Anonymous
02/27/2015 19:06
Subject: Re:I need out
We have 2 children
Addiction/Abuse/Adultery is the only reason I would support your decision, Op.
Otherwise, no.
Anonymous
02/27/2015 17:35
Subject: Re:I need out
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Isn't it funny that people who are divorced and in unhappy marriages encourage the OP to divorce, and those in happy marriages or marriages that has seen its share of ups and downs are encouraging her to give the marriage a chance.
Op needs validation from internet strangers? Good luck to her!
Yep. Misery loves company.
This. The DCUM go go divorce crowd is a sad bunch
Not as sad as those who have convinced themselves that their miserable relationships are normal.
dcguy
02/27/2015 12:24
Subject: Re:I need out
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here, I've gotten the info that I needed and I choose not to play the "let's blame the OP" game, which seems to happen in this forum at times. I truly appreciate the good and heartfelt advice.
Have a good night.
Um, maybe you might need a bit more information than just find a lawyer and sock away money?
I left an angry man. He's still in my life because we have children together. This forum sometimes treats divorce as a finality unto itself. It's not. It's just one decision along the continuum of raising your children.
So my advice is to put as much into your divorce agreement as you could possibly imagine: when are the children allowed to drive? or travel abroad? All of the permissions that you will need down the line, no matter how far off it may seem. Get it in there now, so you don't have to deal with XH when these things eventually arise. Have child support done electronically through direct deposit. I'd hate the idea of ever seeing my XH on a monthly basis. I hold the children's passports, always. Tax questions! Who gets to claim them and when, for how long, under what circumstances? Camp questions. School enrollment. Can you sign off on paperwork yourself? I can, and it makes everything so so so much easier. How about oddities like keeping to a vegetarian diet during visitation? If that's important to you, or church attendance, get it settled through this process now. I even put into my agreement that the children required a separate sleeping area, and that no one would ever be referred to as any variation of mommy or daddy, even if one of us were to re-marry. Why? Because it is important to me and a reminder to XH that he is their one and only father. I'm trying to think of other esoteric things I placed within the agreement...but I think you've gotten the idea.
Set conditions, absolutes, and processes in place through the divorce agreement. Who pays for what, outside of child support? I honestly wish I'd put in that the kids get three meals during his visitation day because the asshole picks them up after I've fed them in the morning, and rolls them home after driving through McDonald's at night. He's that cheap. I wish I'd put in something about textbooks and college application fees. My kids are in kindergarten! I know. But, if I had just done that I wouldn't have to shoulder every single cost alone.
While socking away money, also get documentation re STBXH's income and trajectory. I forgot the word for it, but there's a way that the Court can estimate child support that isn't solely based on current income. For example, if he's on track to become partner, put it into the current agreement that the child support will increase by x% once his income hits blah%. Check with your attorney about having a slice of his yearly bonus go to the kids' college account.
I'm not even going to take another look at this thread. Like you, I'm terrified by the pitch forks some DCUMers bring to the conversation.
TLDR: Think long-term. Once the Court is no longer party to the discussion you will be on your own with him. You don't want that.
Good luck!
I think this response should be the start of a new thread called "Should i divorce my DW" that is permanently affixed to the top of the relationship forum.
And then at the bottom: "abandon hope all ye who enter here"
Anonymous
02/27/2015 10:35
Subject: Re:I need out
Anonymous wrote:OP here, I've gotten the info that I needed and I choose not to play the "let's blame the OP" game, which seems to happen in this forum at times. I truly appreciate the good and heartfelt advice.
Have a good night.
Um, maybe you might need a bit more information than just find a lawyer and sock away money?
I left an angry man. He's still in my life because we have children together. This forum sometimes treats divorce as a finality unto itself. It's not. It's just one decision along the continuum of raising your children.
So my advice is to put as much into your divorce agreement as you could possibly imagine: when are the children allowed to drive? or travel abroad? All of the permissions that you will need down the line, no matter how far off it may seem. Get it in there now, so you don't have to deal with XH when these things eventually arise. Have child support done electronically through direct deposit. I'd hate the idea of ever seeing my XH on a monthly basis. I hold the children's passports, always. Tax questions! Who gets to claim them and when, for how long, under what circumstances? Camp questions. School enrollment. Can you sign off on paperwork yourself? I can, and it makes everything so so so much easier. How about oddities like keeping to a vegetarian diet during visitation? If that's important to you, or church attendance, get it settled through this process now. I even put into my agreement that the children required a separate sleeping area, and that no one would ever be referred to as any variation of mommy or daddy, even if one of us were to re-marry. Why? Because it is important to me and a reminder to XH that he is their one and only father. I'm trying to think of other esoteric things I placed within the agreement...but I think you've gotten the idea.
Set conditions, absolutes, and processes in place through the divorce agreement. Who pays for what, outside of child support? I honestly wish I'd put in that the kids get three meals during his visitation day because the asshole picks them up after I've fed them in the morning, and rolls them home after driving through McDonald's at night. He's that cheap. I wish I'd put in something about textbooks and college application fees. My kids are in kindergarten! I know. But, if I had just done that I wouldn't have to shoulder every single cost alone.
While socking away money, also get documentation re STBXH's income and trajectory. I forgot the word for it, but there's a way that the Court can estimate child support that isn't solely based on current income. For example, if he's on track to become partner, put it into the current agreement that the child support will increase by x% once his income hits blah%. Check with your attorney about having a slice of his yearly bonus go to the kids' college account.
I'm not even going to take another look at this thread. Like you, I'm terrified by the pitch forks some DCUMers bring to the conversation.
TLDR: Think long-term. Once the Court is no longer party to the discussion you will be on your own with him. You don't want that.
Good luck!
Anonymous
02/27/2015 10:11
Subject: I need out
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:So you've already checked out then. Okay. And maybe you are looking forward to being a PT/50% mom. That's fine, too. Get your financial life in order, develop a game plan, etc.
But don't blindside him. Just because you *think* you'll be cool with everything doesn't mean he will (or you will).
Best of luck to you.
AGAIN, sigh, we've been to counseling and talked at great length about this.
See?? The "blame the OP game".
I've been reading this thread because I would like to leave my DH too. He's not abusive, a cheater, or an alcoholic, but I have some solid reasons. A couple months ago, I was ready to call a lawyer. Then I played out the scenario in my head: seeing my kids only PT, having to make parenting decisions with someone I will likely get along worse with, the fact I will be tethered to DC (away from my family and closest friends) bc of a custody arrangement, realizing my in-laws who I love dearly will hate me, etc. Now I'm not sure it's worth it. Not because I feel obligated to please everyone else in my life, but because the situation seems like it will be far worse than the one I'm in. I think that's all some of the other posters are trying to say. I'm sure you are resourceful enough to come up with the right steps. Good luck.
Anonymous
02/27/2015 10:08
Subject: I need out
op probably has struggled a lot to reach the conclusion that the marriage is too painful for everyone involved. If that is the case, then go for it.
Anonymous
02/27/2015 05:17
Subject: Re:I need out
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Isn't it funny that people who are divorced and in unhappy marriages encourage the OP to divorce, and those in happy marriages or marriages that has seen its share of ups and downs are encouraging her to give the marriage a chance.
Op needs validation from internet strangers? Good luck to her!
Yep. Misery loves company.
I'll say it once more. I have made my decision. I am not looking for validation. I am not asking anyone's opinion on whether I should stay or go. I am asking what steps I should take first in starting the divorce proceedings. If you would simply READ what I wrote, instead of salivating at the opportunity to bully someone, it sure would save a lot of everyone's time.
I don't understand why everyone is jumping on OP. She asked some simple questions. She didn't ask if she should consider staying in an unhappy marriage? Stop beating up on her and allow her to make her decision. She seems pretty level headed and has taken the account of her children into consideration she said, believe her. I grew up in an unhappy married home, my parents are still unhappy but together. They both feed off each other, it's not a pretty scene, it's their choice. I believe in allowing one to make their choice. OP said her DH is not happy either, and consoling has failed.
OP, good luck to you. I hope you see happier days in your future.
Not OP but thank you for a sane response.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 23:59
Subject: Re:I need out
Anonymous wrote:I know that I am going to get shit for saying this, but here it goes. I would ask him to get an apartment and tell him that you living together is not working. Figure out before you confront him why it's better that you stay in the house. The kids should probably stay with the parent that is in the house to lessen the blow at this point. Before this starts. Figure out how much rent you can afford on just your salary. You may need to be renting a very small place for a while with bunk beds. Or if the two of you own a home without a mortgage, can you pay his part of the house off (mortgage payments to him). Start thinking about what kind of person he will be like in a divorce. I agree with the advice about not having the kids there when either parent is moving out. Will you go after him for full custody? Will he challenge you for full custody? What are your house hold assets? What about your/his debt? Will you be uprooting the kids to a different school district for lower price rent? Just start making these lists now. Also, try googling understanding divorce proceedings and children.
This is good advice.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 23:39
Subject: Re:I need out
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Isn't it funny that people who are divorced and in unhappy marriages encourage the OP to divorce, and those in happy marriages or marriages that has seen its share of ups and downs are encouraging her to give the marriage a chance.
Op needs validation from internet strangers? Good luck to her!
Yep. Misery loves company.
I'll say it once more. I have made my decision. I am not looking for validation. I am not asking anyone's opinion on whether I should stay or go. I am asking what steps I should take first in starting the divorce proceedings. If you would simply READ what I wrote, instead of salivating at the opportunity to bully someone, it sure would save a lot of everyone's time.
BINGO!
Anonymous
02/26/2015 22:56
Subject: Re:I need out
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Isn't it funny that people who are divorced and in unhappy marriages encourage the OP to divorce, and those in happy marriages or marriages that has seen its share of ups and downs are encouraging her to give the marriage a chance.
Op needs validation from internet strangers? Good luck to her!
Yep. Misery loves company.
I'll say it once more. I have made my decision. I am not looking for validation. I am not asking anyone's opinion on whether I should stay or go. I am asking what steps I should take first in starting the divorce proceedings. If you would simply READ what I wrote, instead of salivating at the opportunity to bully someone, it sure would save a lot of everyone's time.
I don't understand why everyone is jumping on OP. She asked some simple questions. She didn't ask if she should consider staying in an unhappy marriage? Stop beating up on her and allow her to make her decision. She seems pretty level headed and has taken the account of her children into consideration she said, believe her. I grew up in an unhappy married home, my parents are still unhappy but together. They both feed off each other, it's not a pretty scene, it's their choice. I believe in allowing one to make their choice. OP said her DH is not happy either, and consoling has failed.
OP, good luck to you. I hope you see happier days in your future.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 22:02
Subject: Re:I need out
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Isn't it funny that people who are divorced and in unhappy marriages encourage the OP to divorce, and those in happy marriages or marriages that has seen its share of ups and downs are encouraging her to give the marriage a chance.
Op needs validation from internet strangers? Good luck to her!
Yep. Misery loves company.
This. The DCUM go go divorce crowd is a sad bunch
Anonymous
02/26/2015 21:56
Subject: I need out
OP, the procedure of divorce depends on the state you live in.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 21:41
Subject: Re:I need out
I know that I am going to get shit for saying this, but here it goes. I would ask him to get an apartment and tell him that you living together is not working. Figure out before you confront him why it's better that you stay in the house. The kids should probably stay with the parent that is in the house to lessen the blow at this point. Before this starts. Figure out how much rent you can afford on just your salary. You may need to be renting a very small place for a while with bunk beds. Or if the two of you own a home without a mortgage, can you pay his part of the house off (mortgage payments to him). Start thinking about what kind of person he will be like in a divorce. I agree with the advice about not having the kids there when either parent is moving out. Will you go after him for full custody? Will he challenge you for full custody? What are your house hold assets? What about your/his debt? Will you be uprooting the kids to a different school district for lower price rent? Just start making these lists now. Also, try googling understanding divorce proceedings and children.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 21:31
Subject: Re:I need out
When you are going through this the last thing you want to hear is that you are stuck no matter what. That fiends and family that you talk to about wanting a divorce tell you to stay no matter what, no matter how miserable you are. You have a choice to stay or go OP. No one should stay miserable for the rest of their lives. If he is completely unwilling to work on things or if the working on things is not getting you anywhere you have the choice to leave. Leaving may not be the right decision, but you do have that choice.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 21:31
Subject: Re:I need out
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Isn't it funny that people who are divorced and in unhappy marriages encourage the OP to divorce, and those in happy marriages or marriages that has seen its share of ups and downs are encouraging her to give the marriage a chance.
Op needs validation from internet strangers? Good luck to her!
Yep. Misery loves company.
I'll say it once more. I have made my decision. I am not looking for validation. I am not asking anyone's opinion on whether I should stay or go. I am asking what steps I should take first in starting the divorce proceedings. If you would simply READ what I wrote, instead of salivating at the opportunity to bully someone, it sure would save a lot of everyone's time.