OP I think I get where you are coming from. I haven't been in this situation myself, but I can kind of see your point.

This woman (in your and some people's eyes, obviously not everyone's, as evidenced by this thread) has a place of prestige or respect in the community due to characteristics people rightly or wrongly assume doctors have. She has now done something that flies in the face of those supposed attributes, and something that has damaged your family terribly, and you think she should lose some of that prestige/respect. I'd probably feel the same way.

But I think what most everyone else is saying is probably right, too. The medical association won't sanction her (again, unless your husband was her patient) and most of her patients probably won't even know it happened unless you live in a very small community. She will likely lose some respect once the affair is public, but it'll be the same way your husband (whatever his profession) and a washing-machine salesperson would - individual people in her life who will not be able to condone her actions will lose respect for/change their opinion of her. There's nothing you can really do to 'publicly shame' her without a) making you look crazy and b) hindering your own recovery from this. I don't think a revenge fantasy or two occasionally is the end of the world, but it can't be something you actively focus on long-term, as it won't really get you anywhere.

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. i understand my issues with my husband. i understand that im not a petfect spouse. I undertand if it wasnt her, it would have likely been someone else. Even if she has less tha 2% culpability in the fallout of all this, i really am weirded out by this petson's profession of "helping and healing" people, considering the foreseeable harm that resulted. I don't think I would have had as much of a hard time wrapping my head around this if her profession had been for instance selling washing machines.

To the PP, clearly you are here to be mean. What's wrong with you?

OP, like others have said, I'm sorry this happened to you. My husband cheated on me as well, and we also have a child, so believe me - I know how it feels.

What people are trying to tell you is that the other woman's profession is irrelevant, and your fixation on it is not helpful for YOU. Fixating on her, feeling extra-wronged because of what she does for a living, is not doing anything good for you. It's not helping you move past the affair for your own health and well-being.

The answer to "how do I get past this" is: you decide to stop fixating. You can't control anyone else, but you can control how YOU feel and respond to others and situations. You may need the help of your therapist to get past the fixation, but you really should work on doing so for your own emotional health. Yes, you've been wronged, but the best way to feel better is to focus on yourself, NOT the other woman.

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. i understand my issues with my husband. i understand that im not a petfect spouse. I undertand if it wasnt her, it would have likely been someone else. Even if she has less tha 2% culpability in the fallout of all this, i really am weirded out by this petson's profession of "helping and healing" people, considering the foreseeable harm that resulted. I don't think I would have had as much of a hard time wrapping my head around this if her profession had been for instance selling washing machines.

To the PP, clearly you are here to be mean. What's wrong with you?

What if the other woman was a cop? Or a politician? Or a lawyer? What about a school teacher...? I mean, come on, she spends time with children but then goes out and fucks one of their fathers?? How could she?! What if she was business woman? How could she be trusted with making honest business deals?

I could go on, but I think you see where I'm going. I totally understand how some view doctors as being held to a very high standard in society -- in fact I'm a physician myself -- but we're as fallible as any other human. We make mistakes in both our professional lives and our personal lives.

Is she wrong for screwing around with your husband? Yes. But no more wrong if she were a cashier at Target.

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. i understand my issues with my husband. i understand that im not a petfect spouse. I undertand if it wasnt her, it would have likely been someone else. Even if she has less tha 2% culpability in the fallout of all this, i really am weirded out by this petson's profession of "helping and healing" people, considering the foreseeable harm that resulted. I don't think I would have had as much of a hard time wrapping my head around this if her profession had been for instance selling washing machines.

To the PP, clearly you are here to be mean. What's wrong with you?

OP, first, I am terribly sorry for all that you are coping with. My heart goes out to you.

I do think you are romanticizing physicians, as a group, however. I have a chronic illness that was particularly bad when I was a teenager and young adult, and I spent a lot of time in hospitals at that time. Many of the docs were not warm or caring people. Some were excellent, well-trained, knowledgeable physicians, but they were not people who I felt cared about ME as a person. Does that make sense? And many of these people were in pediatric sub-specialties!

I would just say that while some physicians certainly fit your description it is, sadly, not something that applies to all or even most. So even if you set aside the argument that others are making, that professional and personal lives are separate, I think you are making general assumptions about the character of people who are doctors that is unfortunately not accurate.

Anonymous wrote:I get that if it wasn't her, it would be someone else, I really do. I get my issues are with my husband. I do think I would be a little less upset if it wasn't a person in a profession that demands you trust them with your life using their judgment. Yes, I think other professions have obligations to be better than average citizens. So for instance, you're fine with taking your kids to the pediatrician, who watches child porn on his days off?

She's using her professional judgment, not her moral judgment.

It's OK for you to think that doctors should be better than average citizens. Yet you came here looking for affirmation from others, and they seem to be pretty unanimous that your view is not shared.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Medical doctors are no different from anyone else. I have two in my family one is an alcoholic and cheats on his wife all the time and the other will sex any guy that gives her the time of day. They have problems and faults like anyone else. I would focus your anger on your husband. His AP is wrong for participating in the affair especially if she knew he was married, but ultimately fault lies with your hubby.

+1

I am in medical sales and throughout my career I have seen LOTS of doctors behaving poorly - men and women - young and old - doesn't matter. We are all human. Hubby is at fault. AP could have just fallen head over heels and made a very poor decision but overall is a decent person. I know that's hard to digest OP, but time will help heal this wound.

I've worked in 2 hospitals in the NOVA area and trust me- a lot of physicians have affairs. And a lot of them are common knowledge to everyone ekes and accepted in the culture. They may heal people physically but morally they're no better than anyone else.

Anonymous wrote:The question was "realizing my husband is the person who betrayed me, how do I feel less traumatized by the experience that my husband's affair partner was a physician, charging other people for her advice on their health and well being."

The answer seems to be that physicians should not be expected to have good character or be trustworthy above anyone one else. Ewwww. That just isn't helping.

And to the person who said adultery isn't illegal, it is in my state and still a few others.

I'm also surprised at the negativity here. I'm really trying to put this behind me but some of it is so intrusive that I can't get it out of my head. I really thought there would be more empathy in the community.

Peace.

It may not be what you want to hear OP, I get that, but it is actually immensely helpful. It means that getting fixated on this will get you absolutely nowhere, and it's not going to help anything. It's a distraction from way more important things.

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is at fault here. I know it's easier to direct anger at the other woman, but it's a distraction from the person who actually betrayed you.

+1

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. i understand my issues with my husband. i understand that im not a petfect spouse. I undertand if it wasnt her, it would have likely been someone else. Even if she has less tha 2% culpability in the fallout of all this, i really am weirded out by this petson's profession of "helping and healing" people, considering the foreseeable harm that resulted. I don't think I would have had as much of a hard time wrapping my head around this if her profession had been for instance selling washing machines.

To the PP, clearly you are here to be mean. What's wrong with you?

You can be weirded out all you want. That doesn't mean your thoughts are rational. I'm weirded out by spiders. My feelings are irrational but I still have them.

You also have a romantized, limited view of physicians. Not all of them are about 'helping and healing'. Many of them are interested in curing disease, not healing. Most oncologists I've met aren't about healing people, they want to conquer cancer. Same with surgeons. Besides, being a physician isn't who she is, it's her profession - just like the washing machine salesman.

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. i understand my issues with my husband. i understand that im not a petfect spouse. I undertand if it wasnt her, it would have likely been someone else. Even if she has less tha 2% culpability in the fallout of all this, i really am weirded out by this petson's profession of "helping and healing" people, considering the foreseeable harm that resulted. I don't think I would have had as much of a hard time wrapping my head around this if her profession had been for instance selling washing machines.

To the PP, clearly you are here to be mean. What's wrong with you?

Some physicians are competent and skilled in their profession but not very nurturing in a general sense. Some of them may get into the profession out of a strong desire to help people, others do it to make money. None of them walk on water, though. They are as human as the rest of us.

This is the OP. i understand my issues with my husband. i understand that im not a petfect spouse. I undertand if it wasnt her, it would have likely been someone else. Even if she has less tha 2% culpability in the fallout of all this, i really am weirded out by this petson's profession of "helping and healing" people, considering the foreseeable harm that resulted. I don't think I would have had as much of a hard time wrapping my head around this if her profession had been for instance selling washing machines.

To the PP, clearly you are here to be mean. What's wrong with you?

Anonymous wrote:The comparison was not to say adultery is the same as child abuse but to beg the question, where is the the line when character becomes an issue for healthcare providers. Are they exempt from any standards until they are a Charles Manson?

There was a lot of harm to me and my children as a result of this. I understand my husband was the agent. And even if I was a crappy spouse, that gives my husband every right to leave me and take the children, but no right to lie, deceive, and create this nightmare. And if you want a better analogy, this was worse than being raped, and I can legitimately make that comparison. I'm doing my best to pick up the pieces, and this hasn't been easy.

You need to see a therapist or psychiatrist. You're not well.

Anonymous wrote:I would rather have a cheating physician who practices evidenced based medicine than a non cheating physician who doesn't know much about their craft.

+1

I would rather have a cheating physician who practices evidenced based medicine than a non cheating physician who doesn't know much about their craft.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The AP is a physician, charging other people for her advice on their health and well-being.

That doesn't include moral advice. It includes standard advice on health and well-being. You are reaching here, really reaching.

I would understand if the ASAP were a marriage and family therapist, but I have no real expectation of physicians to have better morals than the rest of us.
OP, I'm sorry for your pain. You did not deserve this. Wishing you strength as you move forward.

^^**AP, not ASAP!