My DH has ADHD, too - though not officially diagnosed, his primary care doc and psychiatrist said its probable. So I know it can be challenging. But after going through rough patch when DS was born, he has dug in an been a fully engaged partner in raising our kid. That means no checking out, or at least only checking out when we agree it is okay to check out, and I get to check out sometimes, too. And absolutely no checking out between 5 and 8pm - that is dinner, homework, family goofing off, and bed time. After 8pm he is free to go play Guitar Hero in the basement till midnight if he likes, and sometimes he does.

Your DH needs meds, to find out whether the ADHD is the reason he is checking out. My guess is it actually isn't, OP. There are things he must be able to do with the kids that they will all enjoy. Roll on the rug, play angry birds, read out loud, take a walk. Watching TV with him would be better than NOT having him around. And then when the kids are in bed, and his responsibilities are over, he can check out as much as he likes. The pot has much bigger side effects that the ADHD drugs. The side effect of pot now: he's not being a good father to his kids and a good partner to you. That's one hell of a side effect, and he needs to own it and try something else.

Thank you to everyone for their responses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just had a big fight with DH. In our family, when we are all home during the evening or on the weekends, DH smokes pot and plays endless games of internet chess. He is in another room, his man cave. He is relaxing, I get it.

I don't know if his pot is causing him to retire from active family life, or he would do it anyway, but I would like to know if your family interacts together at home, or everyone is doing their own thing. I don't want to blame pot for something that would occur anyway. We have two small kids.

One of my friends with older kids have Wii nights. People are playing or watching, but at least everyone is in the same room.

Plus, his daily pot use is expensive. He says it helps with his chronic anxiety and racing thoughts.

I'd put my pothead husband on playtime duty. I didn't look through to see how old your kids are, but whether it's a lovely tea party set up with young ones or playing a game of throw the popcorn into the big hat, being high would be an asset.

I was given medical marijuana by my doctors for severe muscle spasms. I only smoked after the kids were in bed, but if one of them woke up and came into my room, we had a blast doing puzzles or coloring. They had no idea I was high, and I was surprised at how much I enjoyed how we spent our time together. It was a kick!

I've since been placed on other medication. I'm glad for the experience. I can tell you that marijuana is no excuse to remove yourself from family life. Getting high and spending an awfully long time cooking with my kids was a whole lot of fun, when they wanted more food after having been put to bed. Same with braiding up my DDs hair.

Anything chill and detail-oriented is good.

OP here. I know other people on daily pot use, and some don't hide out as much as DH. Some are downright chatty.

I think one other issue is that the house is very noisy now, and DH was always more of a quiet person. Which has nothing to do with pot, or ADHD, but does affect my expectations of quality family time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does someone with ADHD get a college degree and hold a job? Seems like a sham diagnosis for so many people to excuse bad behavior. It demeans people who actually do have the disorder and can't function.

OP, your husband doesn't have ADHD, he has a personality disorder and is self medicating. He needs to get treatment and proper meds without the side effects

I have ADD and matriculated from college and law school un-medicated (except for lots of caffeine). It can be done. The difference is that it would take me two or three times as long to complete projects compared to my peers and my grades would have been better if I was on medication. When I got hired by a law firm, it was clear that my old coping methods would no longer work.

I also don't have a sever case of ADD. So it can be done, it just can't be done well.

Congratulations on your achievements! It must have been a special challenge for you. You should be proud.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. He has ADHD. I think he uses pot as a medication. He seems to have an aversion to starting pharmaceuticals for his condition. I will say that ever since he started smoking pot, his panic attacks seem to have lessened.

Pot may make him less active, even less jumpy, but it will not treat his attention deficit issue. So maybe you are seeing less hyperactivity, but you are not seeing an increase in attention.

Attention issues are treated with medicine that is basically speed. Pot is a depressant drug (a downer) not an anti-depressant (an upper).

Also, ADHD does not cause panic attacks. Anxiety is a different animal. To treat anxiety you would use a depressant.

Here is the bottom line, and I am sorry you are in this situation, you can't make a father spend time with his children and expect it to be quality time. Some men are just self-centered asses.

DH used to be a coffee fiend. 3 Ventis a day. Ever since his pot use started, his coffee consumption went down drastically.

Coffee must have been self-medicating too, in hindsight.

He is definitely not a self-centered ass. It's not a personality issue. A man can be a jerk, or just forgetful. Those are two different things. If he were a self-centered ass, I would just divorce him. What's the point, right?

But he's not. He is a loving person. I can see how this affliction affects his daily living, and his struggles with it.