Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^What seems to be missing in your very reasonable explanation is that those in-laws whose quirky ways are difficult to understand happen to be the parents of the husband.

It is not exactly like they are strangers from no where. How do you think the wife would feel if her parents visited unexpectedly and the husband told them they were not welcome and should leave pronto?

Another PP here. Exactly. My parents live 5 minutes away and they have done some absolutely crazy sh!t - example, picking up one of the kids from school unannouced because they "wanted to take him to the park." My DH gets aggravated with them(just as I do) but he would NEVER make them feel unwelcome nor would he pressure me into making them feel unwelcome. He knows that I feel bad about some of the stuff they do and he would never make me feel worse by demanding that I take some hard line with them. He is gracious to a fault with them, even when he should not be, because of his love and respect for me (and my relationship with them.) That being said, if my IL's showed up unannounced, I would try to be as gracious as I could out of respect and love for my DH and my children. I would NEVER expect my DH to tell HIS parents that they are not welcome and, as one PP said, tell them to head to a hotel. Although DH would likely tell his OWN parents that himself because he feels that I would be stretched too thin, but I would be fine with them staying.

OP's ILs probalbly did not announce it because they know that OP and her DH would have said no. It was calculated on their part but there was a reason for the caluclation.

I agree that there probably was a reason for the calculation, but that doesn't mean it's a good reason. The OP and her spouse has a responsibility to making themselves people you can talk to, and who are reasonable to deal with. But no matter how reasonable you are, some people will not respect reasonable boundaries and will pull something like this in order to walk all over you. If the in-laws had been to visit in a year and there was something to suggest that the OP and her spouse were keeping them from their grandkids, maybe I could understand that. But the in-laws just came to visit last month. Plus, even if the OP and her spouse were being unreasonable in withholding the grandkids, there is very little that justifies invading someone's home unwelcome. A home should be a sanctuary for the people who live there.

I understand your position completely. I guess what I am saying is that my IL's (and my parents) would never be "unwelcome" in my home. My DH and I have done things that have not always been convenient for my IL's or my parents and they have adjusted for us. So this type of situation would only be a dealbreaker for me if it happened often. But then again, I have a very good relationship with my IL's and enjoy having them around.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here is the kicker. His mom said thanks for letting us invite ourselves. Then I said nothing and just smiled. And she said don't smerk I know you don't like it. And I just smiled again. What am I supposed to say? My DH and older son go to work and school so I what have to entertain them? I have no real plans but now i feel like being gone but my 2.5 year old needs to nap. They were just here for 4 nights in December and my parents were here two weeks ago. I wasn't planning on having anyone here for a few months!

There must be history here.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here is the kicker. His mom said thanks for letting us invite ourselves. Then I said nothing and just smiled. And she said don't smerk I know you don't like it. And I just smiled again. What am I supposed to say? My DH and older son go to work and school so I what have to entertain them? I have no real plans but now i feel like being gone but my 2.5 year old needs to nap. They were just here for 4 nights in December and my parents were here two weeks ago. I wasn't planning on having anyone here for a few months!

This shows that they know exactly how they are inconveniencing you, and THAT is unacceptable. She is beyond rude, and you need to draw a boundary because this is a woman who will not respect you unless you put your foot down.

This is how I would respond, calmly.

"How rude of you. If you knew I wouldn't like it, why did you come? This is my house, not yours. You just crossed a line by saying that, and now you will have to leave to get a hotel room. DH, help them out please. Have a good night."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^What seems to be missing in your very reasonable explanation is that those in-laws whose quirky ways are difficult to understand happen to be the parents of the husband.

It is not exactly like they are strangers from no where. How do you think the wife would feel if her parents visited unexpectedly and the husband told them they were not welcome and should leave pronto?

Another PP here. Exactly. My parents live 5 minutes away and they have done some absolutely crazy sh!t - example, picking up one of the kids from school unannouced because they "wanted to take him to the park." My DH gets aggravated with them(just as I do) but he would NEVER make them feel unwelcome nor would he pressure me into making them feel unwelcome. He knows that I feel bad about some of the stuff they do and he would never make me feel worse by demanding that I take some hard line with them. He is gracious to a fault with them, even when he should not be, because of his love and respect for me (and my relationship with them.) That being said, if my IL's showed up unannounced, I would try to be as gracious as I could out of respect and love for my DH and my children. I would NEVER expect my DH to tell HIS parents that they are not welcome and, as one PP said, tell them to head to a hotel. Although DH would likely tell his OWN parents that himself because he feels that I would be stretched too thin, but I would be fine with them staying.

OP's ILs probalbly did not announce it because they know that OP and her DH would have said no. It was calculated on their part but there was a reason for the caluclation.

I agree that there probably was a reason for the calculation, but that doesn't mean it's a good reason. The OP and her spouse has a responsibility to making themselves people you can talk to, and who are reasonable to deal with. But no matter how reasonable you are, some people will not respect reasonable boundaries and will pull something like this in order to walk all over you. If the in-laws had been to visit in a year and there was something to suggest that the OP and her spouse were keeping them from their grandkids, maybe I could understand that. But the in-laws just came to visit last month. Plus, even if the OP and her spouse were being unreasonable in withholding the grandkids, there is very little that justifies invading someone's home unwelcome. A home should be a sanctuary for the people who live there.

Anonymous wrote:^^What seems to be missing in your very reasonable explanation is that those in-laws whose quirky ways are difficult to understand happen to be the parents of the husband.

It is not exactly like they are strangers from no where. How do you think the wife would feel if her parents visited unexpectedly and the husband told them they were not welcome and should leave pronto?

That's not a problem with my explanation (which was only explaining why people seem more irked by their in-laws than their own parents), you're just getting to a different issue. In a marriage, even if you don't fully understand or agree with the other person's upset, it's generally important/valuable to take as fact the other person's upset and to try to find a compromise. So if you are the one with the parents who drop by unannounced and it bothers your spouse, that's something you need to respect and accommodate even if it doesn't bother you. If someone isn't willing to do that for their spouse, or if one spouse is so wildly irrational that they are irked by even the most obviously normal/acceptable things, that's a problem with the marriage, not the parents/in laws.

My mother did this with her boyfriend once and I was furious. She asked me privately that same evening if I was "okay" with them stopping in and I point blank told her that while I love her, it is not acceptable to just show up unannounced. I also told her that it frankly hurt my feelings that she couldn't have been bothered to work an opportunity to see us into her trip DURING the planning, rather than on the fly. I could tell her feelings were hurt but I really didn't care. I literally showed up at home after a long commute on a weeknight and BAM! - there she was. Not. cool.

OP, I think what you are doing is fine (having them babysit). But when they leave, be sure to have your husband talk to them about this so it doesn't happen again.

Anonymous wrote:I would request advance notice in the future but it would not really bother me at all.

My rotuine is not so important that I cannot adjust it for my family and my IL's are my family. I would not want to deal with it every week, but it woulld be fine as a one off. My DH loves his parents and does not see them enough (they are out of state) and is a champ in dealing with my crazy ass parents who live 5 minutes away. My kids adore my IL's and they would be over the moon.

Life is short, people are getting older and reationships are what is important, not whether a routine was followed to the tee.

THIS!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you let them stay at your house? What they did is so horribly rude. I would have used my grown up words and given them names of a few hotels.

Why do people take thus crap? You teach people how to treat you.

As someone who had ILs do this, no way was I going to start WWIII and kick them out. They might have been rude, but I wasn't going to be even more rude. I have a hard time believing that people would actually kick their family out.

I am with you, I think some people believing that being an independent adult is synomous with being an ass.

Anonymous wrote:Why did you let them stay at your house? What they did is so horribly rude. I would have used my grown up words and given them names of a few hotels.

Why do people take thus crap? You teach people how to treat you.

Calm down...some peopl are more interested in figuring out how to maintain long term friendly relationships with family members over making a huge, indignant stand.
Perhaps OP and her husband can figure out a way to say that notice is needed without trying to initate WW3.

This is very rude! Mine live 10 minutes away and they know we don't answer the door for unannounced visits. It took 2 year for them to figure this out.

My parents live out of state and they would never drop unannounced, my Dad is a special case all together he wouldn't stay for more than two night at an in-laws house.

Anonymous wrote:^^What seems to be missing in your very reasonable explanation is that those in-laws whose quirky ways are difficult to understand happen to be the parents of the husband.

It is not exactly like they are strangers from no where. How do you think the wife would feel if her parents visited unexpectedly and the husband told them they were not welcome and should leave pronto?

Another PP here. Exactly. My parents live 5 minutes away and they have done some absolutely crazy sh!t - example, picking up one of the kids from school unannouced because they "wanted to take him to the park." My DH gets aggravated with them(just as I do) but he would NEVER make them feel unwelcome nor would he pressure me into making them feel unwelcome. He knows that I feel bad about some of the stuff they do and he would never make me feel worse by demanding that I take some hard line with them. He is gracious to a fault with them, even when he should not be, because of his love and respect for me (and my relationship with them.) That being said, if my IL's showed up unannounced, I would try to be as gracious as I could out of respect and love for my DH and my children. I would NEVER expect my DH to tell HIS parents that they are not welcome and, as one PP said, tell them to head to a hotel. Although DH would likely tell his OWN parents that himself because he feels that I would be stretched too thin, but I would be fine with them staying.

OP's ILs probalbly did not announce it because they know that OP and her DH would have said no. It was calculated on their part but there was a reason for the caluclation.

OP Here. They were visiting my brother in law who live out by NYC. They said that they are here to drop off the kids Christmas gifts. They said that DH said not to bring them last visit in December. DH said when they asked about the gifts he said don't worry about getting them gifts because they have enough. He was trying to help lessen their bringing tons of Dollar Store gifts or inappropriate gifts they usually bring.

So after much thought and a good nights sleep. I thought about using it to my advantage. Since I do not have anyone to watch my youngest during the day I asked them if they could watch her for me and they happily said yes. I'm on my way to Starbucks to apply for jobs something that I've been working on for a while now. Although having them watch DC is not letting them figure out crashing on us is not a good idea. I think I'm just going to do what many on here suggested and just tell them I need more notice for their visit.

For the PP that's asking about if they were my parents would I feel the same way.... I wouldn't want my parents just dropping by without notice because they require the house being spotless and judge me when it's not. my in laws are noisy and go through our stuff then tell everyone our business.

I love houseguests. We hosted 4 in-laws (MIL, SIL, BIL, nephew) last year for over a week and I very much enjoyed it.

And I would be LIVID about this. That is absolute BS and a huge boundary issue. Not calling/asking in advance is majorly disrespectful and it would be pretty close to WWIII in my house if my MIL behaved like that. I'd probably say, "I'm sorry, I had other plans already" and go to the spa all day long. And hire a cleaning lady to come in and clean after the left. And not cook for a week.

Open up this thread and leave it open on your computer. Let her discover it. Bitch.