Anonymous wrote:Hi DCUM, I am dealing with a big decision right now and I need lots of anoymous advice from the internet.

I am currently 4 months pregnant. My father in law has just offered to relocate from California to be our nanny when the baby comes. (the TLDR: He has very poor money managing and long term planning skills. he moved to CA earlier this year becuase he got evicted, is now living in his roomate's aunt's trailer and his unemployment ran out. The job prospects in his area, for his skill set are abysmal)

I am really ambivalent about this.


I really don't like the idea of sharing my rather small home with another adult and his two cats. FIL is a nice person but not someone I really know very well. Since he's always lived on the other side of the country and hasn't had a lot of money I've only seen him maybe 6-8 times in the past 11 years of being in a relationship with DH.

On the other hand I selfishly would love to have childcare from someone who is very trustworthy. FIL was the primary care-giving parent to DH when he was growing up. He has worked as a custodian and handyman and has a very good work ethic. He is talking about helping around the house with cleaning and even doing odd jobs around the house or helping with our yard. He really has a caregiver personality. He takes a lot of pride in being a good father to DH. I don't think he's trying to move in to get a free ride or anything.

It would save DH and I from having to worry about finding a nanny/daycare. We are crunching the numbers and it's possible we could even come out ahead even if we opt to put FIL in senior housing and pay him a stipend for watching our kid. I know it's kind of selfish of me but the reality is we live in a High COL area and childcare in my neck of the woods (silver spring) is expensive and hard to come by.

I am concerned that we really need to hammer all the details out and figure out everything even in writing before we commit to this. I think the reality is that no matter what DH feels very responsible for his father and that becasue of FIL's poor financial situation it was only a matter of time before we became financially responsible for him (as it we've already stepped in to help on other occasions)

Anonymous wrote: Op, there are some advantages to having FIL nanny for you.

-No early morning 'I'm sick and closed today' calls from daycare provider

-no 'baby has a slight fever, pick up now' calls

-no weather closings

-no 'I have to work late and dc closes at 6' worries.

It might work out, at least for the first few years.

Anonymous wrote:If your husband is his only child, if he has no retirement savings and on top of that he was a "great dad" and your husband feels obligated towards him… you DO REALIZE he will end up living with you sooner or later right? I doubt your husband will accept to put his father in a nursing home in his condition (no money to pay for the best).

Anyway, it is just a matter of time for you… if he is really a good person and good with kids, you might as well take some advantage for this and use his for childcare now. Hopefully, you will at least get to know him better and maybe even like and truly "care for him" when the time he needs care come.

And pray he doesn't go on living forever, being unable to care for himself (bathroom, food, left alone, etc) and with dementia.

I am in this situation right now, and with an infant and preschooler to boot! But in all honesty, it has not been as tragic as I thought it would be. It just feels like a have another newborn or toddler most of the time. What does pisses me off (when I think about it) is the fact that my in law refused to come live near us or even with us when the healthy (physical and mental) was not a huge issues. It would have made the transition to me right now much easier for sure.

Anyway, not here nor there - but you should keep mind your likely future when making this decision now.

GL!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad was a caregiver for my second child, and lived with us for 3 years before she started preschool. Best time we had! I never had to worry about the baby, he fed her everything that I told him to feed her. Everything in my house was fixed (no leaking pipes, no squeaking doors or steps). Dinners were made by the time we were home from work, laundry were done and folded, and he took care of the yard work on the weekend. I miss him so much!

Did you know your father well before he moved in? Did he have a history of making poor decisions?

Anonymous wrote:My dad was a caregiver for my second child, and lived with us for 3 years before she started preschool. Best time we had! I never had to worry about the baby, he fed her everything that I told him to feed her. Everything in my house was fixed (no leaking pipes, no squeaking doors or steps). Dinners were made by the time we were home from work, laundry were done and folded, and he took care of the yard work on the weekend. I miss him so much!

Anonymous wrote:My dad was a caregiver for my second child, and lived with us for 3 years before she started preschool. Best time we had! I never had to worry about the baby, he fed her everything that I told him to feed her. Everything in my house was fixed (no leaking pipes, no squeaking doors or steps). Dinners were made by the time we were home from work, laundry were done and folded, and he took care of the yard work on the weekend. I miss him so much!