Anonymous
Post 01/22/2015 15:02     Subject: How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work
Anonymous wrote:I am totally the kind of person who pretends they want to work but is terrified of finding a job. As a SAHM, I have the ability to control my schedule insomuch as I am the boss of the kids. They go to school and I am around in the afternoon to shuttle them around. I also have a PhD but it was such a mistake that I regret (especially since my DH is paying the 150K of loans I racked up in school. He's justifiably bitter about it but deals.).

I am completely, utterly bored and unfulfilled. But I do my best to keep busy and focus on the kids and just keep going. I exercise. I take care of my looks. I have a great house. And I am completely brain dead from the lack of stimulation (I agree avoid the PTA, it's just a distraction). I feel for OP's wife because I am literally her future.

I realize the toll my opting out of my career has done to my life. I realize my marriage may collapse from my own resentment, my husband's resentment, and the kids obliviousness that we were people before they were people. I almost welcome the crash. My kids will be grown in college in 8 years. I can see my husband leaving. I think in those ashes, I may finally begin to begin. Because I am too scared to do anything now. I know that's a cop out but it is what it is.

OP, don't let your wife be me.


I'm so sorry you feel this way, but I CANNOT BELIEVE you spent 150k on an education you don't use and expect your DH to pay for it. I just can't believe it.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2015 14:56     Subject: How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work
I am totally the kind of person who pretends they want to work but is terrified of finding a job. As a SAHM, I have the ability to control my schedule insomuch as I am the boss of the kids. They go to school and I am around in the afternoon to shuttle them around. I also have a PhD but it was such a mistake that I regret (especially since my DH is paying the 150K of loans I racked up in school. He's justifiably bitter about it but deals.).

I am completely, utterly bored and unfulfilled. But I do my best to keep busy and focus on the kids and just keep going. I exercise. I take care of my looks. I have a great house. And I am completely brain dead from the lack of stimulation (I agree avoid the PTA, it's just a distraction). I feel for OP's wife because I am literally her future.

I realize the toll my opting out of my career has done to my life. I realize my marriage may collapse from my own resentment, my husband's resentment, and the kids obliviousness that we were people before they were people. I almost welcome the crash. My kids will be grown in college in 8 years. I can see my husband leaving. I think in those ashes, I may finally begin to begin. Because I am too scared to do anything now. I know that's a cop out but it is what it is.

OP, don't let your wife be me.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2015 14:52     Subject: Re:How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work
Anonymous wrote:
Have you asked her how you can best be supportive? What does she say when you ask her?

Also, does she "really" want to go back to work, or is she saying that because she thinks that it is the right thing to say?


So, people ask for help finding a job when they don't want one? Makes sense. What are you even trying to say here?


I have a lot of SAHM friends who have have said, and continue to say, that they feel like they should be back at work because they have advanced degrees and the kids are now all in school full-time. And, I think that a part of them really does miss the intellectual stimulation, pay, and prestige of their former careers. But, when push comes to shove, they don't want it *enough* to be launching a serious job search. They undertake more volunteer posts at the kids school, renovate the house, ponder other career paths, etc. Most of them are former attorneys and they don't want to be firm attorneys again (understandably), but are always to busy to look into other ways to use their degrees. They look at postings, but never send in resumes, etc., etc.

That is what I mean. So, yes, they talk the talk, but don't walk the walk. They feel conflicted. They like being at home and taking care of household things, but feel guilty because they know they have these fancy degrees that they aren't using, even though the kids don't need them for most of the day. They also feel conflicted because their DHs make a lot of money, so they don't financially need to work, but have been raised with the idea that they shouldn't rely upon a man as their plan.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2015 14:43     Subject: Re:How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work
Have you asked her how you can best be supportive? What does she say when you ask her?

Also, does she "really" want to go back to work, or is she saying that because she thinks that it is the right thing to say?


So, people ask for help finding a job when they don't want one? Makes sense. What are you even trying to say here?
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2015 14:13     Subject: How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work
Have you asked her how you can best be supportive? What does she say when you ask her?

Also, does she "really" want to go back to work, or is she saying that because she thinks that it is the right thing to say?
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2015 13:56     Subject: Re:How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work
OP, I didn't read the whole thread, so maybe this is already answered. But are your kids in school? Or can you afford for her to have a babysitter before she begins working? If so, then perhaps she can find an organization that she would be professionally interested in where she can volunteer. She can gain skills and confidence, start building a network, and sometimes these things lead to jobs. But she needs to be purposeful in looking for the volunteer experience. Stay away from the school related/PTA types of things. Try to find things that are of substance, and offer real responsibility. They are out there. A career counselor/coach might be helpful. Where are you located? The Women's Center in Vienna offers career services.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2015 12:38     Subject: How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work
Anonymous wrote:I feel like I should start a support group for SAHM who want to go back to work! I recently did it. It is a brutal process but worth it.

What say the rest of the SAHM who went back? Should I create the support group? Is this something your wife would do?


Yes to a support group.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2015 12:18     Subject: Re:How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
God. I see so many "brilliant" amd highly educated people in this town that simply can't handle real life or excel at a job. I'm a lawyer and interview and hire many people that fit this profile. After years of figuring out that many young lawyers fitting this profile simply can't hack the work and rarely are the ones to excel, I stopped hiring the most "berilliant."


So who do you hire? And how do you justify it?


I will now hire someone that may not have the highest IQ or graduated from top IVY, but is a hard worker, knows how to hit the ground running, doesn't get upset by the slightest setback, and knows how to work hard for what the want. Basically the opposite of OP's wife. Yes, I sound like a jerk, but it's the truth. I see way to many top graduates who somehow feel entitled to the dream job, who have absolutely no idea what it takes to excel in the real real world and simply can't believe they the they aren't snatched on the spot. The best thing OP can do for his wife is in fact to take off the kid gloves and tell DW to grow a pair. As I mentioned, this town is full of over-educated academics. If she wants to get a job she needs to show some real character traits that separate her from the rest.


There are plenty of people who went to Ivys, did well, and still have common sense and a good work ethic. Nothing in OP's posting suggests that his wife is not in this group. I'm not saying that flaky people don't exist, they do -- at every intelligence level. Sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder with respect to people who went to more prestigious schools than you.

OP, sounds like your wife has yet to find the perfect career track for her. Seems like career counseling would help.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2015 11:14     Subject: How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work
Anonymous wrote:Maybe your wife should read up on Intentional Optimism. I'm reading the book "How Children Succeed" at the moment and there is a really interesting section on how success is linked much more closely with perseverance and resilience instead of purely academic accomplishments.



This! But most PhDs know perseverance (esp the social sciences) if they wrote a dissertation! She has self esteem issue surrounding being a stay at home mom because no one respects women who do it. Please read all the nasty remarks on this site about SAHMs. I was shamed for it in numerous interviews for it until I learned to "spin" those years into something else.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2015 11:06     Subject: How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work
Maybe your wife should read up on Intentional Optimism. I'm reading the book "How Children Succeed" at the moment and there is a really interesting section on how success is linked much more closely with perseverance and resilience instead of purely academic accomplishments.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2015 10:38     Subject: Re:How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
God. I see so many "brilliant" amd highly educated people in this town that simply can't handle real life or excel at a job. I'm a lawyer and interview and hire many people that fit this profile. After years of figuring out that many young lawyers fitting this profile simply can't hack the work and rarely are the ones to excel, I stopped hiring the most "berilliant."


So who do you hire? And how do you justify it?


I will now hire someone that may not have the highest IQ or graduated from top IVY, but is a hard worker, knows how to hit the ground running, doesn't get upset by the slightest setback, and knows how to work hard for what the want. Basically the opposite of OP's wife. Yes, I sound like a jerk, but it's the truth. I see way to many top graduates who somehow feel entitled to the dream job, who have absolutely no idea what it takes to excel in the real real world and simply can't believe they the they aren't snatched on the spot. The best thing OP can do for his wife is in fact to take off the kid gloves and tell DW to grow a pair. As I mentioned, this town is full of over-educated academics. If she wants to get a job she needs to show some real character traits that separate her from the rest.


+1

I have found the same thing. FWIW, I'm in finance not law. But I have noticed a tendency among people with the very highest GPAs from the most well regarded schools to flame out early. The quality you really want to see is perseverance but you can only tease that out in conversation and even then it's just your subjective opinion that a particular candidate has it.


I agree too (though not necessarily about OP's wife - I don't know enough). But 'social an emotional competence' is the wave of the future.


Honestly, if companies actually rewarded people for hard work then more would do it. In many large companies there is no incentive (or reward) for working hard.


I am the PP quoted and I have not found this to be true in finance. At the senior level, your bonus (the majority of your comp) is almost completely performance driven. It's essentially a % of money you bring in to the company in one form or another. At the lower levels, it's often a % of the comp your direct report receives. But, like I was saying, I've had bad experience with some assistants from Ivies. They tend to need a lot of hand holding and think it's totally awesome to go off on wild tangents with their research. No. I'm paying you to help me. You're not helping me by doing hours of research on something I never asked for.


If only we all worked in Finance! I am a tech person in gov consulting, unless you are a PM there is zero reward. This is why ambitious employees hop job constantly. It is the only way to bump your salary.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2015 10:31     Subject: How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she'll be riding the SAHM gravy train for the rest of her life.

Hope your kids have more ambition than your wife. Hope you don't have to deal with them with kid gloves.

Person who posted this: you are useless and bitter.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2015 10:26     Subject: How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work
OP, your wife just needs to keep applying. She may have to settle for a less than ideal job to get back in.

Also role play with her! How will she "polish that turd" of being a SAHM? She needs to start brushing up the interview skills. I had some brutal job interviews, she needs to toughen up! I got the feeling that companies would have preferred me to have been in prison rather than a SAHM! I had one woman in HR keep referring to me as a "lady of leisure" during an interview. People really are horrible but she will find a job!
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2015 10:25     Subject: Re:How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
God. I see so many "brilliant" amd highly educated people in this town that simply can't handle real life or excel at a job. I'm a lawyer and interview and hire many people that fit this profile. After years of figuring out that many young lawyers fitting this profile simply can't hack the work and rarely are the ones to excel, I stopped hiring the most "berilliant."


So who do you hire? And how do you justify it?


I will now hire someone that may not have the highest IQ or graduated from top IVY, but is a hard worker, knows how to hit the ground running, doesn't get upset by the slightest setback, and knows how to work hard for what the want. Basically the opposite of OP's wife. Yes, I sound like a jerk, but it's the truth. I see way to many top graduates who somehow feel entitled to the dream job, who have absolutely no idea what it takes to excel in the real real world and simply can't believe they the they aren't snatched on the spot. The best thing OP can do for his wife is in fact to take off the kid gloves and tell DW to grow a pair. As I mentioned, this town is full of over-educated academics. If she wants to get a job she needs to show some real character traits that separate her from the rest.


+1

I have found the same thing. FWIW, I'm in finance not law. But I have noticed a tendency among people with the very highest GPAs from the most well regarded schools to flame out early. The quality you really want to see is perseverance but you can only tease that out in conversation and even then it's just your subjective opinion that a particular candidate has it.


I agree too (though not necessarily about OP's wife - I don't know enough). But 'social an emotional competence' is the wave of the future.


Honestly, if companies actually rewarded people for hard work then more would do it. In many large companies there is no incentive (or reward) for working hard.


I am the PP quoted and I have not found this to be true in finance. At the senior level, your bonus (the majority of your comp) is almost completely performance driven. It's essentially a % of money you bring in to the company in one form or another. At the lower levels, it's often a % of the comp your direct report receives. But, like I was saying, I've had bad experience with some assistants from Ivies. They tend to need a lot of hand holding and think it's totally awesome to go off on wild tangents with their research. No. I'm paying you to help me. You're not helping me by doing hours of research on something I never asked for.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2015 10:20     Subject: Re:How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
God. I see so many "brilliant" amd highly educated people in this town that simply can't handle real life or excel at a job. I'm a lawyer and interview and hire many people that fit this profile. After years of figuring out that many young lawyers fitting this profile simply can't hack the work and rarely are the ones to excel, I stopped hiring the most "berilliant."


So who do you hire? And how do you justify it?


I will now hire someone that may not have the highest IQ or graduated from top IVY, but is a hard worker, knows how to hit the ground running, doesn't get upset by the slightest setback, and knows how to work hard for what the want. Basically the opposite of OP's wife. Yes, I sound like a jerk, but it's the truth. I see way to many top graduates who somehow feel entitled to the dream job, who have absolutely no idea what it takes to excel in the real real world and simply can't believe they the they aren't snatched on the spot. The best thing OP can do for his wife is in fact to take off the kid gloves and tell DW to grow a pair. As I mentioned, this town is full of over-educated academics. If she wants to get a job she needs to show some real character traits that separate her from the rest.


+1

I have found the same thing. FWIW, I'm in finance not law. But I have noticed a tendency among people with the very highest GPAs from the most well regarded schools to flame out early. The quality you really want to see is perseverance but you can only tease that out in conversation and even then it's just your subjective opinion that a particular candidate has it.


I agree too (though not necessarily about OP's wife - I don't know enough). But 'social an emotional competence' is the wave of the future.


Honestly, if companies actually rewarded people for hard work then more would do it. In many large companies there is no incentive (or reward) for working hard.