I have never, ever heard of anything remotely like this. It's stunning really. Like everyone else said, my family would be talking about this for years, possibly on a daily basis. It's truly bizarre.

adding to the chorus of people saying it is just not done you don't have a fancy invitation to an event expecting people to travel out of town to visit and give your kids a present and not feed them. It is just.not.done.

P I'm sorry that you missed an epic Bar Mitzvah I've definitely been to a few in my day.

Yes. That's totally bizarre. Jews = food. It's the basis of every Jewish holiday. We were attacked, we fought back, we won, we ate!

So true!

OP here. I had to look that up. I believe there were snacks. No "meal." The bottom line, from what I understand, was that people "left hungry." Guests individually hunted around for local restaurants for dinner.

I'm not Jewish, but my understanding is that's something that can get your card revoked.

Anonymous wrote:I have never called a poster a troll, but I am doing it now. After 45 years and countless friend and family bar and bat mitzvahs, I have never, ever attended or even heard of one where there was not a party with food that followed immediately after the service or was held later in the evening (and that is not a new trend btw, tons of people had their party in the evening when I was a kid). Never. Ever. In fact, usually the parents of the bar mitzvah child host the oneg luncheon at the synagogue after the service in addition to the bar mitzvah party. So even more food! I call troll and someone trying to stir a pot, I hope with benign motives.

This is OP. I guess being called a troll answers my question in terms of whether this is something that is done. It is SO not done that it makes more sense that I would make it up than someone in the country would pull a stunt like this.

I have my theories (just pure speculation) as to why Cousin did this, but I really can't go into them in detail without talking about some identifying info, but it may be that Cousin didn't want to throw a bar mitzvah for his kid to begin with. He just didn't care what the family thinks, and if we never mingle again that's fine with him. He's not observant AT ALL, btw.

I think DH's family is realizing that he doesn't care to maintain ties, and it is really hurtful to them. I really don't blame them. As a PP said, it's cross-cultural. If you invite people and they fly in, feed them.

Anonymous wrote:This was short sighted on the parents part. When their kids get married, the family will probably sent very modest amounts.

Hello, this is OP. Well, I wish it weren't true, but I think it will be. The bar mitzvah boy has younger siblings and I don't think the family will take well to their ceremonies in terms of generous gifts or flying in. It is unfortunate for the kids. Still wondering why Cousin would do this. SMH.

Anonymous wrote:I guess there was no booze either.

OP here. No, no booze.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am Jewish and I've never heard of something like this. Tacky, tacky, tacky. If this happened at a Bar Mitzvah my family went to, some of my family members would be talking about it for 50 years and probably remember it on their deathbed

Seriously, insane.

OP here. Yes, that is what is happening. The story is not dying. They will be forever defined by it. It is unfortunate because they seem like nice people but I can't understand why Cousin would do this and alienate so many people.

Anonymous wrote:What did the invitation say? Was it a formal printed invite? Having the service followed by a light lunch IS a bat mitzvah. Perhaps the misunderstanding was the out of towners who assumed there would be party. It should have been made clear to them that it was a service follwed by a light meal. And knowing there were out of town ers the family should have thought to host a small dinner or something, but I bet the invitation wasn't clear or that assumptions were made based on what people usually do. That said, I'd be annoyed too.

OP here. There was a formal printed invitation that was mailed out. A "Save A Date" was emailed out too.

I have never called a poster a troll, but I am doing it now. After 45 years and countless friend and family bar and bat mitzvahs, I have never, ever attended or even heard of one where there was not a party with food that followed immediately after the service or was held later in the evening (and that is not a new trend btw, tons of people had their party in the evening when I was a kid). Never. Ever. In fact, usually the parents of the bar mitzvah child host the oneg luncheon at the synagogue after the service in addition to the bar mitzvah party. So even more food! I call troll and someone trying to stir a pot, I hope with benign motives.

This was short sighted on the parents part. When their kids get married, the family will probably sent very modest amounts.

Anonymous wrote:I am not Jewish but I don't think it matters. If you host an event wherein you invite people from out of town, you feed them. It's just common courtesy.

You wouldn't have a 60th birthday party, invite people from across the country and not serve them food. You wouldn't have relatives fly in for a high school or college graduation and not have a meal planned for after the ceremony.

If you want people to make an effort on your behalf, then you make one on theirs. The end.

Agreed. And it doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. There's nothing wrong with homemade goods or asking friends to prepare foods.

I guess there was no booze either.

I am not Jewish but I don't think it matters. If you host an event wherein you invite people from out of town, you feed them. It's just common courtesy.

You wouldn't have a 60th birthday party, invite people from across the country and not serve them food. You wouldn't have relatives fly in for a high school or college graduation and not have a meal planned for after the ceremony.

If you want people to make an effort on your behalf, then you make one on theirs. The end.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure there wasn't a misunderstanding?

I ask because the new "trend" as a pp mentioned is that the young person has the festive meal much later in the day. In other words, the ceremony part of the Bar Mitzvah takes place at around 10:00 in the morning and then the guests go off (fend for themselves so to speak) but regather around 6 or 8 pm, often at a restaurant or disco for a formal meal and dancing and speeches and so forth.

I find this hugely inconvenient, by the way, as I travel from out of town too, and am left to "fend for myself" for six or eight hours in another city with my children. It's a trend I greatly dislike.

So I wonder if your relatives just misunderstood that they were to fend for themselves until the time of the party?

OP here. No, there was nothing like that. These discussions are happening after everyone drove/flew home.

I believe Cousin's family has made a somewhat fancy purchase recently. I can't go into what, but it's luxurious and fancy. That's why everyone is disapproving. They think it was purchased with the bar mitzvah money.

Again, not a struggling family.

Just wondering if feeding is optional, or if Cousin broke some traditional rules here.

Feeding is optional. Some people follow the custom of providing food. It is a nice thing to do for visiting family. However, there is no law that says you have to serve food or have a party after a bar mitzvah. If this family wants family to ever come again for a bar mitzvah or wedding, they may have a problem with people wantong to make the trip. Usually hosts will let invitees know what the food situation will be in advance. For example, on invitations, many people will indicate "kiddush luncheon following the service." I find it hard to blieve that family members didn't know that they wouldn't be fed.