Anonymous
Post 02/06/2015 09:23     Subject: Life Lesson: MILs that dont drive
get her an iphone and UBER account and be done
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2015 18:32     Subject: Life Lesson: MILs that dont drive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For those who care, Uber has had some lawsuits over their drivers refusing people with guide and other service dogs. Taxis do this too. Paratransit which was also mentioned doesn't work well either. They state that they can pick you up half an hour early or half an hour late. They also want their passengers to be outside waiting for them no matter the weather. Finally, paratransit is a shared ride system and they don't route by location. What this means is that you could be driven literally all over the county to pick up another passenger, then driven some more to drop that passenger off before you ever get to your destination. This means that if you have to be someplace on time (think doctor or dentist) you're screwed. Paratransit makes people who don't have to use feel like they are helping, yet is unusable if you need or want to be someplace. There is a reason why people don't just say "f*** it, I'll give up my car". As for op's mother-in-law, so long as your wife isn't canceling date night or failing to be home for the kids after school because Grandma decides at the last minute she absolutely needs something, what do you care? If you'd like to move, go ahead and do so. Your wife will either join you or not. Your post implies that you'd not have married her had you realized her mother couldn't drive. If that's the impression she's getting, I'd not move with you either. No way would I give up the friends, familarity, routines, and everything I know to be with a man who may regard me as a burden should my body break down. I'd also be thinking bout the type of person you'd be should your body break down and if that was something I wanted to live with.


OP here. I think you are oversimplifying. First and foremost, I am the sole financial provider. When we dated, what was discussed was that DW would work and that MIL would help by providing some day care services. DW decided to stay home. So, you want me to be the sole provider and I have no flexibility in how I earn the money ? Further when we dated I told my DW I didn't want to stay in the area and that if an opportunity presented itself to move to lower cost of living area that I would like to pursue I would and that her Mom was always welcome to come with us. So, my point of view DW was not truthful. She dismissed every opportunity, several of which were quite lucrative. So, if she feels that vibe it is because I think her Mom played off on my DWs nature to her own selfish agenda. Having your daughter dismiss all opportunities out of hand is selfish. It is. And with the benefit of hindsight I realize now it was in large part do to the lack of her mobility, which frankly had her living in a marginal neighborhood. So, and when I offered to pay for 1/2 a coop in a better neighborhood her siblings who had the means said no. It was easier to throw it on my shoulders. So, I have not been a heel. And my point stands, I would tell my children to take a hard look at MILs self sufficiency. In my case this has been going on since my late twenties since we were newlyweds.


OP - Boy, were you taken. Hope your wife is hot and good in bed! You might also want to tell your children not to marry liars!

Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2015 18:18     Subject: Life Lesson: MILs that dont drive
Anonymous wrote:For those who care, Uber has had some lawsuits over their drivers refusing people with guide and other service dogs. Taxis do this too. Paratransit which was also mentioned doesn't work well either. They state that they can pick you up half an hour early or half an hour late. They also want their passengers to be outside waiting for them no matter the weather. Finally, paratransit is a shared ride system and they don't route by location. What this means is that you could be driven literally all over the county to pick up another passenger, then driven some more to drop that passenger off before you ever get to your destination. This means that if you have to be someplace on time (think doctor or dentist) you're screwed. Paratransit makes people who don't have to use feel like they are helping, yet is unusable if you need or want to be someplace. There is a reason why people don't just say "f*** it, I'll give up my car". As for op's mother-in-law, so long as your wife isn't canceling date night or failing to be home for the kids after school because Grandma decides at the last minute she absolutely needs something, what do you care? If you'd like to move, go ahead and do so. Your wife will either join you or not. Your post implies that you'd not have married her had you realized her mother couldn't drive. If that's the impression she's getting, I'd not move with you either. No way would I give up the friends, familarity, routines, and everything I know to be with a man who may regard me as a burden should my body break down. I'd also be thinking bout the type of person you'd be should your body break down and if that was something I wanted to live with.


OP here. I think you are oversimplifying. First and foremost, I am the sole financial provider. When we dated, what was discussed was that DW would work and that MIL would help by providing some day care services. DW decided to stay home. So, you want me to be the sole provider and I have no flexibility in how I earn the money ? Further when we dated I told my DW I didn't want to stay in the area and that if an opportunity presented itself to move to lower cost of living area that I would like to pursue I would and that her Mom was always welcome to come with us. So, my point of view DW was not truthful. She dismissed every opportunity, several of which were quite lucrative. So, if she feels that vibe it is because I think her Mom played off on my DWs nature to her own selfish agenda. Having your daughter dismiss all opportunities out of hand is selfish. It is. And with the benefit of hindsight I realize now it was in large part do to the lack of her mobility, which frankly had her living in a marginal neighborhood. So, and when I offered to pay for 1/2 a coop in a better neighborhood her siblings who had the means said no. It was easier to throw it on my shoulders. So, I have not been a heel. And my point stands, I would tell my children to take a hard look at MILs self sufficiency. In my case this has been going on since my late twenties since we were newlyweds.
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2015 15:14     Subject: Re:Life Lesson: MILs that dont drive


OP - I do not know how old you and DW are, but perhaps it would help your mental health and your relationship with your wife to start to plan vacations which you would enjoy out of the area and with no thoughts of MIL. Start with a weekend trip and then make plans for a week or so to places you and hopefully wife would enjoy visiting. If you must during the time you are gone, set up an account with a reliable cab company so MIl knows if weather was not good or she did not feel up to using public transit as in cold or extreme summer heat she could call a cab.

You should be able to explain to your wife that you need time outside of the hustle and bustle of the DC area and that you also want to just have time with her, too. If you start small then perhaps as you age, the concept of two week or even a month away a couple of times a year would develop. part of it is building up MILs confidence that she will have access to transportation. The other avenue to pursue would be through an agency to hire a person who would take MIL out to where she needs to go and/or perhaps be a companion of sorts for a few hours a week. It depends on MIL's needs and your need for respite, too. Again this is sort of a middle of the road suggestion.
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2015 14:32     Subject: Life Lesson: MILs that dont drive
For those who care, Uber has had some lawsuits over their drivers refusing people with guide and other service dogs. Taxis do this too. Paratransit which was also mentioned doesn't work well either. They state that they can pick you up half an hour early or half an hour late. They also want their passengers to be outside waiting for them no matter the weather. Finally, paratransit is a shared ride system and they don't route by location. What this means is that you could be driven literally all over the county to pick up another passenger, then driven some more to drop that passenger off before you ever get to your destination. This means that if you have to be someplace on time (think doctor or dentist) you're screwed. Paratransit makes people who don't have to use feel like they are helping, yet is unusable if you need or want to be someplace. There is a reason why people don't just say "f*** it, I'll give up my car". As for op's mother-in-law, so long as your wife isn't canceling date night or failing to be home for the kids after school because Grandma decides at the last minute she absolutely needs something, what do you care? If you'd like to move, go ahead and do so. Your wife will either join you or not. Your post implies that you'd not have married her had you realized her mother couldn't drive. If that's the impression she's getting, I'd not move with you either. No way would I give up the friends, familarity, routines, and everything I know to be with a man who may regard me as a burden should my body break down. I'd also be thinking bout the type of person you'd be should your body break down and if that was something I wanted to live with.
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2015 12:36     Subject: Life Lesson: MILs that dont drive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
But OP, you do realize that this Life. You are continually bound by different restrictions that vary as you go through life, some which you may have foreseen (but perhaps didn't), and others that you couldn't possibly have foreseen.

So just accept that Life throws stuff at you and make do with what you have.


Not OP, but the stuff that we must deal with that Life throws at us tends to involve people who are dependents (children) and things on which we are dependent (a paycheck). I have a friend whose DD has a severe disability and who will require support for life. That is something Life threw at my friend and her DH, agreed.

But a MIL? None of us signs up to have our parents dependent on us in the way that OP describes, particularly when they are adults capable of taking care of certain necessary tasks themselves. (I would put driving in that category if OP's MIL does not have easy access to public transportation.)

I would be angry and bitter, myself.


I see your point but I also kind of disagree. For most of human history and in most all cultures, elderly relatives ARE seen as dependents on a family, in increasing degree as they age of course since they are adults too its not the same as having children but its not totally the opposite either. I personally like the idea of a society where taking care of the oldest and the youngest is just something everyone in the middle does. I think its probably healthiest for families too- fosters inter-generational bonds and also might take away some of the hyper-focus on child rearing (since they are your only concern) which isn't necessarily doing each generation any favors. Eventually a corporate culture would catch up too, I would hope. As it is in more collectivist societies.


I don't disagree with you (although that is not my family culture). But OP's MIL is not, from the sounds of it, frail or incapable or demented or otherwise incapacitated such that she must depend on others. She does not need care, other than rides. She chose not to learn to drive, and continues to make that choice.

In OP's shoes, I would be angry and bitter, because the dependency in question here is a choice.


PP you quoted. I see your point, that is fair. I am wondering if the daughter's relucatance to move is because she doesn't want her mother to age further, or get to that point and be far away. Would be interesting to hear her side. Its hard for families where one person doesn't see geographical proximity to extended family in the same way- and often its not something that really becomes as apparent until you get to an age with kids and/or aging parents. Tough situation for OP.

I know that for me, my DH and I both love San Diego, living there would be amazing- but I would never, ever want to actually move because I don't want to have a life where my kids and my parents/siblings are that far away. he's from a family where no 2 generations live in the same state, so he doesn't get this and I think might somewhat resent me for not just wanting to pick up and move 3000 or even 10,000 (a real possibility) miles away and just do the visit at the holidays thing if WE love where we live.
Anonymous
Post 02/03/2015 19:45     Subject: Life Lesson: MILs that dont drive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
But OP, you do realize that this Life. You are continually bound by different restrictions that vary as you go through life, some which you may have foreseen (but perhaps didn't), and others that you couldn't possibly have foreseen.

So just accept that Life throws stuff at you and make do with what you have.

A rare hint of sanity around here!

OP, if your family is such a burden, get a divorce and live alone. This way you can go whenever and wherever you want without having to consider others. I assume you're an adult who realized that family comes with responsibilities, and often limitations, before you got married. But then again, I tend to overestimate people in general and husbands in particular LOL


OP here. Thank you for your helpful tone. I married relatively young and hindsight I really hadn't lived enough to truly be called an adult. And frankly, no I did not see the limitations. When opportunity knocked, and it did, we didn't explore them. And a large reason for that was because of DWs Mom's predicament. So, from my point of view that didn't take into account what was best for the family. And that is the lesson I am trying to impart.
Anonymous
Post 02/03/2015 19:33     Subject: Life Lesson: MILs that dont drive
Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you but DW is NOT going to change. Her mother is NOT going to change. You have to make a choice, find a way to make it more bearable for you in the long term (find compromises with DW) or get out.

Thinking you're going to move while MIL is alive is foolish. Thinking DW is going to place you/your marriage over her mother is foolish. She is not going to seek therapy to get to the root of her mixed priorities.

Good luck, I feel bad for you.


OP here. Thanks for the post. I too have come to this realization. Thank you for your empathy - really wasn't my intent. More of a if you knew then what you know now, what would you do differently ? I am sure we all have life lessons to share. This would be one of mine. Thanks again.
Anonymous
Post 02/03/2015 09:35     Subject: Life Lesson: MILs that dont drive
Anonymous wrote:
But OP, you do realize that this Life. You are continually bound by different restrictions that vary as you go through life, some which you may have foreseen (but perhaps didn't), and others that you couldn't possibly have foreseen.

So just accept that Life throws stuff at you and make do with what you have.

A rare hint of sanity around here!

OP, if your family is such a burden, get a divorce and live alone. This way you can go whenever and wherever you want without having to consider others. I assume you're an adult who realized that family comes with responsibilities, and often limitations, before you got married. But then again, I tend to overestimate people in general and husbands in particular LOL
Anonymous
Post 02/03/2015 09:28     Subject: Life Lesson: MILs that dont drive
OP, I feel for you but DW is NOT going to change. Her mother is NOT going to change. You have to make a choice, find a way to make it more bearable for you in the long term (find compromises with DW) or get out.

Thinking you're going to move while MIL is alive is foolish. Thinking DW is going to place you/your marriage over her mother is foolish. She is not going to seek therapy to get to the root of her mixed priorities.

Good luck, I feel bad for you.
Anonymous
Post 02/03/2015 08:32     Subject: Life Lesson: MILs that dont drive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is a marriage problem, not a driving problem. Your wife won't let her mother deal with the consequences of her own choices. MIL not driving is not a reason not to move in every marriage.


What if the dr has told her to stop driving? So it's not a choice, but an issue of her and others safety. Does your answer change?


No, because there are alternatives available: Uber rides, car service, taxis. Montgomery County has subsidized transport for seniors IIRC. There is also Peapod, Amazon Prime.

If MIL will not drive, then she needs to put systems into place to get what she needs.

op here and that is where the frustration started. Her system is to remain in an urban area. So when time in my life came to explore other options they could not be considered. Perhaps that is why I sound bitter. And she doesn't drive,doesn't want to drive,doesn't want the expense of a car. So, yeah, after awhile, you start to recognize that is her choice not mine. And perhaps there is some anger there because of limiting effect.


If she can get around because she lives in an urban area, then why does her not driving limit you?

because I have been tied to the surrounding area because DW won't leave her Mom and her Mom won't move because of reliance on mass transit.


You don't have a MIL problem; you have a DW problem.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2015 19:36     Subject: Life Lesson: MILs that dont drive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is a marriage problem, not a driving problem. Your wife won't let her mother deal with the consequences of her own choices. MIL not driving is not a reason not to move in every marriage.


What if the dr has told her to stop driving? So it's not a choice, but an issue of her and others safety. Does your answer change?


No, because there are alternatives available: Uber rides, car service, taxis. Montgomery County has subsidized transport for seniors IIRC. There is also Peapod, Amazon Prime.

If MIL will not drive, then she needs to put systems into place to get what she needs.

op here and that is where the frustration started. Her system is to remain in an urban area. So when time in my life came to explore other options they could not be considered. Perhaps that is why I sound bitter. And she doesn't drive,doesn't want to drive,doesn't want the expense of a car. So, yeah, after awhile, you start to recognize that is her choice not mine. And perhaps there is some anger there because of limiting effect.


If she can get around because she lives in an urban area, then why does her not driving limit you?

because I have been tied to the surrounding area because DW won't leave her Mom and her Mom won't move because of reliance on mass transit.



So if mom is able to rely on mass transit how are you inconvenienced?


did you read the thread ?
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2015 18:15     Subject: Life Lesson: MILs that dont drive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is a marriage problem, not a driving problem. Your wife won't let her mother deal with the consequences of her own choices. MIL not driving is not a reason not to move in every marriage.


What if the dr has told her to stop driving? So it's not a choice, but an issue of her and others safety. Does your answer change?


No, because there are alternatives available: Uber rides, car service, taxis. Montgomery County has subsidized transport for seniors IIRC. There is also Peapod, Amazon Prime.

If MIL will not drive, then she needs to put systems into place to get what she needs.

op here and that is where the frustration started. Her system is to remain in an urban area. So when time in my life came to explore other options they could not be considered. Perhaps that is why I sound bitter. And she doesn't drive,doesn't want to drive,doesn't want the expense of a car. So, yeah, after awhile, you start to recognize that is her choice not mine. And perhaps there is some anger there because of limiting effect.


If she can get around because she lives in an urban area, then why does her not driving limit you?

because I have been tied to the surrounding area because DW won't leave her Mom and her Mom won't move because of reliance on mass transit.



So if mom is able to rely on mass transit how are you inconvenienced?
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2015 16:39     Subject: Life Lesson: MILs that dont drive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Relocating to avoid winters?

Pathetic. OP, it seems to me that all your problems could be solved by:
a) putting a sweater on; and
b) stop being such a pussy.

OP here. Thanks for your insights.


Well, you need to get over yourself. You have no real reason to move, you probably don't even want to move. You do, however, want to pick a random fight with your spouse over something that cannot be helped and that in the big scheme of things is pretty trivial.


if you do it want to add to the conversation in a meaningful way please refrain from further postings.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2015 16:34     Subject: Life Lesson: MILs that dont drive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is a marriage problem, not a driving problem. Your wife won't let her mother deal with the consequences of her own choices. MIL not driving is not a reason not to move in every marriage.


What if the dr has told her to stop driving? So it's not a choice, but an issue of her and others safety. Does your answer change?


No, because there are alternatives available: Uber rides, car service, taxis. Montgomery County has subsidized transport for seniors IIRC. There is also Peapod, Amazon Prime.

If MIL will not drive, then she needs to put systems into place to get what she needs.

op here and that is where the frustration started. Her system is to remain in an urban area. So when time in my life came to explore other options they could not be considered. Perhaps that is why I sound bitter. And she doesn't drive,doesn't want to drive,doesn't want the expense of a car. So, yeah, after awhile, you start to recognize that is her choice not mine. And perhaps there is some anger there because of limiting effect.


If she can get around because she lives in an urban area, then why does her not driving limit you?

because I have been tied to the surrounding area because DW won't leave her Mom and her Mom won't move because of reliance on mass transit.