More people loving your kids and influencing them in positive ways is a great thing. I was a SAHM for the first 5 years but certainly wasn't my kids' only influence -- they went to preschool, attended Sunday school, had babysitters, spent time with other adults in our circle, extended family etc.

I chose to SAH because DH & I wanted to enjoy a more relaxed lifestyle for our family and I was lucky to be able to freelance so I could keep up my career at a low level, not because I'd have felt guilty about putting kids in childcare. My kids are 10 & 12 now and their friends are a mix of kids who were in FT childcare and those who had SAHMs and you'd have no idea who did which.

I felt a little guilty at first but we needed my salary and health insurance. As they got older and found places they love, I stopped feeling guilty. Eating lunch with friends at work and having adult conversations without kids around keeps me sane. My oldest is in elementary school and I feel more guilty about not being active in his class like the SAHMs. He often wishes I could volunteer more but my job isn't flexible.

I understand where you are coming from but think "influencing" is not quite the right word. I feel bad that I'm not the one there all the time when my DD needs or wants me, and I feel a little pang of jealousy that other people are with her when I can't be. But I don't feel bad that they are "influencing" her. I think it's good that she get different inputs and think the teachers are excellent people and great caregivers, so I actually am happy she's being influenced by them. They are also from a different ethnicity than we are, so I like the fact that they are "influencing" her in this way by teaching other traditions and language skills.

But I also wonder sometimes if she isn't as close to me as she might be if I were around her all day, and I am a little sensitive to whether she is happy to see me when I pick her up or not. But I know that's about ME and not about her, and that's something I will deal with myself. It's definitely hard, but I don't think I'd be a better parent or any happier if I could stay home with her.

Anonymous wrote:I was lucky I didn't need strangers raising my kids.

To bad your kids were unlucky they got a witch for a mother.

Haven't read the other posts yet.

I don't feel at all guilty about sending my son to daycare/preschool. He's been at the same place since starting there at 6m and is now 4.5y. All the providers and teachers are wonderful (ok there was one assistant I didn't care for but I think that was more of a personality issue). My son loves it there. And there are so many great kids and families there.

I really think going there has enriched his life and exposed him to more people, etc. and taught him more then if I had stayed home with him. Ideally I'd have slightly shorter days/or at least a shorter commute but that's as much for me. My DH is a teacher so picks him up.

I really don't think they have shaped him more than DH and I have. It's clear to me that we remain the biggest influence on him (at least for now!)

Let go of the guilt, it's toxic and will only leave you depressed. Plenty of kids have gone through daycare and turned out very well. I went to daycare for a short time and never thought anything about it. I actually still know my daycare teacher also and have seen her a few times over the years.

My daughter attends a very good daycare and several of the kids have gone on to skip grades and become high achievers in elementary school. She reads pretty good at at 4 and is a very happy and outgoing girl. She seems to have a good time at school too. I worry more about when they will be older in middle school and high school and have face harsher situations.

No guilt here. My children are my absolute number one priority and they know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. They are loved unconditionally and raised according to the rules and values my husband and I share. They are more than provided for and have numerous opportunities that other children can only dream about. The have wonderful, loving and supportive extended family and friends.

And Daycare has been instrumental to all this. Their teachers are like family to us. They have helped us identify the strengths and weaknesses of children. They have taught me things I would have never known otherwise. They let me know when something is normal, when I might need to be concerned, when I need to let up, or when I need to watch out. Their advice and experience has absolutely helped me be a better parent.

I worked part time until my DS was around 4. I have more guilt about the effect on his health, and that the daycare provider said he wouldn't drink my pumped breastmilk. I'm not sure it influenced his personality long term though. If anything it may have made him more social.

Our son goes to a fantastic daycare. He is exposed to art, music, science and culture on a daily basis. His teachers are both caring and professional and his daycare friends are a great bunch of kids. Even if one of us could afford to stay home with him he would not get the education, stimulation and social environment that his daycare provides. I don't feel the slightest bit guilty. We are providing him with the very best experience that our circumstances allow.

Anonymous wrote:I was lucky I didn't need strangers raising my kids.

I guess you must home school because you don't need "strangers" teaching your kids.

I do sometimes feel guilty, but it has faded over time for sure. Our 2.5 year old loves going and seeing her friends and doing all of the activities and projects her daycare providers plan for them. They play outside all the time and she gets to interact with so many kids around her age which would be more difficult for me to arrange myself if I stayed at home. She didn't start daycare until 14 months and I felt really guilty at first, but she has really thrived there so I think I would feel more guilty keeping her home now. Our almost 9-month-old son started around 6.5 months. I felt really guilty having to start him then since we started DD so much later, but it just couldn't work out the same this time and he is so happy there. He gets so excited to get down on the ground and start playing with the toys when we drop him off. I think it also helps that DH and I take a day during the week (both professors so we have flexibility) so DD only goes 4 days a week and DS only goes 3 days a week.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised there are not more responders who do feel some/more guilt.

Maybe because those who would feel guilty are choosing to be sahms.

From talking to other moms (not just reading crazy INternets) I'm not surprised. Many of the silent majority don't feel guilty for choosing to value ourselves and our families by continuing to work with good quality daycare.

I like and care about my job, and I think I have a good daycare, but I do feel really guilty. On the other hand, I think she gets a lot of good out of it - social contact, more developmental stimulation than I could offer, etc. I just wish she were there maybe 20 hours per week rather than 40...

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised there are not more responders who do feel some/more guilt.

Maybe because those who would feel guilty are choosing to be sahms.

2.5 year old DS is in daycare 3 days a week and has been since he was 20 months. No guilt. I love his teacher, the director, and the other teachers there. The center is small and fantastic. I have seen my son flourish in ways that can only be attributed to daycare.