Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, I was with you until you started bemoaning the fact that you had to pay for college because you "didn't know".

This is about you, not your mom, you clearly begrudge him. Maybe he wanted to spend more time with his family.

Well, his job for the government involves a lot of travel. So we actually saw him WAY less- in fact for a few years he actually lived overseas, much to my family's chagrin.

Also, I forgot to finish my sentence about paying for college. To clarify, we didnt know there was hardly any money in our college funds. No one really told us, and my mother wasn't aware of the amounts because my father had told her there was more in them. So when it was time to apply to colleges, my father encouraged us to go to expensive, private, out of state universities, with extremely expensive tuition. The idea of getting student loans was never presented to us until AFTER our first semester, which was pretty much all that was covered by the college fund. So we very quickly had to figure out how to fill out a FAFSA and apply for loans and look into transferring schools, but we were already attending extremely expensive schools and plugged into that school culture.

PP I'm sorry, but that is ridiculous to be complaining when it was clearly your choice to stay at the expensive school. You are trying to make yourself this poor victim of your awful father, but you chose to stay. Now you have to pay that money back.

Of course I do. I actually didnt stay at the school, I transferred out. However, one semester at an extremely expensive out of state private school steal means tens of thousands in student loan debt, as do the subsequent semesters at the cheaper school I went to. Sorry, it's not as cut and dry as you are making it out to be. A father has a responsibility to accurately prepare a child for their difficulties they are about to face, particularly when they raise that child with the expectation that those difficulties wont exist for them.

So your mom was a banker and didnt get the memo that your dad wasn't ambitious when he got a JOB WITH THE GOVT? At that point, she should have gone back to work, not "rise in the ranks of volunteer boards" (WTF does that even mean, is there that much competition between all these SAHM to look important?). And I suspect after a decade of living frugally, she might have been keen to keeping any eye on the bank accounts for the college fund (you, the money was in the industry she used to work in).

There is much more dirty laundry on your family, your mom did something that ended her career besides have some kids. You will probably hear about it on someone's death bed.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like neither your mother or father had a clue. Not sure why daddy gets all the blame.

Because he chose to take on the financial responsibility for the family when he told my mother he wanted her to SAHM.

Sounds like neither your mother or father had a clue. Not sure why daddy gets all the blame.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, I was with you until you started bemoaning the fact that you had to pay for college because you "didn't know".

This is about you, not your mom, you clearly begrudge him. Maybe he wanted to spend more time with his family.

Well, his job for the government involves a lot of travel. So we actually saw him WAY less- in fact for a few years he actually lived overseas, much to my family's chagrin.

Also, I forgot to finish my sentence about paying for college. To clarify, we didnt know there was hardly any money in our college funds. No one really told us, and my mother wasn't aware of the amounts because my father had told her there was more in them. So when it was time to apply to colleges, my father encouraged us to go to expensive, private, out of state universities, with extremely expensive tuition. The idea of getting student loans was never presented to us until AFTER our first semester, which was pretty much all that was covered by the college fund. So we very quickly had to figure out how to fill out a FAFSA and apply for loans and look into transferring schools, but we were already attending extremely expensive schools and plugged into that school culture.

PP I'm sorry, but that is ridiculous to be complaining when it was clearly your choice to stay at the expensive school. You are trying to make yourself this poor victim of your awful father, but you chose to stay. Now you have to pay that money back.

Of course I do. I actually didnt stay at the school, I transferred out. However, one semester at an extremely expensive out of state private school steal means tens of thousands in student loan debt, as do the subsequent semesters at the cheaper school I went to. Sorry, it's not as cut and dry as you are making it out to be. A father has a responsibility to accurately prepare a child for their difficulties they are about to face, particularly when they raise that child with the expectation that those difficulties wont exist for them.

Plugged into school culture? Are you 20 something?
Well now you're plugged into student loan debt.

Aren't you angry at your mother too for being clueless? As a prominent banker she didn't know how to manage family finances? Gimme a break

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, I was with you until you started bemoaning the fact that you had to pay for college because you "didn't know".

This is about you, not your mom, you clearly begrudge him. Maybe he wanted to spend more time with his family.

Well, his job for the government involves a lot of travel. So we actually saw him WAY less- in fact for a few years he actually lived overseas, much to my family's chagrin.

Also, I forgot to finish my sentence about paying for college. To clarify, we didnt know there was hardly any money in our college funds. No one really told us, and my mother wasn't aware of the amounts because my father had told her there was more in them. So when it was time to apply to colleges, my father encouraged us to go to expensive, private, out of state universities, with extremely expensive tuition. The idea of getting student loans was never presented to us until AFTER our first semester, which was pretty much all that was covered by the college fund. So we very quickly had to figure out how to fill out a FAFSA and apply for loans and look into transferring schools, but we were already attending extremely expensive schools and plugged into that school culture.

PP I'm sorry, but that is ridiculous to be complaining when it was clearly your choice to stay at the expensive school. You are trying to make yourself this poor victim of your awful father, but you chose to stay. Now you have to pay that money back.

Anonymous wrote:Pp, I was with you until you started bemoaning the fact that you had to pay for college because you "didn't know".

This is about you, not your mom, you clearly begrudge him. Maybe he wanted to spend more time with his family.

Well, his job for the government involves a lot of travel. So we actually saw him WAY less- in fact for a few years he actually lived overseas, much to my family's chagrin.

Also, I forgot to finish my sentence about paying for college. To clarify, we didnt know there was hardly any money in our college funds. No one really told us, and my mother wasn't aware of the amounts because my father had told her there was more in them. So when it was time to apply to colleges, my father encouraged us to go to expensive, private, out of state universities, with extremely expensive tuition. The idea of getting student loans was never presented to us until AFTER our first semester, which was pretty much all that was covered by the college fund. So we very quickly had to figure out how to fill out a FAFSA and apply for loans and look into transferring schools, but we were already attending extremely expensive schools and plugged into that school culture.

What does it matter that your parents both had college paid for? How could you not know as you were taking out student loans that you would have to pay them back?

Pp, I was with you until you started bemoaning the fact that you had to pay for college because you "didn't know".

This is about you, not your mom, you clearly begrudge him. Maybe he wanted to spend more time with his family.

Anonymous wrote:

OP, my father married my mother and it was a very similar situation. She was actually VP at a national bank, at age 26, when she met my father, who had his masters and a Princeton degree and was roughly the same age, making maybe a couple thousand more. He assured he he was ambitious and wanted to make a lot of money (my mom comes from money and is generally an ambitious, industrious person), and they both talked about how they wanted her to SAHM. So she did- she gave up her career to raise us kids, and....
my father, who is not as motivated as my mother, gave up his lucrative banking career to take one working for the govt. His salary has stagnated over the past 20 years and he didnt make enough money to fund college funds. We had an okay lifestyle, but just barely getting by- not a lot of dinners out, no nice vacations, etc etc etc. My mother's lifestyle plummeted. After a few years she had four children, and had been out of the workplace for years. She likes to keep busy, so she headed many charitable organizations and the PTA. But these efforts never brought in money. And my father's motivation just decreased over time.

After about 20 years, they got a divorce. My mother did not get a lot of alimony, and had to go back to work making a pittance of what she once made. All of us children have college debt- the two oldest have substantial because we really never realized or were told that we would have to pay our way through college (both parents had their colleges fully paid for).

The moral of the story being- when someone tells you that they aren't ambitious- LISTEN TO THEM. It gets worse after you have a ring on your finger, have been out of the workplace, and basically have no financial negotiating power. if thats the life you want, find someone on the same page- and I promise there are many that share that desire. If not in the DC area, plenty in the south. And they will be thrilled that you want to raise your kids at home. Find someone who wants it- dont try to convince yourself this guy can do it when it sounds like you know in your heart that he cannot.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."- Maya Angelou

Well it sounds like your mother lacked ambition. She is the one who gave up a "career" in banking to stay at home and head the PTA. 20 years of staying at home....and it his fault....really? Maybe when you get older you will rethink this situation.

You seem to think that every time a woman chooses to stay home, it's because her only motivation is to not work at a job. And to lay on the couch eating bon bons. When i can tell you, my mother is EXTREMELY hardworking and loves working outside of the home. I'm confused as to why you would say that she's lacking ambition when she rose through the ranks of her various charities extremely quickly and in fact was much more industrious and busy than my father. I guess because she wasn't earning money, that doesnt fit the only narrative or measure you seem to have for "working hard". But in fact, SAHM is very hard work, as is running various charities. So sit down, because you dont know what the hell you're talking about.

OP, my father married my mother and it was a very similar situation. She was actually VP at a national bank, at age 26, when she met my father, who had his masters and a Princeton degree and was roughly the same age, making maybe a couple thousand more. He assured he he was ambitious and wanted to make a lot of money (my mom comes from money and is generally an ambitious, industrious person), and they both talked about how they wanted her to SAHM. So she did- she gave up her career to raise us kids, and....
my father, who is not as motivated as my mother, gave up his lucrative banking career to take one working for the govt. His salary has stagnated over the past 20 years and he didnt make enough money to fund college funds. We had an okay lifestyle, but just barely getting by- not a lot of dinners out, no nice vacations, etc etc etc. My mother's lifestyle plummeted. After a few years she had four children, and had been out of the workplace for years. She likes to keep busy, so she headed many charitable organizations and the PTA. But these efforts never brought in money. And my father's motivation just decreased over time.

After about 20 years, they got a divorce. My mother did not get a lot of alimony, and had to go back to work making a pittance of what she once made. All of us children have college debt- the two oldest have substantial because we really never realized or were told that we would have to pay our way through college (both parents had their colleges fully paid for).

The moral of the story being- when someone tells you that they aren't ambitious- LISTEN TO THEM. It gets worse after you have a ring on your finger, have been out of the workplace, and basically have no financial negotiating power. if thats the life you want, find someone on the same page- and I promise there are many that share that desire. If not in the DC area, plenty in the south. And they will be thrilled that you want to raise your kids at home. Find someone who wants it- dont try to convince yourself this guy can do it when it sounds like you know in your heart that he cannot.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."- Maya Angelou

Well it sounds like your mother lacked ambition. She is the one who gave up a "career" in banking to stay at home and head the PTA. 20 years of staying at home....and it his fault....really? Maybe when you get older you will rethink this situation.

OP, I totally agree with the previous poster, your BF is showing you who he is, believe him! I was you and dated this type of guy. I paid for most everything, dates, trips, etc... Luckily I got out of that found a stable guy who makes a great living, owns his own biz and takes care of us financially. I don't worry about our mortgage getting paid or household expenses. With that said, I work PT because I want to and my money is mine to spend or save. I promise there are better choices in men out there for you! Good luck.

OP, my father married my mother and it was a very similar situation. She was actually VP at a national bank, at age 26, when she met my father, who had his masters and a Princeton degree and was roughly the same age, making maybe a couple thousand more. He assured he he was ambitious and wanted to make a lot of money (my mom comes from money and is generally an ambitious, industrious person), and they both talked about how they wanted her to SAHM. So she did- she gave up her career to raise us kids, and....
my father, who is not as motivated as my mother, gave up his lucrative banking career to take one working for the govt. His salary has stagnated over the past 20 years and he didnt make enough money to fund college funds. We had an okay lifestyle, but just barely getting by- not a lot of dinners out, no nice vacations, etc etc etc. My mother's lifestyle plummeted. After a few years she had four children, and had been out of the workplace for years. She likes to keep busy, so she headed many charitable organizations and the PTA. But these efforts never brought in money. And my father's motivation just decreased over time.

After about 20 years, they got a divorce. My mother did not get a lot of alimony, and had to go back to work making a pittance of what she once made. All of us children have college debt- the two oldest have substantial because we really never realized or were told that we would have to pay our way through college (both parents had their colleges fully paid for).

The moral of the story being- when someone tells you that they aren't ambitious- LISTEN TO THEM. It gets worse after you have a ring on your finger, have been out of the workplace, and basically have no financial negotiating power. if thats the life you want, find someone on the same page- and I promise there are many that share that desire. If not in the DC area, plenty in the south. And they will be thrilled that you want to raise your kids at home. Find someone who wants it- dont try to convince yourself this guy can do it when it sounds like you know in your heart that he cannot.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."- Maya Angelou

Anonymous wrote:OP, your boyfriend is right, he isplanning for his wife to stay home with the kids. Only problem, you're not the wife he's planning for. He can say whatever he wants, but actions are what really matters. Finally, get off of the "staying home for a few years" kick. Once you're home, you'll stay there. Older kids need a mom as much as a newborn, they just need their mom to do different things

We're already talking about getting engaged and talking about our future.

Wow, OP I suggest you dump this guy. Do him a favor. You need to date someone with a lot of money. Or someone who will definitely make a lot of money. Just don't be surprised when he starts screwing his secretary and you are "stuck" because you have no options.