Anonymous
Post 03/23/2015 13:23     Subject: What one thing will your kids never forgive/forget (and maybe even talk about it therapy)?
I push him too hard academically. I am trying to dial it down but it's hard.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2015 13:18     Subject: What one thing will your kids never forgive/forget (and maybe even talk about it therapy)?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

One thing I've found in my long and varied experience is that kids are often not traumatized by the things you think they'll be traumatized by.
Sometimes they turn around years later and accuse you of things so minor that you don't even remember it ever happened, such as on one occasion refusing to give them money for the school store because you didn't have any cash that day.

This is my issue with therapy - in some instances it enables some people to hold on to small grudges and blow them out of proportion, instead of placing responsibility for moving on squarely on the patient.


What a horrible person you are.


Um, how exactly? I'm NP here and I definitely understand what PP is saying. She is in no way saying that therapy isn't helpful or necessary in many many cases but she does point out that its at least possible that it can turn to the unnecessarily introspective or dare I say even narcissistic , since its by nature "me" centered, and sometimes, I think that causes more issues than it solves in cases where there is little actual trauma or slight and just a matter of life that not everything is going to go your way or be perfect.


Poster you're quoting. She's a horrible person because she's one of those people who spread the myth that it's up to the hurt person to go over it, rather than up to the person who did the hurting to restore the damage. That's awful And so are you, since you think along the same lines.


Oh for fuck's sake. I really don't. I also think that navel gazing and focusing on your own feelings ALL THE TIME is terrible for the soul and for society in general. Not everything is so black and white.

If you hurt someone, you make it right and you offer an apology, etc. It doesn't matter if you MEAN to hurt someone, you still have to make it right.

Also, if you feel slighted or hurt, you need to examine the extent of any real damage to you as a person and also at least consider the person's intent, which may make forgiveness easier (which after all forgiveness is really about the person doing the forgiving letting go and not vice versa).

Doesn't have to be one or the other all the time. Life is shades of grey. Not getting the 100% perfect bedroom as a child vs. being racially profiled and attacked for example are NOT the same thing, and to pretend that a person feeling the same pain is ridiculous. (Extreme examples on purpose. In fact there is a very real threat that excessive introspection can set someone up to always be genuinely feeling like a victim, which is never good.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2015 11:44     Subject: What one thing will your kids never forgive/forget (and maybe even talk about it therapy)?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

One thing I've found in my long and varied experience is that kids are often not traumatized by the things you think they'll be traumatized by.
Sometimes they turn around years later and accuse you of things so minor that you don't even remember it ever happened, such as on one occasion refusing to give them money for the school store because you didn't have any cash that day.

This is my issue with therapy - in some instances it enables some people to hold on to small grudges and blow them out of proportion, instead of placing responsibility for moving on squarely on the patient.


What a horrible person you are.


Um, how exactly? I'm NP here and I definitely understand what PP is saying. She is in no way saying that therapy isn't helpful or necessary in many many cases but she does point out that its at least possible that it can turn to the unnecessarily introspective or dare I say even narcissistic , since its by nature "me" centered, and sometimes, I think that causes more issues than it solves in cases where there is little actual trauma or slight and just a matter of life that not everything is going to go your way or be perfect.


Poster you're quoting. She's a horrible person because she's one of those people who spread the myth that it's up to the hurt person to go over it, rather than up to the person who did the hurting to restore the damage. That's awful And so are you, since you think along the same lines.


NP. Don't agree. Therapy can't make someone else restore damage. Therapy can only help the person who's there.

I've seen people essentially retraumatized and made more miserable by what I'd call "wallow" therapy. Strengths-based, future-focused therapy, on the other hand, can be very helpful.

Also, your black-and-white thinking probably isn't helping you.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2015 11:22     Subject: What one thing will your kids never forgive/forget (and maybe even talk about it therapy)?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

One thing I've found in my long and varied experience is that kids are often not traumatized by the things you think they'll be traumatized by.
Sometimes they turn around years later and accuse you of things so minor that you don't even remember it ever happened, such as on one occasion refusing to give them money for the school store because you didn't have any cash that day.

This is my issue with therapy - in some instances it enables some people to hold on to small grudges and blow them out of proportion, instead of placing responsibility for moving on squarely on the patient.


What a horrible person you are.


Um, how exactly? I'm NP here and I definitely understand what PP is saying. She is in no way saying that therapy isn't helpful or necessary in many many cases but she does point out that its at least possible that it can turn to the unnecessarily introspective or dare I say even narcissistic , since its by nature "me" centered, and sometimes, I think that causes more issues than it solves in cases where there is little actual trauma or slight and just a matter of life that not everything is going to go your way or be perfect.


Poster you're quoting. She's a horrible person because she's one of those people who spread the myth that it's up to the hurt person to go over it, rather than up to the person who did the hurting to restore the damage. That's awful And so are you, since you think along the same lines.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2015 10:44     Subject: What one thing will your kids never forgive/forget (and maybe even talk about it therapy)?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

One thing I've found in my long and varied experience is that kids are often not traumatized by the things you think they'll be traumatized by.
Sometimes they turn around years later and accuse you of things so minor that you don't even remember it ever happened, such as on one occasion refusing to give them money for the school store because you didn't have any cash that day.

This is my issue with therapy - in some instances it enables some people to hold on to small grudges and blow them out of proportion, instead of placing responsibility for moving on squarely on the patient.


What a horrible person you are.


Um, how exactly? I'm NP here and I definitely understand what PP is saying. She is in no way saying that therapy isn't helpful or necessary in many many cases but she does point out that its at least possible that it can turn to the unnecessarily introspective or dare I say even narcissistic , since its by nature "me" centered, and sometimes, I think that causes more issues than it solves in cases where there is little actual trauma or slight and just a matter of life that not everything is going to go your way or be perfect.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2015 06:55     Subject: What one thing will your kids never forgive/forget (and maybe even talk about it therapy)?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I give my kid grief when he gets a low "A" - We is a smart kid, but I don't like it when he makes silly mistakes.


My dad did this to me and it has always affected me. You may want to rethink this approach.


+1
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2015 06:54     Subject: What one thing will your kids never forgive/forget (and maybe even talk about it therapy)?
Anonymous wrote:

One thing I've found in my long and varied experience is that kids are often not traumatized by the things you think they'll be traumatized by.
Sometimes they turn around years later and accuse you of things so minor that you don't even remember it ever happened, such as on one occasion refusing to give them money for the school store because you didn't have any cash that day.

This is my issue with therapy - in some instances it enables some people to hold on to small grudges and blow them out of proportion, instead of placing responsibility for moving on squarely on the patient.


What a horrible person you are.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 10:16     Subject: Re:What one thing will your kids never forgive/forget (and maybe even talk about it therapy)?
DH and I both have chronic illnesses that prevent us from doing "everything" that other parents do. And we are a bit irritable.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 08:25     Subject: What one thing will your kids never forgive/forget (and maybe even talk about it therapy)?
For me, it was the constant instability of moving every 12-18 months, starting in the 4th grade. As a result, I am very good at making acquaintances, but I am not good at real friends...I also tend to over share with acquaintances
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 08:00     Subject: Re:What one thing will your kids never forgive/forget (and maybe even talk about it therapy)?
My kindergarten daughter came home from school and said her teacher said her father and I love her so much, more than anyone in the world. I just rolled my eyes, and said ugh, that's NOT true I love your FATHER more than anyone in he world!

She cried. Yup, that'll probably stick.

Signed, my mother, circa 1976

Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 07:24     Subject: What one thing will your kids never forgive/forget (and maybe even talk about it therapy)?
I'm over-protective.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 02:33     Subject: What one thing will your kids never forgive/forget (and maybe even talk about it therapy)?
That their mom YELLS. Jeezus, I'm a yeller! I! AM! A! YELLER!!!!!
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 00:39     Subject: Re:What one thing will your kids never forgive/forget (and maybe even talk about it therapy)?
^^^ We did a trip to the Caribbean one year when I was in college and we did stocking presents.

We have developed a homework and studying plan that is really efficient. When the kids follow it, they get stellar grades. One of them doesn't like to follow it. I came down on her pretty hard because she did not follow the plan and did not do very well on a test.

So it turns out that her teacher graded the test all wrong and she got an A- on the test.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 19:48     Subject: What one thing will your kids never forgive/forget (and maybe even talk about it therapy)?
Trip to London during Christmas. Told our kids from the beginning, that the trip was the present. And souvenirs. Thought our 4th grade & 8th grade kids were old enough. A decade later they still mention they had thought there would be SOMETHING to open Christmas morning.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 19:31     Subject: What one thing will your kids never forgive/forget (and maybe even talk about it therapy)?
Anonymous wrote:Well, if you go by their complaints now, they will complain of impaired socialization due to me not allowing social media until 13 per the TOS. My fifth grader is very displeased by this right now, and her 7th grade sister says not having instagram and snapchat is "social suicide". Sorry, not going to allow them to lie to sign up and the longer I can keep them away from that nonsense the better. Older DDs comment also prompted a very brief discussion of why I hate it when people use that word so flippantly and trivialize the very real issues around mental health/suicide.

From the other side, the one thing that has always stuck with me... my parents were great, and I love them dearly, and I would never hurt them by letting them know I still have some (unnecessary, useless, illogical) resentment over this, but I'm not sure I will ever forget that they said "ignore it, he's just bullying" about the kid who threatened to kill me when I was in 4th grade. Context -- I'm physically disabled and he said he had a pocket knife he would use to kill me because I walk funny. Never actually showed the knife, so it was almost certainly just an idiot kid running his mouth. Rationally I know there was never any real threat, so my parents were right to not make a big deal of it. Terrifying at the time, though, and for some reason that specific quote from my mom has always bothered me a bit. It was the logical and sensible reaction, it just wasn't emotionally satisfying (which obviously isn't the way to make decisions about how to react to things in life).


We are doing the same!