I also say get out. My mom waited until I was 13 to leave my abusive father. My sisters were 11 and 8. She should have left earlier before this relationship had a chance to scar us as much as it did. Being divorced offered us stability and a level of peace that we hadn't had before. Get out. Do it for your kids.

Anonymous wrote:What people are saying here is profoundly affecting me (NP).

To those of you affected by toxic marriages of your parents- were your parents at least kind and affectionate to the kids?

My mother was when she wasn't depressed. My father was not -- he was checked out from everything because of the horror. Have a warm (but not close) relationship with him now. They separated when I was 14. I cannot recall a moment when they were pleasant to each other during that time.

Anonymous wrote:She has lots of close friends but as far as I can tell no long term relationship. Maybe she is just secretive but that would also suggest intimacy issues. Anyway, all of my siblings are fairly reticent to be in a relationship. The lone exception being the youngest, who was away from my father for most of his life and also is the only male, which means his father issues affect him differently.

I am a guy who had many failed relationships and fucked up intimacy precisely because of my parent's awful toxic relationship: you do what "love" looks like to you - the familiar. I've successfully broken the pattern, but not until later in life and after a failed marriage and several bad LTRs (therapy and lots of time with surrogate families as a kid), but my two sisters haven't been quite as successful. One is a complete basket case (though she's got some spectrum disorder issues complicating it) and the other has the same kind of high drama yelling and fighting relationship with her husband that my parents did...and she was 5 when they separated. Two of my more memorable roller-coaster relationships were with women who grew up in toxic households and had pretty messed up intimacy issues.

Yes, raising your child in this environment will perpetuate the cycle in the next generation. Sadly, it is generally true that both parents have issues - and that they are drawn to people who are at least somewhat like their parents. I think my BIL is an ahole of the first order most of the time, but I also see where my sister plays an active role in keeping the drama game going...it's rarely the case that one parent is completely without fault or contribution.

Anonymous wrote:I am sure you have a bad marriage and your kid is picking up the vibe. Still, I want to caution you to take what kids say with a pinch of salt.

I have a great marriage and my DH is a great dad. Yet, each time he limits the TV time for my son, my son rushes to me and tells me, "You should have asked him if he would allow children to watch tv before you married him."

So, sometimes kids react to small things. They have no concept of the complexity of adult relationships.

Haha, funny

Anonymous wrote:Everyone on here love to push people for divorce. How about therapy?

The issue is this: by the time most people arrive at the point of talking to internet strangers or seeing a therapist, so much damage has been done that it's past the point that therapy can fix it. I'm a subscriber to a lot of John Gottman's ideas and at the root of any functional relationship is mutual respect; contempt is the converse and is the most toxic emotion there is to any relationship.

If the OP's description of her husband's behavior and attitude towards her is objectively accurate (and I'm not saying it is, or that her take represents the whole picture), then he pretty clearly feels nothing but contempt for her. At the point of being furious about a dinner order? I wonder how it got that way...I wonder what else happened...in a vacuum it's pretty ogreish on his part. I suspect there is more to the story.

Even so, it really doesn't matter who is right or wrong or how they got where they are - she feels he has nothing but contempt - to the point she's on here making a plea for our sympathy and support - and I'd bet they're past the point of getting out of a toxic dance. Interestingly to me, she's not even making the plea on her own behalf - it's all for her DD's benefit, not martyr mom. Sometimes people create false dilemmas in order to perpetuate and continue a dysfunctional, toxic dance, and they need to be challenged to engage in rational behavior and cut the "gordian knot" - hence, my advice to go ahead and get a divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This brings so many memories for me of seeing my mom be emotionally abused by my dad. You need to get out now, before your little girl can be anymore scarred by this.

+1. I totally got it when my parents divorced, and it was like a huge weight had been lifted. It took a while for us to recover but living 'independently' with my mom was an empowering way to grow up. She eventually remarried and modeled a much healthier relationship.

+2 I'm a male child of divorce and my mother was the toxic parent; it was such a huge relief when they finally gave up and got divorced. My father remarried - the "evil" affair woman - and has been in that marriage for, jeez...almost 30 years now. Over 2x as long as my parents were married and that marriage is going strong. I wouldn't say my stepmother and father modelled a perfect relationship, but it was very substantially better.

If it's truly broken between you two, get out and move on to a parenting partnership.

Anonymous wrote:I'm heartbroken. After she said that, I tried to hide my shock and said "I love you so much" to which she replied "do you love daddy?" She gets it. She gets this shit show of a marriage. I want to crawl under a rock. Actually, I want to end this horrible marriage and show her what it's like when two people love and respect each other. I'd even rather show her what independence and dignity looks like rather than what we are exposing her to.

You're thinking the right way. Do that. Your little girl deserves better than what your marriage is giving her, and so do you.

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something here i feel no one else has approached. If your daughter stormed out after you made spaghetti and said I WISH you never made spaghetti, you wouldn't be posting on DCUM. You're posting on here because you want to pin this decision on her, and pretend it is about her. It isn't. It seems to me, you've already made up your mind, and your dd's comment came at a good time.

If you really feel your DH is this horrible angry guy that is damaging your kid and no amount of therapy or communication can work, then sure, leave him. But at least, own up to your decision. It seems to me you made up your mind a long time ago, and DH isn't so bad, and this is a good excuse to use with friends and family to justify you leaving. Close yet?

Apples and oranges. Sometimes kids pick up on bigger issues. You are describing a typical tantrum. OP's daughter witnessed a public tantrum by her father and disrespect towards her mom. OP is lucky her DD said something because most kids just watch and internalize the behavior while their parents believe they're mostly unaffected.

I'm going to say something here i feel no one else has approached. If your daughter stormed out after you made spaghetti and said I WISH you never made spaghetti, you wouldn't be posting on DCUM. You're posting on here because you want to pin this decision on her, and pretend it is about her. It isn't. It seems to me, you've already made up your mind, and your dd's comment came at a good time.

If you really feel your DH is this horrible angry guy that is damaging your kid and no amount of therapy or communication can work, then sure, leave him. But at least, own up to your decision. It seems to me you made up your mind a long time ago, and DH isn't so bad, and this is a good excuse to use with friends and family to justify you leaving. Close yet?

OP I am so sorry. I married a man who over time became an angry ugly person. And an addict! I am leaving him. Breaking the news after Christmas. I am saving my daughters life.

Anonymous wrote:What people are saying here is profoundly affecting me (NP).

To those of you affected by toxic marriages of your parents- were your parents at least kind and affectionate to the kids?

Both of my parents were great as parents and I had lots of attention and personal time with each. However, the dynamics between them left me believing that marriage was a raw deal for women. My dad had a great life to me. He had plenty of solo time and regular outings with the guys. I knew he cheated as I was around to witness a lot. He has never once kissed or been affectionate with other women in front of me, but I knew from age 4-5 that he was cheating on my mom (though I couldn't verbalize it at the time). My parents would fight about money often, because my dad would spend bill money on fun stuff. My mom seemed to have too much responsibility and very little time to enjoy life. I didn't realize it until she left him, but I'd lost some respect for her for not demanding better for herself. She told me when I was much older that she was sacrificing her own wants because she felt we deserved an intact family as kids. Meanwhile, I was disappointed that she didn't stand up for herself better. I have had commitment issues because I fear feeling trapped within a similar marriage. My dad loved my mom, but her happiness was just not a priority for him. Thats scary to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know because that's how I grew up and I and all of my sibling have serious intimacy issues. The oldest of us is 29 and never had a bf, never kissed a guy........And she is really gorgeous and socially savvy. .

I highly doubt the bolded part.

Doubt away but it's true. She has lots of close friends but as far as I can tell no long term relationship. Maybe she is just secretive but that would also suggest intimacy issues. Anyway, all of my siblings are fairly reticent to be in a relationship. The lone exception being the youngest, who was away from my father for most of his life and also is the only male, which means his father issues affect him differently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

She didn't have a crystal ball.

Should have chose better. Why do you hate personal responsibility?

Anonymous wrote:I know because that's how I grew up and I and all of my sibling have serious intimacy issues. The oldest of us is 29 and never had a bf, never kissed a guy........And she is really gorgeous and socially savvy. .

I highly doubt the bolded part.

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

She didn't have a crystal ball.