Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH, if the roles were reversed and my DH ever tried to treat my parents the way some of you are advising the OP to do, we would divorce with a quickness.

But like a PP said, familes are different. I love my IL's and they are welcome to stay whenever they come to town just as my parents are. And this is something DH and I discussed at length befoe we were married - what role would our parents play. The one thing we told both sets is that we would not be elaborately entertaiing them. We work them into our routine. They are fine with that and actually like living a part of our day to day. I enjoy their adult company and they always babysit one night while we go out. So...instead of turning them away, we have embraced them and made it pleasant.

Spot on!

Some of the advice on this issue is nothing short of a prescription for destroying a marriage.

But what about the husband's complete disregard for what his wife has stated is an issue for her?

But about the wife's complete disregard for what her DH has stated is an issue for him? See...we could do this all day and not solve anything. TBH, this is one of those issues where OP and her DH need to compromise going in with the understanding that neither of them will get 100% of what they want. Wanting IL's to stay in a hotel is NOT a compromise.

it doesn't quite work that way, pp. You are saying the wife has complete disregard because she isn't doing exactly what DH wants as often as he wants. THe wife doesn't have complete disregard for her DH's position (parents visiting). SHe is compromising. First, by letting this go on for quite a while so far, and now, asking they stay at hotel, or not visit as much. That's compromise - NOT complete disregard.

Her DH, OTOH, is basically saying f-you. they are coming as much as they have been, staying here, end of story. That's complete disregard. See.... we can't do this all day and not solve anything.

Anonymous wrote:
Right...but turning them away would also be a unilateral decision and would create MORE problems than it would solve. You can win the battle but still lose the war. I agree that some sort of compromise about workload, frequency and length is in order, but my out of town parents would never be asked to stay in a hotel as a convieneience to us - so I would not ask my IL's.

But do your parents or in-laws visit for 4 days every month?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH, if the roles were reversed and my DH ever tried to treat my parents the way some of you are advising the OP to do, we would divorce with a quickness.

But like a PP said, familes are different. I love my IL's and they are welcome to stay whenever they come to town just as my parents are. And this is something DH and I discussed at length befoe we were married - what role would our parents play. The one thing we told both sets is that we would not be elaborately entertaiing them. We work them into our routine. They are fine with that and actually like living a part of our day to day. I enjoy their adult company and they always babysit one night while we go out. So...instead of turning them away, we have embraced them and made it pleasant.

Spot on!

Some of the advice on this issue is nothing short of a prescription for destroying a marriage.

But what about the husband's complete disregard for what his wife has stated is an issue for her?

But about the wife's complete disregard for what her DH has stated is an issue for him? See...we could do this all day and not solve anything. TBH, this is one of those issues where OP and her DH need to compromise going in with the understanding that neither of them will get 100% of what they want. Wanting IL's to stay in a hotel is NOT a compromise.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH, if the roles were reversed and my DH ever tried to treat my parents the way some of you are advising the OP to do, we would divorce with a quickness.

But like a PP said, familes are different. I love my IL's and they are welcome to stay whenever they come to town just as my parents are. And this is something DH and I discussed at length befoe we were married - what role would our parents play. The one thing we told both sets is that we would not be elaborately entertaiing them. We work them into our routine. They are fine with that and actually like living a part of our day to day. I enjoy their adult company and they always babysit one night while we go out. So...instead of turning them away, we have embraced them and made it pleasant.

Spot on!

Some of the advice on this issue is nothing short of a prescription for destroying a marriage.

Some of you are forgetting that hosting either set of ILs for four days a month would be a prescription for destroying many marriages--particularly when it is a unilateral decision from one partner.

Right...but turning them away would also be a unilateral decision and would create MORE problems than it would solve. You can win the battle but still lose the war. I agree that some sort of compromise about workload, frequency and length is in order, but my out of town parents would never be asked to stay in a hotel as a convieneience to us - so I would not ask my IL's.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH, if the roles were reversed and my DH ever tried to treat my parents the way some of you are advising the OP to do, we would divorce with a quickness.

But like a PP said, familes are different. I love my IL's and they are welcome to stay whenever they come to town just as my parents are. And this is something DH and I discussed at length befoe we were married - what role would our parents play. The one thing we told both sets is that we would not be elaborately entertaiing them. We work them into our routine. They are fine with that and actually like living a part of our day to day. I enjoy their adult company and they always babysit one night while we go out. So...instead of turning them away, we have embraced them and made it pleasant.

Spot on!

Some of the advice on this issue is nothing short of a prescription for destroying a marriage.

Some of you are forgetting that hosting either set of ILs for four days a month would be a prescription for destroying many marriages--particularly when it is a unilateral decision from one partner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH, if the roles were reversed and my DH ever tried to treat my parents the way some of you are advising the OP to do, we would divorce with a quickness.

But like a PP said, familes are different. I love my IL's and they are welcome to stay whenever they come to town just as my parents are. And this is something DH and I discussed at length befoe we were married - what role would our parents play. The one thing we told both sets is that we would not be elaborately entertaiing them. We work them into our routine. They are fine with that and actually like living a part of our day to day. I enjoy their adult company and they always babysit one night while we go out. So...instead of turning them away, we have embraced them and made it pleasant.

Spot on!

Some of the advice on this issue is nothing short of a prescription for destroying a marriage.

But what about the husband's complete disregard for what his wife has stated is an issue for her?

Anonymous wrote:TBH, if the roles were reversed and my DH ever tried to treat my parents the way some of you are advising the OP to do, we would divorce with a quickness.

But like a PP said, familes are different. I love my IL's and they are welcome to stay whenever they come to town just as my parents are. And this is something DH and I discussed at length befoe we were married - what role would our parents play. The one thing we told both sets is that we would not be elaborately entertaiing them. We work them into our routine. They are fine with that and actually like living a part of our day to day. I enjoy their adult company and they always babysit one night while we go out. So...instead of turning them away, we have embraced them and made it pleasant.

Spot on!

Some of the advice on this issue is nothing short of a prescription for destroying a marriage.

I love my parents and ILs, too, but no way would I want them to be at my house overnight for 4 days straight every danged month. Same goes with friends, siblings, etc.

I love them but I value my home life with dh and the kids. I don't want to feel pressured to keep the place guest ready and I don't want to feel obligated to keep guests' dietary preferences in mind while making dinner. Or their schedules in mind while trying to go about my own routine (showers, playing music at night, etc). Nor do I want an audience when I'm exercising indoors. A visit once a month or even once a week during the afternoon or early evening (or in my case even the morning) is one thing. But showing up with suitcases for check in...no.

Some folks have more of an open door, my house is your house sort of home. That might be good for extroverts. But introverts like me need our own little private oasis - that is home.

TBH, if the roles were reversed and my DH ever tried to treat my parents the way some of you are advising the OP to do, we would divorce with a quickness.

But like a PP said, familes are different. I love my IL's and they are welcome to stay whenever they come to town just as my parents are. And this is something DH and I discussed at length befoe we were married - what role would our parents play. The one thing we told both sets is that we would not be elaborately entertaiing them. We work them into our routine. They are fine with that and actually like living a part of our day to day. I enjoy their adult company and they always babysit one night while we go out. So...instead of turning them away, we have embraced them and made it pleasant.

In Ghana, they have a saying that you're only a guest for 3 days - I think monthly 4+ nightly guests are no longer "guests." They part of the household and should be on the chore rotation when they come. Given them two nights to cook dinner, have them do a few loads of laundry, send them out to buy groceries, and go out yourself to get a manicure while they watch the baby. Put them to work. You might resent them less, and hey - they probably want to help you out anyway. Maybe they think they already are, so just give them more guidance on what kind of help you need.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet the OP stays home and bears the brunt of every single thing related to the visits, not just the work, but the social aspects. Her husband probably feels free to work those days and doesn't help much when he is at home.

Jumping to these kinds of conclusions are SO typical of this board sometimes. Stop projecting your own shit onto each thread. Just like those who can't possibly fathom wanting to see someone ANYONE other than their spouse and kids for 4 day per month. Guess what? Some families are different? I can certainly imagine that having nightmare inlaws (I have friends who have some and friends who actually have horrid parents!) would be beyond stressful and can actually take a toll on a marriage just as I can easily imagine (or know) that there are plenty of grandparents who like spending that much time with their grandkids and that there are really good IL relationships out there. My DH spends 1 on 1 time with both of his FILs (I have a dad and step dad) when we are visiting because, gasp, he likes them.

I'm the PP you quoted and I'm not in the least projecting my own shit here. It's simple math. If the ILs visit 4 days a month, assuming 2 of those are weekend days, I'm willing to bet there's no way the husband takes 2 vacation days every single month to spend with his family.

Anonymous wrote:I bet the OP stays home and bears the brunt of every single thing related to the visits, not just the work, but the social aspects. Her husband probably feels free to work those days and doesn't help much when he is at home.

Jumping to these kinds of conclusions are SO typical of this board sometimes. Stop projecting your own shit onto each thread. Just like those who can't possibly fathom wanting to see someone ANYONE other than their spouse and kids for 4 day per month. Guess what? Some families are different? I can certainly imagine that having nightmare inlaws (I have friends who have some and friends who actually have horrid parents!) would be beyond stressful and can actually take a toll on a marriage just as I can easily imagine (or know) that there are plenty of grandparents who like spending that much time with their grandkids and that there are really good IL relationships out there. My DH spends 1 on 1 time with both of his FILs (I have a dad and step dad) when we are visiting because, gasp, he likes them.

Anonymous wrote:You're going to catch hell on this topic OP. Most people on her think you should kiss your guest ass. I do not agree with this. Next time they come into town you go out and stay in a hotel away from them. You are in a very shitty situation. Or tell the ILs that once a month is too much every other month or they can stay in a hotel. Or start getting your family to stay with you until he feels uncomfortable.

I don't think you should kiss anyone's ass, and I also think this is all awful advice. It's childish and indirect, passive-agressive BS. There is 100% room for compromise in there, in probably many different incarnations, you and your DH need to keep talking until he's willing to budge. Off the top of my head, since you say money isn't an issue, I would start by doing every other visit being in a hotel. Is it fair that you have to tap dance to get him to budge, probably not, but hey, neither is life. Also, its best to focus on your ILs through the eyes of your child, it helps me with my annoying FIL (not even DH's dad!) to see how much he genuinely cares for our son.

My parents or in laws come once a month. I don't cook special food for them, everyone is on their own for breakfast and lunch using things in the fridge. I "go to bed" around 8:30 or 9 because I have to be up with the baby.

If I'm not nursing, I use grandparents as a way to run errands alone or take a nap. DH entertains, plans for, and cleans for his parents. I plan and clean for mine.

We have the finished basement set up as a guest room. There is a bathroom down there. If I had to share a bathroom - hell no would people be staying at my house more than 3-4 times a year for 2-3 nights.

I feel you OP though because I work outside the home and I look forward to weekends. Weekends are when I get plenty of play time with my baby and when I cook for the week ahead. When we have guests I go back on Monday feeling like I didn't get a weekend. We have started making double batches of some things and using freezer meals the week after guests come. That helps.

That would drive me insane, particularly if I ha a new baby also. The ILs probably pitch it that they are helping you. The real problem is with your DH. Since he is weak and not respecting your wishes, your only hope is to space it farther apart. really having them come 4 days every month is the issue, not where they stay.