Anonymous wrote:OP, the more you write, the more concerned I get. First of all, if he agreed, why are you now being passive and making him make the decision for when you should start. You need to accept your DH for who he is if you are going to stay with him. Stop trying to make him into someone else. He is NOT going to be the driver of the ART process. If he's now willing to go along, you drive. Start next month.

Second, you say, "I think he does whatever he wants all the time and leaves me to be responsible for everything."

That is REALLY bad, OP. Really bad. If he does that with everything else, why do you think it will be different with a child? You are blindly hoping and not operating on the evidence that you have before you. Your husband has shown you who he is. Believe him.

I met my husband at 38 and had a baby at 41. It can be done. Do not think you are trapped into this guy or no one. But if you stay with him, don't think you're going to change him or that a baby magically will. You'll be doing 80-90% of the work of this, at least. Is that ok with you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more you write, the more concerned I get. First of all, if he agreed, why are you now being passive and making him make the decision for when you should start. You need to accept your DH for who he is if you are going to stay with him. Stop trying to make him into someone else. He is NOT going to be the driver of the ART process. If he's now willing to go along, you drive. Start next month.

Second, you say, "I think he does whatever he wants all the time and leaves me to be responsible for everything."

That is REALLY bad, OP. Really bad. If he does that with everything else, why do you think it will be different with a child? You are blindly hoping and not operating on the evidence that you have before you. Your husband has shown you who he is. Believe him.

I met my husband at 38 and had a baby at 41. It can be done. Do not think you are trapped into this guy or no one. But if you stay with him, don't think you're going to change him or that a baby magically will. You'll be doing 80-90% of the work of this, at least. Is that ok with you?

This is exactly right. He said he was willing to do it and you left the timing up to him? No, that's not what either of you want. Tell him you're starting on X date and his responsibilities are X, Y, Z. Usually I'm not in favor of unilateral decisions in a marriage but in this case it's what you need.

Agree with this completely!! Unilateral decisions are great and all, but you don't unilaterally decide how you're going to treat one person's strep throat.

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more you write, the more concerned I get. First of all, if he agreed, why are you now being passive and making him make the decision for when you should start. You need to accept your DH for who he is if you are going to stay with him. Stop trying to make him into someone else. He is NOT going to be the driver of the ART process. If he's now willing to go along, you drive. Start next month.

Second, you say, "I think he does whatever he wants all the time and leaves me to be responsible for everything."

That is REALLY bad, OP. Really bad. If he does that with everything else, why do you think it will be different with a child? You are blindly hoping and not operating on the evidence that you have before you. Your husband has shown you who he is. Believe him.

I met my husband at 38 and had a baby at 41. It can be done. Do not think you are trapped into this guy or no one. But if you stay with him, don't think you're going to change him or that a baby magically will. You'll be doing 80-90% of the work of this, at least. Is that ok with you?

Anonymous wrote:OP here: to be fair, I kind of asked for the man-child thing when I agreed with the first poster who called him a selfish child. We have some other issues (basically, I think he does whatever he wants all the time and leaves me to be responsible for everything) for which that description is more apt, but of course it bleeds into this issue too.

FWIW, he has Asperger's and is pretty terrible at communicating, especially about emotions. I get that he is scared, that his feelings are complicated, that he's not the best at articulating them. But calling a veto on the plans we've been working on for months and months was infuriating.

For an update, when I got home tonight he told me he's decided he's willing to do ART. I asked him when and he tried to do the whole "why don't you tell me when we should do it and I'll fall in line" thing, but I told him I'm not playing that game and he needs to make a decision. I suggested he think about it for 24 hours then tell me. He also expressed some previously unstated fears, including what if IUI doesn't work and then we try IVF and that doesn't work. He said he realized I was right that it's better to try and find out rather than do nothing and not know.

Anywayyyy, thanks for all the responses and helping me stay sane today.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: to be fair, I kind of asked for the man-child thing when I agreed with the first poster who called him a selfish child. We have some other issues (basically, I think he does whatever he wants all the time and leaves me to be responsible for everything) for which that description is more apt, but of course it bleeds into this issue too.

FWIW, he has Asperger's and is pretty terrible at communicating, especially about emotions. I get that he is scared, that his feelings are complicated, that he's not the best at articulating them. But calling a veto on the plans we've been working on for months and months was infuriating.

For an update, when I got home tonight he told me he's decided he's willing to do ART. I asked him when and he tried to do the whole "why don't you tell me when we should do it and I'll fall in line" thing, but I told him I'm not playing that game and he needs to make a decision. I suggested he think about it for 24 hours then tell me. He also expressed some previously unstated fears, including what if IUI doesn't work and then we try IVF and that doesn't work. He said he realized I was right that it's better to try and find out rather than do nothing and not know.

Anywayyyy, thanks for all the responses and helping me stay sane today.

Anonymous wrote:

I'm one of the previous posters with a supportive husband. My husband didn't come with me to every IUI (he came to none, to be exact) and with my second child, he came to exactly one OB appointment. When we did IVF, I did almost everything by myself except for office consults and retrieval days. The point isn't showing up for every appointment. The point is we talked about it, this is what I wanted and I was ok going alone a lot (I'm very independent), and he was there for me in a heartbeat when I did need him. Most importantly, he was there for me emotionally. This stuff is brutal and when I had terrible days (especially when we had a toddler and we were trying for #2), he would tell me to go to bed and read my book and he would take care of everything. Of course everyone has different relationships and needs. It is very clear that the OP's DH is not meeting her needs in the least at the moment.