In this order: Child losing parent, parent losing child, then spouse losing spouse. Seen impact firsthand in my own family.

Who are these two to each other? How does it keep coming up? They are both awful, life changing events.

I think a child losing a parent has more impact than an adult losing anyone.
I think losing a child would be worse than losing a spouse- although the tails overlap (ei- some child grief might be less than some spouse grief, but one average child>spouse). Mainly because the spouse had a much longer amount of time on earth.
The vast majority of us will lose our parents as adults so that is last.

ALL of it stinks and is sad and horrible and grief giving. Trying to tease out who has it worse is picking at nits.

Scientific Studies have shown that losing a spouse is the most stressful event that one can experience in one's lifetime. Note that they said the word stressful. Not grief. I think grief is very individual and cannot be measured. I know people who have lost a spouse and a child and have said that the loss of their spouse was the worst thing. I have a friend who lost a child and a parent and said the loss of their child was worse. So I think its individual based on the relationship.

I think losing a child would be borderline unsurvivable.
I lost my mom. I think it hit me so hard because I had never, ever known a minute in my life when she wasn't there for me- as my best friend, role model, confidante, etc. My dad, on the other hand, lived a whole life of adventure for the 30 years before he met and married her - he was his own person once upon a time without her in his life, and he could (admittedly sadly) go back to his own independent life. I, on the other hand, had no such mom-free life to which to revert.

I hope this makes sense. And I hope your friends stop this debate.

Losing a parent is inevitable, that is just the course of life. They tend to be 20 or more years older than you so they go first. Now a parent losing a child is another story. 9x out of 10 that wasn't suppose to happen and you don't go forward in life expecting it. Doesn't make the lose any worst or better. Still a bad lose for either but the lose of a child by a parent isn't some thing you can even begin to look at as a normal future event.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they are really debating this. It's been going on for months (ever since one got remarried). I don't know why the married one simply won't give in and say, "Hey Sally, maybe you are right. It sounds like you are still really struggling with losing Joey...and I'm so sorry." Instead, she keeps the debate going.

Wow. I don't even know what to say. I feel bad for everyone involved.

Me too. I am usually the kind of friend who bites my lip and tries to gently steer things into clearer waters when an awkward discussion like this pops up but I would honestly call them out on it and tell them that if this is part of their grieving process, then you are sorry but you can't be party to it anymore because there is literally NO WAY that its a good way to go and if its just the world's saddest pissing contest then to knock it the eff off in the presence of you and the rest of your friends (I presume no one really wants to hear this debate any longer!) because there is no prize for having the saddest situation in life, loss is loss- its bad its different for everyone, and mostly its just like love, its not a zero sum game. If someone is hurting very badly, you don't get "less hurt" doled out to you. It doesn't work that way.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Putting the loss of a parent aside, what about losing a spouse vs. losing a child? That's the real debate. And it's exacerbated by the fact that one friend just got married (thus, prompting the "moving forward" comment from the other one who lost a child (and can't have another one since she's pushing 50).

Jesus - the newly married friends sounds like an insensitive ass. I'd drop her.

It doesn't matter which is worse. Your friend (widow) needs to stop telling your other friend how to grieve and move on.

Definitely a child. I fully expect either of us to sacrifice ourselves in the entirely imaginary scenario in which you have a situation where you can make that choice. If my DH failed to do so, I would kill him myself. I'm sure he feels the same way.

Losing a child is an amputation. Moving on is a new normal that will always be grey. Its possible to move on from a spouse.

Losing a child, of course. There is simply no debate for me.

Your weird family dynamics aside, it would be worse for me to lose my child, no question. Children aren't supposed to die before their parents. That loss--not just of the child, but of the adult they might have become--leaves a hole that never gets filled.

Losing a child would be the hardest.

I think a parent losing a child is the hardest as it's not something that you'll ever think could happen to you and prepare yourself for. On the other hand, people contemplate the loss of a spouse (via divorce) and the loss of their parents quite frequently.