Take your son and stay in hotel this weekend.

You need to end the drama.

And throw those invitations in the TRASH.

You're getting a ton of good advice in this thread. It may be too late to change arrangements for this weekend - I get that. After so long of being emotionally manipulated it might not be possible to say, "they are not staying here this week and need to stay in a hotel."

I would recommend dropping the invitation issue entirely. If you do manage to change arrangements this weekend you could look petty, as if it's payback. You don't want to get into a petty payback contest with MIL. Not worth it.

If your Inlaws are showing up in the next day or two, I think some of the confrontations things people are advising you to do would be difficult.

So I'd do one of two things:
- simply brightly say to husband - you know, my parents always stay in a hotel while yours stay here. This time, let's switch it up and my parent swill be staying here. Do you want the number of the hotel so you can make reservations for inlaws? NEVER bring up invitations. If he balks, simply say THIS IS NON NEGOTIABLE and stick to it. Don't allow him to draw you into manipulative argument.
- if you can't get out of them staying with you in a way that works for you (and I'm saying this because you're crying over the invitations which makes me think you don't have the immediate strength to flat our put your foot down the way you are being advised), then what can you move to the hotel? Can you spend dinners/evenings at the hotel with your child and your family? Could you get a party room at the hotel and move the party? Whatever it takes to get out of house where there seems to be a toxic environment brewing.

Finally, and I say this will all understanding, you say you've gone to therapy. I'd recommend more, as a way to practice detachment.

Anonymous wrote:Take everything you purchased, put it in a box and mail it to her with a note saying, "You had asked for my help in designing this so I wanted to make sure you had them. I think they're beautiful." And that's it. You do need to attend the party but don't do anything else to assist with it.

This. I would never again go one step out of my way to do anything for her.

Frankly, if someone peed on my carpet, they would not be staying at my house again. I'd be getting a room at the hotel my parents were staying at.

Don't write her an email. Just let this go. But DON"T offer to help her out again in the future. If she asks for your help, you politely decline because you have too many other obligations right now.

And, for God's sake, if they do anything destructive to your home again, make them stay at a hotel. Their behavior is horrible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks for your advice. I definitely think my in-laws need to stay in a hotel. They will probably invite themselves to my husband's aunt and uncle's house. When I say they are wealthy, they can definitely afford to stay somewhere else. I didn't say this earlier but my MIL had the audacity to tell my husband not to move my son from his nursery to his "big boy" room because she didn't want to stay on our third floor (the new room is the biggest bedroom in our house).

I just signed up again for therapy. I realize I need it. My husband won't go to Al-Anon but I want to encourage it.

About the family party later, I feel like I will be the one who will "look bad" by not attending and I don't want my son to have a bad opinion of his grandparents. However, I don't want to celebrate these two either.

I think the worst is how my husband has made me feel. I understand his mom. She is the worst and not going to change, but that my husband always sides with his parents and makes me feel awful for their actions makes me furious.

Sounds like you have a good plan in place. Will your DH balk about the hotel room? After the kids go to bed tonight, I think you need to talk to DH and tell him that you expect him to be loyal to you and protective of your family, and that you are disappointed in how he has handled this whole situation. Reiterate that you love him and you know that his interaction with his parents is difficult because of childhood issues, but that you expect him to step up and be the father and husband that your family needs. To do that, he needs therapy. Until you are both better able to handle this dynamic, his parents must at the very least stay in a hotel. Let him know that FIL will be expected to leave your house if he is drunk and MIL will be asked to leave if/when she makes racist or verbally abusive remarks.

The pp has really good advice above OP. Can you tell your DH the above? Can you tell him you are going back to therapy to deal with this because its affecting you so much? Communication is really key.

Anonymous wrote:thanks for your advice. I definitely think my in-laws need to stay in a hotel. They will probably invite themselves to my husband's aunt and uncle's house. When I say they are wealthy, they can definitely afford to stay somewhere else. I didn't say this earlier but my MIL had the audacity to tell my husband not to move my son from his nursery to his "big boy" room because she didn't want to stay on our third floor (the new room is the biggest bedroom in our house).

I just signed up again for therapy. I realize I need it. My husband won't go to Al-Anon but I want to encourage it.

About the family party later, I feel like I will be the one who will "look bad" by not attending and I don't want my son to have a bad opinion of his grandparents. However, I don't want to celebrate these two either.

I think the worst is how my husband has made me feel. I understand his mom. She is the worst and not going to change, but that my husband always sides with his parents and makes me feel awful for their actions makes me furious.

Sounds like you have a good plan in place. Will your DH balk about the hotel room? After the kids go to bed tonight, I think you need to talk to DH and tell him that you expect him to be loyal to you and protective of your family, and that you are disappointed in how he has handled this whole situation. Reiterate that you love him and you know that his interaction with his parents is difficult because of childhood issues, but that you expect him to step up and be the father and husband that your family needs. To do that, he needs therapy. Until you are both better able to handle this dynamic, his parents must at the very least stay in a hotel. Let him know that FIL will be expected to leave your house if he is drunk and MIL will be asked to leave if/when she makes racist or verbally abusive remarks.

Why do rich people invite themselves to your home when they know you are having 30 guests? I didn't grow up in a family where this was common. My out of town relatives would stay in a hotel. My husband's family will squeeze people into every crevice. Is it a rich person thing?

thanks for your advice. I definitely think my in-laws need to stay in a hotel. They will probably invite themselves to my husband's aunt and uncle's house. When I say they are wealthy, they can definitely afford to stay somewhere else. I didn't say this earlier but my MIL had the audacity to tell my husband not to move my son from his nursery to his "big boy" room because she didn't want to stay on our third floor (the new room is the biggest bedroom in our house).

I just signed up again for therapy. I realize I need it. My husband won't go to Al-Anon but I want to encourage it.

About the family party later, I feel like I will be the one who will "look bad" by not attending and I don't want my son to have a bad opinion of his grandparents. However, I don't want to celebrate these two either.

I think the worst is how my husband has made me feel. I understand his mom. She is the worst and not going to change, but that my husband always sides with his parents and makes me feel awful for their actions makes me furious.

Here's what you've done wrong here: you've made it YOUR problem. You CARED. You cannot do this. It is what it is, it was like that before you came along, and it will be like that forever. You have to let it happen and just not involve yourself in it at all. MIL wants you to help with invites? Take a step back, b/c she's going to start playing some games. She is playing you b/c you are a normal person and you care. Really, you just have to live your life and control what you can control (your life, your children's life, your home, your relationship with your DH) and let all that other drama exist on some other plane out to the side, and don't any of it intermingle with any of the stuff you are in control of. Be as nice and as noncommittal as possible. It's tough, but eventually you get better at it. Even when my MIL compliments me now, I just say, "Thank you," and don't get pulled into her drama. She just uses it b/c the next time, she'll whiplash you with something mean or underhanded. Sorry, but that's just the way she is.

Exactly - and get your DH into counseling with you so he can better understand the dynamic of alcoholism. My father was an outrageous alcoholic and I know how hard it is to overcome that dynamic. At a minimum, your kids should not be witness to that behavior. (BTW - pissing on the carpet is something my dad would do.) Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:Another tragic case of DCUM Doormat Syndrome.

It seems you and I have been on DCUM for many years. Makes me feel it's time I moved on.

Anonymous wrote:
I posted before, but forgot one key point.

You HAVE to send her the bill for that $500.

She's not going to pay it. a bill will just fuel the fire. You need to ignore this crazy woman and move on! Stop engaging with her. Seriously, move on.

Marriage counseling STAT!
Your DH is the child of an alcoholic...he's spent his entire childhood/life trying to please and deflect...he needs help
You need to get into therapy to find someone to help you establish boundaries with your husband.

I think there is some good advice here, but I would like to add a couple more points.

1) Alcoholism is a serious disease and it often hurts the whole family. You need to do what you can to protect yourself and you child(ren). You should encourage DH to do the same as well. One free resource is Al-Anon (http://www.al-anon.org/). It's a nationwide support group for friends and family members of alcoholics. I really encourage you to try a couple sessions. You'll find that what you're dealing with is not unique, and is in fact very common. You'll meet people in various stages of learning how to deal with having a alcoholic family member and you can learn from them. Please, for your children's sake, try them. There are meetings all over the place and many different times. If you don't like one group, try another.

2) I know this is being said, but get counseling. You'll need it for yourself. Also try to get your husband to take part in couples therapy.

3) I suggest making your child's birthday party a dry party for the adults. You don't need to announce it beforehand (it sounds like your MIL or FIL would just bring alcohol), but just don't have alcohol in the house. Literally hide it. And hide it well. Not only might that prevent a horrible incident, but it will send a clear message about how much your FIL's actions bother you.

4) Start getting used to standing up for yourself and having a voice. If your MIL makes racist comments, interject and tell her that is not appropriate in your house, that you do not want your child to hear those words being used, and next time she says it she will need to leave. Say it firmly and calmly. And stick to your guns.

Really, though, this comes down to you sticking up for yourself and your children. Do it calmly. Say what you need to say to DH. Repeat if necessary. And it will be.

I'm so sorry, OP.

You have every right to be hurt and angry.

Your husband needs to grow some cajones and tell his parents where to shove it. They are 100% disrespectful of you.

Your husband and his parents should stay in a hotel this weekend.

My MIL can be sort of bitchy and opinionated. My husband puts her in her place every time she steps over her boundaries and sticks up for me, our kids and himself. If he didn't, we would have huge problems in our marriage.

I posted before, but forgot one key point.

You HAVE to send her the bill for that $500.