Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 10:18     Subject: not so subtle weight comments from DH ruining my vacation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: Did your vows say, "Till death or fat do us part?"

Did you disclose your refusal to love and respect her if her body shape would change?

Have you ever actually observed, say, human beings to see how people typically age? What percentage of people look as attractive after 30 years? Why would you marry someone for life assuming they would look even remotely the same after decades?



No my vows did not say that. But loss of physical attraction causes a marriage to deteriorate over time, and the spouse who chooses to get fat needs to know their role in the situation. Intimacy slows down. Resentments build. You begin to notice that dreamy new person at work.

Aging is 100% unavoidable, but getting fat is 100% avoidable. Don't confuse the things about our appearance that cannot be controlled versus those that can.

It is quite reasonable to think that if you marry somebody who is thin and exercises regularly, this person would continue to want to remain thin and to exercise after 30 years.


Actually, it's not all that reasonable. Because after creating 3 humans from scratch and going through menopause, pretty much all bodies change. You may be thin, but you still have wrinkles and your face looks old.

Pigs like you use any excuse. How disgusting!


You keep equating fatness with age. Wrong!
Of course bodies change from age, that is inevitable! Wrinkles and such are not within one's own control.
But fatness absolutely is NOT inevitable, it is a choice.
Pigs like me use any excuse for what?
I stay physically active (and thin/fit) despite my age, and I'm disgusting because I expect some level of similar effort, some modest degree of self-care, some continued attempt to remain age-appropriately attractive, from my partner?
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 09:53     Subject: Re:not so subtle weight comments from DH ruining my vacation
I have to explain this from a male perspective. I have a wife who I love very much. She is the mother of my children, but she complains all the time about being fat. She doesn't feel sexy, and our intimacy is non existent. She doesn't want me to touch her because she feels disgusting. Ok. The only thing standing in the way of our ability to have a healthy marriage is food. I wish so badly that she would make better food choices...not for me, but for her. Once she starts to lose and feel better about herself, we hopefully will get back on track because I miss my wife. I miss holding her. Unfortunately, that is not the case. While she rejects me, she keeps eating more which makes her feel worse, which makes our relationship worse. I need to do something, because the path we are on is not working. I see her buying and eating the foods that will make her fat, the foods that make her miserable, the foods that are ruining our relationship. I feel like at this point I have to say something. Partly because I am frustrated and partly because I want her to know that she is sabotaging herself.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 08:46     Subject: not so subtle weight comments from DH ruining my vacation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: Did your vows say, "Till death or fat do us part?"

Did you disclose your refusal to love and respect her if her body shape would change?

Have you ever actually observed, say, human beings to see how people typically age? What percentage of people look as attractive after 30 years? Why would you marry someone for life assuming they would look even remotely the same after decades?



No my vows did not say that. But loss of physical attraction causes a marriage to deteriorate over time, and the spouse who chooses to get fat needs to know their role in the situation. Intimacy slows down. Resentments build. You begin to notice that dreamy new person at work.

Aging is 100% unavoidable, but getting fat is 100% avoidable. Don't confuse the things about our appearance that cannot be controlled versus those that can.

It is quite reasonable to think that if you marry somebody who is thin and exercises regularly, this person would continue to want to remain thin and to exercise after 30 years.


Seriously - sometimes I come here and read about these awful husbands and give mine a big hug - it renews my appreciation that he's such a Genuinely Good Guy.


Actually, it's not all that reasonable. Because after creating 3 humans from scratch and going through menopause, pretty much all bodies change. You may be thin, but you still have wrinkles and your face looks old.

Pigs like you use any excuse. How disgusting!
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 08:42     Subject: Re:not so subtle weight comments from DH ruining my vacation
I don't know why women think it is acceptable to remain in a relationship in which she is belittled.

About 20 years ago I was in therapy and worried that I was too fat to attract a mate and my therapist said, "Look at me. Am I heavier than you?" She was, there was no denying it. She told me, "My husband loves me exactly the way I am."

That really stuck with me.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 08:37     Subject: not so subtle weight comments from DH ruining my vacation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: Did your vows say, "Till death or fat do us part?"

Did you disclose your refusal to love and respect her if her body shape would change?

Have you ever actually observed, say, human beings to see how people typically age? What percentage of people look as attractive after 30 years? Why would you marry someone for life assuming they would look even remotely the same after decades?



No my vows did not say that. But loss of physical attraction causes a marriage to deteriorate over time, and the spouse who chooses to get fat needs to know their role in the situation. Intimacy slows down. Resentments build. You begin to notice that dreamy new person at work.

Aging is 100% unavoidable, but getting fat is 100% avoidable. Don't confuse the things about our appearance that cannot be controlled versus those that can.

It is quite reasonable to think that if you marry somebody who is thin and exercises regularly, this person would continue to want to remain thin and to exercise after 30 years.


Actually, it's not all that reasonable. Because after creating 3 humans from scratch and going through menopause, pretty much all bodies change. You may be thin, but you still have wrinkles and your face looks old.

Pigs like you use any excuse. How disgusting!
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 08:37     Subject: Re:not so subtle weight comments from DH ruining my vacation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am afraid to tell him because it will open the door to him truly insulting me and I don't think I can take it.


You can take it.

I used to be fat. You know what helped me not be fat anymore? Standing up for myself. It really helps a whole lot, because you learn to express and assert yourself, instead of eat it (feeling, food, whatever).

I get that it can be hard, but your body image, self worth, weight, and relationship will not be improved here. Not even a bit. You gotta communicate and talk and be strong.

+1 You really are stronger than you give yourself credit for. I used to be fat as well but then I stopped looking outward for my self esteem.


Not OP, and I'm asking seriously, how did you do this? Like the very first step? Did you lose weight and then start feeling better about yourself.

For me, stressful times, especially at work = Diet Coke and M&Ms.

To OP, I'm so sorry.


The process went something like this for me:

1) got really angry, fed up, and frustrated with people

2) "confronted" those people. Not in an aggressive way, but in a polite yet firm way; got completely dismissed by them

3) got even more angry. joined a gym to listen to angry music and zone out and get out some of that anger

4) huh. look at that. I'm losing weight. feel awesome, because I stood up for myself, am now getting some happy endorphins from the exercise, and all my clothes are too big! cool!

5) continue. still eat m&m's, ice cream, cookies, etc sometimes. but exercise it away. mostly because it feels good, but also to release stress, frustration, and feel toughass with that sweat.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 08:26     Subject: not so subtle weight comments from DH ruining my vacation
This actually has nothing to do with weight. Zero.

If she was skinny there would be something else he would be pointing out. OP, you have to say something to him because this is completely cruel behavior and you do not want your kids to think that this is how a husband treats a wife. I guarantee 100% if you just simply lose weight he will start in on something else with you. Adress it now for yourself but especially for your kids.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 08:25     Subject: not so subtle weight comments from DH ruining my vacation
Anonymous wrote:Have you told him? Why are you telling us, and not him?


Uuuuum, because this is a place to vent anonymously.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 08:22     Subject: not so subtle weight comments from DH ruining my vacation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you have a weight issue it might be upsetting for him to see you not watching what you eat particularly if you are ordering some of the highest cal stuff on the menu and not even making an effort to try...

It might be ruining his vacation to see you only making matters worse with high cal food choices. Everything comes with fries these days - try substituting a side salad or broccoli. Get grilled fish/chicken instead of fried. Limit starches and sugars.

I sympathize with you Op. I've been struggling with my weight for the past decade.


I agree with the above, but it's not a valid excuse to make cruel comments.


Absolutely. Showing concern for a person is one thing, verbally abusing them is quite another.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 08:18     Subject: not so subtle weight comments from DH ruining my vacation
Anonymous wrote:If you have a weight issue it might be upsetting for him to see you not watching what you eat particularly if you are ordering some of the highest cal stuff on the menu and not even making an effort to try...

It might be ruining his vacation to see you only making matters worse with high cal food choices. Everything comes with fries these days - try substituting a side salad or broccoli. Get grilled fish/chicken instead of fried. Limit starches and sugars.

I sympathize with you Op. I've been struggling with my weight for the past decade.


I agree with the above, but it's not a valid excuse to make cruel comments.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 08:16     Subject: not so subtle weight comments from DH ruining my vacation
Solid responses to cruel comments:

"Why don't you go fuck yourself? No, really. You should get another room and leave me alone."

"Really? Other guys find me hot."

"Check yourself. I'm not going to be spoken to like that."

"Thanks, Richard Simmons. I don't need your diet advice."
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 07:56     Subject: not so subtle weight comments from DH ruining my vacation
If you have a weight issue it might be upsetting for him to see you not watching what you eat particularly if you are ordering some of the highest cal stuff on the menu and not even making an effort to try...

It might be ruining his vacation to see you only making matters worse with high cal food choices. Everything comes with fries these days - try substituting a side salad or broccoli. Get grilled fish/chicken instead of fried. Limit starches and sugars.

I sympathize with you Op. I've been struggling with my weight for the past decade.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 07:49     Subject: not so subtle weight comments from DH ruining my vacation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: Did your vows say, "Till death or fat do us part?"

Did you disclose your refusal to love and respect her if her body shape would change?

Have you ever actually observed, say, human beings to see how people typically age? What percentage of people look as attractive after 30 years? Why would you marry someone for life assuming they would look even remotely the same after decades?



No my vows did not say that. But loss of physical attraction causes a marriage to deteriorate over time, and the spouse who chooses to get fat needs to know their role in the situation. Intimacy slows down. Resentments build. You begin to notice that dreamy new person at work.

Aging is 100% unavoidable, but getting fat is 100% avoidable. Don't confuse the things about our appearance that cannot be controlled versus those that can.

It is quite reasonable to think that if you marry somebody who is thin and exercises regularly, this person would continue to want to remain thin and to exercise after 30 years.


That's actually not reasonable. People change, priorities change. Typically, over 30 years, people have children and get involved in their communities and their priorities and focus widen from a preoccupation with self and appearance to a concern about others and the wider community. That is typical, not being as interested in fitness and thinness in your 60's than you were in your 20's. If you have stayed as self-focused that is interesting but it is far, fr from the norm. As for fatness being 100% preventable, it is typically only preventable in women if a person has a unique metabolism or I'd they become MORE interested in maintaining thinness over time. It has to be more of a focus not less, because the aging process in healthy women typically adds more adipose tissue. This is self-protective and healthy, as the survival rate for illnesses late on life such as cancers is much higher for slightly overweight people.

I'm trying to be reasonable, though, and it's probably just a waste of time. I sense that no argument would break you of your belief that fatness is a justification for OP's spouse's behavior since you think it is justification for breaking vows.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 07:36     Subject: Re:not so subtle weight comments from DH ruining my vacation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am afraid to tell him because it will open the door to him truly insulting me and I don't think I can take it.


Tell him. If he truly insults you, end the vacation and go home. It's not acceptable for your spouse to treat you like that, regardless of how fat you are. Let him know that. Do not allow him to treat you this way, which is essentially what you're doing if you don't stand up for yourself. Sorry this is happening to you


This is the answer. this is the only answer here, but predictably enough, many of the first comments thought this topic was actually about food, or nutrition, or "calories."

It's not.

The whole fat n' calories n' "healthy eating" thing is just noise. Let's not have a 37 page thread with miss-the-point tips about low-cal recipes, and cute workout tops, and "asking your DH to take long walks with you after dinner" and "hiring a sitter to watch the kids so you ...."

I'm not the OP, but I love you.

.... can comply with someone else's parameters of what your body should and should not look like.

Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 05:10     Subject: not so subtle weight comments from DH ruining my vacation
Anonymous wrote: Did your vows say, "Till death or fat do us part?"

Did you disclose your refusal to love and respect her if her body shape would change?

Have you ever actually observed, say, human beings to see how people typically age? What percentage of people look as attractive after 30 years? Why would you marry someone for life assuming they would look even remotely the same after decades?



No my vows did not say that. But loss of physical attraction causes a marriage to deteriorate over time, and the spouse who chooses to get fat needs to know their role in the situation. Intimacy slows down. Resentments build. You begin to notice that dreamy new person at work.

Aging is 100% unavoidable, but getting fat is 100% avoidable. Don't confuse the things about our appearance that cannot be controlled versus those that can.

It is quite reasonable to think that if you marry somebody who is thin and exercises regularly, this person would continue to want to remain thin and to exercise after 30 years.