest shit when they're mad, how can you even take it seriously?
Well, your child will be the one without social graces or friends when they get older, because you never took seriously your responsibility to teach them how to properly manage their feelings. By all means, just let them lash out with "dumb shit." Disrespect starts at home and extends from there.
No I correct them by saying "you're not allowed to talk to people like that." But in my head my own feelings are never hurt. I think it's pretty pathetic if a 3 year old can hurt your feelings.
Do you explain to them WHY they are not allowed to talk like that?
You over-reactors are imaging conversations in which mom breaks down into tears and throws a fit in reaction to something a child said, and then wanders around all day in a mopey mood letting it affect them to their core. What drama queens. Of course this is not what people are suggesting here. You can say, "your words hurt my feelings and that is not a kind way to speak to people." This is DISCIPLINE. This is TEACHING. This is MODELING an appropriate way to handle yourself when your feelings are hurt. To call this abusive or damaging is complete and utter nonsense by people who are not exercising common sense. Good grief.
To be clear, I have never said I think it's abusive or mean to tell a kid they hurt your feelings. It's not- it just makes you look weak. If my kid says something like I WISH I HAD ANOTHER MOM!, it doesn't hurt my feelings. First of all she's bullshitting and second of all, I'm the adult. If I say "that hurts my feewings," I've now brought myself down to a 5 year old's level. She didn't hurt my feelings.
I absolutely reinforce being kind to others and speaking appropriately and not acting like a jerk and my kids are actually very well mannered and don't tend to act like jerks. When they do, they're called out in it, but never in a context that lets them think they have power over me. Actually as far as they should be concerned, I don't have feelings. I'm all-knowing and just and objective.
Wow. Okay. Our children should never think we have feelings. Yep, that seems healthy.
I've got to check out of this thread now b/c there is no way to have a discussion with people who think that showing your children your own humanity is "weak."
I agree with the PP. Children need to know that their parents are there for them 100% in all circumstances and that we are strong. I would no more tell my three-year-old that he hurt my feelings than I would tell him that I was terrified and wanted to cry when I took him to the ER to get stitches.
I want my kids to know that they can depend on me.
Anonymous
03/26/2015 09:48
Subject: Re:Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I assumed on a forum for infants to five-year-old that OP was talking about infants to five-year-olds.
No, I would never tell my infant to 5 year old that he/she hurt my feelings.
This is general parenting. Where does it say that this particular forum is only for parents of 0-5 year olds?
Right in the description of the thread.
"This forum is for general discussion of parenting topics related to newborns through school-aged children. Please post questions pertaining to older kids, schools, nannies, babysitters, etc. in the relevant forums. "
School-aged does not imply 0-5, since school proper does not even begin until 5 years old.
? What else would it imply but before the child started school? Which is generally at the age of five or six.
To me it implies up to children who are elementary school aged. But point taken given how Jeff has worded the "Older Kids" forum. I don't personally think of early elementary aged children as "older." There is a huge developmental difference between age 5 and age 18, so lumping them all together in one forum makes no sense to me.
I guess since my child is 5 I won't post here anymore so as not to offend any new parents.
Anonymous
03/26/2015 09:47
Subject: Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No. He is not responsible for my feelings. I will focus on his behavior, and tell him when things are not okay or not acceptable, but I'm not going to make a child responsible for an adult's feelings.
This.
Huh. That's interesting. I will say that when there is an insult - like "this dinner is yucky." I say, Larla, it hurts my feelings when you say mean things about the food I make. You don't have to eat it, but please be nice. ' Literally within a day the negative comments about the food stopped. I think my 4 year old is old enough to know why things aren't acceptable. You're not supposed to be rude because you don't want to hurt other people's feelings, right? Otherwise it's just an arbitrary set of rules.
Anonymous
03/26/2015 09:47
Subject: Re:Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?
newborns through school-aged children. Please post questions pertaining to older kids, schools, nannies, babysitters, etc. in the relevant forums. "
School-aged does not imply 0-5, since school proper does not even begin until 5 years old.
? What else would it imply but before the child started school? Which is generally at the age of five or six.
So if your school told you that an event was for "grades K through 2," you would assume 2nd graders were being excluded vs. included?
Anonymous
03/26/2015 09:45
Subject: Re:Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I assumed on a forum for infants to five-year-old that OP was talking about infants to five-year-olds.
No, I would never tell my infant to 5 year old that he/she hurt my feelings.
This is general parenting. Where does it say that this particular forum is only for parents of 0-5 year olds?
Right in the description of the thread.
"This forum is for general discussion of parenting topics related to newborns through school-aged children. Please post questions pertaining to older kids, schools, nannies, babysitters, etc. in the relevant forums. "
School-aged does not imply 0-5, since school proper does not even begin until 5 years old.
? What else would it imply but before the child started school? Which is generally at the age of five or six.
Anonymous
03/26/2015 09:44
Subject: Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My kids don't hurt my feelings. They just blab the dumbest shit when they're mad, how can you even take it seriously?
Well, your child will be the one without social graces or friends when they get older, because you never took seriously your responsibility to teach them how to properly manage their feelings. By all means, just let them lash out with "dumb shit." Disrespect starts at home and extends from there.
No I correct them by saying "you're not allowed to talk to people like that." But in my head my own feelings are never hurt. I think it's pretty pathetic if a 3 year old can hurt your feelings.
Do you explain to them WHY they are not allowed to talk like that?
You over-reactors are imaging conversations in which mom breaks down into tears and throws a fit in reaction to something a child said, and then wanders around all day in a mopey mood letting it affect them to their core. What drama queens. Of course this is not what people are suggesting here. You can say, "your words hurt my feelings and that is not a kind way to speak to people." This is DISCIPLINE. This is TEACHING. This is MODELING an appropriate way to handle yourself when your feelings are hurt. To call this abusive or damaging is complete and utter nonsense by people who are not exercising common sense. Good grief.
To be clear, I have never said I think it's abusive or mean to tell a kid they hurt your feelings. It's not- it just makes you look weak. If my kid says something like I WISH I HAD ANOTHER MOM!, it doesn't hurt my feelings. First of all she's bullshitting and second of all, I'm the adult. If I say "that hurts my feewings," I've now brought myself down to a 5 year old's level. She didn't hurt my feelings.
I absolutely reinforce being kind to others and speaking appropriately and not acting like a jerk and my kids are actually very well mannered and don't tend to act like jerks. When they do, they're called out in it, but never in a context that lets them think they have power over me. Actually as far as they should be concerned, I don't have feelings. I'm all-knowing and just and objective.
Wow. Okay. Our children should never think we have feelings. Yep, that seems healthy.
I've got to check out of this thread now b/c there is no way to have a discussion with people who think that showing your children your own humanity is "weak."
Anonymous
03/26/2015 09:40
Subject: Re:Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I assumed on a forum for infants to five-year-old that OP was talking about infants to five-year-olds.
No, I would never tell my infant to 5 year old that he/she hurt my feelings.
This is general parenting. Where does it say that this particular forum is only for parents of 0-5 year olds?
Right in the description of the thread.
"This forum is for general discussion of parenting topics related to newborns through school-aged children. Please post questions pertaining to older kids, schools, nannies, babysitters, etc. in the relevant forums. "
School-aged does not imply 0-5, since school proper does not even begin until 5 years old.
Anonymous
03/26/2015 09:38
Subject: Re:Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I assumed on a forum for infants to five-year-old that OP was talking about infants to five-year-olds.
No, I would never tell my infant to 5 year old that he/she hurt my feelings.
This is general parenting. Where does it say that this particular forum is only for parents of 0-5 year olds?
Right in the description of the thread.
"This forum is for general discussion of parenting topics related to newborns through school-aged children. Please post questions pertaining to older kids, schools, nannies, babysitters, etc. in the relevant forums. "
Anonymous
03/26/2015 09:33
Subject: Re:Do you, the mother, tell your child when he/she has hurt your feelings?
Anonymous wrote:I assumed on a forum for infants to five-year-old that OP was talking about infants to five-year-olds.
No, I would never tell my infant to 5 year old that he/she hurt my feelings.
This is general parenting. Where does it say that this particular forum is only for parents of 0-5 year olds?