Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, thats not true. Most men would prefer a blow job over waiting indefinitely for their wives to feel horny naturally. OP needs to fake it until she makes it.

DH here, about five months into this kind of drought, and for the record: I would not prefer a service job or duty sex.

I would prefer it if my wife said "gee, I would have fun playing, but my vajayjay is out of action, so let me play with you", but only if she was into it. Otherwise it's kind of insulting/patronizing. My wife is totally NOT into it, and given that, I'm happier taking care of myself rather than extracting chore/duty sex out of her.

YOU are awesome and mature.

And actually, when the duty/obligation/demanding attitude is taken out of sex, it's a lot easier to think about one's own pleasure and thus get turned on and into sex. THIS is the attitude more men need to have.

I think most men don't want sex that's given out of a sense of obligation or duty. They want their wife to enthusiastically crave sex with them. Which is one reason why so many men want their wives to initiate the sex -- so they can know that their wife actively wants sex with them.

The problem comes (or at least did in my case) when, for an extended period, the wife shows limited or no interest in sex. First month after a baby - absolutely fine. Six months after the baby - not surprising. First year after the baby - frustrating, but o.k. Two years after the baby - umm. Three years?

When, exactly, should the guy pull the alarm bell? And how does he do it in a way that recognizes sex as an intrinsic part of marriage and a legitimate expectation on his part but doesn't come off as demanding?

How tired was your wife? If she worked and had a 3 year old she could be very tired. Maybe she was missing it too but without hot and cold running childcare and some time to herself she might not feel like it for a long time. It's not all about you.

She was tired. But when she stopped being tired -- e.g. kids were in school full time and she was only working from home about 15 hours per week -- the sex didn't come back. So, all that time I was waiting because she said she was tired was wasted time. In other words, she *was* tired, I'm sure. (I was too). It's just that the tiredness wasn't, as it turns out, the reason for the sexlessness.

Which is why I get a little frustrated with the advice I see guys getting to "just be patient." It's a roll of the dice as to whether the sex will ever come back to the marriage.

What was it about you that made your wife want to sleep with you in the first place? Now are you saying that she should be attracted because she isn't tired? There is a lot that goes into sexual attraction and I hope you are talking to her about it. Maybe it wasn't so great before You might have to speak to her directly many times about it. Figure it out !! You have a child together and have to stick it out. Don't be so passive. I am assuming she isn't having sex with someone else. Do you make her laugh?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, thats not true. Most men would prefer a blow job over waiting indefinitely for their wives to feel horny naturally. OP needs to fake it until she makes it.

DH here, about five months into this kind of drought, and for the record: I would not prefer a service job or duty sex.

I would prefer it if my wife said "gee, I would have fun playing, but my vajayjay is out of action, so let me play with you", but only if she was into it. Otherwise it's kind of insulting/patronizing. My wife is totally NOT into it, and given that, I'm happier taking care of myself rather than extracting chore/duty sex out of her.

YOU are awesome and mature.

And actually, when the duty/obligation/demanding attitude is taken out of sex, it's a lot easier to think about one's own pleasure and thus get turned on and into sex. THIS is the attitude more men need to have.

I think most men don't want sex that's given out of a sense of obligation or duty. They want their wife to enthusiastically crave sex with them. Which is one reason why so many men want their wives to initiate the sex -- so they can know that their wife actively wants sex with them.

The problem comes (or at least did in my case) when, for an extended period, the wife shows limited or no interest in sex. First month after a baby - absolutely fine. Six months after the baby - not surprising. First year after the baby - frustrating, but o.k. Two years after the baby - umm. Three years?

When, exactly, should the guy pull the alarm bell? And how does he do it in a way that recognizes sex as an intrinsic part of marriage and a legitimate expectation on his part but doesn't come off as demanding?

How tired was your wife? If she worked and had a 3 year old she could be very tired. Maybe she was missing it too but without hot and cold running childcare and some time to herself she might not feel like it for a long time. It's not all about you.

She was tired. But when she stopped being tired -- e.g. kids were in school full time and she was only working from home about 15 hours per week -- the sex didn't come back. So, all that time I was waiting because she said she was tired was wasted time. In other words, she *was* tired, I'm sure. (I was too). It's just that the tiredness wasn't, as it turns out, the reason for the sexlessness.

Which is why I get a little frustrated with the advice I see guys getting to "just be patient." It's a roll of the dice as to whether the sex will ever come back to the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:
....
To the guy who asked "how long do you wait?" I've kind of adjusted my expectations for a 2 year drought. If it goes longer, then we're going to have to have a serious talk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, thats not true. Most men would prefer a blow job over waiting indefinitely for their wives to feel horny naturally. OP needs to fake it until she makes it.

DH here, about five months into this kind of drought, and for the record: I would not prefer a service job or duty sex.

I would prefer it if my wife said "gee, I would have fun playing, but my vajayjay is out of action, so let me play with you", but only if she was into it. Otherwise it's kind of insulting/patronizing. My wife is totally NOT into it, and given that, I'm happier taking care of myself rather than extracting chore/duty sex out of her.

YOU are awesome and mature.

And actually, when the duty/obligation/demanding attitude is taken out of sex, it's a lot easier to think about one's own pleasure and thus get turned on and into sex. THIS is the attitude more men need to have.

If you guys only knew how many pity/mercy/take one the team fucks/blow jobs we throw you, your heads would spin.

+1. I'm the PP who suggested this earlier. I've definitely thought "let me go fuck his brains out" so that he passes out before my TV show comes on and I can have some peace.LOL!

And I'll bet that, on more than a few occasions, what started out as sex "for him" ended up being a good time for you too. A lot of times, plain old inertia gets in the way of sex, but once you get going, it's enjoyable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife got used to not having sex and stopped craving it. I've been there as a woman. BFing made it hard to view my body as sexual, particularly my breasts. I was NEVER in the mood naturally. Having sex is what got me into the mood (during the act).

This is why I believe breastfeeding beyond 24 months is insane, as is "co sleeping". These practices are pretty much deliberately sabotaging any hope of re-igniting passion with your spouse.

As toddlers nurse less hormones stabilize. We cosleep and my toddler still nurses, my sex drive is higher than in my early 20's, sex is better. We just use a different bed. Co-sleeping is more restful for the whole family.