Anonymous
Post 01/05/2015 11:45     Subject: I thought it was crazy too, but hear me out.
OP i"m guesing you can't post your maiden name and kids' names here, but too bad- i wonder if it's REALLY that bad...
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2015 11:44     Subject: I thought it was crazy too, but hear me out.
Anonymous wrote:
I think it's a shame, unless your in-law is proven guilty in a criminal case and you fear professional or private repercussions.

What's in a name? Generations of family history.
You would be losing all of that accumulated identity as well, which is a cultural loss, particularly if someone in your family is into genealogy and wants to research his tree. Your husband's parents are just one minuscule blip on a huge and fascinating family history.

I admit I'm biased because genealogy is very important for me - one of my ancestors went to the first Crusade in 1096, and my family has records of their history and involvement in political and military activities since then. Obviously there have been terrible family feuds, the most recent of which involved going to court and my parents not speaking to my uncle. But feuds do not matter. The rest matters.

I hope your husband can put more thought into this.


Right, but in this case the more powerful influence of the name is the fact that it causes distress for one of it's bearers. That needs to be weighed against the fact that future generations may have a harder time finding out their geneological history. (a problem whciih could be eased/eradicated by changing to the mother's maiden name)
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2015 08:41     Subject: I thought it was crazy too, but hear me out.
It's fine. Go for it.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2015 08:35     Subject: Re:I thought it was crazy too, but hear me out.
Anonymous wrote:Thank you all so much for your comments, even the critical ones. For those of you that think this reflects on my husband strength, it's a shame to assume you know somebody based on the DCUM post and really I wasn't asking you to comment on my husband. Not hiding from anybody and there are no legal ramifications, but yes I do realize how crazy this sounds. And I am having trouble wrapping my brain around it. But there are some definite pros, I have a feeling it will strengthen us as a family of four, and i'm definitely considering it. Is there anyone out there who has changed their child's name after the age of three and can comment on how that went?


Last name? With the frequency of blended families and adoptions I wouldn't think would be so unusual.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2015 08:04     Subject: Re:I thought it was crazy too, but hear me out.
Thank you all so much for your comments, even the critical ones. For those of you that think this reflects on my husband strength, it's a shame to assume you know somebody based on the DCUM post and really I wasn't asking you to comment on my husband. Not hiding from anybody and there are no legal ramifications, but yes I do realize how crazy this sounds. And I am having trouble wrapping my brain around it. But there are some definite pros, I have a feeling it will strengthen us as a family of four, and i'm definitely considering it. Is there anyone out there who has changed their child's name after the age of three and can comment on how that went?
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2015 22:42     Subject: I thought it was crazy too, but hear me out.
I didn't understand how much meaning lies in a name until my dad died right before my wedding. I couldn't lose that part of me too.

I believe it will help your husband move forward and it is worth the logistical hassle to do it as a family.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2015 21:13     Subject: I thought it was crazy too, but hear me out.

I think it's a shame, unless your in-law is proven guilty in a criminal case and you fear professional or private repercussions.

What's in a name? Generations of family history.
You would be losing all of that accumulated identity as well, which is a cultural loss, particularly if someone in your family is into genealogy and wants to research his tree. Your husband's parents are just one minuscule blip on a huge and fascinating family history.

I admit I'm biased because genealogy is very important for me - one of my ancestors went to the first Crusade in 1096, and my family has records of their history and involvement in political and military activities since then. Obviously there have been terrible family feuds, the most recent of which involved going to court and my parents not speaking to my uncle. But feuds do not matter. The rest matters.

I hope your husband can put more thought into this.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2015 21:12     Subject: I thought it was crazy too, but hear me out.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do it!

My spouse came from a very abusive family, and changing their name was really meaningful to them. At the time I was reluctant, but I was wrong. Outward symbols can have a big inward impact.

The logistics aren't that hard. Go for it.


Agree. My dh's father ran out on the family, and his mom was abusive. When I was pregnant with our first, he wanted to change our last names. I wanted us to all have my name, but he didn't want to (pride, I guess). We chose a new, meaningful family name.

It wasn't that hard, and less people asked about it than we expected. Even dh's extended family accepted it quicker than we thought.


All the people attacking OPs husband should be concentrating here.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2015 21:11     Subject: Re:I thought it was crazy too, but hear me out.
Anonymous wrote:OP, your dh is not a strong person if he is still dealing with the parents issues as an adult. For people who doesn't have inner strength, sometimes little thing can have a lot of meaning. I would discuss with him first to find out how exactly it is going to help him with his issues. What name is he thinking about? Your family name or totally stranger name?


This is crap- seriously? The fact that he knows himself well enough to know how this will/won't help and is taking actions to implement what is useful for him screams that he is a strong person.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2015 21:07     Subject: Re:I thought it was crazy too, but hear me out.
Anonymous wrote:Im sorry but this is the dumbest thing i have ever heard. He is just doing it out of anger and to get back at them. I wouldnt do it and like previous poster said, tackle the issue or just let it go. I doubt the last name has anything to do with the actual issue. He needs to grow up.



plus 1.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2015 21:06     Subject: I thought it was crazy too, but hear me out.
OP you sound thoughtful and supportive. I think this is a beautiful idea. Women change their names all the time to their husband's for symbolic reasons of unity (and I happen to have not changed my name and think it's a sorta weird and dumb idea, but that is information for many other threads). Even with my own bias in the ()s I think changing your name for this reason is really nice.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2015 20:55     Subject: I thought it was crazy too, but hear me out.
Go for it.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2015 20:27     Subject: I thought it was crazy too, but hear me out.
Anonymous wrote:If it works for you, it works for me.

And I don't think that I would ask you why you're changing your names. If you told me why you're changing your names, I would be interested, but I wouldn't ask. Asking would be nosy and none of my business.

Which is also why I suggest preparing a non-answer answer for people who do ask, for example, "It's the right decision for our family at this time."


I totally agree. Change it!
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2015 20:13     Subject: I thought it was crazy too, but hear me out.
If you both want to do it, go for it, who cares what internet strangers think? I know people who have done this for a variety of reasons. Your call. Enjoy your new name
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2015 15:43     Subject: I thought it was crazy too, but hear me out.
I find it amazing that women who happily change their names at marriage find OP's situation "weird."

I was adopted by my stepfather at age 12, which meant I got a new birth certificate and his last name. I don't remember anyone blinking an eye.

As PP noted, many gay couples do this. It's just paperwork and proving to a judge that you're not doing it to avoid creditors or the law.

Do it, OP. It means something to your DH and it will show your support.