Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 16:14     Subject: Re:Sister and I can't get along dividing moms wedding set after she passed away. Need advice.
Anonymous wrote:OP, you literally keep asking exactly the same question over and over again, no matter the variety of opinions and advice you've gotten in response. You are so deeply stuck on this issue, I don't think there's anything DCUM can do to help you. I'd recommend therapy.


Yes.

This isn't about stuff - this is about ancient hurts and slights. It's about long festering feelings of resentment, injustice, loss, favoritism, grief, etc...

OP - only you have power over how much this all affects you emotionally. Only you. Give them the coins or not. Fight over the diamonds or not. Take your sister to court over the execution of the will or not. Get angry and upset and rail against what is happening, or accept the reality and decide not to let it rule your emotions.

You're giving everyone else in this scenario the power - especially your sister. You're a grown-up now. She does not have to rule your life. You can walk away. You can decide these material goods don't matter. You can choose not to engage.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 15:01     Subject: Sister and I can't get along dividing moms wedding set after she passed away. Need advice.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP: I had let this go. What brought it up was my bother's email about the coins, which I had forgotten about, which had been left in a box of other stuff that SIBS didn't want - for four years. Why out of the blue is he carrying about the coins? I suspect it was a result of my sister's nagging. Really, it's just like her, but not like my brother.


OP: again, I have no issue with the coins. I'm not mad at my brother. He can have the coins. I'm not attached to them at all. They're not sentimental. I'm just curious why after so much time all of a sudden this comes up. It never came up before..... I don't think he even knew about them, since my sister and I cleaned and packed moms house when mom went to be with my sister. My sister knew about them for certain.

To the PP who was asking what $3000 was for : my mom had TRICARE and medicare, so she had 100% medical coverage. My sister itemized expenses that were over $3000, to the point she would send us bills a d receipts for 10 cent copies and 44 cent stamps and gas to take mom to medical appointments. She was retired, no job conflict. I had taken care of mom for FIVE years right before then, and I didn't feel the need to charge her, even though it was pretty much 24 hour care that someone had to be with her. My husband, my two sons, and I worked it out. My sister has a husband and daughter in town who helped her. My sister lives across the country.

I HAD LET THIS GO UNTIL I started being nagged about the coins. Now it confuses me. Why all this interest in splitting the value of the coins which I think is fair and no interest in correcting something which I didn't find as fair?


1. You are bitter that your sister was smart enough to ask for reimbursement for her expenses. You said yourself she itemized the expenses so you knew what she was spending so at least you know it wasn't money she was just pocketing.

2. The diamonds - you got one. Let it go.

3. The coin collection - whoever has it, get it appraised, sell it, and split the money. As an asset of the estate, it's the right thing to do and should have already been done. It doesn't really matter that your brother is asking 4 years later.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 14:53     Subject: Sister and I can't get along dividing moms wedding set after she passed away. Need advice.
Your relationship with your sister is worth more than the value of a diamond. Send your brother the money the coins are worth.
Sorry you are dealing with this. Your sister sounds like a peach.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 14:49     Subject: Sister and I can't get along dividing moms wedding set after she passed away. Need advice.
I can never in a million years imagine one of my siblings not splitting things evenly. I am so sorry OP, what a disappointment.

I think if I had a sibling who didn't want to split something I'd just give it to them. But yes, it would damage our relationship bc they wouldn't be the person I thought they were.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 13:28     Subject: Sister and I can't get along dividing moms wedding set after she passed away. Need advice.
Re the 3000 a month. Maybe the sister cut back hours on her job or hired home health care to help with the mom. In which case I could understand why she thought that should come out of money her mom had, unless op and her brother were willing to chip in for expenses, which it sounds they were not.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 13:22     Subject: Re:Sister and I can't get along dividing moms wedding set after she passed away. Need advice.
OP, you literally keep asking exactly the same question over and over again, no matter the variety of opinions and advice you've gotten in response. You are so deeply stuck on this issue, I don't think there's anything DCUM can do to help you. I'd recommend therapy.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 11:08     Subject: Sister and I can't get along dividing moms wedding set after she passed away. Need advice.
OP, here's why. Your sister is a petty, penny-grubbing, selfish jerk. That's all. There is no other answer. Send your brother the coin collection if it doesn't matter to you and just let it all go. Breathe. You have a lovely diamond from your grandmother and a clear conscience and the knowledge that you did right by your mom. Please move on with your life.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 10:38     Subject: Sister and I can't get along dividing moms wedding set after she passed away. Need advice.
Anonymous wrote:OP: I had let this go. What brought it up was my bother's email about the coins, which I had forgotten about, which had been left in a box of other stuff that SIBS didn't want - for four years. Why out of the blue is he carrying about the coins? I suspect it was a result of my sister's nagging. Really, it's just like her, but not like my brother.


OP: again, I have no issue with the coins. I'm not mad at my brother. He can have the coins. I'm not attached to them at all. They're not sentimental. I'm just curious why after so much time all of a sudden this comes up. It never came up before..... I don't think he even knew about them, since my sister and I cleaned and packed moms house when mom went to be with my sister. My sister knew about them for certain.

To the PP who was asking what $3000 was for : my mom had TRICARE and medicare, so she had 100% medical coverage. My sister itemized expenses that were over $3000, to the point she would send us bills a d receipts for 10 cent copies and 44 cent stamps and gas to take mom to medical appointments. She was retired, no job conflict. I had taken care of mom for FIVE years right before then, and I didn't feel the need to charge her, even though it was pretty much 24 hour care that someone had to be with her. My husband, my two sons, and I worked it out. My sister has a husband and daughter in town who helped her. My sister lives across the country.

I HAD LET THIS GO UNTIL I started being nagged about the coins. Now it confuses me. Why all this interest in splitting the value of the coins which I think is fair and no interest in correcting something which I didn't find as fair?
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 09:43     Subject: Re:Sister and I can't get along dividing moms wedding set after she passed away. Need advice.
OP: I don't think I like people who look out only for themselves, and it looks to me that my sister falls in this category.


You're also only looking out for yourself. How are you somehow less focused on money here than your sister is? You want what you view as your fair share just as much as your sister does, you're just mad you don't have the legal authority to take it.


What are you talking about PP? You are equating wanting to take someone else's inheritance to wanting to receive your own. This is exactly the type of rationalization that people like OP's sister perform to justify their actions because we "are all the same anyway"... Also, obviously OP has the legal right, or this post would have no point:

We discovered in moms papers that she wanted whichever daughter that received one, to be given a sum to purchase a similar quality so each would have two. It meets the criteria for a holographic addendum to her will.


That said OP, unless the diamonds are very pricey, the cost of a lawyer/court would likely swallow any of the value of the diamond. I would just do a very matter of fact, non-emotional email to both your sister and brother: Please take the coin collection brother, no need to worry about my share. This does cause me to remember a concern re: the division of Mom's wedding set. Her will said ___. That means we need to do ___. Please let me know when I can get diamonds appraised, etc., sister.

If nothing comes of this, let it go. You really have no other good options. Staying angry will hurt you far more than your sister.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 09:43     Subject: Re:Sister and I can't get along dividing moms wedding set after she passed away. Need advice.
I would give the coin collection to your brother, and then he can get it appraised like he asked. Make an effort to stay on good terms with your brother, and don't assume that your sister put him up to it. He might have forgotten about the trouble with the diamonds, or he figures that that is just between you and your sister.

I think it's sad to lose your sister over a diamond. Why not contact her and ask her for something else that is sentimental to you instead of her giving you cash for another diamond? I think it's odd that your mom put in her will that one sister had to pay $ to the other so they both end up with 2 diamonds.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 09:33     Subject: Sister and I can't get along dividing moms wedding set after she passed away. Need advice.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do you like your sister otherwise? If so I'd let it go.

Do you want to keep the coin collection? Then agree to a value and pay your sibs out.



OP: I don't think I like people who look out only for themselves, and it looks to me that my sister falls in this category.


You're also only looking out for yourself. How are you somehow less focused on money here than your sister is? You want what you view as your fair share just as much as your sister does, you're just mad you don't have the legal authority to take it.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 09:29     Subject: Re:Sister and I can't get along dividing moms wedding set after she passed away. Need advice.
Anonymous wrote:PP above: Also, people who are saying that material things don't count an disregarding that your sister has used a material thing to hurt you. It is not just any material thing that you saw in a store window -- it is your mothers diamonds.


Yes, but she doesn't have to allow it to turn into a power struggle.

OP, I'd be the bigger person and let it go.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 09:26     Subject: Sister and I can't get along dividing moms wedding set after she passed away. Need advice.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do you like your sister otherwise? If so I'd let it go.

Do you want to keep the coin collection? Then agree to a value and pay your sibs out.



OP: I don't think I like people who look out only for themselves, and it looks to me that my sister falls in this category.


OP, your response here tells us that there's more going on in your whole past history with your sister (and possibly your brother) than a few stones and coins that collectively aren't worth that much.

If you would carry around these issues for four years after a death, the bigger picture here is not about these objects. You mention only late in your first post that your sister somehow charged your mom a whopping amount for caring for her, when you never "charged" anything. Any chance that "charge" was actually money taken from your mom's funds to pay for medical needs that were increasing because your mom was getting closer to passing away? Or that your sister was hiring other caregivers at times to come into the home or anything like that? Or do you just know for certain --and I'd want to be certain before filing it under "I resent her forever" -- that your sister was basically pocketing mom's cash at a rate of three grand a month? I'm just saying, do you know for sure why sister "charged" or where that money went, or are you assuming she was paying herself? Was she stopping a paying job of her own to care for your mom? Not saying that alone is reason to take the money but it might offer some explanation....

Lots more to this story somewhere. And I'd bet it includes sibling issues from before your mom's illness.

PP who says above, if you like your sister otherwise, drop all this, is absolutely right. And I'd add, if you like your brother otherwise, send him the coins and forget about them and don't worry about getting your third of $130. But it sounds like there are old issues behind these struggles over what are just things.

Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 09:22     Subject: Sister and I can't get along dividing moms wedding set after she passed away. Need advice.
You got your grandmother diamond, which I would think has more sentimental value. Give your brother the coin collection. Tell both of them that you don't feel like communicating with them until everything from the estate is settled as stated in the will. And then let it go. If they don't contact you, realize that you can't choose your blood relatives. If they to, but don't straighten this out, repeat your initial statement.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 09:21     Subject: Sister and I can't get along dividing moms wedding set after she passed away. Need advice.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. This is clearly hard for everyone and there's a lot of emotion involved.

You need to figure out what everyone wants: the money or the items. If everyone just wants the money, then sell it and divide the proceeds. If only one of you want the actual items, then that person should buy the others out (for a fair price). Best case scenario, your sister wants the money, you want the diamonds, you send her cash and get the wedding set.

About your brother: He wants a coin collection that you don't care about and view as worthless. Why haven't you just sent it to him already? That seems petty.