Anonymous wrote:He'll cheat on her, too, OP.

+1

They deserve each other. He's her problem now.

^^^^bill fight = bull fight

^^^^OP adds, yes, my husband is an asshole too, don't think for a minute that I don't think he's the scum of the earth. I hate him

See previous post for OW separate cloud "I bear no responsibility" theory.

Yes, I still think your participation in this mess is not guilt free. And I still hate you and now I think you're stupid too for not checking out his story which probably had more red flags than a bill fight.

Anonymous wrote:OW here. If hating me makes you feel better, I can take it.
The wife called me. He had been lying to the both of us. I don't think anyone sets out to destroy anyone's family.

OP: You had luxury of knowledge or the luxury to obtain knowledge if you wanted to open your eyes instead of your legs. Lying to you????? Have you never googled people? did you meet any of his friends relatives or children? Go to his place? Call him at his home phone instead of his cell all the time? Pick him up from work? Go to the office Christmas party? Why not?

Now boo effing hooo you want to state that you're not the evil home wrecker everyone thought you were because you didn't PLAN it. You didn't SET out to do it but at the hundreds of steps on the way to bedding him, there was never a small opportunity where you have might have had an inkling of the start of a thought - that you couldn't have just stopped or thought of someone else. No, because you got involved, you selfishly ignored the consequences, didn't do any due diligence to look at the reasonableness of his story, just accepted it because you got what you wanted.

In the mean time, I have had nightmares, panic attacks, I cry for no reason, my dreams of old age with my spouse and grand children have been permanently changed, I have had to become a single parent, move out of my house which is up for sale, my kids changed school systems, they're all in counseling, I'm in counseling. The kids as heartbreaking questions that I don't know how to answer. During all this, I had to bury my mother.

Cry me a river.

I think it's because people don't want to believe they didn't know what was going on. They were lied to. Ni one ever thinks something like this will happen to them. It easier to hate someone you don't know. You start to think of that person as a non person and make excuses for this person you have a life with. Whom you have known for years. Because obviously were he in his right mind he wouldn't have done this.

Remember that thread a few months ago the guy was having an affair and women were cheering this woman on as she talked about being a mother to the OW new baby. She went on and on about her husband although he was 15-20 yrs older he didn't know what hit him and this frumpy administration asst cooked his meals and took advantage of him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been talking to the other woman. I just found out about their affair and the trauma has been so deep and painful but I started emailing her to ask how she sleeps at night knowing she is breaking a family with little kids. Her responses were discusting and she believes he was in love with her. He also told her lies about us getting divorced. It was news to me until I found out. I can't say she felt bad but she was honest about everything--more so than my cheating husband. It was also gratifying to see how petrified he seemed about us being in communication.

I still feel like I want to puke though. She sent me every vile email he had sent her.

Hate her? Sounds like you should be thanking her for being the only person with enough decency to tell you the truth. She's being better to you than your husband right now, and she's a stranger!
She's not breaking up your family- your husband is. That might hurt more but eventually you'll realize it's the truth and I think you'll find strength in it. Because you have no control over all of the potential other women in the world, but you do have control over who you will choose to marry in the future.
It's very rough now- I wish you peace.

Yeah, based on this description, you should be mostly mad at your DH. Unless the OW was some kind of magical seductress, he bears the most responsibility.

Agree. I wonder how this would be playing if tables were turned and the OP was a man and the cheater was the wife. Actually, I don't wonder, I know. I am sick and tired of men being given a pass and women being blamed for mens actions. From cheating to sexual assault to street harassment. 9 times out 10 even if this particular OW wasn't in the picture he would have cheated with someone else. It's not the OW fault you husband chose to break his vow to you and cheat and lie about it. It's his. Especially since she is the one who is now being honest and your husband is still lying to you really makes one wonder why you choosing direct you anger in this manner.

OW here. If hating me makes you feel better, I can take it.
The wife called me. He had been lying to the both of us. I don't think anyone sets out to destroy anyone's family.

Anonymous wrote:There I said it. Yes, I can hear it already ..... the issue is between you and your husband.....if you had been a better wife he wouldn't have looked elsewhere......were you putting out? ...... You married the wrong guy...... Your husband made vows to you, the OW has no obligation ..... Work on yourself .... stop focusing any energy that way ....... What issues did you bring to this situation...... Get some counseling....

I'm tired of the OW getting off the hook so easy. My marriage is finished. While I'm carrying around a 200 pound sand bag of grief, trying to put my life back together, shock, and feeling very PTSD-ish. It seems like I'm the only one paying a huge price for THEIR choices. He could have f'ing left. And she could have kept her legs together and waited for some hot single dude.

I hate my husband. I hate the other woman. So There.

OP - it's so annoying what people say. Especially the idea that you are somehow to blame.

They are both horrible and you should hate them as much as you want. And remember that karma is a bitch but oftentimes very slow. They will get theirs.

Your DH made the choice to run around. Years ago, I met a man who told me he was divorced. He even said how he had committe financial suicide when he divorced. I saw him on weekends and holidays. By acvident, I. Found out it was all a lie and I went to his home one afternoon. Met his wife and told her everything. Never heard from the slimeball again

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been talking to the other woman. I just found out about their affair and the trauma has been so deep and painful but I started emailing her to ask how she sleeps at night knowing she is breaking a family with little kids. Her responses were discusting and she believes he was in love with her. He also told her lies about us getting divorced. It was news to me until I found out. I can't say she felt bad but she was honest about everything--more so than my cheating husband. It was also gratifying to see how petrified he seemed about us being in communication.

I still feel like I want to puke though. She sent me every vile email he had sent her.

Hate her? Sounds like you should be thanking her for being the only person with enough decency to tell you the truth. She's being better to you than your husband right now, and she's a stranger!
She's not breaking up your family- your husband is. That might hurt more but eventually you'll realize it's the truth and I think you'll find strength in it. Because you have no control over all of the potential other women in the world, but you do have control over who you will choose to marry in the future.
It's very rough now- I wish you peace.

Yeah, based on this description, you should be mostly mad at your DH. Unless the OW was some kind of magical seductress, he bears the most responsibility.

Anonymous wrote:^^^ the OW has an obligation to be a decent human being, to not cause harm to others on purpose. This OW knew both: that there could be no good outcome and that he was married. Come on, we're not in fourth grade any more where if Billy likes Susie instead of Tammy. Whole family systems get destroyed. The OW could have waited for the divorce if shes that into the guy. Don't pretend no one has any clue. That's just insulting on top of hurtful.

+1

Anonymous wrote:I have been talking to the other woman. I just found out about their affair and the trauma has been so deep and painful but I started emailing her to ask how she sleeps at night knowing she is breaking a family with little kids. Her responses were discusting and she believes he was in love with her. He also told her lies about us getting divorced. It was news to me until I found out. I can't say she felt bad but she was honest about everything--more so than my cheating husband. It was also gratifying to see how petrified he seemed about us being in communication.

I still feel like I want to puke though. She sent me every vile email he had sent her.

Hate her? Sounds like you should be thanking her for being the only person with enough decency to tell you the truth. She's being better to you than your husband right now, and she's a stranger!
She's not breaking up your family- your husband is. That might hurt more but eventually you'll realize it's the truth and I think you'll find strength in it. Because you have no control over all of the potential other women in the world, but you do have control over who you will choose to marry in the future.
It's very rough now- I wish you peace.

OP: so it's degrees of responsibility? It doesn't translate to degrees of hate. I hate them both equally. My husband and the OW.

Lets be real that this whole scene sucks. And whoever sucks less, husband or OW doesn't make an asswipe of difference to me. Let the OW explain to GOD why committing adultery is great. I think GOD separates the single adulterer in their own special "I bear no responsibility" cloud.

BTW, Thanks to the sisters who gave a shout out of support.

^^^ the OW has an obligation to be a decent human being, to not cause harm to others on purpose. This OW knew both: that there could be no good outcome and that he was married. Come on, we're not in fourth grade any more where if Billy likes Susie instead of Tammy. Whole family systems get destroyed. The OW could have waited for the divorce if shes that into the guy. Don't pretend no one has any clue. That's just insulting on top of hurtful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There I said it. Yes, I can hear it already ..... the issue is between you and your husband.....if you had been a better wife he wouldn't have looked elsewhere......were you putting out? ...... You married the wrong guy...... Your husband made vows to you, the OW has no obligation ..... Work on yourself .... stop focusing any energy that way ....... What issues did you bring to this situation...... Get some counseling....

I'm tired of the OW getting off the hook so easy. My marriage is finished. While I'm carrying around a 200 pound sand bag of grief, trying to put my life back together, shock, and feeling very PTSD-ish. It seems like I'm the only one paying a huge price for THEIR choices. He could have f'ing left. And she could have kept her legs together and waited for some hot single dude.

I hate my husband. I hate the other woman. So There.

Hell to the no a thousand time to the bolded. It has nothing to do with you being a good wife or a bad wife. He made the decision to cheat. While I always hold the married person to higher standards than the other affair partner, the fact that yoru husband cheated had solely to do with him being a corrupt man who couldn't respect the vows he took and whitstand temptation.

The fact that you were or were not putting out is also irrelevant. Sorry to be crude but he has got hands for a reason.

+1

Of course it's not your fault regardless of what was going on in your bedroom.

Yes of course it's not right for ow to get with a married person but I think all of the hatred is a little misdirected. Face it the ow never vowed to be with you until death do us part never lied to your face. If my husband cheated yes I would hate him and I would hate Ow but I would hate him 1000 times more. Plus in some cases the cheaters tell the oW that the marriage has been over for years and they are each dating other people. Doesn't excuse it but Face it husband is the one who bears most of the responsibility.