Anonymous
02/27/2015 07:25
Subject: Cold feet ever since I got engaged and wedding is this weekend!
Anonymous wrote:So many concerns, both big and small. For example: Fiance isn't super nice to service people: valet guys, the maid, waiters, etc. He is really nice to bartenders, which he says it's not that he's not nice to others, it's just that he's nervous and when he has a drink, he relaxes and can be "nice" aka his true self.
red flag! and it is "others" who are pushing you into this. Its normal to be nervous, but not for a YEAR
OP: It may not seem like it right now, but it is much easier to cancel a wedding than to get a divorce. Some couples go into marriage thinking if this does not work, there is always divorce. But it is not that easy, and it usually takes years. A whole year of doubts -- I would cancel. In fact, I did cancel. Never looked back. Met someone else, got married to him -- its been 15 years now and still going strong. I have never for one minute regretted cancelling that first one. Now just a memory ...
Anonymous
02/27/2015 07:24
Subject: Re:Cold feet ever since I got engaged and wedding is this weekend!
Frankly OP, it doesn't sound like you have jitters or want to postpone your wedding. It sounds like you want to break up with this guy (and for good reason) and are just trying to decide whether now or post-wedding. So do it now.
Anonymous
02/27/2015 07:23
Subject: Re:Cold feet ever since I got engaged and wedding is this weekend!
Anonymous wrote:I think we need to add to this thread a dimension of "how might you call off a wedding at the very last minute with the minimum of embarrassment and hassle.?" Because that is what OP needs. OP, you a re rushing into marriage because there is a wedding ceremony planned.
My suggestion: tell friends and family, "I'm having so many pre-wedding jitters that I wouldn't want to have a huge event where I was not showing [Fiance] my total enthusiasm for our marriage. Although it is incredibly awkward to do this, I feel in the long run it will be better if I can start off married life without visibly displaying my anxiety to all our friends and family."
And since it is probably a lot of $ that you can't recoup for the reception, invite your own side of family/friends to join you still at the reception, and make it a family reunion. People love those. Spend some $ arranging a restaurant meal for Fiances family on the other side of town, so they can have their own family reunion. People are probably already committed to being in town for the wedding. And the appeal of the wedding is often seeing family, so just turn it into that.
So much easier and cheaper than a divorce. Really. If you aren't wild about this man now, it will only get worse once you are married.
OP, I hope you'll listen to this poster.
Anonymous
02/27/2015 07:19
Subject: Re:Cold feet ever since I got engaged and wedding is this weekend!
I think we need to add to this thread a dimension of "how might you call off a wedding at the very last minute with the minimum of embarrassment and hassle.?" Because that is what OP needs. OP, you a re rushing into marriage because there is a wedding ceremony planned.
My suggestion: tell friends and family, "I'm having so many pre-wedding jitters that I wouldn't want to have a huge event where I was not showing [Fiance] my total enthusiasm for our marriage. Although it is incredibly awkward to do this, I feel in the long run it will be better if I can start off married life without visibly displaying my anxiety to all our friends and family."
And since it is probably a lot of $ that you can't recoup for the reception, invite your own side of family/friends to join you still at the reception, and make it a family reunion. People love those. Spend some $ arranging a restaurant meal for Fiances family on the other side of town, so they can have their own family reunion. People are probably already committed to being in town for the wedding. And the appeal of the wedding is often seeing family, so just turn it into that.
So much easier and cheaper than a divorce. Really. If you aren't wild about this man now, it will only get worse once you are married.
My suggestion: tell friends and family, "I'm having so many pre-wedding jitters that I wouldn't want to have a huge event where I was not showing [Fiance] my total enthusiasm for our marriage. Although it is incredibly awkward to do this, I feel in the long run it will be better if I can start off married life without visibly displaying my anxiety to all our friends and family."
And since it is probably a lot of $ that you can't recoup for the reception, invite your own side of family/friends to join you still at the reception, and make it a family reunion. People love those. Spend some $ arranging a restaurant meal for Fiances family on the other side of town, so they can have their own family reunion. People are probably already committed to being in town for the wedding. And the appeal of the wedding is often seeing family, so just turn it into that.
So much easier and cheaper than a divorce. Really. If you aren't wild about this man now, it will only get worse once you are married.
Anonymous
02/27/2015 07:10
Subject: Cold feet ever since I got engaged and wedding is this weekend!
You mentioned pre-Cana so if you are Catholic....use reliable birth control if you end up getting married. I would advise any friend of mine whose SO screamed at them to get out of the relationship. Do not marry him as it will only get worse. My first marriage involved emotional abuse that escalated to physical. I had cold feet but I ignored it and Catholicism didn't help.
Anonymous
02/27/2015 07:01
Subject: Cold feet ever since I got engaged and wedding is this weekend!
OP, please listen to your gut. People who are rude to people in subordinate or serving positions to them often have issues with control and cruelty. If he can be unkind to the point of screaming at you, please, please call off the wedding. People may be disappointed, you may lose money, but it is the best thing for you hands down.
And if it is something that causes an irreversible break with your fiancé, then think about that too--he knows you have fears about the wedding and isn't willing to postpone it to work those things through.
Best of luck to you.
And if it is something that causes an irreversible break with your fiancé, then think about that too--he knows you have fears about the wedding and isn't willing to postpone it to work those things through.
Best of luck to you.
Anonymous
02/27/2015 06:55
Subject: Cold feet ever since I got engaged and wedding is this weekend!
Anonymous wrote:When people say no boyfriend/fiancé/DH is perfect they mean -- he never puts his socks in the hamper; he returns phone calls 5 days late; he can't cook or do home repair. They don't mean - he screams at me and isn't generally nice to people and NEEDS to drink to be nice. Those are signs of deeper issues.
+1000
Certainly puts my recent irritation with my husband not cleaning up after himself in perspective.
Anonymous
02/27/2015 06:54
Subject: Cold feet ever since I got engaged and wedding is this weekend!
Does anyone notice that the guy is still pushing ahead even though he knows she has had cold feet the whole time?
For folks saying just get married then figure it out, but don't have kids, what is she going to tell him when he starts wanting to try for kids? "Sorry honey, i haven't decided if u want to be with you yet."
For folks saying just get married then figure it out, but don't have kids, what is she going to tell him when he starts wanting to try for kids? "Sorry honey, i haven't decided if u want to be with you yet."
Anonymous
02/27/2015 06:41
Subject: Cold feet ever since I got engaged and wedding is this weekend!
PP here. He screams at you? Ugh, listen to that gut, OP. And get a new therapist! You tell her he screams at you and she tells you that you should just get married??
Anonymous
02/27/2015 06:35
Subject: Cold feet ever since I got engaged and wedding is this weekend!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:So many concerns, both big and small. For example: Fiance isn't super nice to service people: valet guys, the maid, waiters, etc. He is really nice to bartenders, which he says it's not that he's not nice to others, it's just that he's nervous and when he has a drink, he relaxes and can be "nice" aka his true self.
Is he neutral towards them, like just not particularly friendly, or is he rude to them? And is this your biggest concern? Because it's what you're leading with here, and it seems fairly minor overall (again, assuming he's not actually rude to people).
Actually, it would be a deal-breaker for me, at least if I noticed it during the dating stage.
Anonymous
02/27/2015 06:32
Subject: Cold feet ever since I got engaged and wedding is this weekend!
Anonymous wrote:Just know he is not going to change. Will his bad qualities bug you or will you be able to tolerate them for the rest of your life?
+1
Anonymous
02/27/2015 06:29
Subject: Cold feet ever since I got engaged and wedding is this weekend!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why the fuck have you had "cold feet" for a year and haven't talked to your fiancé about it? How old are you?
Whoa, a lot of aggression coming out there. I have talked to my fiancé, we even went to counseling for it. The therapist was like, you won't know if you don't like it until you do it...just get married! My fiancé wants to marry no matter what and thinks cold feet is just wedding planning stress.[/quot
Well, is your ambivalence about the guy or the institution of marriage? What tubs people the wrong way about your guy? Sorry, maybe you've answered this, I haven't gotten through the whole thread.
Anonymous
02/27/2015 06:26
Subject: Re:Cold feet ever since I got engaged and wedding is this weekend!
I had cold feet and I'm happily married. The marriage isn't perfect but I'm glad I married him and can't imagine being with anyone else.
Anonymous
02/27/2015 05:09
Subject: Cold feet ever since I got engaged and wedding is this weekend!
Intuition (cold feet) always means two things: you have a legitimate reason to be worried and intuition always tries to protect you.
Is it an option to postpone? Don't tell me bs that the invitations have been sent. That's not a reason to continue. This is a major life event and ask anyone who has been divorced if they had cold feet. I predict that a majority did.
Is it an option to postpone? Don't tell me bs that the invitations have been sent. That's not a reason to continue. This is a major life event and ask anyone who has been divorced if they had cold feet. I predict that a majority did.
Anonymous
02/27/2015 04:58
Subject: Re:Cold feet ever since I got engaged and wedding is this weekend!
Worst case scenario he turns into a horrible drunk and becomes abusive you get the marriage annulled.
That is pretty fucking bad considering it can be fully avoided.